Have you ever been a bully? Why?

[Sophiehoney]

This thread, if there's any interest, might get dark so this is just a trigger warning.

The recent thread about someone being contacted by her school bully was really long and I noticed a few people sympathising with the bully and at least one person admitting that they were bullies.

I suspect there probably were a few more people that bullied people but didn't admit it.

Name change if you must but I am just genuinely interested - if you were a bully, why did you do it?

Or if you're not a bully, feel free to give your reasons why you think they do it!

Sorry Cyan - that wasn’t directed at you. I was just pondering on what a few pps have said - that the people who bullied them went on to enter ‘caring’ roles as adults.

The news that the horrible girl who tormented my daughter is now preaching Christianity in Nepal certainly left me gobsmacked!

Really, though? I mean, if this is true it must be something very new. In my experience the ‘be kind’ mantra is highly insincere and yes - often espoused by the Mean Girls’ Brigade both at school and in adulthood.

But I admit I’m not up to speed, so if this is really happening now - great.

If you think that expressing how you feel about bullying is the same as bullying, then you don’t understand bullying.

Just to clarify. His death was not suicide; he died from a longstanding illness. We remained friends after I did what I did.

In primary school I'm not sure why (think DB was being mean at home) I made a girl stand in one spot all break time and said mean things. I did it the next day. Then a teacher found out and gave me an absolute rollicking. I was 6 or 7 I think.

When I was 11 I also invented a situation of kissing a boy but deliberately ran away and said he had a snotty nose. It was planned with a friend.

Those were the only 2 things.

I've always made sure not to say or do mean things since then.

I'm not sure they are always hurt as much as cowardly.

Cowardly people seek to cloak themselves in power - and to abuse it.

I have no regret for punching a bully repeatedly after constant mocking. I punched them mid insult and it felt amazing.

@Mary678Babe don’t make excuses for being mean

I think they aim to "be seen" as kind.

I'm not sure it is always as substantive as it might be.

What about you OP??

If SEN means that a child genuinely has no agency in their behaviour, of course they can't fairly be punished for it; BUT that doesn't mean that they should just be allowed to freely beat other children, without protecting their targets.

My DS was regularly attacked by a boy with SEN at a club, who would regularly come up behind him and punch him hard in the back of the neck. He did this to other children too. The club leader's reckoning was that he had SEN, which caused the violence, so my DS and the others just had to put up with it. It was one of a few reasons why my DS decided to leave the club after years and stop going.

Even adult professionals who are paid to care for people with very challenging behaviours are taught and enabled to protect themselves and distract/restrain their charges to minimise the impact. Nobody tells them that they just have to accept that they will be punched and it's just tough; so why on earth should a child be expected to?

I am ashamed to admit I have bullied two people. I bullied someone who was bullying me. I had finally had enough and I actually asked him out on a date in front of his girlfriend. It worked though, because he went bright red, and he never bullied me ever again. I think they're actually married now. I also bullied someone who asked me to be her guarantor. I don't know if she thought I was an easy target and would agree to it. But I said no. At that time I was in love with her then fiance. She never knew I fancied him. He never knew I fancied him. So I set up secret accounts to bully her and try it on with him. She never knew it was me behind it all. I knew I had taken things way too far when I sent him a naked picture of myself to him on his wedding day. I only sent a picture of my breasts. So he never knew it was me. But she was so upset. Anyway it was at that point I realized I had to stop. I realized my problems were nothing to do with my ex friend and her now husband, and they were all to do with me. So I closed down all my secret accounts, and I unfriended her on Facebook, all on the wedding day. Never contacted her again ever since. She has never heard from me from that day to this and that was three years ago.

I’ve never bullied anyone - a few unkind remarks here and there as a teenager but that was part and parcel and I received my fair share of those back. I was a prime target for bullying - overweight, glasses etc but I’ve always had an unshakeable sense of confidence and self esteem (no idea where that came from).
I remember when I was about 12 or 13 and one girl in my class kept making shitty comments to me. I gave it back a bit but mostly ignored her. A few days later I was sitting behind her in a lesson and I remember just seeing her hair crawling with headlice. I just thought…”oh.” Even at 12 or so I was like ah, she must be miserable, that’s why she’s being a cow to me. I don’t think she had a great home life.
I know many people have experienced horrific bullying and I really feel for them. But equally I don’t know how angry I can feel towards bullies younger than about 14 or so? Kids themselves. Having said that I’d be mortified if DD was bullying someone. It’s a really hard one I think.