Have you ever been a bully? Why?

[Sophiehoney]

This thread, if there's any interest, might get dark so this is just a trigger warning.

The recent thread about someone being contacted by her school bully was really long and I noticed a few people sympathising with the bully and at least one person admitting that they were bullies.

I suspect there probably were a few more people that bullied people but didn't admit it.

Name change if you must but I am just genuinely interested - if you were a bully, why did you do it?

Or if you're not a bully, feel free to give your reasons why you think they do it!

It was a joke, but when it actually happened, it didn’t feel funny. I wanted to cry because I’d humiliated him. His costume was awesome as well.

It was 46 years ago and it still bothers me. He’s dead now 😔.

Same here! My daughter was bullied in secondary school. She self harmed because of it. It changed her. Even now ( she's 22 ) she has self esteem issues.They made her feel she was nothing. She needed counselling.
She's damaged.
There's a special place in hell for bullies.

Why did you chose him though?

Yes. I was so sad as a child and was bullied myself but nobody would ever have guessed as I was 'popular and acted tough' when in reality I was scared and introverted, not to mention I smelled and had dirty clothes and fairly abusive and non caring neglectful parents, so bullied others as a sort of deflection technique. I never disliked any of the kids I bullied but they were easy targets for me. A girl that I bullied reached out to me a few years back and I still hate myself for how I made her feel.

Because he was my best friend and I thought it would be a funny joke.

My ex boss was a bully.
When I asked him why he said he just did it because he could.!
He didn't have a great home life and his issues were brought to his parents attention for assessment.They didn't want a label for him.His outbursts and anger went on for a while.
The bullying died down then he turned to drink and substances.

I wouldn't say it verged into bullying but I still think about how I completely turned against a girl who was a friend in year 5/6. I was absolutely horrible to her for a little while (we ended up being good friends again in high school).

I know why it was, it was because I used to go to her house a lot and every time I went she seemed to have the perfect life. They ate proper actual dinners at the table and her mum and dad played games with her, they hugged her loads, her house was clean, her clothes/hair were always clean, she had a garden to play in, she never had to worry about her dad's moods, her mum was so loving etc. She was just so clearly cared for and her family were so 'normal', it felt so secure and safe being there, then I'd have to go home. It was the complete opposite of my homelife and I was so jealous I didn't want to see it anymore so I stopped talking to her and said nasty things to her.

I feel bad for how awful I was at that age (10-11 years old) I was very unkind to her and she didn't know the reason. I was just a kid with a shitty home life who just wanted to be loved like she was. I also feel bad for 10 year-old me, wish I could give her a hug (and a bath).

I completely agree. It’s a form of torture.

I was unkind towards a boy that fancied me in secondary school who I didn't fancy who wouldn't take a hint once so I'm no Angel but otherwise I was bullied in primary, secondary and I've been bullied as an adult by some mums at my child's old school (my daughter is high needs non verbal ASD and was in mainstream school who's needs weren't being met or able to be supervised properly by staff and this unfortunately was reflected in her behaviour) and by a former friend who isolated me from other (now also former) friends.

Urgh. I hate it when I post something and accidently forget to change the username. Now I'm stuck with this stupid name for the whole thread.

Anyway, bullies bully because they enjoy it. I can still see the faces of my bullies in my head. All of them, and there were many, have smiles on their faces, they are having a good time, what they are doing is fun to them, it makes them happy.

Even at the time, as a pre-teen and teenager, I remember thinking, as they jeered at me and hurt me physically, how happy they all looked. Sharing in this happy, fun group activity. I bet some of them sit and remember it fondly or laugh about it still with each other.

You can come up with all the reasons why they do it that you like, but it does all boil down to - "because they enjoy it".

Even the ones that "had a shit home life" ultimately do it because they enjoy it. They are angry and they are hurt themselves, sure, but they still enjoy having an outlet to those feelings.

So if you started this thread to get answers for how people treated you (I don't know if you did, but if you did) then there is your answer - they liked it, they thought it was great. That's why they did it.

And I actually found comfort in that, because I could finally understand that it wasn't because of me, they weren't doing it to punish me because I was bad and deserved it, they weren't doing it because I needed to be taught some sort of lesson because there was something wrong with me. It was nothing to do with me. They did it because they liked hurting people and I was a person they could hurt. Simple as that.

I genuinely hope that's answers your question.

I’m sure it can do - but I don’t think it explains every case of bullying. Some people are just psychopaths and have no empathy. They get their kicks from having power over others.

I don’t think there are any hard-and-fast rules you can apply which are true in every case. I’ve met many people who are insecure and who are gentle, empathetic and just want to be liked - being insecure doesn’t make you a bully. Being a horrible person does.

It's very strange because I have always stood up to bullies. I was taught to but also had a strong sense of justice (and I was physically strong as well so not afraid of either boys or girls when younger).

In y 7 I was friends with 3 girls. One of them sort of ignored me (I thought) so I would play jokes on her to get some attention. It turns out that she felt bullied. I never understood that it was bullying because it wasn't a group thing, it was just me noone else laughing at her or anything and I never saw her sad because that would have stopped me immediately. I was really stupid. Really really stupid to not put myself in her place for a moment and think. I did apologise (the same year) and we hang out some but I was wary around her because I was so afraid to do something that would upset her. Taught me a lesson.

Yes as a teenager and I still feel awful about it the reality was I was very unhappy and angry and had to take it out on someone

As a kid who was relentlessly bullied at secondary school, it brings me comfort that bullies DO grow up and feel shit about what you did.

I’m so sorry your beautiful daughter went through this and I sincerely hope she recovers. I’ve always thought the best revenge against pathetic bullies is to go on and have a happy life and I am so wishing this for your girl.

I dont think i have, I was bullied at school and in some of the jobs I have had.

One thing im very worried about is being caught up in mob mentality, herd mentality, pack mentality or that kind of thing. I know its kind of stupid (and it doesn't keep me awake at night)

I'm not sure it would be classed as bullying because it was a one off. A couple of girls were teasing another girl, I joined in and laughed. The girl left class in tears. Seeing that she cried made me feel really bad and I didn't do it again. If she hadn't shown it had upset her I'm not sure if I would have come to the realisation of how wrong it was straight away.
I did it because the other girls looked like they were enjoying it and I wanted to be part of that. I didn't think of how it could effect her. The impact of bullying wasn't really talked about when I was at school. If I knew then that some children never get over it and some end their lives I don't think I would've done it. I knew violence was wrong but it was very much sticks and stones break bones and words don't hurt back then.

I’m sure it can do - but I don’t think it explains every case of bullying.

I never said it did....

I think bullying has to be a sustained campaign. It’s not nice to be mean ever, but a one-off incident isn’t really the same as bullying. It’s the day after day continual, cumulative humiliation and mental torture that can destroy the victim.

My thoughts were moving along, inspired by your comment. Isn’t that how discussions work?

This really resonates with me. I was an absolute cunt in early high school years. Home life was rough but no excuse and I'd do anything to go back and be kind to everyone I took the piss out of.

Did you, though? Because I guarantee there were plenty of other kids in your school who were also very unhappy and didn't select someone to take it out on.

Since bullies usually pick the most vulnerable victims, chances are you made another kid who was also very unhappy even unhappier while giving yourself an outlet. Their only relief might have been school and they didn't get that relief because you needed to take it out on them.

I'd feel awful too if I did that but I'm not a psycho, so I didn't.

I’m really sorry about your girl as well going through this. It’s bloody awful

It is very weird looking back, because I can see how awful I was, but I distinctly remember feeling entitled to even the score. I think I was lucky because there was a genuine anti-bullying culture at my school, so my behaviour was outside the norm and quickly spotted and stopped.

My sister was four years younger and went to a different school and also went through a phase of being a horrible bully. Her school were shit at dealing with it though so it went on much longer and it fell into a pattern of various groups of kids generally being awful to each other because it was just an expected way for teens to behave. She snapped herself out of it at about 14 and distanced herself from her old friends and is now a very nice person.

We've talked about it occasionally, particularly now we have kids ourselves, about how we were raised to be bullies under the guise of toughening us up. If anyone complained about it, they were told "its teaching you not to be a wimp" and to be frank, if news of what I had done had ever got home, my parents would have justified it too.

Thanks so much. She still has no close friends and no one to celebrate her birthday with. She’s very insecure about other people and I think always will be. Her bullies are all mums now with great careers but my daughter, despite 2 excellent degrees, works in the local pub because she can’t cope with the pressure of a career or office politics.

This sounds as though I’m disappointed in her - I’m so not! I know what she went through and have infinite sympathy for her but as a family we are positive and cheerful and celebrate her talents and achievements.

My son never had these problems - it’s such a difficult thing to fathom. But psychologically I think if you’ve suffered sustained bullying it becomes hard-wired into your mind and it’s really hard to heal.