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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting my DH sister in my house?

91 replies

GoldenGirl85 · 10/09/2025 08:01

When I married DH, I moved into his house. Our marriage was quite turbulent in the early days, and one of the issues was that DH would share every detail of our relationship with his mum and sisters. While I understand supporting your family, I found their behaviour disgraceful and they often made things worse. It caused a lot of problems and made me feel like I had no safe space within my own marriage.

A few months later we had a baby. Once DH went back to work, I thought his sister was being kind by coming over to help me with the baby. However, I soon realised she wasn’t just “helping” – she was spying. She would twist things I said and report back to DH. For example, if I joked that “your brother loves attention,” she’d go back and say I’d called him an “attention seeker.” It completely eroded my trust and left me feeling exposed in my own home. It was also bizarre to me as I could never imagine doing something like this to my sister in laws.

Because of this, I don’t want her in my house ever again. We’re moving to a bigger place soon, which will naturally mean more entertaining space, but I still don’t want her (or, if I’m honest, his mum and other sisters either) coming over.

DH knows how I feel, he refuses to understand why I dislike his sister, he says that I shouldn’t have gotten comfortable around her and said things that she could spin because his family’.

It’s going to be awkward when we move. AIBU to draw this line, or do I need to just suck it up for the sake of family harmony?

OP posts:
Mulledjuice · 10/09/2025 09:52

he refuses to understand why I dislike his sister, he says that I shouldn’t have gotten comfortable around her and said things that she could spin because his family

So he acknowledges that she has twisted your words but refuses to understand why you dislike her? When she told him you'd said he was an attention seeker did he laugh it off because he knows she twists things?

I think you need to understand that you are not going to get the same "safe space" to vent to your DH sister as you believe you provide to your brothers' wives. Find someone else to confide in and say as little as possible to her, but smile brightly.

I don't pretend to understand the implications of you refusing to be around your SIL or trying to refuse your DH having her in the house, but if you and he can't find the same page then it's going to be a difficult marriage.

Original poster
GoldenGirl85 · 10/09/2025 09:52

@GRexi don’t think you read and understood my op. I wasn’t bad-mouthing my husband. She twisted things to make them sound negative to cause issues in our marriage. To give another example, I would say I want us to move into a bigger house and how much cheaper and bigger the houses are 40 minutes away. She will call her brother in the evening and say ‘your wife is looking at houses in certain area and is planning to move there, why are you moving so far away’. Another example was vaccines, my husband is anti vaccine, my SIL is a medical professional so I asked her opinion on vaccines and that I want to get my DC vaccinated but her brother doesn’t (which she already knows). She will then say to him, ‘I think your wife is planning on vaccinating your child behind your back’.

i probably should have put more explicit examples in the op, for those who might struggle to understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldenGirl85 · 10/09/2025 09:59

@BeltaLodaLifethanm you for your advice, we’re doing couples counselling and our marriage is in a good place. I just wanted opinions on this one situation.

his family have a strange dynamic which is quite different from mine. His mum and his sisters treat him as if he’s their husband and father. So they give him an insane amount of respect without criticism or correction. I also imagine they see him getting married as a threat so act foolishly without thinking of the long term consequences.

if I was to go into all the detail my op would have been 10 pages long!

I should also add in our culture you marry families not just the individual so it’s hard to add in necessary boundaries so my DH struggles with this.

OP posts:
Throwmoneyatit · 10/09/2025 10:07

Be civil.
Talk about the weather, the new restaurant that's opened, the parking situation at work, nothing about real life.
Your husband should have your back. He's the problem.

Original poster
GoldenGirl85 · 10/09/2025 10:07

@GottaBeStrong yes he somewhat understands that he had a role to play in encouraging her to feed him information and that he should have shut it down. He said it started out as wellbeing checks on me and then spiralled. I accept his apology but there’s consequences to his actions and that consequence is me feeling really uneasy around his sister and not wanted her to be around me or the baby.

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 10/09/2025 10:09

Yanbu. My in laws were like this with my dh - they would bitch about me to him till the cows come home.
after his mum passed away, his sisters ramped up their little gossipy bitching and now I am NC with them and they are banned from our home, if he wants to see them he can see them outside our home and not speak about me to them - but as it stands after his mum passed away he saw them truly for how they are and doesnt bother with them anymore. Hopefully your husband also sees the light!

Pregnancyquestion · 10/09/2025 10:34

You shouldn’t have slagged your husband off to his sister, that was your mistake. It’s not really twisting things to say you called him an attention seeker when you said he loves attention. I don’t see how that’s a joke, I think your husbands right you shouldn’t have been saying stuff to her you wouldn’t like repeated. And I think it’s unreasonable to say she can’t come in your house because of that. It’s not like she’s done something that bad. You should just keep your distance from her

burndavideatglass · 10/09/2025 10:37

Why don't you keep your mouth shut?

Original poster
GoldenGirl85 · 10/09/2025 11:08

GoldenGirl85 · 10/09/2025 09:52

@GRexi don’t think you read and understood my op. I wasn’t bad-mouthing my husband. She twisted things to make them sound negative to cause issues in our marriage. To give another example, I would say I want us to move into a bigger house and how much cheaper and bigger the houses are 40 minutes away. She will call her brother in the evening and say ‘your wife is looking at houses in certain area and is planning to move there, why are you moving so far away’. Another example was vaccines, my husband is anti vaccine, my SIL is a medical professional so I asked her opinion on vaccines and that I want to get my DC vaccinated but her brother doesn’t (which she already knows). She will then say to him, ‘I think your wife is planning on vaccinating your child behind your back’.

i probably should have put more explicit examples in the op, for those who might struggle to understand.

@PregnancyquestionFYI. Hope this helps you better understand

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldenGirl85 · 10/09/2025 11:16

@Pregnancyquestioni have no issue with what I said being repeated to my husband. The issue is with twisting things to cause problems. To give more context around the ‘attention seeker’ comment. My husband bought a sparkly suit for a wedding and we were laughing about it and I said you know your brother loves attention (which he does and was one of the things I find most attractive about him, how confident and outgoing he was).

The issue is my SIL saying ‘your wife was moaning about you and said you’re an attention seeker’. When my husband told me this I gave him the context.

this is what I mean by ‘twisting’ things. I hope it’s now clear to you that I wasn’t slagging him off. I’m not stupid, I would never slag my husband off to his family.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 10/09/2025 11:31

GoldenGirl85 · 10/09/2025 09:52

@GRexi don’t think you read and understood my op. I wasn’t bad-mouthing my husband. She twisted things to make them sound negative to cause issues in our marriage. To give another example, I would say I want us to move into a bigger house and how much cheaper and bigger the houses are 40 minutes away. She will call her brother in the evening and say ‘your wife is looking at houses in certain area and is planning to move there, why are you moving so far away’. Another example was vaccines, my husband is anti vaccine, my SIL is a medical professional so I asked her opinion on vaccines and that I want to get my DC vaccinated but her brother doesn’t (which she already knows). She will then say to him, ‘I think your wife is planning on vaccinating your child behind your back’.

i probably should have put more explicit examples in the op, for those who might struggle to understand.

Surely as a medical professional, your SIL should be pro-vaccine and support you wanting to have your child vaccinated, rather than twisting your words and telling tales to your DH? She should be speaking to him about his anti-vaccine stance and trying to change his mind, not using it as an opportunity to cause a rift between you and your husband.

As a family they sound pretty toxic.

Sunnyscribe · 10/09/2025 11:34

I don't think you can ban them but reduced presence on your house definitely.

His sister is not behaving nicely towards you and he's not exactly sticking up for you either. He's stuck in the middle because it's his sister but he should be defending you against nasty behaviour.

If she comes over, use if as an excuse to go and have some time by yourself in another room, watch a TV series. You can't ban them, but you also shouldn't have to be around someone who's been nasty to you like that.

GAJLY · 10/09/2025 12:09

It's his house too, they can be invited by him. I'd stop having conversations with SIL, only hello and bye so nothing is twisted. You have a husband problem here, he should be shutting his sister down.

GottaBeStrong · 10/09/2025 12:10

The SIL is not someone you can trust or be friendly with, so I would just be civil - like grey rock - if she came round to visit her brother and just make myself as scarce as possible. She is purposefully causing trouble in your marriage. If your husband is a good partner, he will see this and respect that she is not a healthy person for you guys to be around. In that sense, even if he wants to continue his relationship, he should respect that he should do so in a way that also protects you.

If you are in couples therapy, why not raise these examplss of the SIL and her twisting things while you are in a session with the therapist? See if you can come to an agreement where you are protected and he is able to continue his relationship with his sister, if he wants to.

CaroleLandis · 10/09/2025 12:31

What a shame a baby was brought into this angst ridden relationship and family drama.

Your relationship is u likely to last given all the drama from ALL of you.

Jk987 · 10/09/2025 12:37

Of course you can still
have her round. Just keep the conversation light hearted and let her fuss over the kids.

CandyCane457 · 10/09/2025 12:42

I don’t think you have a right to stop his family coming over. Just be more guarded with what you say, so maybe stop making “jokes” about your husband and saying things like he loves attention, if you know she’s just going to twist it.

BeltaLodaLife · 10/09/2025 12:50

@GoldenGirl85
Children die when they do not get vaccinated. Years ago, you could rely on herd immunity to protect your child but there are too many people not vaccinating do diseases which we’re all by eradicated are now prevalent. We are all too young to remember choosing dying or being permanently disabled by measles, so we think it’s “just a rash” but it is not. Children will die. Your child needs to be vaccinated. You don’t need his permission, they only need permission from one parent. Take your child to get vaccinated.

Your husband is an idiot. Measles outbreaks are happening. Children will die.

Onthebusses · 10/09/2025 12:53

GoldenGirl85 · 10/09/2025 08:33

@PollyBellwell if one of my siblings did what his did then he could rightfully say that he doesn’t want them in the house and I would have to accept it.

There's the imbalance.

But you continue to put up with it. I really sympathise. When you marry a man like this you aren't just marrying them. You're marrying his mum and sisters too.

He's made clear that they matter to him more than you do.

It's up to you whether you keep accepting this by staying with him. If you stay with him you're accepting it. You've already accepted that 'I would just have to accept it' doesn't go both ways. You've mentally submitted to him.

Get out if you want to be happy.

DiscoBob · 10/09/2025 13:02

It doesn't sound like she likes you, that's for sure. But you can't fully ban her from the house. You can say she can come round when you're not there, or he can meet her elsewhere?

It's reasonable for you to feel criticised and not want to deal with that. But equally it is his home and his family and although you don't like her, he has a right to continue the relationship with his sister.

Skybluepinky · 10/09/2025 13:57

Sounds like you aren’t with the right partner!

Juicymed · 10/09/2025 14:30

GoldenGirl85 · 10/09/2025 09:52

@GRexi don’t think you read and understood my op. I wasn’t bad-mouthing my husband. She twisted things to make them sound negative to cause issues in our marriage. To give another example, I would say I want us to move into a bigger house and how much cheaper and bigger the houses are 40 minutes away. She will call her brother in the evening and say ‘your wife is looking at houses in certain area and is planning to move there, why are you moving so far away’. Another example was vaccines, my husband is anti vaccine, my SIL is a medical professional so I asked her opinion on vaccines and that I want to get my DC vaccinated but her brother doesn’t (which she already knows). She will then say to him, ‘I think your wife is planning on vaccinating your child behind your back’.

i probably should have put more explicit examples in the op, for those who might struggle to understand.

Did you or your husband “win” regarding whether your children got vaccinated?

Juicymed · 10/09/2025 14:32

She doesn’t like you
You didn’t like her

She loves her brother, your husband
He loves her.

You can’t stop her coming to your home op, but you don’t need to engage, and I suspect she won’t engage with you. And I suspect everyone will breathe an almighty sigh of relief.

having said that, you and your husband? Well there’s issues there that won’t be so easily solved

thing47 · 10/09/2025 14:43

GoldenGirl85 · 10/09/2025 09:52

@GRexi don’t think you read and understood my op. I wasn’t bad-mouthing my husband. She twisted things to make them sound negative to cause issues in our marriage. To give another example, I would say I want us to move into a bigger house and how much cheaper and bigger the houses are 40 minutes away. She will call her brother in the evening and say ‘your wife is looking at houses in certain area and is planning to move there, why are you moving so far away’. Another example was vaccines, my husband is anti vaccine, my SIL is a medical professional so I asked her opinion on vaccines and that I want to get my DC vaccinated but her brother doesn’t (which she already knows). She will then say to him, ‘I think your wife is planning on vaccinating your child behind your back’.

i probably should have put more explicit examples in the op, for those who might struggle to understand.

Is your DH a medical professional too? Why does he think he knows more about vaccines than his medically trained sister? So he's thick as well as unsupportive, he's not really sounding like a great catch OP

AgnesX · 10/09/2025 18:14

PollyBell · 10/09/2025 08:07

Why so you thinl you have the right to dictwhqt he does in his equal house, imagine if a man said to a woman 'i forbid your sibling being here' he would be called controlling

Edited

I'd expect the man to stand up for his wife so that the problem didn't arise in the first place.

The fact that his sister's a shit stirrer towards his wife seems to have escaped you.