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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I pay for everything- need opinions please

115 replies

justagirloct · 10/09/2025 13:57

I don't know what to do anymore, I have been with my partner for 5 years, prior to this I was living alone with my eldest 2 children. He moved in within a year but has never paid or contributed to any bills or household costs. I am self employed and work very hard, he was employed in a full time job when we met but he hated and worked long hours- he left a couple of years ago to persue a self employed career with my backing, I bought the equipment and even helped with jobs. This has now been 2 years but he isn't showing any drive or ambition whilst I am continuing to pay for everything, taking on more and more work to cover costs-on my days off I like to have family days or days out again which I have to pay for, I wouldn't mind but he never seems grateful or even like he really wants to be there.

He has recently taken an ad hoc job but it's very irregular and so far any money made has not contributed to anything other than spending money for himself. We have also gone on to have a child who is 18 months old so I also provide everything for him. I am so tired of this situation and question if he stays for the wrong reasons. He is a good man, he does jobs round the house but with all financial pressure and 3 children to support (I also do all the life admin of schools, doctors, clubs etc) I really am at breaking point and it's making me question if I love him anymore down to what feels like complete lack of respect. When I try to talk to him he appears to listen but does nothing to change. It's making me extremely down as it feels very one sided and he doesn't care about my wellbeing at all.

I desperately don't want to bring up my youngest son alone and want to make it work but resentment is building, most of the time he doesn't even seem to like me and to be honest I can see why as I've become more distant and snappy as I just never thought I'd put myself in this position.

I also recently downgraded the tv package to just basic (with Netflix and prime) but got rid of the extras and sport to save money. It's a daily demand now that we need to get the others back- something me or the kids aren't bothered about. I have said I'm not paying for it as I have plenty of other things that take priority but he's getting increasingly annoyed about it. I don't want to cause conflict but not do I want to have football on all the time that I have to pay for 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Can anyone offer any advice? I really don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
Duj · 10/09/2025 14:26

In the kindest way possible, what are you afraid of? Judging from your post you're already clearly an extremely competent, hard-working, dynamic individual who would be perfectly capable of raising children on your own. I can absolutely guarantee you that the additional work you envisage having by parenting solo will feel so much easier than bearing the weight of resenting a partner who isn't supporting you and contributing his fair share. You're already working all hours under the sun, it can't exactly get worse can it? What a great example to set your children to show them that their lovely mum has enough self-respect and belief in herself to go it alone rather than bringing them up in a household where their male role model clearly disrespects their mother and contributes nothing to the household while their poor mum is worked to the point of exhaustion just to provide the essentials. And because of what? Because she thinks she is somehow "less" without a romantic partner/co-parent? Nothing about your post makes you sound like anything less than an absolute warrior!

I PROMISE you, it will feel less stressful going solo. You do NOT need this man in your life.

If you really feel you must have a conversation first, then I would calmly sit him down and explain the current situation is untenable. You are exhausted and resent doing all this work only to scrape by when there is plenty more he could be doing to contribute financially and ease the pressure on you. Ask him what he plans to do about it. If he makes excuses - and I mean ANY kind of excuses or anything that isn't a resounding here's my plan of XYZ and proves that he will stick to it - then end the relationship. Your life will instantly become easier and more peaceful without the resentment caused by trying to spin plates for two people, I can assure you of that.

Itiswhysofew · 10/09/2025 14:27

Imagine a friend telling you this about their life. I'd say you'd be shocked and very concerned.

I'm afraid your partner is not being good, he's taking serious advantage of you, behaving in such an entitled way.

I'm not surprised your feelings are changing towards him. He does nothing and has nothing to offer, from what you're saying.

You must be mentally & physically exhaustedFlowers

LeftieRightsHoarder · 10/09/2025 14:28

weighinin · 10/09/2025 14:06

Sorry, if you have spoken to him and he doesn't change, then you need to accept he will never change.

You can clearly afford to live by yourself, and you are able to do everything by yourself as you already are, so free yourself from a life of resentment and tell him to leave.

Thank god you are not married.

I agree. He clearly has no conscience and no sense of responsibility towards his child, let alone yours, OP. He happily abuses your generosity and tolerance, and demands even more without any intention of paying his way. So why would he work when he can live comfortably off you? And why would he change?

Please get rid of him. You will be so much better off, not just financially, without him leeching off you. And importantly, your DC will learn women deserve respect.

Maray1967 · 10/09/2025 14:28

OP, get your self respect up off the floor and tell him it’s over. He has absolutely no shame. What kind of person brings nothing home but then demands TV streaming services? I nearly choked when I read that.

dodobedo · 10/09/2025 14:29

Are you so desperate for a man that you are prepared to continue living like this? If you're not desperate for a man then why don't you just break up wiith him?

Pleasealexa · 10/09/2025 14:34

Perhaps as a warning to others, you moved this man into your home during the rose tinted (honeymoon) phase. This is typically around 2 years so whilst the issues were likely to be there the happy hormones allowed you to disregard the red flags.

Having another child will have cemented his thoughts that you are fine with the set up.

How old is he? Where did he live before you? It would be good for your family unit if he started to behave like an adult but realistically it's unlikely. He will no doubt think he is a victim of your "unreasonable, moody" behaviour. He does sound more like a teenager than an adult male.

If he isn't supporting himself or paying into a pension will he expect you to bail him out in his old age?

Onthebusses · 10/09/2025 14:35

How much do you make self-employed? I make 900/m and get the rest from UC.

You won't raise your child alone. He will be involved, from a different house.

You can have time to work on your business and enjoy time with your child in your home without him there. You can work when your son is at his dad's.

It's a win win!

250mlmax · 10/09/2025 14:37

<COCKLODGER KLAXON>

He's a parasite. Get rid.

CatBooksWineInThatOrder · 10/09/2025 14:49

He’s not a good man.

Cyclebabble · 10/09/2025 14:50

Life throws curved balls at us all, but generally I would never suggest anyone has a relationship with someone who contributes much less to the relationship than they do. OP this is your situation. Sky Sports are indeed expensive, but that amounts to c 60 quid a month or so. And he does not even feel embarrassed about not finding the cash for this? Mmmm

Comedycook · 10/09/2025 14:51

He is a good man

What I suspect you mean is he's not actively nasty ...but no, he doesn't sound like a good man to me.

Summershutdown · 10/09/2025 14:59

Of course he won't leave... why would he!! He's got it made!!

You need to get rid, I know you say you don't want to be a single parent but what is he contributing to your life? Financially or otherwise?

pecanpie101 · 10/09/2025 15:01

He's not a good man. No respectable person who treat their partner like that.
Please leave him. You and your children deserve so much more.

DavidKeanu · 10/09/2025 15:02

Jaysus. You're asking for opinions, so...

This post has made me feel so depressed. How could you, a capable woman who has a successful business of her own and is raising three children, possibly have got into this situation? I fear you have incredibly low self esteem, maybe a history of people walking all over you, or perhaps you're afraid of him? Or more likely afraid of being on your own I think.

I view what he's doing as basically criminal. BTW he is NOT a good man and he is NOT a good father. He is taking advantage of you and the fact that you fear the relationship breaking up. In other words he is taking the absolute fucking piss. And he will continue to. You need to throw him out. Don't believe a word he says about things changing going forward. It won't happen. He needs to go. Use the money you save on him for some expensive psychotherapy to work out why the hell this ever happened in the first place. Do not take him back. Ever ever ever. He's a piece of shit.

Autumnleaves73 · 10/09/2025 15:03

Your obviously a very clever woman to be running your own business, standing on your own two feet financially.. managing everything for the house and children.
Yet you appear to have a leach
I'd definitely cut him loose .. hopefully he won't have a claim on your house

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/09/2025 15:04

Is he doing the day-to-day care of the 18 mo?

BeltaLodaLife · 10/09/2025 15:05

What made you so desperate for a man?

Seriously. Self respect. Get some. Why are you with this guy? Why are you modelling this behaviour for your kids? Kick him out.

FangFan · 10/09/2025 15:07

You have been played OP.
He moved in with you, got you pregnant then left his job to become “self employed” once you were trapped and now he’s sponging off you.
Get rid, he’s a waste of skin.

Mum2twoandacockapoo · 10/09/2025 15:09

You’re scared of being a single mum yet you’re already a single mum but with a 4th child . One having a tantrum over not being able to watch his tv programmes .

cut the apron strings and let him go back to his other Mummy .

Thingyfanding · 10/09/2025 15:12

freeloading cocklodger - not a good man

DavidKeanu · 10/09/2025 15:13

Sorry OP I've already commented but even thinking about this situation makes me feel so fucking angry. Don't continue to accept, put up with or downplay this state of affairs. You only get one life.

Ellie56 · 10/09/2025 15:16

Wow he saw you coming didn't he?

He is not a good man. He is a lazy useless feckless freeloading twat.

This is no way to live and he is a terrible role model for your kids. Do you really want them to grow up thinking men treat women like shit and women's role in life is to pander to them?

You can do better than this so get a grip and chuck him out. Show your kids that strong women don't put up with this.

luckylavender · 10/09/2025 15:20

Kick him out. Terrible example for your children.

PinkyFlamingo · 10/09/2025 15:22

Not really sure why you are actually putting up with this, never mind having a child with him. He's not a good man at all.

SassyPearlEagle · 10/09/2025 15:22

I voted YABU because I can't believe you put up with this crap for so long. Stop being a doormat.

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