Not speaking to MIL

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Please tell me if IABU

A while a go my husband asked his mother if she could look after our 15 month daughter for a few days as my husband was going to be out of town, on business, on the days I work. She agreed. It was just for during the day while I was working.

Closer to the time she informed me she had now agreed to look after her friends cats to allow them to go on holiday. She said she felt sorry for the cat to have a stranger look after him (the cat's owner was going to get a house sitter). This was in another town around 1 hour away therefore she couldn't watch our daughter anymore. She didn't forget she just obviously thought this was ok.

I don't have any other family therefore, I was left stuck and had to take time off work.

I don't expect anyone to look after my daughter for me, but it's the fact MIL agreed and then let my daughter, husband and myself down for a cat.

To make it worse when she was looking after the cat she had her other young grandchildren up staying with her but never offered my daughter.

I felt very hurt by this and felt angry/hurt for my daughter. Now I can't forgive my MIL for letting me child down and leaving her out. It makes me question her priorities.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to speak to her again?

What was your relationship like before this?

Does she usually favour the other grandchildren?

I can understand your annoyance to be honest. Especially if you gave her a chance to explain and she ignored you.

She sounds like an old bitch

Ok, well I know for sure I would never choose an animal over my child or grandchild. I would be much more likely to let my friend down to look after my grandchild, than let my grandchild down to look after an animal. My child will always come first, and unless I have some serious personality change in 20 years time my grandchildren will always come first too. I did message her to say how I felt and she ignored me and has never come to speak to me after me saying I was hurt. How do you get prioritising your grandchild over a cat wrong? She knew what she was doing. It was a conscious choice

I’d be very angry but ‘never speak to her again’ is rather dramatic.

@Thedogandme Yes, it's been very obvious for a while she favoured the other grandchild. I could never imagine her letting them down.

@PurpleThistle7 Haha I agree. I didn't word that very well. Probably mean to say how do I move on from it and forgive her. It really hurt me.

That's INSANE

Shes putting a cat over her own grandchild.

I would be making zero effort for her or to facilitate any relationship with my child.

I'd just step back in the relationship, if stop making any effort.

Can't believe she dropped you in it, to help a cat who had a sitter arranged anyway.

That's very different.

I would say that the only way is to let her know how you feel, and how hurt you are. Maybe (and this is not an excuse but a possible explanation) she didn't work herself when her children were young, so she didn't realise how difficult it is when childcare is unreliable? I don't know - it's hard to think of a reasonable explanation, but there must be a reason for it. At least if you speak to her she will know that it wasn't acceptable. If your husband supports you in this, so much the better.

@ShyMaryEllen thanks for your response. It's not so much the child care issue that hurt me. Well it did, but the main thing that hurt me is that I feel she didn't want my daughter and favoured a cat over her, and also her other grandchild. It upsets me for my daughter. I feel she didn't want her, but was happy to have her other grandchild. Maybe I'm just an overly protective mother. I don't know. It just doesn't sit right with me

She sounds awful

Choosing a cat over your child
Choosing a new arrangement over one she had already committed to
Letting you down and then not acknowledging your messages about it

Has your husband ever said 'please can we discuss this, we still feel upset about being left in the lurch and having to arrange emergency leave because you let us down last minute for a cat'. Has he ever discussed other examples of how she favours the other grandchild with her?

I think ignoring her is a bit extreme. But I wouldn't rely on her to help ever and i wouldn't go out of my way to help her, ever. I'd see her but on my terms if it was convenient (unless you think the favouritism is so blatant that it will damage your child to see it in front of them in which case I'd avoid)

I hope she apologies to you, she was out of order.

After reading the rest of the story, there is nothing more you can say. You reached out, she ignored you. She could have apologized but she didn't. Unless you want to give her a complete pass, then you are left waiting for an apology that will likely never come.

She sounds inclined to do what she wants and doesn't feel bad about letting you down or not including your daughter. She also seems quite stubborn, to literally ignore your message and disregard your feelings. She either knows that this will lead to a stand off between the two of you or she is used to having her family never expect accountability from her and just "move on".

She's made a few choices here. You shouldn't have to turn the other cheek and just accept that she can blow you off. It's her job to repair this, not you.

I’d fuck her off Op. Can’t believe she let you down and made you take time off work for a cat?? A CAT!! As if the cat cares who feeds it??! I would be fuming. She sounds dense.

OP did give her MIL a chance to apologise or explain though. She has said:

'I did message MIL when all this happened. I was not rude or nasty. I told her I was hurt by her actions towards my daughter and husband. She never replied.'

OP hasn't just 'taken against' her MIL. She has reacted to her MIL's unacceptable behaviour. Her husband is very upset as well about his daughter being treated so much worse that his sister's daughter by his own mum.

So your husband arranged childcare so he could work but when it goes wrong the MIL messages you and you are left to take time off?

This is your DP problem to resolve. He should have told the time off. He should have spoken to HIS mum. He needs to address it.

It's not your argument to get involved in or upset about

Sorry I know this isn't the point of the thread, but why did your DH working away mean that you needed childcare during the day? Does he normally looking after your DC during the day? Is it possible your MIL has a judgement on that and did this so that you 'had' to look after DC?
Agree with PP don't understand why you had to cancel work and not DH.

If you read the thread more closely before correcting me, you would see that my first post crossed with the explanation, and I then responded to it, and was thanked by the OP.

I wouldn't totally go no contact, but I'd never contact her. If she rung, I wouldn't answer. I wouldn't go over to see her. I wouldn't facilitate any cards, gifts etc. I'd let my DH handle all contact with her. If she was in my house to see DH, I'd make her a cup of tea and say hello, but then I'd arrange to be elsewhere.

I used to tolerate more. But now, if you fuck me around, that's it. End of relationship. Not end of minimal interaction but no more relationship.

How is that passive aggressive? She’ll just think you now think she likes cats???

It does seem obvious that she's not there for your family. That is such a shame and really hurtful.

why did you stay off work? Surely your husband should have stayed home, since his childcare fell through? Maybe MIL would have changed her mind if it wasn’t you being shafted?

To make a promise to someone then act as if it’s no big deal when they break it, is bloody weird behaviour for a grown adult, never mind a Granny.

(I’m a MIL to 2 lovely DIL’s.)

The only excuse I can think of is that her daughter put pressure on her to prioritise her child over yours, but does that seem likely? I have a friend who has a manipulative DIL who threatens to withhold contact unless MIL drops everything to pander to her desires, although the kids are older now so I think she has far less power.

I think you need your DH to have a serious conversation with his mum and ask her what’s she playing at favouring his sister’s child over his.

I think it was probably more that she wanted the other gc and felt she couldn't have them both?

But whatever, it's not right to let you down when you depended on her to be able to go to work.

I'd talk to her face to face and tell her you feel very let down and that you feel she favours her other gc. Ask her if that's right. Ask her if she thinks you can depend on her. By asking questions f2f she can't ignore you.

If the replies are avoidant or poor then I'd barely bother with her again and certainly never trust her. It's sad to feel like that about someone in close family, bit it does happen to many of us.

Exactly this. This should have then become your DH’s problem to solve with his mum. What did HE say to her, and why was it not him who had to miss work if it was usually his days to look after DD? Obviously fine if there’s a reasonable answer to this, but it still should have been DH discussing his disappointment with his DM.

I wouldn’t stop contact altogether, but I would make contact very minimal/on a necessity basis only. And wouldn’t be rushing to do her any favours. She’s shown she’s unreliable and flaky. Disgusting behaviour on her part.