Have you ever been a bully? Why?

[Sophiehoney]

This thread, if there's any interest, might get dark so this is just a trigger warning.

The recent thread about someone being contacted by her school bully was really long and I noticed a few people sympathising with the bully and at least one person admitting that they were bullies.

I suspect there probably were a few more people that bullied people but didn't admit it.

Name change if you must but I am just genuinely interested - if you were a bully, why did you do it?

Or if you're not a bully, feel free to give your reasons why you think they do it!

The difference is though I grew out of it and didn't turn into an adult bully like yourself. On a page about bullying do you think it acceptable to call someone a psycho

I was bullied but I am ashamed to say that to make myself feel better or look better in the eyes of the bullies, I was mean to a couple of girls in my year at school that I used to be friends with and was a bitch to them. Things like not talking to them and pulling faces at one of them (although i was 14 at the time so I must have been really immature). I still feel bad about it. Both their mums complained to my mum about it after which I stopped. I thought it would gain me acceptance but I was still bullied and it didn’t work. So I’d say it was nuanced to an extent. My home life was also shit - my dad was violent and I had to leave all my friends and move to a different country. But it’s no excuse at all and as I say I still feel bad. I’ve never bullied anyone as an adult.

@CoffeeCantata I assumed as you were replying to me it was a discussion with me...

Behave, it's not bullying. It's calling out crappy behaviour.

You excused torturing your schoolmates by saying "I had to let it out on someone" no you didn't. There's loads of other ways you could have vented your feelings.

You literally chose to hurt others to make yourself better. Which most people would agree is pretty psychotic behaviour. Then tried to say you "had to" do it which is also pretty psychotic.

I wasn't a bully. I was more of a sitting target, because I was 'different' (my appearance, my build, my 'posh' accent, my name, the area where I lived, etc. were all ammunition for the bullies). Humans like conformity. It is probably seen as neat and perfect. Thus, anything that is different needs to be hounded and made fun of, to encourage the outliers to toe the line. Sadly, I realised that even my vague attempts to conform didn't mean that I fitted in, and they didn't make me happy, so I gave up bothering. What was the point? (Perhaps this is why I try 'odd' things now, so rather than playing netball for fun, I'd rather do trapeze and aerial silks).

In my case, one of my bullies also had wonky teeth. It's no excuse, but I suspect that he was probably made to feel ashamed of his teeth, and because mine were worse, perhaps he thought I should be made to feel as bad as he did.

I hope that they eventually come to the realisation that, by making themselves feel big and invincible, they made others feel terrible... and feel guilty about that.

Explain how a 13 year old can vent their feelings that they don't even understand

I think so….had up to go back and check and retrace my chain of thought!

I was picking up on the comment that the craving for power comes from insecurity,which it probably does sometimes, but not always. I don’t think bullies are always insecure, for example. I think some people just enjoy power for its own sake.

I think I was briefly when I was around 7. There was a girl who was a well known bully and was really violent. She seemed to choose “friends” by figuring out who was vulnerable. I was one of the people she decided to befriend. I was a mute autistic kid who was bullied in school and completely neglected/abused at home. I was desperate for a friend so joined her group for a while until she bullied this autistic boy by throwing his lunch box under a temporary hut thing and he was really distressed and rocking back and forth so I crawled under and got it back for him. Then I was ostracised from the group and spent the next few weeks being relentlessly bullied by the group until my ex “friend” tried to crack my head open with a loose brick from a wall. When I returned to school she wasn’t there anymore. I don’t know why she bullied as she just seemed to really enjoy hurting people and when I met her parents they seemed really nice but obviously I don’t know.

I know you asked about people who have been bullies but came on to say that no I haven’t.

I’ve always had a heart and wouldn’t never want to deliberately upset anyone who’d done nothing to me. Whenever I saw someone being bullied I always felt a pain in my chest thinking how they must feel.

Human behaviour can be disgusting, I’ve noticed in life that nasty bullies can be the most popular, well liked people, it’s bizarre.

I can only think that people who go out of their way to hurt and intimidated other human beings are a bit wired wrong and have no conscience.

how would they like it if it was their child being bullied?

Why should I explain it to you? it was your responsibility, not mine. A 13 year old is three years over being considered criminally responsible for their actions. You knew full well that what you were doing was wrong at 13.

Do you think you were the only 13 year old in your school that had feelings they needed to vent?

You chose to do what you did to other kids because you wanted to and it made you feel better. Other kids found ways, they didn't want to hurt others. You did.

The kids you bullied probably had feelings they needed to vent. They were probably having a hard time at home. That's why you picked on them, you could see they were vulnerable. You took away any chance they had to get any respite from their home life by making their school life shit. For your own needs.

Pretty sure if our own kid was being bullied by a 13 year old you wouldn't say "oh well, explain how a 13 year old can vent their feelings they don't understand".

Which, by the way, doesn't sound like someone who is remorseful.

Yes when I was 15 someone was bullying my little cousin at school so I started bullying her. Not big, not clever, made me feel a bit shitty but to be honest I think she learned her lesson. What freaked me out was that I was pretty good at bullying. My dad can be a bit of a bully so I guess it’s a bit of a family trait. I’m glad I’m aware of it I guess?

This. I'm in my 40's now and still find this difficult. Late diagnosed ASD and ADHD. Angry because I feel like nobody understands me but I don't yet understand myself and embarrasingly I have no close relationships because of this because i recognise I still 'lash out' so instead of being cruel, im percieved as cold. Even my children find me difficult. I have however raised kind caring kids who are nothing like I was when I was a kid and would never bully or be unkind to their peers

Im answering a question on a thread other people have admitted to bullying when children to yet you haven't come at them is their a reason for this?

Im the same bpd I have no clue who i am and im late 30s

It certainly does NOT sound that you are disappointed in her. Quite the contrary. I hope your daughter has sought help for this awful trauma. These pathetic bullies do not deserve to take up any more space in your darling daughters head. She is better than them by far and then some

Thanks so much! She’s had some therapy and is now living a reasonably happy life and is a very creative person.

She’s more forgiving towards the bullies than I will ever be!

So sorry that happened to you and that poor boy, but how strange. I wonder where her nastiness came from?

This has made me feel so sad. I’m sorry you weren’t cared for by your parents. You should have been. Thank you for getting that little boys lunchbox back

Same here. I was a total misfit at school and badly bullied. I think there's a lot of different reasons why people bully so it's complex. Of the people who bullied me, I'd say:

• Some just wanted to fit in and bullying someone weaker was a way to do that. I think they also got a kick from it, despite not actually being horrible people in general. This was probably the most common reason. I imagine these people might have felt bad about it once they grew up a bit.

• One definitely didn't have a very nice home life. I think it probably made her feel temporarily better to hurt someone else. We were in sixth form together years later and she had fewer friends there and seemed more vulnerable. We got on quite well then and I do believe she's a nice person at heart.

• One girl was a queen bee type and as far as I can tell had a nice home life and nice parents. She just seemed to really enjoy being a bully. She seemed to have an inherent mean streak. I always wondered if she had a sociopath / psychopath element to her.

I’m bloody delighted she is living a happy life now. Bloody delighted

I did the Halloween costume thing but to myself in my twenties. I went on my own to an after work industry related Halloween party in full on witches outfit complete with green face. Everyone else was in suits.

I'd also like to recommend the book Bully-Proof Kids by Stella O'Malley.

It's a good overview of the psychology of the different reasons why kids bully or are bullied.

I was bullied because I was shy and different I think. I was a late June baby and my mum kept me late from starting school until the January, and taught me to read and write and do sums at home during that period. When I finally started school friendship groups were already established. I was very quiet with short hair (because my mum thought it was chic and french!) and all the other girls had long hair.

She bullied me all the way through primary school. She made sure I had nobody to play with. She hit anyone who tried to get me involved. She was very much “ you have short hair/the wrong shoes/can’t catch so you can’t play with us”. I was the last to be picked in any team. For a while my mum was a dinner lady at my school and said looking out of the window after lunch and seeing me stood on my own in the playground, or being rebuffed from playing with someone absolutely broke her heart. She mentioned it to a couple of teachers but they just told her I needed to toughen up.

The day we broke up for Easter a girl my age moved next door to our house. She was going to be in my class. We had two weeks of non-stop playing in the holidays before we went back to school and by then we were best friends.

Siobhan (the bully) kind of lost her power after that. But she always made a dig or nasty remark until the day she left school at 16 and it left me with a lifetime of low esteem and fear of rejection.

Apparently she’s now a community nurse. I have no idea how such a nasty mean child got into such a caring profession. And the girl from next door? She’s still my best mate 42 years later, and even though she doesn’t know it, possibly saved my life.

Wow - on so many levels.

So glad your friendship has lasted! But the fact that Siobhan became a Community Nurse is unsettling. Yes, where do these people go after school?

if you’ve experienced bullying you do wonder. I’ve occasionally had bad vibes from people I’ve met or worked with…just the odd remark which makes me wonder what they were like as children. I’m afraid some of these have been teachers!

I was bullied in primary school after my parents marriage broke down - it was a catholic school and was treated like a death in the family. It made me a target of the school bully who was thick as a plank, and came from a notoriously rough family. It escalated at secondary school but fortunately for me, we moved before he hurt me too badly - I do remember being thrown across the hallway so hard that I could not move for a minute after I hit the wall. One of my 'friends' who saw it commented after how people saw my knickers when I hit the wall and fell down and how disgusting that was. No one helped, ever. But I guess they were scared of him too - think the teachers were too.

When we moved, I decided to reinvent myself. So while I was still different (urban kid in a rural school, southern accent in a northern town, travelled a lot as opposed to locals who were very insular) I decided I was cool and other people kind of bought into it. I did get some mean frenemy stuff, but all in all, it was a better experience. Funnily enough there was a similar sort of boy in my year, although slightly less unhinged. Because I went out of my way to show I was not scared of him, he left me alone. I dont know where I found the confidence, because I certainly did not feel good about myself often. The bad news is that I have a shell which makes me look like I am doing ok, even when I am not.

I was also bullied in a job by an ex pubic school, very privileged boss. He got in massive trouble after I left, of which my leaving was a small part (the clients could see what he had been doing and were furious I was going) and was fired. It was a lot harder to defend myself in that situation.

I am not blaming victims here. But I think there is a sort of bully who is looking for weakness to make themselves feel better, and who leave you alone if you look like you wont be susceptible. I think there is more hope for them, that they will grow up, develop more empathy and be decent people. The boss and the guy from primary school were more sadistic in my opinion and just enjoying distress and pain. I think they are sociopaths and dont think you can recover from that.