AIBU for not wanting my DH sister in my house?

[GoldenGirl85]

When I married DH, I moved into his house. Our marriage was quite turbulent in the early days, and one of the issues was that DH would share every detail of our relationship with his mum and sisters. While I understand supporting your family, I found their behaviour disgraceful and they often made things worse. It caused a lot of problems and made me feel like I had no safe space within my own marriage.

A few months later we had a baby. Once DH went back to work, I thought his sister was being kind by coming over to help me with the baby. However, I soon realised she wasn’t just “helping” – she was spying. She would twist things I said and report back to DH. For example, if I joked that “your brother loves attention,” she’d go back and say I’d called him an “attention seeker.” It completely eroded my trust and left me feeling exposed in my own home. It was also bizarre to me as I could never imagine doing something like this to my sister in laws.

Because of this, I don’t want her in my house ever again. We’re moving to a bigger place soon, which will naturally mean more entertaining space, but I still don’t want her (or, if I’m honest, his mum and other sisters either) coming over.

DH knows how I feel, he refuses to understand why I dislike his sister, he says that I shouldn’t have gotten comfortable around her and said things that she could spin because his family’.

It’s going to be awkward when we move. AIBU to draw this line, or do I need to just suck it up for the sake of family harmony?

I would just be incredibly careful about what you say in front of them.
Keep conversations simple, talk about the weather or the traffic.
How long are the visits?

A man telling his 'love and house sharing' partner that she can't have one of her siblings, or parents, or close friends, visit her in his and her house, would be being very controlling and also very unpleasant, well, that is if there was no reason for such an apparently unreasonable demand/request.

However, that isn't what is happening here, as @GoldenGirl85 has, in my opinion, a very good reason to not want her sister-in-law to come to her shared house anymore. I think that once the OP's partner starts to noticeably put the OP first, and once he has had the guts - other body parts are available - to tell his sister that her behaviour towards his partner was completely unacceptable, especially in her (and his) own home, and that because of that, she is unwelcome in their home; until she can give GoldenGirl, a full and honest apology, then I expect that the OP would (possibly still with an understandable grudge for a while) agree to those terms?

It is also his house - why should your wishes trump his? Learn to keep your mouth shut regarding personal matters when she is around- keep answers bland if she asks questions, try not to be alone around her (so you have witnesses to conversations - she would find it tricky to twist them) and stay on neutral topics. In my opinion, the less said the better! Obviously don’t be rude but quit oversharing with her.

Actually, why are you sharing information regarding your DH with his family? Why is there a need to do that? All you are doing is feeding into their silly, immature behaviour of tittle tattling! Be the adult, when they visit your home be in control of conversations and don’t give them ammunition to manipulate and use against you.

Again, I can't believe the advice I m seeing from women. She should keep her mouth shot in her own house and host a complete and total bitch who is nasty to her.

There must be so many subservient women out there who allow people into their home, who treat them badly and talk behind their back, and they just must keep their mouths shot in their own home and bow down to their husband to let this nasty woman end just because she's related to him

Listen to all of you.

Nobody enters my home who treats me like that.They can go and see their brother on neutral territory.

I agree if you’re not happy with her in your home she shouldn’t be there. My dp sisters are not welcome in my house because of past issues but the main one is every argument we’ve had one or more gets involved and makes it worse, we are actually going through a trial separation right now and the only thing Iv asked of him is if he wants us to work out he needs to address our problems himself not run to them with our private lives. I’ll be civil to them for peace but I don’t trust them at all

But she doesn't seem to have actually done much at all.
You just seem to be bothered by your DH close relationship with his family.

I fully agree with you. No one should have to put up with that in their own home.

I would certainly make it clear to her that whilst your DH isn't home, she isn't welcome, you clearly don't like each other so she has no business visiting without him being home. I sympathise with you, my SIL is a nightmare and unwelcome in our home to but DH agrees!

I think in a way, op, you have kind of answered your own question with that post.

It doesn't sound pleasant and I can see why you are not liking the interactions, but there are limits to how much we can control other people.

Banning her from the house will just give them even more to gossip about elsewhere. At least at the moment you are still involved in the dynamics; cutting yourself out may not be the result you are wanting, given, as you say, the family culture is close.

I think you need to try to resolve this at a different level. Don't talk to her about your feelings towards him, and try to keep discussions on neutral ground. Maybe ask about her and get her to open up about some of her problems? With luck she will slowly lose the incentive to interfere with your marriage. To be fair to her, I might tell my DB if his DW was speaking about him and I felt it was behind his back.

to be honest, I wouldn’t like it either OP, nobody likes A tittle tattling sister in law or anybody else for that matter. Does she think her brother is a saint with no faults? I think I would be inclined to have a conversation directly with her and say you are impressed, and if she has a problem with anything you say just say it direct to your face! I’m sure we all have a moan about our partners at times. I wouldn’t want her in my home either but rather than ban her, as someone else suggested I think I would slip out quietly with the baby when she or they come. I also feel your husband should be sticking up for you and not pandering to his sister or family. Not be putting up with that either!

Saying you have no safe space within your marriage to be yourself gives you every right to say see your family elsewhere.
I'd tell them straight I don't want to know them unless changes are made.
Husband needs to keep his mouth shut aswell.

Spying and gossiping can also just be seen as chatting. Op I’d hate someone saying to me I couldn’t have family over

On whst planet is spying and gossiping just chatting?

ILoveWhales

well op’s example could have been either, they could have been chatting and op’s sil said it jokingly and then op decided actually she’s watching her with a notebook to take note of things she does and bring it back to the dh. In real life families chat and joke about what happened on their day

Completely disagree. Having toxic, bullying family members around sounds awful. You've clearly not chosen this family it just comes along with your husband, though he doesn't sound massively supporting. I'd never dream of having my family round if I knew they were horrid to my partner! What gives

A sister-in-law who came into your home under the guise of "helping" and used that access to twist your words and report back, in your own house, while you were vulnerable with a new baby - that's not overreacting to family dynamics, that's a completely reasonable response to someone who betrayed your trust in your own home.

The bit that really stands out is DH's response to all this: "you shouldn't have gotten comfortable" and "said things that could be spun." Honestly, that's an arsehole thing to say to your own wife. That's not him defending you against someone who twisted your words, that's him putting the responsibility on you for being human and speaking casually in your own house, rather than on his sister for deliberately distorting what you said to cause problems in your marriage. He needs to open his eyes here - his job is to back you up, not make excuses for his sister's behaviour at your expense.

A few things worth sitting with:
You're not required to feel safe with someone who's shown you they can't be trusted. "I called your brother an attention seeker" versus "I joked he loves attention" isn't a minor misunderstanding, it's a deliberate reframing designed to cause conflict. Once someone's shown you they'll do that, there's no reasonable expectation that you should just relax around them again.
Your home is allowed to be a safe space, and you're entitled to decide who has access to it. You said yourself the early turbulence in your marriage came partly from DH sharing everything with his family and them making things worse. Not wanting the person who actively contributed to that dynamic back in your house isn't punishment, it's you protecting the one space that's supposed to be yours and DH's.

DH refusing to understand why is worth examining more than the sister issue itself.
She did the twisting, but he's the one who's had months to see the impact and still frames it as your fault for being "too comfortable." That's a genuine failure on his part to back up his own wife over his sister, and it's fair to name it as exactly that.

You don't have to extend the ban to the whole family if you don't want to, but you're also not obliged to soften it for anyone's comfort.
If it's specifically the sister's behaviour that's the problem, that's a reasonable, specific line to draw. If his mum and other sisters have been part of the same pattern of stirring things up, not wanting them round either is just as reasonable, family or not.

The move is a good moment to reset this clearly, not to quietly let it slide because there's more space now.
More entertaining space doesn't obligate you to entertain people who've hurt your trust. It might be worth having a clear, calm conversation with DH before the move, where he's expected to actually back you rather than relitigate whose fault this is.

You don't need to suck this up for "family harmony" that was never harmonious to begin with, from your side of it. Protecting your own home and peace of mind isn't unreasonable, it's exactly what you're entitled to do - and your husband backing you on that shouldn't be up for debate.

It’s not reasonable to try and control whether your DH has his family visiting him at home. But you don’t have to engage with it - you can just go out or be busy doing something else. And if there are occasions where you have to be there just be civil and Grey Rock all the way!

That’s really harsh. Of course she was completely out of order but it’s his sister. I would have her over in large groups like family parties but keep my distance.

I can’t stand some of my in-laws but I can’t ban them from the house. I tolerate it and smile and nod. When they go home, I phone my Mum and really slag them off.

Just do this. It’s what normal people do.

You don't have to see her or his mother but you can't ban his family from the house, given it's his home too. I wouldn't stay with someone who banned my family from the house.

Why are you blaming your MIL and SIL for everything and not your DH? If my husband was running to his mum and sister and telling them everything about our relationship I wouldn’t be annoyed with THEM, I’d be annoyed with HIM.

And no, you have no right to ban your in-laws from his house.