Differences (rep Ireland) Irish V UK

[Sillysandy]

I am Irish living in Ireland. My DH is British, he is an immigrant who grew up in London but had lived for 20 years in Ireland when I met him.

I discovered mumsnet about 8 years ago when I took on a sort of stepmum role and was flabbergasted at some of the stories, attitudes and opinions.

I still found the site extremely helpful, often giving me clarity on situations which would cause me a lot of angst.

However when I talk to friends and family members living in the UK I realise that a lot is to do with cultural differences.

It's amazing given how close geographically we are.

Attitudes to money, marriage, divorce, wedding gifts, abortion, house purchases, communication with friends are so far from anything I've seen in my circles.

To give my pov; (these are all generalisations) we get married later, we stay married, we don't consider abortion unless it's very particular circumstances, we are indirect about money "I'll get this one, you can get the next one (but it is LAW you only accept if you are buying back)" and sending bank details for a small amount would be horrifyingly rude, you only attend a wedding with a card containing at least 100 euro pp, you usually get married in your mid thirties, your kids are mainly all with the one father, we hide behind humour until we know a person very well, we don't report benefit fraud, we laugh a lot more... That's just off the top of my head.

The other thing is that most Irish people know all about English Irish historical tensions but many English people are utterly oblivious.

YABU You're talking out of your ass
YANBU The differences are enormous

I'd love to hear some thoughts on this. In my line of work now I do a weekly call with my UK based team and I always notice subtle differences in attitude.

I enjoyed the Irish series The Great House Renovation (I hope that’s the right title) so much more than Grand Designs. We’re English, and we both tried to analyse why the Irish version was better.

I think it was because the people (the couples) were just so nice and down to earth. I stopped watching GD partly because the people were so up themselves, smug and pretentious. The presenter too was a delight and so avuncular and funny - unlike the stressy, hand-wringing Kevin McCloud!

And Ireland has some wonderful buildings for renovation too, of course.

Irish living in London 15 years. Yes, all you've mentioned is pretty accurate.

Yeah, i find the culture of reporting on mumsnet/in the UK hysterical. So fucking weird.

During COVID I lived on a council estate, a mix of houses and flats. While MN was obsessing about how long you could be out for a walk/ how many walks you could take and wether to report their neighbours, my neighbours were either sunning themselves outside and BBQ ing or heading off to work in shops/ restaurants/ hospitals.
While MN was home ordering everything to be delivered, my husband was in a hot restaurant kitchen squashed in with the staff churning out takeaways to drive all over town.
I couldn’t imagine anyone where I lived giving a shit about reporting a neighbour for taking 2 walks.
Mumsnet is a parallel universe, not necessarily representative of British culture.

Yeah, it's so bizarre. The idea of reporting anything other than a dangerous crime is so alien. I see people talking about reporting each other on here and don't even who they'd be reporting to!

I think its fine if that is what the bereaved want. I used to often be peripherally involved with people who had lost a family member (NHS elderly care in a rural community) and remember the air of disapproval amongst the staff if the family chose not to have a "proper funeral" and the absolute shock horror when a widow who was in hospital for respite care when her husband died said that she would not be attending the funeral. The staff attitude was "oh she must"
I don't think that there is a better or best way of dealing with death or that one culture deal with it better than another. My mother had a wicker coffin and a pink cadillac hearse, a proper "life celebration" We did it for her because she had said it was what she wanted......different people different choices.

I disagree .. €100 per person was when I got married 18 years ago.. it’s more €150 a head now. A list will be kept and it will be noted who gave what!!

Absolutely there is snobbery and class differences. Having lived in both places it is just different though; not as obvious maybe. There was an awful lot of poverty in Ireland until the 1990’s and we’ve seen the “middle” grow much larger. So there are these families with generational money - but most people grew up in struggling families so I think you find less people with “notions” and generally “notions” do not serve you well.

Also less private schooling means more mixing. More people in the UK have lived in this bubble of privilege their entire lives. But we have those people here too, there are just less of them.

Ah no that’s not how I saw it at all. I got married during the recession and some people gave less or nothing and I would never mention it and would be just happier they were there, People who were self employed who would have been on their knees at the time.

I have a wealthy aunt who gifted my cousins a cheap fruit bowl and she’s still the talk of the family for it, but I assume this would go for every country. Like she is a multi millionaire and gave a euro shop bowl.

I wish my family got the note about monetary presents at weddings...we got 4 sets of wine glasses and we don't drink. Stingy gits. My English family that travelled over were more generous

Yes, we're Irish and live in Ireland.

The death thing is too extreme both ways I think. Somebody being buried 2/3 days after death can be too soon I think, but the month long delays in the UK are ridiculous

One thing that jumped out to me when I moved back here after 3 decades in London was the proclivity for adult
relatives to stuff 10 or 20 euro notes into the kids’ hands every time we meet. Usually with a hushed “Buy yourself an ice cream with that! Sure you’d be lucky if it’s enough to get one”.

On a related note, kids’ birthday parties are sooooo much easier as everyone just sticks 20 euro notes into a card. No more rushing to try and buy a last minute gift.

Death is part of life here and so much healthier the way we get a chance to come together and remember the person.

People - strangers - speak to each other without being held back by a fear that they may accidentally end up making a friend that they don’t have time for.

Nothing comes close to Radio 4. Irish radio is pretty trite.

Tonnes more - it’s a different world entirely.

My friends grandad died on Monday late evening, around 10 or 11 pm I think, funeral home Tuesday, burial Wednesday. They were the talk of the village for 'running away with him' and they never put a notice on RIP.IE . There's usually a clear working day between death and funeral, and the lack of notice, well as someone said upthread he may as well not have been dead at all.

I've never been to any English wedding where I could just hand over an empty card. Every wedding I've been to has been a list usually John Lewis or money (£50 minimum but that would be a friend).

Agree!

Can I throw sport into the mix? The GAA as the backbone of many communities, the fact that on big sporting occasions we don't have to keep our fans separate. You'll find both sides mixing outside the ground ahead of hurling and football finals.

There will be friendly piss taking about each others teams but rarely serious violence (we'll reserve that for the schmozzle on the pitch). A marriage between a Cork and Kerry person or Dublin and Meath will be described as a "mixed marriage" with discussion of which side any future kids will take after in jest.

On the private school issue - all I can say is hello South Dublin neighbours! There's more of us on MN than I'd have guessed.

Irish people will also manage to work out some kind of loose connection between them when they meet for the first time. "Sure didn't you go to school/work with John's best friend" or your parents were from the same parish and then both parties are satisfied that they have established a connection.

Bloody hell. Do you enjoy getting offended and actively seek out ways to make it happen?

When did I imply there was anything wrong with reporting benefit fraud? I said we don't do it. A pp explained it very well, that it is a hangover of when we were under British rule and were sticking it to the man.

I said we 'mainly' have our kids with one father as in most of the people, not we have seven kids to one man then just one or two to another.

Oh yes the cash being thrust into the children's hands! I think that's really a rural thing, well I've only seen it once with my DC and that was at a family gathering with my mother's generation of siblings. I was so embarrassed, 20 and even 50 euro notes being thrust at my DC to their absolute delight, they came home rich. Even my same age as me cousin got in on the act. I was so embarrassed as I had no cash on me for their children (I'm from South Dublin and this is NOT a thing).

I'm Irish living in the UK(Surrey). I grew up just outside Dublin and my wider family is from Mayo and Tipp.

There are deffo cultural differences between Ireland and the UK but also the Dublin area and outside of Dublin. The expectations around behaviour were different within my friendship groups and family groups.

At my wedding it was so funny to see the differences between the gifts given by our English friends and Irish friends. There was also a big difference in how dressed up they got for the wedding.

Death and funerals are very different- at home I wouldn't think twice about going to a school friend's parent's funeral. In the UK I would only go to a funeral if specifically invited.

Chatting to people out and about - when I first moved to the UK I would chat to people (men and women) at the bar waiting for drinks - so many people thought I was hitting on them when I was just passing the time! It felt a little bit like people expect you to have an agenda if you speak to a stranger. That might just be a south Eastern UK thing though. I'm not even particularly friendly by Irish standards!

I find people here are either very reserved and difficult to get to know or they tell you their life story when you show the smallest bit of interest and ask nothing back.

In Ireland, there isn't as much a focus on "class" and historically the difference between poor and wealthy wasn't as vast as in England. I found that as a foreigner, people here didn't always know where to "place" me class wise which led to some funny assumptions.

This is a big generalisation - People in England actually practice their religion (if they have one) Irish people don't tend to be religious but will do the nice days out I.e. Christenings, communions, confirmations, weddings.

The funeral thing…I do think Ireland is much better at familiarity with death. I’m born and raised in England but had an Irish granny, and when she died when I was a small child we were all taken to kiss her goodbye (in her own bed. This seemed completely normal and was really helpful as a peaceful acceptance that she was really gone, but it’s only now occurred to me that it would be quite unusual here and my mum’s instinct to do it probably came from that background.

The speedy funeral thing I think is tied up with the fact that a Catholic Requiem Mass is quite a standard issue template, so there isn’t as much to think about/capacity for personalisation. While the length of time some people have to wait for a funeral here can be awful, they do take planning, whether in church or secular - writing eulogies, choosing music/readings/giving people notice to come from all over/booking somewhere for tea or drinks…and I think having all of that to think about can give people a focus that helps them get through that first couple of weeks. It must be possible to get it down quicker here though, because Muslim and Jewish funerals are always immediate.

Death and funerals are very different- at home I wouldn't think twice about going to a school friend's parent's funeral. In the UK I would only go to a funeral if specifically invited.

See I’m in the UK and would always go to a school friend’s parent’s funeral - have been to colleague’s parent’s funerals too. Part of being there for someone.

writing eulogies, choosing music/readings/giving people notice to come from all over/booking somewhere for tea or drinks…

All that has to happen for an Irish funeral too though, just very quickly.
Rip.ie is useful for spreading the word.

I’m British married to an Irish man, I love Irish in laws. Communication is an issue, MIL seems to think that I magically know about plans.

generosity is a big difference and death/funerals. My DH attends everyone’s funeral in England

Yes! My DD gets money thrust upon her whenever we see Irish relatives! I’d forgotten that.

My MIL magically gives a hot dinner to any caller to the house.

Gosh inheritance is certainly a topic frequently discussed in DH's family. We are in the grips of it now as FIL is old and all of this bitthers and sisters are up in arms about what might happen to a small parcel of land he owns. It is adjacent to all of theirs and they don't want to 'hear English voices' if it's passed to us 🤔
FIL is widowed and keeps shacking up with anyone who will look after him which sends them in to throes about them being 'gold diggers' and only after his land.

Also the cultural catholic I absolutely get GIL and MIL were dead against religion but still sent their kids to catholic schools and when MIL died we said no mass as it would be against her wishes but we're overruled and a mass would definitely be expected and people would talk.

Culturally Catholic is very big in the northeast US and to some extent in Quebec (Quebec really massively secularised in recent decades). It’s hard to explain but you definitely know it when you see it. It’s part of people’s identity but it doesn’t mean they go to church regularly.

i grew up in the UK but in a fairly traditional Jewish family and so was also always somewhat appalled by British funerals. Jewish ones aren’t elaborate but we have strict rituals.