What was the moment you knew your marriage / relationship was over? The straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak

[LavaLaamp]

For me it was after he’d repeatedly told me that mama Mia in the cinema was a total joke and the fact I wanted to see it with my mum was pathetic, he refused to see it with me and took the piss repeatedly for weeks. I ignored him and went with my mum, aunt and cousin and had an absolutely brilliant time. Then the week after we went for the 2nd or 3rd time (sing along obviously) with more piss taking from boyfriend (not light hearted) it was my birthday and we had plans for my birthday.

I had a huge party which he didn’t turn up for and when I asked him why he wasn’t there he said he’d taken his co worker to go see mama Mia as she really wanted to go. I realised I would never be a priority in his life and dumped him, he married his co worker and then cheated on her with his male colleague 3 years later, lucky escape!

I was also ‘left at the alter’ on my wedding day- I found out about an hour before that he wasn’t to be found anywhere, I was in my dress, hair and makeup done etc. his mum told my moh that they didn’t know where he was but he wouldn’t be coming to the wedding, so I asked my moh and bridesmaid to tell everyone that the wedding wouldn’t be going ahead but everyone was welcome to come and enjoy the reception because we’d already paid for it all so we had a fab day with lots of tears and laughter at what should have been my wedding day! All his groomsmen stayed to be with me, his best man was incredible It went viral and he did apologise and ask to come back but I said no. 4 years on and I’m married to my soul mate and my ex is single and none of his friends speak to him.

Im so grateful that he did that because I’m so happy now.

what about you?

Buckle down 😮
I'm glad the only buckle you entertained was on your suitcase 😂

Stitch and bitch at a crochet coven with your MiL. In what world.....😂

So glad that you managed to have a happy ever after after all that that's brill.
Your ex was a dick.
I myself was engaged and started going off him after a family holiday to haven. He was usually the nicest guy, but then he was mean and snappy to me and our kids and a jerk at the train stations ( not joint kids) after that I slowly started pulling away.
His whole personality changed after then and three months later he left me for his work colleague who I had never heard of and she made my life hell until I blocked her, posting pictures of them together everywhere.
He denied it all, blocked me on everything, but I found out and they had been cheating since the holiday. I didn't even fight for him as he wasn't worth it.
They lasted barely six months lol.
He lost custody of his kids because of her and has moved jobs for reasons unknown I just know what people tell me hahah.
Karma.
Anyway I ended up back in touch with an old work colleague, we were with other people when we worked together, we are so madly in love and now I am so thankful for what happened even though at the time it was incredibly painful because this man I have now takes my breath away. X

I had some unplanned dental work done which meant I couldnt really eat much /drink for a few days whilst he visited (long distance relationship).

He called me boring and no fun. It was the beginning of the end. That weekend he had a "mental health crisis" because I wasn't showing him enough attention /wanting to sleep with him. Note: I was still in a lot of pain after the dentist and didn't want to do much!

I'm having one of those days when I'm looking at the door... thinking me and the kids would be ok on our own.
There are only so many times he can forget stuff before I start to feel that everything is more important than me.
Been crying all morning because he forgot another work trip over my birthday.

Thanks to @silkypyjamas for the term 'de-married'. Love it!

I’m so glad you have a happy ending with someone so much better.

That first one is typical of someone who is really unhappy and uneasy with themselves and copes by inflicting casual cruelty on the people who they’re supposed to love but really just see as a useful idiot. What a cock.

I think you sound amazing and a great example of a woman who refuses to let a miserable cruel arsehole steal their joy - which is really really important.

Get him gone, he doesn’t deserve any more of your tears, time, or effort. Xx

When my best friend and neighbour was ill with flu and I said I'd pop round to see her. He said she didn't want to see me because I had flirted with her boyfriend and he'd left. (I hadn't.)

They've been together for 30 years next year. Her boyfriend left because she told him she was in love with my exDH.

That moment of clarity is amazing. I had it with an ex.

My DMum had cancer and DDad and I were taking it in turns caring for her.

My then DP called and invited me over so I told him I couldn't as it was my watch and besides she had actually deteriorated and both Dad and I were staying with her.

He said that if I didn't go over that evening, to never bother again. I asked him to repeat it and he did and I put receiver down knowing that was the last time I would ever hear his voice. It was like I had had a tonne lifted from me and I was a different person.

DMum died two weeks later. I called ex DP's Mum to let her know as she was lovely. She said he was visiting her but he wasn't there at that moment. She was clearly under the impression we were still together and I didn't put her straight.

I know his Mum would have told him my DMum had died and yet, after four and a half years together he couldn't even send me a card. I didn't care. I was a new person and I have never allowed myself to be treated so badly since. There were other red flags prior, I admit but I have always thanked my DMum for what she did for me in a roundabout way as well as for everything else she did for me.

This was the early 90's He's still single

When the day before we went on holiday his phone rang and the woman on the other end was his girlfriend. I was with him for many years - she predated me!! Safe to say I left, she stayed with him!!

When someone shows you who they are, believe them @eqpi4t2hbsnktd . He's never going to put you and your DC first, you're the childcare and the housekeeper. Do yourself a favour and walk out that door- and good luck

Yours is worse than mine. Her Mum was a good mum. I was like a big sister really. I never had concerns in that respect. Her dad, my ex, was not a great dad although he thought he was. He was very inconsistent with them and moody whereas I am a very steady and samey person. He abdicated responsibility for her entirely onto me when he had contact but I didn't care. I didn't want children of my own as we have some very odd genes in our family. I treasured every moment with this little girl though as she was funny and spunky and fearless and interested in everything. If I could have had kids like her I would have had a massive brood of my own. I left when she was at home with her Mum. I felt ripped in two as I drove away but felt stupid feeling the way I did as it's not recognised as 'a thing'.

I bet you're one of those people that tell everyone how the book ends/ whodunnit just as they've started it 😂 😂

Reading all these sad life experiences, it makes me think yeah I'm not perfect and I can be ratty, but all I ever wanted when I was married was to bring the children up in peace and to get along with my DH. Why can't some people treat others they're closest to with respect and basic decency?

I've had something similar

Once id told him to fuck off and he'd thrown his pound coin at me,he ran back to mummies house

Unfortunately if you looked out of her bathroom window,you could see straight into my bedroom window

And he took full advantage of this

He always seemed to know where I was,what I was doing and who I was spending time with

It turned out he was stalking me,going through my bins and keeping tabs on me-the fbi should have hired him

I remember him breaking in (more than once),waking the whole house up and screaming at me that id been shagging another man and where was he?

The police where worse than useless,unless he hurt me there was nothing they could do,not even have a word with him

I spent more than 2 years,shit scared that he would kill me and nobody cared

I ended up moving to get shot of him (I did a swap) and he found where I was living (he didn't care about the kids,he wanted control)

Fast forward a few years and I'm walking through town when he appeared in front of me,screaming id spent his money on my hair,clothes,nails and make up (laughable as he never paid a penny)

I moved 136 miles away and hes badgered my friends for my address as 'I've got a right to know where she is!')

Thankfully they've all told him to fuck off but it's scary how he thinks he still controls me 29 years on

The pisser is for all of us that had a 'final straw' scenario, that these men will be telling other people that they were divorced as a result of a innocuous thing when nothing could be farther from the truth. It's the background appalling shite that they have repeated time and again but at the time we were in a position where we had to let it slide for a variety of reasons.

I guess eventually their next partners go through the same thing and leave for the same reasons.

My ex that was a monstrous perv got married shortly after I left him. Within two years he was single again so I'm hoping she discovered his true nature and left for the same reason I did as at least I would have had a bit of validation.

When him breathing in the same room as me got on my nerves I knew it was time to leave, I didn’t and haven’t looked back even though he then did a stalking campaign.

That is really terrifying. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It's an awful experience, not feeling safe in your own house.

When asking Dh if he knew where my laptop was and his reply was "i lent it to Glenda (not her name) from work". He never lent anyone anything, he was too tight.

He had given the other woman my laptop. He had been gas lighting me for weeks. I knew there and then; sat on his mothers sofa, whilst he squirmed at the other end of the room, he was cheating and I was leaving.

Bitter sweet, 20 plus years down the drain but 10 years me and the kids are happy

Ex 1: Was financially and emotionally controlling. Cheated constantly.

After I had DC2 he made me stay in the hospital an extra day because he had an important game to play (and he'd made sure I had no way of making friends who might have helped).

He resented it when I went back to work after DC2 as it meant I would come into contact with other people. When I hosted a leaving party for a colleague he sat in the same room all night but didn't speak to any of the guests.

When I finally felt I could leave, he said if I wanted us to stay together I had to leave my job and have another baby. It was so literally "I want you barefoot and pregnant" that I just laughed.

Ex 2: Told me no one else would put up with me, I was a heavy burden to carry & I couldn't cope without him.

Cheated constantly. When I found out about one OW he told me the details about her and others with glee. When I asked if he would promise not to do it again he said no, that would be too boring.

When we bought a house together (we had previously been living in mine, where he paid nothing except occasionally buying a takeaway), he had to decide everything about the house & threatened to leave if he didn't get his way.

The last time, I said, "Ok, go ahead," & he was shocked, packed his stuff & started huffily moving out waiting for me to beg him to stay. I didn't.

He rolled his eyes.

My final straw moment was very undramatic compared to some of the stories here.

Luckily no kids or financial ties, but we lived together. After seven years of low level emotional abuse, controlling behaviour and general dickishness, we were on holiday and I was watching him walk by the pool. It was as if I was seeing him through other people's eyes for the first time. How had I never noticed that he was slightly knock-kneed? How had I never noticed that his chin and jawline was weak? How had I never noticed that he tried to puff out his chest when he walked because he was trying to look 'hard'?

I got the instant ick and I had the sudden realisation that if I was to meet him for the first time now, in a bar or at a party or something, I wouldn't give him the time of day. And more than that - I didn't even like him as a person. He was negative and cruel and jealous of other people's success. He had no sense of humour to speak of and was just a fucking drain to be around.

In that moment any love or attraction I had for him drained out of my body and it was like my world had snapped into this new reality where he was no longer someone I had to tread on eggshells around and be desperate to please him, he was actually just a pathetic twat with a smaller than average sized penis.

I ended it as soon as we were back in the UK.

Like many of you, there were many years of awful things and red flags galore, but I felt so ashamed of everything he did I couldn’t bring myself to end the relationship because it would mean I’d have to tell people what I’d put up with for so long.

One day we agreed to take the kids out to a local park. We’d had a bit of a disagreement over something I can’t even remember now, nothing major. I sat on the stairs (silly place!) putting my daughter’s shoes on and he needed to get past to get upstairs. Instead of letting me just move to the side, he put a leg either side of me and then pushed down, on my head, and a muscle in my neck made a cracking sound. I was in agony, the kids had seen it, and in that moment I realised I really fucking hated him and he clearly hated me too as you don’t treat anyone you love or even like in that way. Looking back I know I should have called the police and had him arrested, but I didn’t because I knew the only person that would be embarrassed would be me and children, he didn’t give a shit.

I recognise those feelings of shame and embarrassment that some people are describing. You keep willing them to be better, to act like a grown up, but they never do because they're not capable.

No you dont sound pathetic at all x