DH told the baby I didn’t want her

[AngryDH25]

DD is 15m, she’s just started nursery and has a bad cold, she’s been sleeping extra badly the past few nights because of it and she’s breastfed so 100% of the night wakings and resettling are on me.

She woke up tonight and I couldn’t get her back to sleep, I tried everything I could think of, but she was still crying after an hour.

I woke DH up and asked him to help me, she was in her cot crying and I just needed to get away from the crying and her for a few minutes and I needed the toilet. I was a bit frazzled but I wasn’t angry at him, more just desperate.

DH picked her up and said “she’s just poorly” and then he said “she’s red hot” and I felt like he was accusing me or blaming me or was mad at me. I’d told him she was hot a couple of nights ago but he had said it was just because she was ill.

i was in the bathroom at this point and I saw him put a light on so I said don’t wake her up more, then I said “can’t you just rock her a bit or something”.

Then I heard him say to her: “I know you want your Mum but she doesn’t want you”.

AIBU or is that a really cruel thing to say to your baby? It’s really upset me. She’s really starting to understand the things you say to her now.

I got back into bed and started feeding her and I told him it was awful and he owed us both an apology but he said he wouldn’t apologise to me. He said I was making out he was “thick” by saying can’t you just try to rock her, because I couldn’t see and he was already doing that.

i would never try and imply that, about anyone but especially not him.

i told him i just needed help and a minute away from the crying, that all the baby advice says to ask your partner for help if the crying is too much. I’ve only ever asked him for help with her 2-3 times in the night.

AIBU for being so upset by what he said?

I think you need to agree as parents to never say bad things about each other to the kid. To your friends, your therapist, your parents, your diary.. vent away… but it’s extremely harmful to a child. Dd won’t remember on this occasion and she knows you love her, but nip this in the bud now.

He is training you not to ask him for help because he sees the child as your job.

Ive suggested having a conversation about not talking shit about the other parent as a reasonable approach.

My kneejerk reaction would be to tell DH to STFU and never make a comment like that again. But in the interests of making a suggestion that would be better tempered than me, I thought a.conversation would be better.

It is tiring and frustrating that so many men act like the mother is the default and any need the mother might have has to be put to one side in order to continue caring for their child for the single reason the man won't do it. Making negative comments and acting like a mother is negligent for needing a few minutes away from a crying baby is cruel and unsupportive.

Any father should be able to pick the baby up first or take over when necessary. I had to tell my DH that he wasnt "helping" me, he should be caring for his children too. He is better at it now, but it was an eye opener to me that we had to have the conversation (after I had not so politely told him to step up).

Anyway. OP didn't deserve the comments from her DH.

Raise your standards.

Thanks for all the replies. She slept through once she’d got back to sleep so I didn’t get a bad chunk of sleep in the end. Normally I put her on the boob and she feeds to sleep easily, she’s not a big crier overall, she doesn’t normally need resettling but I’d tried everything last night - I’d given her a dose of Calpol, water, played her favourite songs that normally soothe her, walked her round, everything I could think of.

i told him to rock her because he has form for just standing there with her, she is very clingy with me and if he picks her up while she’s crying like if I’m pegging the washing out or something, he’ll just follow me holding her and telling her she can come back to me in a minute. That’s his idea of soothing her - letting her see me and telling her she can come back. So he said he was rocking her after the fact but I don’t know if he was, he wasn’t saying anything comforting to her or shhing her or anything like that, like a lot of people would if they were comforting a crying baby. I couldn’t see though so I don’t know for sure.

i do think tiredness played a big part in how upset I got over it though and we’ve cleared the air this morning.

You need to do more than clear the air and you know this, you need to agree to some ground rules, as many of us have suggested.

So he does very little with his child? How much does he look after her on his own? He needs to do that more. Much much more.

YANBU.

I had to put unconsolable DD1 down in her cot sometimes to go and have a cry myself. It's horrible when you can't settle them. Dad might not be able to settle them either but at least you could go for a wee or make a drink.

This.

Using your baby as a weapon against you.

No truly caring father would say this to his child and everyone on this thread bending over backwards to defend him and paint this as normal behaviour needs to have a good bloody think about it.

He said what he said to punish the OP. Expect more of this to come in future. Next time she’ll start to understand what he’s saying.

he’ll just follow me holding her and telling her she can come back to me in a minute

DH used to do that a bit. It's just lack of confidence really, I mean young babies do want their mums but the more dad holds them the more they will bond.

I would find being followed so irritating!

Dads who hold their babies a lot in the early weeks and months end up being able to comfort the baby as well as the mum can. Well, that’s how it worked in our house anyway.

Oh yes, I made sure I went out and left DDs with him.

This is appearing in the Mirror online

@spoonbillstretford this baby is 15mo

@AngryDH25 how much solo parenting does he actually do?

"normally I put her on the boob and she feeds to sleep"
Gently I'm going to ask if this is part of the problem? If she's boob dependant for sleep it's hard for your dh to soothe her back to sleep.

OP he sounds dreadful! Why on earth has he only tried to soothe her a handful of times in 15 months? I’d not even call him a father with that little input!

Then you have the fact he’s willing to upset his very young child to hurt you?! Unforgivable. Honestly you need to sit him down and explain just how awful that it is, what a crap dad that makes him and how you’ll leave him if he does it again. DD doesn’t need that bad influence in her life.

lastly, gently, it’s definitely time to night wean. Your DD hasn’t needed milk nutritionally at night for a long time now and it’s likely that she’s only waking up because she’s in the habit of feeding. Lots of tips online for how to gently drop the night feeds and I suggest this would help you all a lot. Then if she does wake up, it’s up to dad to soothe her - you’ve done your fair share now!

No, this is not right. Saying to a child that their mother doesn’t want them, no matter how you then qualify it, is always wrong and it seems pretty obvious the DH said this as a dig at OP. He could have just said “mummy needs a break right now “, which was actually the truth and wouldn’t imply any rejection of the child. It’s what a sympathetic, supportive partner would say.

I never had to 'ask my husband for help'. My husband would get up to support me, even if it was making me a mug of tea. I breast fed too, my son refused a bottle and didn't sleep well. You're a partnership, and you need to work together as a team. My husband worked full-time, and still got up at night, not every night no, but he did a Friday/Saturday night and if I was struggling got up to be with me. I've been sobbing on the rocking chair, son in arms, utterly exhausted and he'd appear next to me. What your husband said is mean. You are exhausted, and tempers are frayed. Your husband needs to be taking his turn at night.

give over that comment wouldn't unsettle a 15 month old, it doesn't understand the sarcasm. they are always unsettled at that age sleep regression, wet nappy, wind, teeth

For heavens sake you are both tired and tetchy, it’s a spat. Not everything needs to be turned into a drama
also an apology is worth nothing unless it is freely given and heartfelt.

Sounds like you’ve taken him pointing out she was hot as a dig at you, (which is understandable when you’re stressed and tired) and then he’s taken you micromanaging him with the asking him not to wake her up too much and then also telling him what to do with her. If he was already actually doing the thing you’ve told him to do I can see why he felt like you were treating him like he’s thick if he’s also tired and stressed.

What’s not ok is telling a child mummy doesn’t want them. Yes, there’s times children needs to amuse themselves or can’t have the chosen parent, tbut that’s totally different to saying mummy doesn’t want you, to a distressed child! I’d expect the adult to show basic emotional maturity and be able to say “mummy is busy right now, she’ll be back soon , I know, there, there” or some age appropriate soothing and distractions.

I agree.

Turning on the light was a dick move designed to make your night more difficult. No doubt he settled right back to sleep when you resumed night duty yet again.

15m olds don’t need fed in the night so you need to start sharing the load way more.

I’m sorry OP but he sounds like a cunt! And one that doesn’t want to look after his child