I pay for everything- need opinions please

[justagirloct]

I don't know what to do anymore, I have been with my partner for 5 years, prior to this I was living alone with my eldest 2 children. He moved in within a year but has never paid or contributed to any bills or household costs. I am self employed and work very hard, he was employed in a full time job when we met but he hated and worked long hours- he left a couple of years ago to persue a self employed career with my backing, I bought the equipment and even helped with jobs. This has now been 2 years but he isn't showing any drive or ambition whilst I am continuing to pay for everything, taking on more and more work to cover costs-on my days off I like to have family days or days out again which I have to pay for, I wouldn't mind but he never seems grateful or even like he really wants to be there.

He has recently taken an ad hoc job but it's very irregular and so far any money made has not contributed to anything other than spending money for himself. We have also gone on to have a child who is 18 months old so I also provide everything for him. I am so tired of this situation and question if he stays for the wrong reasons. He is a good man, he does jobs round the house but with all financial pressure and 3 children to support (I also do all the life admin of schools, doctors, clubs etc) I really am at breaking point and it's making me question if I love him anymore down to what feels like complete lack of respect. When I try to talk to him he appears to listen but does nothing to change. It's making me extremely down as it feels very one sided and he doesn't care about my wellbeing at all.

I desperately don't want to bring up my youngest son alone and want to make it work but resentment is building, most of the time he doesn't even seem to like me and to be honest I can see why as I've become more distant and snappy as I just never thought I'd put myself in this position.

I also recently downgraded the tv package to just basic (with Netflix and prime) but got rid of the extras and sport to save money. It's a daily demand now that we need to get the others back- something me or the kids aren't bothered about. I have said I'm not paying for it as I have plenty of other things that take priority but he's getting increasingly annoyed about it. I don't want to cause conflict but not do I want to have football on all the time that I have to pay for 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Can anyone offer any advice? I really don't know what to do anymore.

@justagirloct

I do love and care about him and a huge concern is he doesn't have anyone else. He lost his mother when he was about 22 and his dad hasn't been present as an adult (I know it looks like I'm making excuses). I know how it is and what type of person I must appear like. I guess I'm just hoping for change, I do fear he has depression and self esteem issues that don't help with the situation, but how can they when you aren't striving to do more/better??

Sorry to be blunt but none of this is your fault or your problem. He lost the right for you to concern yourself with any of this when he completely stepped back from any responsibility to support his child or partner.

You are not his psychiatrist, his mental health nurse or his social worker. You are trying to raise a family with him and he is doing nothing but taking from you and his (and your) children, draining you in every sense of the word.

It's very basic: if you want the benefits of a family life you have to contribute in some way. If he was a full time carer for your children it might be different but from what you've said he contributes nothing, mithers you for more all the time and then blames depression/self-esteem issues.

He's not going to change because he's been enabled by you for too long. In the mean time he's bleeding you dry, forcing you to do more to support the whole family and presenting an extremely poor role model for your children.

You clearly have very low self-esteem and at some level believe you "need" him. I can tell you with 100% certainty you don't: you sound capable and driven and you will thrive without him.

Stop wasting your time on him.

He is a good man

No, he's not. A good man is a partner- one who also provides for his children.

Is he really contributing anything other than stress?

No 'friend' treats someone the way he's treating you

And that's what you're showing your children - How To Be A Mug

Have a conversation that you shouldn't need to have

Nothing changes - out he goes

How would you describe yourself/the situation then?

You have Settled.

You are just waking up

You are making a huge mistake giving this freeloader another chance to price himself when he’s shown you already how little respect he has for you.

Whats the odds he’ll change short term just long enough to pretend he’s serious then some other disaster will befall him and he’ll go back to his cocklodging ways.

He moved in within a year but has never paid or contributed to any bills or household costs

I can’t get my head around this!
he saw you a mile off

Your 16:40 update makes everything even worse.

Well of course he moved in with you within a year, was it his idea? Just ask yourself this,,, what would have happened if you'd told him no living together for at least 5 years, would he have said,,, of course darling I love you so much I will wait for as long as you want, or would he have fucked off like shit off a stick looking for someone else to sponge off.

He's a cocklodger who is bringing nothing to the table.

Tell him it's time for him to move out, and that complaining about fucking Netflix when he contributes absolutely nothing is the last straw.

Yet having yet another child seemed a great idea

What on earth are getting out of this relationship more importantly why are your children having to put up with this?

Mate, you are the one who has self-esteem issues.

It is an insidious trope of film and literature, this idea that it's noble for women to "rescue" feckless men (always at the expense of their own freedom and prosperity). It's just another way to suppress women and make them responsible for the shit show that is male culture.

Ultimatum time - he has 1 month to get a full time job and he contributes 50% or he leaves. And do not budge.
Although honestly struggling to see what anyone could find attractive in a man who refuses to provide for his own child.

He needs to get a job and start contributing 50% towards everything or he goes! This nagging you about the TV package is ridiculous when. He contributes zero. You need to be firm with him. What exactly does he bring to your life apart from struggle? I would have turfed him out along time ago! The kids will pick up on the resentment.
Also the fact he doesn’t have anyone else is a him problem. Staying with him because you feel sorry for him isn’t helping anyone. You’re now in the mom zone! He is using you- plain and simple! He needs to experience the real world.

Does he understand household bills / running costs? Some people do struggle with being an adult if others have adulated for them...

Maybe you need to literally write it out on a spreadsheet with who pays for what in a column:

Car (petrol / tax / insurance) £150 per month: Julie
House (insurance / rent) £2,000 per month: Julie
Netflix £15 per month: Julie
Food £888 per month : Julie
Friday night take away £40 per month: John

And so on...

How's it going @justagirloct ?