Not speaking to MIL

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Please tell me if IABU

A while a go my husband asked his mother if she could look after our 15 month daughter for a few days as my husband was going to be out of town, on business, on the days I work. She agreed. It was just for during the day while I was working.

Closer to the time she informed me she had now agreed to look after her friends cats to allow them to go on holiday. She said she felt sorry for the cat to have a stranger look after him (the cat's owner was going to get a house sitter). This was in another town around 1 hour away therefore she couldn't watch our daughter anymore. She didn't forget she just obviously thought this was ok.

I don't have any other family therefore, I was left stuck and had to take time off work.

I don't expect anyone to look after my daughter for me, but it's the fact MIL agreed and then let my daughter, husband and myself down for a cat.

To make it worse when she was looking after the cat she had her other young grandchildren up staying with her but never offered my daughter.

I felt very hurt by this and felt angry/hurt for my daughter. Now I can't forgive my MIL for letting me child down and leaving her out. It makes me question her priorities.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to speak to her again?

@MyLittleNest You hit the nail on the head with this one. It's so true. She is like the boss in the family and no one will ever question her. Everyone just did as she said even if they didn't want to. I found that very strange. I wasn't allowing her to just treat me and my daughter any way she liked. She would have expected me just to accept it. I wasn't. You are so right she has just disregarded my feelings.

@YourFairCyanReader @Isthisit22 myself and husband work the childcare out between us. Usually the days I work he will have her. If there is availability at nursery she will go into nursery. I only work a few days a week, and have her the rest of the time. We very rarely ask for help. The reason I stayed off work is because my husband usually works close by, but he was out off town doing an expensive training course to help him with promotion. So I didn't want him to miss out on that. I would never expect that. I felt so sorry for him that his mum let him down when he had something really stressful and important on to look after her pals cat.

What a cow 🐄 That would be it for me

On these threads 99% of the time I side with the MILs. This is one of the 1%. If you say you will so something you do it. End of.

Refusing to speak to her again might be a bit childish, but you should never agree for your child to be cared for by her. She is unreliable, can't be trusted and isn't worth the bother.

Find a good local paid childminder, someone trustworthy & professional.

I can see why you’re upset. I would be too. My late MIL forgot my oldest son’s birthday every year but remembered her GGS birthday. They were on the same bloody day!!
I didn’t stop speaking to her but in the end made minimal effort with her. Not my mum, not my problem.

Not speaking to your MiL ever again will chew up far more energy than this selfish flake actually deserves and will deprive you of the opportunity to ask passive aggressive questions about the well-being of Mr Fluffykins. I generally prefer cats to most of the people I meet, but I don't think I could resist that.

That said, as others have suggested, meeting your MiL's energy with your own at the same level would tell her loud and clear that she's damaged her relationship with you. So, no asking her for favours, no extending any, no conversation above superficial exchanges about the weather and Mr Fluffykins. I'd also cease facilitating contact between her and your DD - leave it to your DH, if indeed, he can be bothered. It would be understandable if he took your view, that his DM isn't worth the effort. If your MiL says "maybe I could look after Sunbeam next week?" you could respond with a tinkly laugh and "oh no Belladonna. What if Mr Fluffykins needs you to feed him?" You don't have to go scorched earth to remind MiL that you're annoyed and no longer trust her.

I would definitely be annoyed, and not make any effort for her going forward, but I wouldn’t stop speaking to her altogether. It’s just more hassle than it’s worth to entirely ignore a member of the family, unless they’ve done something truly awful. Like more to an being an unreliable flake.

It was extremely kind of you to take the time off and allow your DH to go ahead with his plans, seeing as MIL was the childcare he arranged.

In future just never rely on her again.

It must be hurtful that she took the other GC with her when she was cat sitting - see they the same age as your DD? Live the same distance away etc?

That would be me too 🤣

I would do this too. I know it might seem petty but I genuinely would find it hard to have any respect or regard for her after that.

But I'm finding that age is making me far less tolerant of people's bullshit.

Why didn't you just book your child into nursery for the extra hours? Sounds like you mix and match what they do already hours wise so why did it need to be MIL this time?

Why didn't your DH speak to his mum when she cancelled? You mention your husband was very upset about it and couldn't understand why his daughter was being treated differently to his sisters daughter and that you messaged MIL.
Why didn't he speak to her and say something about how she had let you both down and how if she had said she didn't want to do it then she should have said?

I wouldn't ignore her/not speak to her but you can see she is not someone to rely on so I just wouldn't ask her again. If she ever comments about not seeing grandchild then just say that you can't count on her to be available so unfortunately can't plan anything.

@Moonnstars Because I work pretty far away I wouldn't be able to drop him off or pick him up for nursery finishing. His dad usually does that when I am working. He was away. He asked her thinking she would be happy to help because she looks after his sisters kid every week. This was one time we asked.

Why not try to be really patronising? Oh, you did.

@Cherrytree86 @Wadadli exactly how can you have more sympathy for a cat than your children. Exactly as long as the cat is getting fed and watered its happy.

OP I think she’s flaky and annoying, and also self absorbed. I wouldn’t go no contact as it’ll be inconvenient for you and your DH, but I would either tell her she upset you or why, or make less effort with her and ask no favours. In any case, natural consequences tend to ensue eventually in these situations. As a gp, you get back what you put in, whether that’s intended or not.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, I think she's massively messed you about and not for good reason.

I think I wouldn't waste my energies on not talking to her but I also would stop making effort with her. And I certainly wouldn't rely on her in future for anything. She's shown quite clearly where her priorities lie and your child is not one of them unfortunately.

I think ultimately though, as its your dh family you need to also talk to him to see what he wants to do going forward. I think really he is the best placed person to have a direct conversation with his mum and I think he needs to be the one to decide how much interaction he wants to have with her going forwards and then you need to decide if you can accommodate that while being true to your own boundaries. The reason I say that is because family is often complex and if he's grown up in that complexity he may not see it as clearly as you do initially so you may need to be prepared for him to have to catch up with you in that respect. And in the meantime you don't want this to drive a wedge into your relationship because your family unit is what's really important here.

What did she say when DH spoke to her? I assume he said to her all what you have posted here - she commited to you first, you are family, it was a good opportunity to see her grandchild.

I am wondering if the cat sitting was even real.

Agree.
If a fully grown up adult woman can act like this ….., -and then totally ignore you when pulled up , on her quite frankly, appalling behaviour, then this is just a taste of what is to come ..,.
Its smacks of Narcissistic behaviour.
I would imagine if cornered shed just denied her behaviour, minimise and tell you that you are too sensitive… you aren’t.
Put your efforts into people who do Respect you …. Cos this old biddy does not ..