AIBU for not wanting my DH sister in my house?

[GoldenGirl85]

When I married DH, I moved into his house. Our marriage was quite turbulent in the early days, and one of the issues was that DH would share every detail of our relationship with his mum and sisters. While I understand supporting your family, I found their behaviour disgraceful and they often made things worse. It caused a lot of problems and made me feel like I had no safe space within my own marriage.

A few months later we had a baby. Once DH went back to work, I thought his sister was being kind by coming over to help me with the baby. However, I soon realised she wasn’t just “helping” – she was spying. She would twist things I said and report back to DH. For example, if I joked that “your brother loves attention,” she’d go back and say I’d called him an “attention seeker.” It completely eroded my trust and left me feeling exposed in my own home. It was also bizarre to me as I could never imagine doing something like this to my sister in laws.

Because of this, I don’t want her in my house ever again. We’re moving to a bigger place soon, which will naturally mean more entertaining space, but I still don’t want her (or, if I’m honest, his mum and other sisters either) coming over.

DH knows how I feel, he refuses to understand why I dislike his sister, he says that I shouldn’t have gotten comfortable around her and said things that she could spin because his family’.

It’s going to be awkward when we move. AIBU to draw this line, or do I need to just suck it up for the sake of family harmony?

It's HIS house too so no you have no right to ban her - or anyone he wants to visit HIS home!

You don't have to be there of course - you can go elsewhere when she visits.

I actually think she does. He can equally see his sister elsewhere. Why would he want someone in his house that has been such a back stabbing bitch to his life partner??

Why so you thinl you have the right to dictwhqt he does in his equal house, imagine if a man said to a woman 'i forbid your sibling being here' he would be called controlling

I'd love to hear her side of the story. It sounds like you don't like her and you're looking for an excuse to keep her away from your husband.

If my siblings partner made backhand remarks about my sibling, I wouldn't be happy. You shouldn't be surprised that she tells him about your comments.

YABU. You don't get to dictate to your dh about having his family in his house. If you dislike the sister so much, go out when she visits.

Go out when they come over.

You all sound very dramatic and exhausting. Just move on or quietly go out when she visits without all the theatrics.

Stop maintaining everything and controlling your husband

Exactly this.

Its controlling saying you don't want his family round. Its his house too.

Fair enough not being expected to host them without him but to say they can't come round is wrong.

@PollyBellwell if one of my siblings did what his did then he could rightfully say that he doesn’t want them in the house and I would have to accept it.

@B1anche you’re right, I don’t like her. My DH is free to see her whenever he likes. She lives 15 minutes away. I just don’t want someone that spies and gossips about the ongoings of my household coming to my house.

Well me and my sister in laws have great relationships and I am emotionally intelligent enough to know my brothers aren’t perfect human beings so when they rant, I provide them with a safe space to vent. I don’t run to my brothers or to my mother to report back as I don’t want to cause issues in their relationships.

So, your early marriage was full of fighting and he told his family everything you did… you then decided to have a baby really quickly despite this really shitty sounding marriage?? And then his family started “spying” on you… what did he do? When his sister told him stuff that was clearly twisted, what did he do? Did he defend you, or tell her to wind her neck in or did he come home and fight with you?

You just don’t sound like you’re a good fit. A marriage, especially early days, should not be dramatic and full of fights and telling on each other to family, and you shouldn’t have had a baby under those circumstances.

It’s done now, but you’re clearly not happy about how things happened early on, neither of you seem to have each other’s backs and he would rather put his family first despite the past behaviour… we don’t know what you did or what he was telling them about you but no one is ever innocent so I’ll assume you were behaving badly as well and he isn’t over that either. I think you should go to couple’s counselling, and properly work through everything from the early days so you can go forward on the same page, understanding each other and being on each other’s side.

Barely married
new born baby
And all this drama and turbulence
The root of the issue is an unhappy marriage

I would agree with this. In my relationship, I am the one with an absolute bitch of a sister.

She's abusive nasty and has said, disgraceful things about my partner.

I won't go into it because this isn't my thread, and I don't want to derail it, but she doesn't have a sisterinlaw problem.She has a husband problem.

I won't speak to my sister again.Let alone have her in the home.

He should be standing up for his wife.The sister is a red herring here.The husband is the problem.

Edit i worried about the impact on my partner in all of this.Because equally he could find somebody else who has a much less complicated family. I made it something he didn't have to deal with.

In this situation, though the husband is causing it an inviting it in.He's not standing up for his wife.

I'm struggling to see why you are getting such a hard time OP.

When he married you then your marriage should have become his primary relationship. And he was out of order sharing all the details of your marriage with his mother and sister. It sounds as though they are still more important to him than you and thats not how marriage is supposed to work.
If you are moving into a new home then you will presumably have joint rights in it.
I would certainly not invite his sister there. But of course you can't stop him Inviting her. If he does ask her over Iwould be busy doing something else or I would go out.

Does he take any responsibility for criticising you to his family in the early days and creating such an unfortunate antagonistic dynamic between you and his family?

I wouldn’t have them over without him there. ie no coming round at 11am to see baby. Only weekends or weekdays at 6pm when daddy is home if he wants to see his sister.

Always behave as though hes there (even if he’s in the loo for a minute) so you dont say anything youu wouldn’t want him to hear.

And feel free to go out and give them time alone in the guise of doing it for them sometimes. “No darling Im happy to pop out I know you’re close to your sister so I will just pop out and let you two have quality time”

This. No more having her come round to help with baby. Say to DH she can come round when he's there but he'll need to arrange that with her. All the above is good advice.

Can't help feeling that you have a DH problem..

He won’t see it like that. When his marriage was ‘turbulent’, his sister supported him and was on ‘his side’.

Unfortunately, when family get involved in other people’s relationships/marriages, these issues will inevitably arise once the seas have calmed and everything is back on track.
There’s nothing OP can do about it without being unreasonably controlling. His family is his family.

He doesn't sound particularly nice tbh. How do you know he wasn't using his sister as a 'flying monkey'? It all sounds toxic.

If he felt positive about you, why would he believe what his sister said when she incorrectly reported what you'd supposedly said? Instead of telling her he didn't want to hear it, he seems to have fed into her behaviour. This coupled with your early marriage being awful and having a baby so quickly, seems like red flags.

Are you Asian by any chance? Have had similar problems with my sis in law! Shes awful and twists everything I say.

Just don’t give her anything to gossip about. Complete grey rock, no drama. Tell her nothing personal and keep her at arms length.

Your relationship sounds toxic. Why are you and your DH so hell-bent on bad-mouthing each other to all and sundry? If you can’t get along then separate, but you really have to stop dragging each other publicly through the mud. Resolving your issues with each other is a much higher priority than whether you see his sister or not. FWIW, I don't think she's done anything wrong by letting him know you're unhappy with him, I would expect my family or DH's family to tell me if DH was running round bitching about me - but I also know he just wouldn't.

@AnneLovesGilbert yes he does somewhat but he doesn’t quite appreciate the long term impact so wants to sweep it all under the rug.

@Fedup0707ha! Yes I am. I probably should have added that as a lot of comments don’t really work in our culture that is very family - obsessed and doesn’t understand overbearing family culture. Because we marry into families, we don’t just marry the individual.

@AnonymouseposterYep, very good point. ATM I’m being civil but will definitely never get comfortable around them again.