Have you ever been a bully? Why?

[Sophiehoney]

This thread, if there's any interest, might get dark so this is just a trigger warning.

The recent thread about someone being contacted by her school bully was really long and I noticed a few people sympathising with the bully and at least one person admitting that they were bullies.

I suspect there probably were a few more people that bullied people but didn't admit it.

Name change if you must but I am just genuinely interested - if you were a bully, why did you do it?

Or if you're not a bully, feel free to give your reasons why you think they do it!

I wasn't a bully but I did ignore and enable bullying to save myself. In junior school, a girl was mercilessly bullied, mostly by boys, calling her mangy and smelly and none of the girls would play with her. I felt sorry for her and would sit next to her and talk to her but if anyone accused me of being friends with her I'd deny it. We went to different senior schools so I don't know if the bullying continued, but I bumped into her years later and she was really friendly but I still felt bad. Looking back I just wasn't confident enough to risk being another victim of the bullies.

I personally think if you are different in any way, people that bully use that as fuel to bully.

I have never been a bully, I was too quiet and shy as a kid, and right up until uni, but that made me bait for people that needed a “punching” bag.

In primary I was bullied, I was the new girl and tried to make friends with a group of 3, we were from the same continent but I was the only one that was from a different country and they constantly reminded me that I was different (even though we looked similar). The picked on me. One was a family friend and she was absolutely nice to me when we were with family, but horrible to be at school - and I think that the fact that they had eachother, egging eachother on, made it easier to bully - which is a common thread I have seen. They also had a ring leader. I didn’t want to play a game, and walked away,and I believed that made me a target; however when you do not have the willpower - whether that is due to self esteem, poor upbringing or just not having authority over your own thoughts - it’s so easy to go along with a ring leader - these people become enablers.

I went to the same secondary as 2 of those girls, and they didn’t bully me. Why - because their new ring leaders actually liked me - and so I felt sorry for them because they didn’t have a kind of their own.

The ring leader from primary school knocked on my door on the summer before we moved onto secondary school, she came to apologise after being mean to me for 6+ years. I closed the door on her face. She had absolutely no excuse. And it made me sick that she had zero reason for bulling me.

I know someone said that bullies arnt a group - but they have the ability to destroy someone’s lives. The number of young people taking their own lives because of a bully is alarming - and you really have zero excuse to be mean, unless someone attacks you first.

Something I teach my kids is do not, under any circumstance, do not be mean to anyone. Find your pack, because they will protect you. In secondary school there was a girl that hated me, for no reason, again , I was quiet and shy. She tried to be mean, but she was on her own. And the other girls in the class saw that she was being unreasonable.

So those people that enable bullies, you really have the power to diffuse a situation. I am so grateful for the popular kids that come into a situation whereby someone is being bullied, and stand up for them.

a long one - but bullying makes me mad.

Exactly x

I was a bully, and didn’t even realise it until recent years. Maybe within the last 5?

My bullying consisted of - with another girl - taunting someone who wanted to be our friend by inviting her to join us on the playground; then telling her to go away, as if she was bothering us. Her crime? She had ginger hair and we took the piss, even though this was in the early 80s when having ginger hair wasn’t a ‘thing’. We just hassled her because she was different. She ended up being far more beautiful than any of us, although I have to say this genuinely wasn’t why we singled her out. We had no idea she’d turn into such a swan.

Then there was a girl I just didn’t like, and because I was older and bigger I’d swagger around her giving her dirty looks and such. She’d never done a thing to me. I still don’t know why I didn’t like her but it could be classed as bullying.

And the worst. A very pretty, sweet girl who I did the old beckoning trick on, mostly when we were in class. The science classes where you could move around and talk to other pupils. I’d do it all the time and she would come over and I’d tell her to piss off. And I’d do it again and again and I think sometimes I’d make her cry. When I look back on this, it’s patently obvious I was jealous of her. She was clean, pretty, had nice clothes. I was the child of an abusive alkie mother who used to beat me up. This isn’t said to excuse but explain. I wanted this girl’s life and didn’t have it.

So in my case? My bullying was always about jealousy.

As I said. I didn’t even realise until recent years that I was a bully. I’m shamed by it now and I truly hope these other girls weren’t marked by it. I would never seek them out to give myself closure, though. They owe me nothing but contempt.

Thank you for being honest. I think this really gets to the heart of what motivates most bullies. It’s one reason “resolution” doesn’t work. What happened to you was frightening but it was a one off and you didn’t have to question why it happened to you. You got off lightly but I’m glad it had the intended effect. There is no magic key to stop a child from becoming the target of bullies however so I’m not sure you’ll be able to make sure your child isn’t bullied I’m afraid.

My dp bullied a boy in his class - they would walk the same route home and my dp would hurl insults at him. One day they ended up walking together and started chatting. Over time they ended up becoming best friends, and still are, and dp was his best man.

To give some background - my dp was having a terrible time at home. Abuse, unkempt clothes, lack of food. He was the kid who hated school holidays. His friend was the exact opposite - normal supportive family.

While you are engaging in mea culpa, why not just admit that you were nasty? Why the excuses and blaming home life? Take responsibility.

Yes, and ashamed of it. Everyone in my class picked on and made fun of one boy, because he was slow and uncoordinated. I think I was even worse tbh because I was friendly with him one on one but joined in with the rest of the class when they laughed at him. One day he wasn't in school and our tutor told us that he has cerebral palsy, and that's why he's so slow and uncoordinated. I think we were all ashamed right then, and the bullying (from our class anyway) stopped and I was friends with him until I moved away.

She does. But sorry to say a bad home life is an explanation. Same for people who commit crime - some of the stories of prisoners are horrific. Not everyone with a bad home life hurts others but some do. It’s a fact. Doesn’t mean they aren’t nasty etc but many probably wouldn’t have acted that way if they had a happy life.

This thread is basically nasty people excusing their nastiness by finding any excuse under the sun. Why not just own it, why blame home life, other people, your neighbours, the pets?

I also suspect they are not really sorry. Nasty people rarely change. They just joined the ‘be kind’ movement for the badge.

I've laughed along with things that I realise now, were said by bullies, and probably upset that person, though I have certainly never bullied someone directly. I've also been on the receiving end. I do forgive anyone who bullied me, though I probably couldn't have said that until my 40s.

So sad. I was bullied (never a bully) and it’s caused life long consequences. Please do not reach out to the bullied, go back into your cave and do penitence in other ways. while I’ve moved on I would NEVER forgive my bullies. May you experience that too one day so you know how damaging it is. Sorry I’m bitter

I'm pretty sure my bullies didn't have terrible home lives. One of them was a twin, and the other twin was not awful at all. They were vile from year 7-9, at which point we got set and I got away from them and got a protective cloak of other clever people. It was a shock because I hadn't been bullied in primary school at all- and suddenly I was being bullied for the thing that had always been celebrated about me- being clever. Reading books.

It was constant. Taking the piss every time I said something in class, low level sexual harassment, passing notes. If I told a teacher it got worse; they thought it was funny. I think they just enjoyed it. Now they probably would say it was just banter.

I've been thinking about it all lot lately as Dd has just started y7 and has some vulnerabilities. Interestingly at her urban schools they have in general been better for all types of diversity. My nephew went to the same rural secondary I did and the racist bullying was off the scale. I think there's something there about difference in insular environments that bullies seize on.

Eh? So she was an absolute horrible, nasty bully, and carried until one day someone bigger and harder scared her into doing it. She went home and cried because she knew she’d get as good as she was giving, not because she had some moment of enlightenment. And then proclaims in a really morally superior way that she would raise her child to not be a bully. What a bar to aim for.

Sorry but this would be funny if it wasn’t so offensive.

I think it’s not so much the bullies as others (with no particular experience of bullying) who are excusing it with banal platitudes.

As a former teacher I heard enough of this enabling rubbish on courses we were sent on and it bears no relation to the actual experience of bullying or being bullied.

i won’t pretend some of these confessions are an easy read but I thank the former bullies for their brutal honesty, which IS useful and which, interestingly, contradicts the ‘every bully is really a victim’ narrative which is so harmful and deeply hurtful.

What disabled children must go through is utterly heartbreaking. I’ve seen bullying of disabled children in action and it was very difficult to remain professional.

It is. She was going through it every day but didn't tell us for ages. She kept it hidden well and still went to school every day with a smile on her face.

It really is. I have no sympathy whatsoever for what kind of homelife or upbringing bullies may have that causes them to pick on other people. Making other people self harm, think they're worthless, or become suicidal because of what they are going through in their own lives doesn't excuse it and doesn't make it ok

@plantastic

Yes, it’s the constant nature of bullying, isn’t it? Day in, day out, knowing you face persecution, humiliation, ostracism and maybe physical attack.

Being nasty is never OK, but a one-off spat isn’t the same as bullying which can go on for years. As I’ve said upthread, my daughter suffered this and at age 30 I can say she’s been permanently affected by it.

I wish people were honest and brave enough to admit that some people are just nasty. They might be triggered into torturing others by difficult circumstances but not every unhappy child becomes a bully. There’s so much propaganda and brainwashing around. When I was teaching the narrative was that we could all potentially be bullies, and that bullies were equally victims and needed compassion.

What was it, then, in the lives of evil people in history, which caused their behaviour? Can we excuse Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot etc because their fathers might have beaten them. (I don’t even know if this is the case btw - they may have had lovely parents). Face the truth: some individuals are nasty and they’d bully whatever their circumstances.

I was for my first year in highschool. I was bullied in primary and other crap that I won’t bore you with, so when I started fresh I wanted to be the dick , rather than be the one people were dicks to. It only lasted a year as I moved schools and the dynamics were very different, plus I didn’t care anymore.

My daughter did that and when you find out what’s been going on, it’s devastating. We were called in by the teacher, for which I’m very grateful.

Ugh - it’s horrendous. These bullied children are so brave and stoic - it absolutely breaks your heart.

But for the victim “indirect” bullying can be as bad. The people who know it’s wrong but laugh anyway or are friends with the bully. Thats why it’s often a nuanced thing - sometimes it’s the whole class bullying one child even though only one person is the instigator. It’s also why I think there’s a difference between being targeted by a lone bully and when that bully has a crowd of people supporting them (or at least not standing up to them).

People tend to follow crowds and peer pressure is a real thing. Especially where being horrible to someone is legitimised in some way, people will really stick the boot in. Extreme examples are things like Nazi Germany where people who were otherwise fairly decent were given a target and told that it’s okay to be horrible to these people (including school children). It’s also visible with cancel culture - ie it’s okay to be horrible to this person because they are bad. Or kids raised by racist parents who are told that people of different races are bad so it’s okay to bully them. So even a lot of people who claim they would never bully will go along with the crowd and give the oxygen and support that the bully needs.

I agree that ‘resolution’ rarely works. Well-meaning adults are the last people on earth to understand what’s going on in a serious bullying scenario.

I’m absolutely not condoning what happened to saltandvinegar (being attacked and threatened with rape). That was appalling. But it’s not the same as sustained bullying over a long period of time. She endured a shocking one-off attack. She didn’t have to face daily torture at school. That’s on another level in terms of the longterm effects.

Didn’t stop my friends from bullying my classmates

People on here saying they were bullies and regret it.
No you don't.
What you regret is having to acknowledge that regardless your good education and career, nice dp and lovely dc, you have a nasty streak, you're different to nice people because most of us don't and haven't bullied others.
You're passing yourself off as a nice person everyday but someone somewhere knows different.

I was bullied and had to move school.
My nephew was bullied and at 33 still doesn't work.
Dd was bullied but she had a good form teacher who stopped it quickly.
My friends dd was bullied so badly she took an od and the 4 bullies parents were never informed as all the girls were high achievers and the school didn't want to disrupt their exams!