DH told the baby I didn’t want her

[AngryDH25]

DD is 15m, she’s just started nursery and has a bad cold, she’s been sleeping extra badly the past few nights because of it and she’s breastfed so 100% of the night wakings and resettling are on me.

She woke up tonight and I couldn’t get her back to sleep, I tried everything I could think of, but she was still crying after an hour.

I woke DH up and asked him to help me, she was in her cot crying and I just needed to get away from the crying and her for a few minutes and I needed the toilet. I was a bit frazzled but I wasn’t angry at him, more just desperate.

DH picked her up and said “she’s just poorly” and then he said “she’s red hot” and I felt like he was accusing me or blaming me or was mad at me. I’d told him she was hot a couple of nights ago but he had said it was just because she was ill.

i was in the bathroom at this point and I saw him put a light on so I said don’t wake her up more, then I said “can’t you just rock her a bit or something”.

Then I heard him say to her: “I know you want your Mum but she doesn’t want you”.

AIBU or is that a really cruel thing to say to your baby? It’s really upset me. She’s really starting to understand the things you say to her now.

I got back into bed and started feeding her and I told him it was awful and he owed us both an apology but he said he wouldn’t apologise to me. He said I was making out he was “thick” by saying can’t you just try to rock her, because I couldn’t see and he was already doing that.

i would never try and imply that, about anyone but especially not him.

i told him i just needed help and a minute away from the crying, that all the baby advice says to ask your partner for help if the crying is too much. I’ve only ever asked him for help with her 2-3 times in the night.

AIBU for being so upset by what he said?

If he’s otherwise involved during the day then he should know perfectly well how to settle her. Or else he needs to be given a chance to work out his own methods, just like we all did in the beginning. As long as he is comforting her in some way and not just leaving her to cry, all is well.

I remember when I nightweaned mine - we used the tactic of sending DH in rather than me so they couldn’t expect a feed. He went from doing practically zero wake ups to all of them and I wouldn’t have dreamed of telling him how to do it - so patronising.

Your title is very misleading. As I read it, he’d said you didn’t want her at all, i.e. from finding out you were pregnant.

Maybe what he did say wasn’t ideal, but IMO you’re reading far too much into it, and please don’t worry that a 15 month old is going to be scarred by it!

Does your daughter have a fever? Have you checked?

And no one thought to give the poor child calpol for her fever? Do you even have a thermometer? Bonjela for her teething?

Exactly.

And the OP, perfectly understandably, didn’t want her baby right then — she wanted to go to the loo and be out of earshot for a few minutes after an hour of dealing with a crying baby. None of that is unreasonable.

Some posters have such a low bar, ‘he’s doing the best that he can’. He has ‘helped’ 2- 3 times with night wakings. DS was breast fed, but if he wouldn’t settle after a night feed then DH would take over parenting not ‘helping’, so I could get some rest

This sounds right. It also sounds like you are exhausted and taking things personally which is totally understandable. People aren't at thier best when woken in the middle of the night and though it wasnt a good thing for your DH to say i doubt it is really how he feels. You are doing a wonderful job and your baby is lucky to have you.

It’s an awful thing to say and definitely warrants an apology.

The OP isn’t asking for a critique of her parenting.

Passive aggressive twat

Baby is 15 months and he's only got up 2 or 3 times in the night?!
That's all I need to know to think he's a massive arse.

My mum told me she wished she had aborted me like my grandma wanted. It has coloured our whole relationship for over 50 years. I was maybe 5 at the time so. No she shouldn't have said that.

But it's irrelevant to this situation. It was the middle of the night. The child is a toddler (not a go outside & play aged child) & unwell. The OP needed the loo & a 2 minute sanity break. It was a cruel & nasty thing to say. OP dies all the night wakings. But does she say 'Daddy doesn't want you'. No she doesn't.

why she puts up with him not getting up in the night with a toddler is beyond me though.

He is not helping. It’s his child FFS.

Exactly!!

It’s not a bit Rich at all. The child has 2 parents. Well past time for the other one to step up.

What part of turning lights on & telling a toddler 'mummy doesn't want you' is 'helping' exactly & if that's his 'best' to soothe HIS CHILD, he might as well just fuck off.
@Donttellempike sorry, meant to quote the person you quoted. Not you!! I agree with you!

Honestly unless there are other issues, you were both tired, oversensitive and fraught.

That was said to be hurtful to you, not to the baby. The baby is unlikely to fully understand but you do. It's an abuse tactic that is used as a way to make you feel guilty and manipulate you. YANBU and I'm sick of men thinking caring for their children is a mum-only job

His comment was passive aggressive and uncalled for. If this was a one off and he's otherwise great then I wouldn't get upset over it, but the fact you do all the night wakings suggests he's not doing his fair share overall.

You both sound unreasonable here.

Saying "can't you just rock her"suggest you have installed yourself as the expert on the baby. You need to stop that and allow him to make faults and work it out.

He should not have said that

You should not demand an apology as frankly if you need to demand one its not worth it.

Have a conversation one evening when you are bith awake abd relaxed. Explain to him that 1 its upsetting for you to hear and 2 you would prefer your dd to grow up feeling loved and cared for by both her parents and you think he wants that too.
Ask him if you do or say something to dd that he would prefer you not to. There may well be.

Work with eachother not against
By sou ds of things you were both working against each other here. Change that

Agree with the intent but choice of words really matters when speaking to children.

You can “Mum is tired right now”, “mum needs some space right now”.

That way it’s about the mum’s needs being met and doesn’t put any blame, rejection or guilt on the child. The words he chose, if repeated, could damage the child’s self esteem as they grow up and leave them feeling unloved and unwanted by the people who should love them unconditionally.

I'd be furious. She'll be understanding things like that soon so that absolutely needs to be a one off. What a nasty thing to say to your baby.

Kids don’t need to be catching strays when parents are pissed off at one another. Her brain is a sponge. Even if he feels it’s justified to question your love for your child because you have insulted his planet-sized intellect. A person might well query his capabilities because he doesn’t seem overly keen to be involved during the night.

Tbh there are some things you just don’t say, and that’s one of them. Assuming they are not yet understanding us doesn’t mean we say it. Would he repeat his statement in public? I highly doubt it - so if he’s aware a) she can potentially understand, and b) that it’s wrong to say certain words to a child regardless, he really wants to watch how he speaks when he’s in private and irritated. Cos if she doesn’t comprehend now, before very long she will.

I never get why PPs recommend stopping breastfeeding to sort night wakings - breastfeeding is how I get DC back to sleep so fast overnight! It’s like magic. Sadly DP doesn’t lactate 😂

I know a lot depends on baby’s temperament, but with mine in mind I don’t know how parents cope who don’t bedshare and breastfeed.

OP, I hope things are OK in the cold light of day and your DC is feeling better.

Edited to add: I would be very unimpressed if DP said this to our 10mo, let alone a 15mo!

I think it’s a cruel thing to say, particularly when you are already dealing with sleepless nights and presumably the emotions that come with returning to work & a baby starting nursery. I’d be very upset too 🙁