Not speaking to MIL

[sunshine240778474]

Please tell me if IABU

A while a go my husband asked his mother if she could look after our 15 month daughter for a few days as my husband was going to be out of town, on business, on the days I work. She agreed. It was just for during the day while I was working.

Closer to the time she informed me she had now agreed to look after her friends cats to allow them to go on holiday. She said she felt sorry for the cat to have a stranger look after him (the cat's owner was going to get a house sitter). This was in another town around 1 hour away therefore she couldn't watch our daughter anymore. She didn't forget she just obviously thought this was ok.

I don't have any other family therefore, I was left stuck and had to take time off work.

I don't expect anyone to look after my daughter for me, but it's the fact MIL agreed and then let my daughter, husband and myself down for a cat.

To make it worse when she was looking after the cat she had her other young grandchildren up staying with her but never offered my daughter.

I felt very hurt by this and felt angry/hurt for my daughter. Now I can't forgive my MIL for letting me child down and leaving her out. It makes me question her priorities.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to speak to her again?

This is the best answer. Honestly don’t give her any energy anymore. She has shown a side to her that I would be very reluctant to give back any more than was on offer from her.

Families are very complicated and if you step back you can often see where complicated long standing patterns of behaviour that feed into the minor day to day interactions.

Never speaking to her again over this will just cause you more problems in the long run. I speak as someone who is no contact with relatives due to them being abusive, the rippling effect and people getting pulled into the drama is awful. There isn’t any other options in my case.

In your situation, however, I would just not be available for her for a while. She wants to see you - no, you are too busy. She wants you to do something - no. It’s petty, but when you are feeling like you do in the long run it will make you feel better and stop resentment forming. It’s also less dramatic than not speaking ever.

I'm incredibly passive aggressive so would be getting her cat themed everything from now on.

Birthdays: Cat themed gift (like a RSPCA cat sponsorship), cat themed card (with a written message about how she is only 20 in cat years), cat themed cake.

Christmas: Cat themed gift, cat drawn in her christmas card by your daughter, cat christmas tree ornament.

Conversation: "How is your friend's cat?" "DD what is grandma's favorite animal?" "Oh but you love cats more than anything!" "What should be get grandma for her birthday, a kitten!?"

Take her on a day out to a cat cafe, talk about how this must be her dream come true.

If you are really pissed off you could probably find a picture of a cat shaped gravestone, ask her if she would like that one day when the time comes, but that might be taking things too far.

If you have to play nice and continue to talk to her, make sure she gets the message that a cat shouldn't come before her granddaughter ever again.

She didn’t JUST HAPPEN to look after the other grandchildren that day, did she? She declined looking after OP’s daughter so that she can look after a random person’s cats AND her other grandchildren. She CHOSE her other grandchildren and the cats over OP’s daughter and CHOSE to let OP down. This doesn’t just happen, it was a conscious choice she made. That’s quite deliberate to me. I’m not sure I will forgive or forget such attitude. I have grown up being an othered grandchild. The effects are lasting and let me tell you who loses out the most - the grandparents. Particularly when they start to get elderly and more lonely. Awful behaviour from the MIL.

Your husband needs to take this up with her, disgraceful behaviour

has he not already ????

I don’t have to imagine.

My in-laws have their daughter’s children 3-5 days a week and have done so for the past 14 years. We get two visits a year where they moan to DH about how much they do for his sister. They take said grandchildren on holiday and once offered to take ours but DH pointed out they never had ours for 2 hours so how could they manage 2 days.

I didn’t say anything about forgetting. I definitely haven’t and as I said I lowered any effort I made after that. I didn’t stop talking to MIL because what would that solve.

You still havent said what your DH made of it and said?

I would not stop speaking to her. I would message her and let her know what I thought and felt then leave the ball in her court. I would ask her no more favours and absolutely do none for her and seek alternative fall back childcare for the future. I’d probably distance myself for a while and make minimal effort and see what she does.

I completely understand your wanting to go NC in this situation. I would want to do the same thing. As a matter of fact, I probably would for a while. However, I hope my better judgment would kick in and I would realize that it is a pointless thing to do. Just limit your exposure to her. And limit your daughters exposure to her. Mt sister has 8 grandchildren and she clearly prefers 3 of them (her daughters children) and did things like this all the time to my two nephews. My nephews kids are clear that they are not a priority in her life.

She promised to help with your daughter, her granddaughter.
She reneged on that commitment and prioritised a friend's cat over her granddaughter
She then cared for her other grandchildren.
Yet some think her behaviour is acceptable?
You are entitled to be hurt at the choices she made. How can she justify her decision making?
You can't trust her so at the very least you should be going low contact.
Would also be interested to hear how your husband is addressing this.

Thats not what happened though is it?
She agreed... arrangements were made, then she backtracked because she decided to look after a friends cat instead causing OP to have to take time off work.
I

Your MIL has behaved very badly, but not speaking to her is childish. I’d have made my feelings clear at the time. Did you?

Now you know you can never rely on your MIL.

There might be underlying family dynamics going on or she just might not like you but I wouldn't stop speaking to her. Just be as available as she is when she wants your husband to do stuff. Put a distance between you. Don't ever chase her for anything.

I wouldnt be able to let this go either. She put a cat before her own GC and let you all down at the last minute.

I'd not ask her to do anything for me again and i'd also make comments about cats every so often. Ask her how her beloved little [insert cats name] is doing etc

I wouldn't stop speaking to her but I would distance myself. If she contacts you, minimal cool reply. Don't contact her. Don't ask anything of her again, but do nothing for her. If she asks for a favour you say no that's not possible.
If dh wants to see her then that's up to him, but don't get involved & don't visit yourself. If he wants her to see DD then he takes her, not you.
He is not to volunteer you to do anything regarding her.
Any Christmas/birthday presents & cards are down to him.
Your dd is too young to know she is being left out. If she grows up with the status quo that she doesn't see MiL very often, then it won't matter so much as she gets older. She can't miss what she's never had.

I wouldn’t go NC over it but I’d be really annoyed and wouldn’t forget it. I’d just not go out of my way to speak to her and certainly wouldn’t be doing her any favours.
I’ve got a similar situation with my MIL after some really horrible behaviour (out of the blue in an otherwise good relationship) I’ve just massively dialled down any effort I make toward her, I let DH manage the relationship with his side of the family now.

Firstly. You are not wrong. She is. Secondly, she let your husband down. I’d have made him unable to go away and need to take time off work. Plus why has he not addressed this hideous behaviour with her. She would never be invited to my house again and I wouldn’t allow my child to visit with her either until she had apologised. That was a hateful thing to do.

Your MIL was incredibly rude to let you down like that having agreed to help with childcare. It was bad enough that she chose to look after someone's cat instead of your daughter but then to look after her other grandchild at the same time is just adding insult to injury.

I would definitely re-think my relationship with her and pull right back. What does your DH think about her behaviour?

there are more mature and less petulant ways of addressing issues than not speaking to someone ever again. Yes her behaviour was rude but at 15 months your daughter will not be aware of this, and it was more of a snub to you not your daughter.

Your daughter is 15mths old and oblivious right now.
Stop being childish. If you’re upset with her, talk to her about it, or get your DH to talk to her. ‘Not speaking to her’ is schoolyard behaviour.

My MIL is a very effusive and enthusiastic gran, who adores my son - but she still pulled this crap on my birthday when she'd agreed to look after my son. Just decided she could go to a party and show up a few hours later than planned, but thought it was ok because she'd just have him in the evening instead.

She's desperate to look after him all the time, but just doesn't realise that jerking us around makes us reluctant to rely on her!

But I treat it with an eye roll and a lack of trust. I don't have the mental energy to waste trying to make her other than what she is.

I haven't voted, as you are obviously NBU to be disappointed and cross, but 'not speaking to her ever again' makes you sound immature, plus it will just eat you up inside.

You can be cool towards her, and/or you can tell her how really annoyed you are. You can remember how she let you down and then not be willing to help her out as and when you might otherwise have done, but 'not speaking' is not the way to go.

Why didn’t your DH call her and say that if she didn’t look after your DC as planned then he would have to cancel his work trip and deal with any knock on effects to his career because of it?

I’m not sure how this became your problem to resolve and I certainly wouldn’t have cancelled any of my work days. I would have phoned my DH, told him the situation and got him to speak to his mum/cancel his work trip.

Your career is just as important as your husband's.

OP, fast forward 20-odd years, when your daughter has a child of her own and her husband/partner takes against you and decides to go no contact without giving you a chance to apologise or explain. How would you feel?

I am not excusing your MIL, as based on the info we have in your post, it was poor. But refusing to speak to her ever again? Have you never let anyone down, or otherwise behaved in ways you've regretted later?

Does your husband get a say in this? Does he miss out on family occasions to be with you, or do you stay at home and sulk? What are you teaching your daughter about how to negotiate relationships? No forgiveness or compassion - just cut people off when they get something wrong? I hope you are the perfect mother if so, as with a 15 month old child you have a long way to go.

@Notquitethetruth I could tell my husband was very upset about it and couldn't understand why his daughter was being treated differently to his sisters daughter. I did message MIL when all this happened. I was not rude or nasty. I told her I was hurt by her actions towards my daughter and husband. She never replied. Yes, I did try and speak to her. She has never acknowledged it or taken ownership for what she did. Instead she just ignored me and expected everything to be as normal. For me I need to discuss it to move on. If that's childish so be it. I feel I am a very understanding person and understand people mess up in life, but I also feel there is things that should never happen in the first place. Letting my daughter and husband down for a cat is one of those things. Even if we did speak, of course I would be civil, but I'm not sure I could forgive it.