AIBU for not wanting my DH sister in my house?

[GoldenGirl85]

When I married DH, I moved into his house. Our marriage was quite turbulent in the early days, and one of the issues was that DH would share every detail of our relationship with his mum and sisters. While I understand supporting your family, I found their behaviour disgraceful and they often made things worse. It caused a lot of problems and made me feel like I had no safe space within my own marriage.

A few months later we had a baby. Once DH went back to work, I thought his sister was being kind by coming over to help me with the baby. However, I soon realised she wasn’t just “helping” – she was spying. She would twist things I said and report back to DH. For example, if I joked that “your brother loves attention,” she’d go back and say I’d called him an “attention seeker.” It completely eroded my trust and left me feeling exposed in my own home. It was also bizarre to me as I could never imagine doing something like this to my sister in laws.

Because of this, I don’t want her in my house ever again. We’re moving to a bigger place soon, which will naturally mean more entertaining space, but I still don’t want her (or, if I’m honest, his mum and other sisters either) coming over.

DH knows how I feel, he refuses to understand why I dislike his sister, he says that I shouldn’t have gotten comfortable around her and said things that she could spin because his family’.

It’s going to be awkward when we move. AIBU to draw this line, or do I need to just suck it up for the sake of family harmony?

This all sounds very unhappy and toxic, from the very beginning. You mention your 'culture' a few times in your replies, was this an arranged marriage? I think you need to keep going to therapy to work out these issues.

I feel for you OP, you were casually chatting to your sil being nice and friendly and then she turns your comments around to make you out to be the enemy and your not being a good wife to her darling B. I was in your shoes, i was thinking my sil was nice but she let all her jealousy spill out one night when she was drunk when there was only the 2 of us, i dont drink. Some people hide theit toxicity well. Im sure you will work it out, your DH knows what she is really like. I went NC, i worked too hard to find my peace

You BOTH should be comfortable who comes into your home. Home should be a sanctuary and if she’s a dangerous character then you’re not being UNREASONABLE. If one isn’t happy and it can’t be resolved then see the relatives outside the home, that goes for anyone your husband isn’t happy to have at your home too. Your husband needs to shut this down

I agree with @TalulahJP’s advice. Don’t spend any time alone with her from now on, no more visits when your DH is out.

I’m glad that you’re moving, presumably your new home will be jointly owned so no longer HIS house.

Shit stirrers are shit stirrers, she’s unlikely to.change. But you don’t have to be close to her, keep your distance.

This.

Polite only. Never welcoming or friendly. If you have no option other than to be in her / their company, grey rock other than the civility you'd show to strangers.

And I'd avoid them as much as I could. Arrange to be out. Don't answer the door to them if he isn't there. Never text them or call them. Don't have them on social media.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. She FAFO.

I've been there with in-laws. Won't ever go there again.

And if she turns up when he's at home, unexpectedly, I'd develop a headache and need to lie down.

@GoldenGirl85 Get a Ring doorbell or something similar for your new home so if she turns up, you’re home alone and don’t want to see her, you can pretend to be out. 😈

It’s not your (singular) house, it’s your (plural) house. Stop being so controlling and you don’t get to veto his family coming over.

No one is saying you have to be there as well, or have them there when your husband is not present, ofc.

Have you seen the way they've treated her.

I can't believe this attitude.

People who insult her or talk behind her back do not get to enter her home. He can go and see his family elsewhere

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to not want her in your new home but I don’t think you can really demand it if your DH wants to invite her over. You can, however, completely refuse to facilitate it. Don’t host her. Don’t let her in if she comes round when your DH isn’t there (even if she’s with your MiL or other family. Go out if she comes round when your DH is there.

Personally, I wouldn’t try to freeze her out of large, family gatherings. I think that likely provides her with ammunition more than it protects you from her. I’d just be civil verging on cold in those circumstances and I would be honest but low key on why if someone tried to pull me up.

One technique I think is really worth perfecting if you have batshit family is medium chill.

But I’m not from an Asian culture so you need to run this through your own sanity check for whether you think it would work in your circumstances. To be effective, it requires you keeping your own emotional response to her in check. There’s no point cutting her out if you ruminate over her and go on about her.

I completely understand where you’re coming from.
The real problem is your husband he It’s not standing up for you, and this is going to make for a very unhappy marriage.

Blimey you sound like hard work

@GiveDogBone Exactly. She shouldn’t prevent her DH from seeing his sister, but she doesn’t need to socialize individually with her if she doesn’t wish to.

@GoldenGirl85

I’ve read all your posts, and I’m saddened by some of the replies on here…

I’d also suspected you may be Asian, which makes sense in the context.

I’m glad your husband and you are in a better place, and I’m glad he’s acknowledging at least some of what’s going on.

I think the suggestions of keeping it neutral, nothing personal, arms length, is probably your best way forward with this. She’s shown her true colours, just make sure you’re not the target of her nasty behaviour.

I’m not sure you can ban her from visiting, not sure he’d have the right to make any bans for you either, I think that’s a very tricky road to go down once started. Make your wishes known, and that you’d appreciate this being respected as much as possible for the sake of your marriage, she only visits when he’s there ideally etc., be busy or out as much as possible when she’s there or due to visit.

See how that goes I guess….. 🤷‍♀️

Good luck!

This!

Yes she does! Regardless if it is family! If she feels uncomfortable. With a sister who isn't there to support or just be a normal person, she should not be allowed in the house!

poor baby. What a troublesome home to be born into. What are your stakes in the new house OP? Do you contribute financially? Either way I don’t think you should dictate who he can have in his home. You don’t like them, they don’t like you - he probably doesn’t like you either and is hanging on because you have a baby… eventually it won’t be enough so perhaps playing these controlling games might bring an end sooner rather than later

I can't stand my SILs or MIL, manipulative interfering toxic bitches; I've never met women like them before or since thankfully.

Luckily they live in the UK and we are in Ireland. I cheerfully told them directly I wouldn't be making anymore effort and I don't!

You should leave him now!
it will not get better, he don’t respect you he didn’t then and don’t now.
nearly 30 years and my life is a shit show always been a private person to find out my man has been telling them everything now unsure of my whole life.
Good luck if you stay with him you’ll definitely need.

Yes, you are being unreasonable. You can't ban his family from his house.

LOL
are you living with someone at all?

”Rights” are not the discussion. Her feelings towards the family and the lack of support of her husband are.

Yeap. Draw the lines now. I would have tried to move away…away…away…

You clearly have a DH issue. Closeness is one thing. Intimacy is another. One is for family, the other one is for spouse only.

DH sounds like a dick, I would move on as he obviously puts them first before you.

Everybody needs to grow up! You to!

The issue is your DH. Why does he not defend you? And also stop stirring by telling you this stuff?

if you were in a solid relationship, this would not be happening.

Also - don’t give her anything to ‘spy’ on. Don’t vent or discuss your DH with her, and only see her when your DH invites her