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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I pay for everything- need opinions please

115 replies

justagirloct · 10/09/2025 13:57

I don't know what to do anymore, I have been with my partner for 5 years, prior to this I was living alone with my eldest 2 children. He moved in within a year but has never paid or contributed to any bills or household costs. I am self employed and work very hard, he was employed in a full time job when we met but he hated and worked long hours- he left a couple of years ago to persue a self employed career with my backing, I bought the equipment and even helped with jobs. This has now been 2 years but he isn't showing any drive or ambition whilst I am continuing to pay for everything, taking on more and more work to cover costs-on my days off I like to have family days or days out again which I have to pay for, I wouldn't mind but he never seems grateful or even like he really wants to be there.

He has recently taken an ad hoc job but it's very irregular and so far any money made has not contributed to anything other than spending money for himself. We have also gone on to have a child who is 18 months old so I also provide everything for him. I am so tired of this situation and question if he stays for the wrong reasons. He is a good man, he does jobs round the house but with all financial pressure and 3 children to support (I also do all the life admin of schools, doctors, clubs etc) I really am at breaking point and it's making me question if I love him anymore down to what feels like complete lack of respect. When I try to talk to him he appears to listen but does nothing to change. It's making me extremely down as it feels very one sided and he doesn't care about my wellbeing at all.

I desperately don't want to bring up my youngest son alone and want to make it work but resentment is building, most of the time he doesn't even seem to like me and to be honest I can see why as I've become more distant and snappy as I just never thought I'd put myself in this position.

I also recently downgraded the tv package to just basic (with Netflix and prime) but got rid of the extras and sport to save money. It's a daily demand now that we need to get the others back- something me or the kids aren't bothered about. I have said I'm not paying for it as I have plenty of other things that take priority but he's getting increasingly annoyed about it. I don't want to cause conflict but not do I want to have football on all the time that I have to pay for 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Can anyone offer any advice? I really don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
Suusue · 10/09/2025 15:25

Kick him out. Hes a sponger. Grown unworking man bleating on about getting more TV channels ! Get rid. Sorry to be so blunt.

Original poster
justagirloct · 10/09/2025 15:26

Thank you for all your comments- I know how it reads and I would think the same so all understandable.
Its not financially (obviously) that I haven't asked him to leave. I do love and care about him and a huge concern is he doesn't have anyone else. He lost his mother when he was about 22 and his dad hasn't been present as an adult (I know it looks like I'm making excuses). I know how it is and what type of person I must appear like. I guess I'm just hoping for change, I do fear he has depression and self esteem issues that don't help with the situation, but how can they when you aren't striving to do more/better?? It's just the mindset I cannot understand.

yes I can and raise the children by myself- that I know 100% it's just the backwards and forwards I've had to see my elder two go through is something I really want to avoid. In general it's not an unhappy relationship, we are good friends etc.

OP posts:
UninitendedShark · 10/09/2025 15:31

There really is only one course of action here, tell him he needs to start contributing equally or move out.

StopGo · 10/09/2025 15:33

You think you are his rescuer but you’re not. You are his enabler. Why would he lift a finger when you finance his lifestyle. Put the children and you first - kick him out.

AmoozzBoosh · 10/09/2025 15:34

You can't fix him, it's not your responsibility to and if you keep waiting for him to have an epiphany then you'll be waiting a long time.

Frogs88 · 10/09/2025 15:34

He’s not a good man. You’ve told him that you can’t afford to pay for his entertainment extras and instead of realising that you are having financial difficulties and he is providing nothing he’s getting angry at you because he expects you to provide everything. You are wasting money on him that should be going on you and your children.

DancingFerret · 10/09/2025 15:35

justagirloct · 10/09/2025 15:26

Thank you for all your comments- I know how it reads and I would think the same so all understandable.
Its not financially (obviously) that I haven't asked him to leave. I do love and care about him and a huge concern is he doesn't have anyone else. He lost his mother when he was about 22 and his dad hasn't been present as an adult (I know it looks like I'm making excuses). I know how it is and what type of person I must appear like. I guess I'm just hoping for change, I do fear he has depression and self esteem issues that don't help with the situation, but how can they when you aren't striving to do more/better?? It's just the mindset I cannot understand.

yes I can and raise the children by myself- that I know 100% it's just the backwards and forwards I've had to see my elder two go through is something I really want to avoid. In general it's not an unhappy relationship, we are good friends etc.

You do sound like an enabler; without you, he would need to be self-responsible.

You don't sound as if you're ready to end the relationship yet, but the fact you're questioning his financial dependence on you indicates you're at the start of a downward trajectory. The situation will irk you the more it drags on.

Cyclebabble · 10/09/2025 15:35

One useful way of thinking about this, is to reverse the scenario. If you had wanted to set up your business and he was the earner, genuinely do you think he would do the same for you? Is this a two way relationship or one way? I think you know the answer.

BeltaLodaLife · 10/09/2025 15:35

justagirloct · 10/09/2025 15:26

Thank you for all your comments- I know how it reads and I would think the same so all understandable.
Its not financially (obviously) that I haven't asked him to leave. I do love and care about him and a huge concern is he doesn't have anyone else. He lost his mother when he was about 22 and his dad hasn't been present as an adult (I know it looks like I'm making excuses). I know how it is and what type of person I must appear like. I guess I'm just hoping for change, I do fear he has depression and self esteem issues that don't help with the situation, but how can they when you aren't striving to do more/better?? It's just the mindset I cannot understand.

yes I can and raise the children by myself- that I know 100% it's just the backwards and forwards I've had to see my elder two go through is something I really want to avoid. In general it's not an unhappy relationship, we are good friends etc.

Right… it’s not an unhappy relationship… because you’re doing everything he wants. The one thing you’ve put your foot down over, the TV subscriptions, has caused him to have temper tantrums and get increasingly annoyed about it.

What if you stopped funding other things he wants because the financial strain is too much for you? What if you hand him more parenting responsibilities and housework responsibilities since he doesn’t actually properly work. Would that cause more bad temper and increase annoyance for him? Would it still be a happy relationship?

This isn’t a happy relationship. It’s him using you, and being pleasant as long as he gets what he wants and you do most of the admin and wife work.

Fluffyholeysocks · 10/09/2025 15:39

He's not a 'good man'. He's not a good role model to your son. You have a man child who throws a tantrum when you take away the TV subscription. You say he's a 'good friend', why not ask him to move out and become 'a good friend' who can support himself financially?

TwistedWonder · 10/09/2025 15:40

StopGo · 10/09/2025 15:33

You think you are his rescuer but you’re not. You are his enabler. Why would he lift a finger when you finance his lifestyle. Put the children and you first - kick him out.

100% agree. You’re not his nurse with a purse and you’re not rehabilitation centre for a man with issues.

You're throwing money at a cocklodger that should be for your DC - put them first and stop making excuses for a grown man.

It’s not an unhappy relationship you say but is it a joyful one that makes you smile every day? And of course he’s happy, he’s trained you to twist yourself into a pretzel to pander to his every whim and bankroll him living the life of Riley. You’re teaching your DC that it’s acceptable for an adult man to sit on his lazy arse sponging off of a woman. Is that the example you’re happy setting?

Praying4Peace · 10/09/2025 15:46

Moonnstars · 10/09/2025 14:06

Sorry but things aren't going to change. Why haven't you asked him to contribute sooner? He should have been paying towards the bills. Does he even support the child he has with you?
I think you would be better without him as he is just an additional burden rather than a partner.

This
OP, you clearly have conflicting emotions but his behaviour and lack of any ownership for financial /family matters have become the norm.
This cannot continue and a very frank conversation needs to be had.
As painful as it is, if it doesn't change, you will need to say goodbye.
This situation is costing you in every way and being resentful is corrosive.
Sending you strength

Suednymph · 10/09/2025 15:48

It is another child you have not a partner. I would not give a shite about who he has or has not got, he needs to get a job and help out or leave.

cramptramp · 10/09/2025 15:52

Sponger. Get rid.

amber763 · 10/09/2025 15:55

Have you raised finances with him? Self employed isn't working out and neither is this ad hoc job if it's not bringing in enough to contribute to.the household.

Nothing will change if you dont talk to him and tell him how you feel Why would it? He's living the life of Riley while.you bankroll him and put a roof over his head.

Plenty of Christmas jobs coming up. Give him till the start of December then honestly you're a fool to let him continue to just live off of you like he's doing. He's a grown man and I really feel like he can't possibly love you if he's happy to watch you graft while he does fuck all.

PiggyPigalle · 10/09/2025 15:58

As you want him there helping to raise your youngest, and a fine example he will set, you will have to pay for him.
When he's bled you dry, your child is at Uni and the leech has shacked up with a younger, richer version of you, you'll wish that 10/09/2025 was the day you chucked him out.

DaisyChain505 · 10/09/2025 15:59

You need to get some self respect, raise your bar on how you think a relationship should work between two people and ditch this absolutely pathetic loser.

Hoppinggreen · 10/09/2025 16:02

Why is he a "good Man" exactly?

Hankunamatata · 10/09/2025 16:04

Stop enabling him
Stop making excuses for him
Give him a deadline to get a job with regular income and he neds to leave

HAF1119 · 10/09/2025 16:05

Sorry but throw this one away. Know it’s not easy with a child involved but he doesn’t appreciate you. That alone would be enough to say bye for me

REDB99 · 10/09/2025 16:07

Yep he’s a cock lodger, no man moves in that quickly with a woman who has kids unless he needs a place to live and can free load. I’d be kicking him out, you can clearly manage without him.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 10/09/2025 16:09

Sounds like he hit the jackpot, no incentive to work or try harder.

workshy46 · 10/09/2025 16:12

What were you thinking .. seriously I can’t fathom any of this and to have a child with him. Get rid of him if you have an ounce of self respect yet. He’s a complete and utter user and loser

Mumptynumpty · 10/09/2025 16:17

I've said this before. You don't love him. You love a filtered version of him you have created in your head. You are projecting your idea of a good man onto him.

A good partner does not take without giving more in return.

He won't change. He has no need to. You are buying this relationship and good partners can't be bought.

Have a trial of the next four weeks. Say no. A lot. Have high expectations. A lot. Fill not a single gap. No cleaning, shopping, treats, or anything. Then see where your sulky, entitled partner is when you stop being the sugar daddy.

TwistedWonder · 10/09/2025 16:17

REDB99 · 10/09/2025 16:07

Yep he’s a cock lodger, no man moves in that quickly with a woman who has kids unless he needs a place to live and can free load. I’d be kicking him out, you can clearly manage without him.

Agree. No one falls in love as quickly as a man who wants a roof over his head. They have an ability to sniff out the women who will accept their freeloading - they know what they’re doing.

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