DH told the baby I didn’t want her

[AngryDH25]

DD is 15m, she’s just started nursery and has a bad cold, she’s been sleeping extra badly the past few nights because of it and she’s breastfed so 100% of the night wakings and resettling are on me.

She woke up tonight and I couldn’t get her back to sleep, I tried everything I could think of, but she was still crying after an hour.

I woke DH up and asked him to help me, she was in her cot crying and I just needed to get away from the crying and her for a few minutes and I needed the toilet. I was a bit frazzled but I wasn’t angry at him, more just desperate.

DH picked her up and said “she’s just poorly” and then he said “she’s red hot” and I felt like he was accusing me or blaming me or was mad at me. I’d told him she was hot a couple of nights ago but he had said it was just because she was ill.

i was in the bathroom at this point and I saw him put a light on so I said don’t wake her up more, then I said “can’t you just rock her a bit or something”.

Then I heard him say to her: “I know you want your Mum but she doesn’t want you”.

AIBU or is that a really cruel thing to say to your baby? It’s really upset me. She’s really starting to understand the things you say to her now.

I got back into bed and started feeding her and I told him it was awful and he owed us both an apology but he said he wouldn’t apologise to me. He said I was making out he was “thick” by saying can’t you just try to rock her, because I couldn’t see and he was already doing that.

i would never try and imply that, about anyone but especially not him.

i told him i just needed help and a minute away from the crying, that all the baby advice says to ask your partner for help if the crying is too much. I’ve only ever asked him for help with her 2-3 times in the night.

AIBU for being so upset by what he said?

He should never have said that, that's a horrible thing to say.

That said, you saying "can't you just rock her" after failing to sooth her yourself for an hour is a bit rich, so I can see why he bit when you're all tired in the middle of the night. And it does sound like she should have had Calpol/nurofen a while back if she was hot and uncomfortable.

It would have been okay if he had added .. right now.
You didn't want her right then. You were otherwise engaged.
It was just a phrase. You are reading too much into this.
You are over tired, baby is sick and Dad is helping as best he can (but baby possibly likes you best when sick).

I think you will all see this differently once recovered of sleep deprivation and illness.
No Mum or Dad is perfect. We all slip up. Goodenough parents are just that - good enough most of the time.

Hard disagree with this.

It’s not normal or reasonable to tell a child (even if they’re young and you don’t think they understand) that their Mum doesn’t want them.

The night wakings are hard and famous for fraying tempers, but that’s not okay and warrants an apology.

Oh OP I vividly remember those days - painful, long and torturous. Whatever is said in the midst of sleep deprivation trying to get a baby back to sleep can't be taken seriously. If your relationship is generally good please don't take what he said to heart.

Of course what he said wasn't nice and you are well within your rights to be upset but sleep deprivation makes me extra sensitive so come morning reassess. He should be getting up in the night too though, it shouldn't all be on you.

What he said was really nasty and he definitely owes you an apology but if he is generally a decent person and a good dad I think you can maybe clock this one up to broken nights and frayed tempers.

Moving on I think you maybe need to think about weaning her off BF so as you can both equally share in her nighttime care. I'm assuming you are working if she's now at nursery and you have as much right to a night's sleep as your DH, so he needs to step up.

I remember my (now ex) H saying to me once, when I was on day 5 of three kids having noro just as I was getting ill with it too and asked him to stay off work....."well you just need to keep up with the washing better, its your fault you cant cope".

A lot happened but TLDR is that he got it next and I left him to wallow in his own shit, literally. Not the reason we split up but was referenced in the "Unreasonable Behaviour" list.

Yanbu for needing a break and it's better to take one than lose your head with a small baby.

He was massively unreasonable to say you didn't want her - you never ever say that to a child no matter what the intent. Needing a break and not wanting your child are not the same thing.

You were unreasonable to say can you not just rock her although I also have done the same exact thing because while you need the break and you want away from the situation you're still emotionally tied to it and want to manage it. And that's not great either.

You're in the trenches with a small child, little sleep, maybe both back to juggling work and it's a lot. Getting snappy in those moments is really common but you need to be able to sit down with cooler heads tomorrow and talk it through.

In isolation, off of what you said, this sounds very uncaring of him. He lets you do everything and when you finally desperately ask him for help he says something passive aggressive about you to the baby. If he’s generally a good person and this is in the context of a man who is generally kind and good to you then that would be very different than if it just represents an overall dynamic in your relationship.

I think it is not necessarily unreasonable to say that Mum can't deal with you/ can't have you/ doesn't want you in her space right now. It is realistic to, as a child, have to go and find something to do or someone else to assist when parents are mowing, bathing, sewing, cooking, reading and I have no hard feelings about times my mother said (without taking her mind and eyes off what she was doing) Go off and play trains, Find your Dad, Outside and play for a bit etc.
It's okay that children know parents can be in a position to not want interuption. Generalising here just to respond to your generalisation about never saying XX to kids. Op's, situation is not foremost in this response.

This is exactly what I was going to write.

Yanbu OP - he was punishing both you and the baby for waking him - and I think I can tell from your post (although possibly I'm projecting) what kind of parent he is.

My DH was also initially crap at night wakings - I felt obliged to do them all and on the rare occasions when I asked for help he would take his sweet time getting out of bed and then very half-heartedly try to settle the baby. Like he'd hold her for the bare minimum time, shush her a few times and then put her back down, which obviously didn't work. I also definitely stuck my head round the door a few times and said, 'rock her, you lazy bastard'.

I'm very impressed you've made it 15m doing all the night wakings - after 5 months of sleeping about 4h a night in 1-2hr stints I told my DH I couldn't do it alone anymore. We do shifts now (his is 4h at the start of the night, he still gets at least 6h in bed) and he's genuinely brilliant - up like a shot, will take her for a walk in the middle of the night if she's inconsolable. I think partly he lacked confidence, but once he saw that he could actually fully settle her he was game for sharing the load.

I'd talk to your husband in the cold light of day and see if you can agree on a more equitable way of splitting nights. If you do, make it absolutely clear that he's not to wake you to take over unless (like you did last night) he really needs to step away. That way he's incentived to actually try!

he's tired and was hurt by your comment can you just rock her (criticism in his eyes)
your tired and was hurt by his comment of mummy doesn't want you
sound like your both tired & stressed and have lost sight of each other as a couple tbh
you both need to remember why you fell in love in the first place
remind yourself you would never intentially say something to hurt him and he would never intentially say something to hurt you.
ask yourself when was the last time you praised or showed him appreciation or is everything a criticism of he isn't doing this or that right. for him to say what he did there is obviously some underlying issue

I disagree that adding ‘right now’ would make it ok. He should have said ‘mummy needs some rest’ or ‘mummy is busy’ if he had to say anything.

The OP shouldn’t have tried to micromanage her DH saying ‘can’t you just rock him’. The DH shouldn’t have made the PA comment. Either way the DH needs to help out more in the night.

OP - I realise you haven’t asked for sleep advice so hope you don’t mind me making a suggestion - if LO often needs resettling in the night after a feed (as opposed to just feeding back to sleep) then it sounds like night feeds aren’t doing you any favours and you might want to consider nightweaning so at least your DH can do his share. I know it’s daunting thinking it will make matters worse, but both mine surprised me by sleeping through the night soon after nightweaning - it was the milk they were waking for. I only wished I’d done it a bit sooner.

Why does everyone think she was wrong to say "can't you just rock her a bit"? It sounds like it wasn't clear that he was doing that already and if he's only helped out in the night 2 or 3 times EVER then I would expect him to need micromanaging! Why is he never involved in the resettling process if this is sometimes needed after bfing?

Because it is patronising and he's already there with her. I absolutely would not expect a dad who sounds hands on in the day to stand and look stupidly at their child because it's night time. She needed to step away from the situation, which is fine, but step away. Don't then call through unhelpful comments when you can't even see what's happening, especially when it makes it sound like all it would take to soothe her is a bit of rocking which presumably didn't work for the OP as the baby is still screaming her head off.

Her comment was asking him to rock the child so she will resettle he wasn't.
His comment was cruel and upsetting to his child and would have made her more unsettled.
They are not the same.

Op why are you doing the bulk of the nights?

He was completely in the wrong. What a dickish thing to say. He wanted you to hear that and he was punishing you for being woken up.

Why on earth has he only done 2 to 3 night wakings? What kind of a selfish idiot lets their partner suffer, exhausted night after night? I don’t care if he has a very important job outside the home. He is a dad and needs to wake up for the baby when his partner is shattered. I can see why you didn’t want the light to be put on which would disrupt the baby’s sleep more potentially.

Even if that annoyed him, he had no right to say that to you. He was being cruel and wanted to hurt you. A huge apology from him is needed.

Again some typical ‘poor man’ comments from MN doormats with low standards on this thread already.

Why isn’t he doing his share of the night wakings? He is completely out of order saying that and i’d be absolutely furious.

If things are otherwise good in your relationship and he’s a good husband and father honestly I would just chalk this up to one of those situations as parents in the middle of the night when no one’s at their best. Most couples have had a few near divorce moments at 3am with an ill/ crying/ not sleeping baby. I know DH and I have had our fair share! Trying to analyse who was most right or most wrong will help no one, get some sleep and give each other grace. If you’re struggling with doing the lions share at night, have a chat about how he can’t help.

He didnt say mum cant mummy is busy doing … ,he said mum dosent want her- wierd choice of words use with a child

The baby is 15 months old - what he said was about as meaningful to the baby as if he'd told her Mummy was a pagan goddess who danced naked on the full moon.

You are woefully underestimating their potential understanding.

15months old, not 5 months old. Babies can talk at that age.

OP when DC is better you need to look at sharing the nights equally with your DH. This shouldn’t all be on you.

This is terrible advice.