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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I pay for everything- need opinions please

115 replies

justagirloct · 10/09/2025 13:57

I don't know what to do anymore, I have been with my partner for 5 years, prior to this I was living alone with my eldest 2 children. He moved in within a year but has never paid or contributed to any bills or household costs. I am self employed and work very hard, he was employed in a full time job when we met but he hated and worked long hours- he left a couple of years ago to persue a self employed career with my backing, I bought the equipment and even helped with jobs. This has now been 2 years but he isn't showing any drive or ambition whilst I am continuing to pay for everything, taking on more and more work to cover costs-on my days off I like to have family days or days out again which I have to pay for, I wouldn't mind but he never seems grateful or even like he really wants to be there.

He has recently taken an ad hoc job but it's very irregular and so far any money made has not contributed to anything other than spending money for himself. We have also gone on to have a child who is 18 months old so I also provide everything for him. I am so tired of this situation and question if he stays for the wrong reasons. He is a good man, he does jobs round the house but with all financial pressure and 3 children to support (I also do all the life admin of schools, doctors, clubs etc) I really am at breaking point and it's making me question if I love him anymore down to what feels like complete lack of respect. When I try to talk to him he appears to listen but does nothing to change. It's making me extremely down as it feels very one sided and he doesn't care about my wellbeing at all.

I desperately don't want to bring up my youngest son alone and want to make it work but resentment is building, most of the time he doesn't even seem to like me and to be honest I can see why as I've become more distant and snappy as I just never thought I'd put myself in this position.

I also recently downgraded the tv package to just basic (with Netflix and prime) but got rid of the extras and sport to save money. It's a daily demand now that we need to get the others back- something me or the kids aren't bothered about. I have said I'm not paying for it as I have plenty of other things that take priority but he's getting increasingly annoyed about it. I don't want to cause conflict but not do I want to have football on all the time that I have to pay for 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Can anyone offer any advice? I really don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
ThisOldThang · 10/09/2025 16:19

Is it fair to say that he's a SAHP? Is this something that's developed/continued from him looking after the kids and you working?

Bumblebee72 · 10/09/2025 16:19

He's not a good man if he doesn't even try to contribute anything. It's such a shame you've had a child with the cocklodger before you could realise and kick him out.

mylittlekomododragon · 10/09/2025 16:21

Well your excuses show you’re not going to kick him out, so you’re stuck with the cocklodging freeloader. What a sorry excuse for a man.

yeesh · 10/09/2025 16:22

Total madness to live like this. I think Netflix is the least of your problems tbh but just tell him that if he wants it he should pay for it. Lazy bastard. He’s not a good man by the way, he’s a millstone around your neck dragging you down.

ThejoyofNC · 10/09/2025 16:23

OP something made you post this so I'm wondering what you're hoping to get? You knew what people would say so do you think you just needed to hear it with a bit of MN brutal honesty?

Do you want practical advice or just assurance that you're doing the right thing if you kick him out?

I understand you're sad about the situation with your baby but unfortunately you did walk into this one with your eyes open as he was the same before and after. The only thing you can do now is control the examples and influences you allow them to grow up around.

Birdy1982 · 10/09/2025 16:24

It doesn’t sound like a relationship
It sounds as though you have an extra teenager in the house

FOJN · 10/09/2025 16:31

You've been financially supporting a man for 4 years, had a baby with him and are surprised that he's showing no inclination to make any financial contribution to either the household or expenses for his child?

You have exactly the life you chose. You can choose a different one anytime you like. You will have to stop assuming you are responsible for housing and funding a cock lodger first though. I appreciate this sounds harsh but for the love of god grow a back bone and find some self respect. The only way to fix this is to show the freeloader the door. It's your choice.

Original poster
justagirloct · 10/09/2025 16:40

I'm hearing you all loud and clear. Please don't see my as a victim or stupid I really am neither I completely see I have done nothing but 'enable'. To be honest I wrote it as I am tired of having the internal feelings and wanted to read it back it black and white for clarity.
I am going to set a timeframe for complete change- I have never 'settled' before and won't allow myself to now. As for having a child with him, that I don't regret, he is the best thing ever and knowing I can decently raise children alone does not bother me. I think my kindness is just being taken for weakness and that is something I will not stand for.

Oh and to anger you all a little, last time we had a heated argument about all the above, he called me a narcissist...

Also to clarify he is not a stay at home dad- I do the majority of childcare also and the 2 days that I do the bulk of my work my youngest son goes to my parents.

OP posts:
EveryDayisFriday · 10/09/2025 16:42

Urgh, I hate the tales of cocklodgers. Do yourself a favour OP, have some dignity and move on from him.

InBedBy10 · 10/09/2025 16:43

Stop making excuses for him - he has no one, he might be depressed, he has self esteem issues 🙄

What about you? You're drowning emotionally and financially and he couldn't care less. If you and the kids are all he has, why isn't he cherishing you? Because he doesnt care about you, that's why. This grown man is not your responsibility.

You really need to work on your self esteem OP. The first big mistake you made was letting him move in without discussing rent/bills etc. This man has no respect for you.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/09/2025 16:46

Stop being a complete mug and chuck him out. In future don't let a man move in and don't pay for anything of his. It just leads to them treating you like dirt.
A decent man will pay his own way.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 10/09/2025 16:49

He contributes or goes!

DaisyChain505 · 10/09/2025 16:49

This relationship isn’t going to change or get better.

He has zero respect for you.

No decent person would move into someone’s home when they’re already trying to raise two children and not pay their way let alone when they then go on to produce another child with that person.

If he can’t show you respect, have some for yourself and end this.

MarxistMags · 10/09/2025 16:51

Make a list. Write down all your spending.
Then on a fresh sheet of paper write down all his spending.
Discuss calmly and see if you can reach an agreement about sharing expenses going forward.

Vaxtable · 10/09/2025 16:54

He’s no example to your child, and isn’t going to change

Better you split and the child learns crap behaviour isn’t rewarded by being a CF and being allowed to get away with it

ThejoyofNC · 10/09/2025 17:01

Your son goes to his grandparents 2 days a week while his dad sits on his arse at home crying to have an expensive football package put back on the TV?

You're wasting your time with ultimatums. He's pure bone idol and lazy right down to his core. He might make a few changes when he gets scared he's going to lose his cushy life, but it won't last. You'll live in a constant repeating cycle.

Pleasealexa · 10/09/2025 17:01

he called me a narcissist

Red flag alert...that is not neutral term and unless he apologised I think you could have issues getting him to leave. If you are a narcissist then he sees himself as a victim.

beAsensible1 · 10/09/2025 17:02

next time he goes out change the locks and leave his bags outside.

AngelaRaynersHair · 10/09/2025 17:03

You say you worry about the impact of splitting up in your eldest children. I get that but honestly, you should be more worried about the impact on them of staying together. I’m not sure if you have boys or girls but the pair of you are role-modelling adult relationships for them, and this is what they see everyday and what they’ll copy when they go on to have relationships. So think twice. They will be FAR better prepared for life by having a strong, capable, loving, happy single mum than this messed up scenario.

newfriend05 · 10/09/2025 17:04

HouseNovice1 · 10/09/2025 13:59

You had a child with a cocklodger

what happens when you tell him he needs to contribute more?

no helpful advice, other than I’d have kicked him out a long time ago

Edited

This … it’s only going to get worse

Sidebeforeself · 10/09/2025 17:04

You dont need to understand his mindset. You need to kick him out and stop exposing your kids to this shit.

WhatAboutTheOtherOne · 10/09/2025 17:12

He sounds la y but you’ve really made life easy for him. It’s gone beyond you being ‘nice’ you’ve been a mug.

MrsJPBP · 10/09/2025 17:20

This is just outrageous, OP! I think you need to find your anger actually. What does he bring to the table of your relationship? Some odd jobs and he’s quite pleasant?? You could pay a polite handyman to do that and it would probably be a hell of a lot cheaper!!

He clearly has no respect for himself or for you. Why should he change, he’s absolutely got it made! There is only one course of action. You sit him down and spell it out. Either he contributes 50:50 by the end of October (and show him the bills and how much this equates to) or he fucks off immediately. Nothing else is your problem. I’d have the proper ick!

Namechangedagain999 · 10/09/2025 17:20

Did you post this fairly recently? Definitely kick him out.

Pezdeoro41 · 10/09/2025 17:25

As a wise friend once said to me, it's supposed to be a relationship, not a rescue mission.