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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told the baby I didn’t want her

99 replies

AngryDH25 · 09/09/2025 01:05

DD is 15m, she’s just started nursery and has a bad cold, she’s been sleeping extra badly the past few nights because of it and she’s breastfed so 100% of the night wakings and resettling are on me.

She woke up tonight and I couldn’t get her back to sleep, I tried everything I could think of, but she was still crying after an hour.

I woke DH up and asked him to help me, she was in her cot crying and I just needed to get away from the crying and her for a few minutes and I needed the toilet. I was a bit frazzled but I wasn’t angry at him, more just desperate.

DH picked her up and said “she’s just poorly” and then he said “she’s red hot” and I felt like he was accusing me or blaming me or was mad at me. I’d told him she was hot a couple of nights ago but he had said it was just because she was ill.

i was in the bathroom at this point and I saw him put a light on so I said don’t wake her up more, then I said “can’t you just rock her a bit or something”.

Then I heard him say to her: “I know you want your Mum but she doesn’t want you”.

AIBU or is that a really cruel thing to say to your baby? It’s really upset me. She’s really starting to understand the things you say to her now.

I got back into bed and started feeding her and I told him it was awful and he owed us both an apology but he said he wouldn’t apologise to me. He said I was making out he was “thick” by saying can’t you just try to rock her, because I couldn’t see and he was already doing that.

i would never try and imply that, about anyone but especially not him.

i told him i just needed help and a minute away from the crying, that all the baby advice says to ask your partner for help if the crying is too much. I’ve only ever asked him for help with her 2-3 times in the night.

AIBU for being so upset by what he said?

OP posts:
Nearly50omg · 09/09/2025 09:24

He’s a nasty cunt

sandyhappypeople · 09/09/2025 09:27

I'd be really struggling to forgive that to be honest, what an unbelievably shitty thing to say.

No matter what happens, no matter how tired or frustrated or ill parents are, you never make your own child feel bad for existing, I'm sorry OP but that isn't a slip up, that is a window into how he responds when he feels you have upset him.

He would prefer to say something nasty to the child to hurt you... wow.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 09/09/2025 09:28

Cannot believe people are defending him. He said this to make the OP feel bad for waking him up. They are not both tired and being mean to each other. He has only done 2 or 3 nights in 15mths.

The OP is being told to shut the fuck up in different words by him and to let him sleep. Abusive.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2025 09:29

Why has he only got up a few times in the night with her? He needs to be doing it more and then you won't be so exhausted. He isn't helping, he's parenting his own child.

It's a bit rich of him to say that you don't want her if he's only managed a few night wakes with her. Surely according to his logic, that means he never wants her?

I'd be very angry.

lessglittermoremud · 09/09/2025 09:34

You sound exhausted and at the end of your tether, quite rightly after only ever asking for help 2-3 times before.
Firstly you shouldn’t even have to ask for help, any involved Father after hearing their baby distressed and unsettled for that length of time should be getting up to see if there is anything they can do. You BF is no excuse for him not to help….
The few times our children were like this when babies, my DH always used to get up as well, to get the calpol, see if a change of face helped, to strip them down if they had a temp and sit watching a film with them so I could get some respite, or to go for a walk with the pram.
Hes never said I don’t want them, he’s said things like ‘sorry kiddo you’re stuck with me for abit, or Mummy is just doing x-y and she’ll be right back.
At 15 months he should be able to help settle his daughter if he has out the effort in previously, which I sadly suspect he hasn’t… If he hasn’t then I wouldn’t be having any more babies with him, there is literally nothing worse then being on your knees with exhaustion and having a partner who is clueless and uncaring.

Sunnyscribe · 09/09/2025 09:35

How unsupportive! You're doing the nights and he can't step in for 30 mins or so to help you out when you've reached the end of your tether (which by the way is completely normal).

And yes cruel thing to say to the baby. But the baby can't understand and I think it was clearly meant for your ears which is horrible.

MayRecollectionsVary · 09/09/2025 09:36

He was trying to guilt you into taking the baby back.

I hate when people do this and feel really angry for you. I've had similar from an old miserable woman that dh is related to, "your mummy isn't talking to you enough is she?" Said in a passive aggressive way towards me but in a baby voice like she was talking to my baby. Told DH I'd never visit her with our baby again and never have. You absolutely deserve an apology.

Aniedu · 09/09/2025 09:40

in our house we have a cuddle and say ‘sorry for the tired talking’. We aren’t reasonable when we’re tired.

i think you need to ask for help more often or at specific times - before 2am could he do the rocking so you can go straight back to sleep after feeding etc?

also have you tried to night wean? At this age that is reasonable.

IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 09/09/2025 09:44

You both need to grow up and stop snarling at each other. Raising a baby means team work. And things like illnesses get you - that is the time you need to be more united than ever, not less.

rainbowstardrops · 09/09/2025 09:46

He was probably tired but bloody hell, he should absolutely apologise to you! That was a nasty thing to say.
You said you’ve only ever asked him 2-3 times to help in the night, so does that mean that you usually do all the settling at night? I know you said you breastfeed but he can help to settle/change nappies etc.

sittingonabeach · 09/09/2025 09:50

@Aniedu she doesn't have to ask for more help, he needs to parent. We never talk about mums helping when looking after their child, we never talk about mums having to step up, or dads having to ask for more help. He just needs to parent. In 15 months he has only done 2 or 3 night time wakings, absolutely disgusting.

Noshadelamp · 09/09/2025 09:51

The worrying thing is that he said it out of spite (after thinkinf you thought he was thick) but he didn't just take it out on you, which is bad enough, he took it out on the baby.

So he's prepared to use the baby to score points.

If it's just a one off due to both being tired then is let it go, but if it's part of a pattern or becomes a pattern, you both need couples counselling.

MiddlingMarch · 09/09/2025 09:56

I dont think it was necessarily cruel to the baby, ultimately she won't really understand what he meant.

But he was being cruel to you. He was making an unkind point, that you didn't want her (untrue, you needed a break which is understandable) and he wanted you to hear him say it to her.

You need to have a conversation with him about not talking shit about each other to/at your child as it is inappropriate and unkind to them and to whoever is being talked about.

newyearsresolurion · 09/09/2025 10:01

He's not a nice person

Lourdes12 · 09/09/2025 10:04

Givemeachaitealatte · 09/09/2025 01:43

Oh OP I vividly remember those days - painful, long and torturous. Whatever is said in the midst of sleep deprivation trying to get a baby back to sleep can't be taken seriously. If your relationship is generally good please don't take what he said to heart.

Of course what he said wasn't nice and you are well within your rights to be upset but sleep deprivation makes me extra sensitive so come morning reassess. He should be getting up in the night too though, it shouldn't all be on you.

This!

thebabayaga2025 · 09/09/2025 10:05

Is he always an ill tempered arsehole? What he said was cunty and vicious and it just does not matter how tired he was. Horrible thing to say.

sandyhappypeople · 09/09/2025 10:09

MiddlingMarch · 09/09/2025 09:56

I dont think it was necessarily cruel to the baby, ultimately she won't really understand what he meant.

But he was being cruel to you. He was making an unkind point, that you didn't want her (untrue, you needed a break which is understandable) and he wanted you to hear him say it to her.

You need to have a conversation with him about not talking shit about each other to/at your child as it is inappropriate and unkind to them and to whoever is being talked about.

Why should she have to have a 'conversation' with him about not saying spiteful things to his own child?

Things like this annoy the shit out of me, it's not OPs responsibility to teach him how to be a decent human being and father.. no amount of conversations will change who he is as a person, he did it to HURT op, and he used spite against his own child to do it, most people would say 'I'm not stupid you know' or 'don't treat me like a child' not purposely say something mean to their ill, upset child to make OP feel awful.. it's honestly disgusting.

And, no she shouldn't have to ASK that he gets up in the fucking night either, again, if he was a decent person and dad he would be getting up with them to support them, he obviously sees it as her work and OP has already been 'trained' to think that is true.

I'm sorry OP but you're not going to have a great parenting journey with this piece of shit.

Namechangerage · 09/09/2025 10:12

This needs nipping in the bud. I would arrange a trip out to a cafe while you have childcare, make it just the two of you no distractions. Tell him he is not to ever speak like that to your child about you. He sounds emotionally manipulative which is seriously unhealthy for children. If he can’t apologise and accept that what he said is wrong then maybe it’s best to go it alone, seriously.

p.s. It’s completely normal for a breastfeeding mum, who bears the full brunt of night wakings etc, to need a “tap out” once in a while. He needs to suck it up, present a UNITED front as parents and try and use these moments to bond with his bloody daughter. And not just make out that you’re being lazy or whatever.

Namechangerage · 09/09/2025 10:18

MiddlingMarch · 09/09/2025 09:56

I dont think it was necessarily cruel to the baby, ultimately she won't really understand what he meant.

But he was being cruel to you. He was making an unkind point, that you didn't want her (untrue, you needed a break which is understandable) and he wanted you to hear him say it to her.

You need to have a conversation with him about not talking shit about each other to/at your child as it is inappropriate and unkind to them and to whoever is being talked about.

Many 15 month olds would understand “mummy doesn’t want you” I think they are far more perceptive than we give credit for. And even if she didn’t. It won’t be long until she does and he will be in the habit of talking like this….

chattychatchatty · 09/09/2025 10:20

Maybe he is doing the equivalent of loading the dishwasher badly so he doesn’t get asked; he was (consciously or not) being unhelpful so you won’t disturb his sleep again. It is a terrible thing to say but there’s no way your DD will remember it, and every day and night you prove to her with your actions just how much you do want her. Please try not to worry about it. I don’t know what you do about him not being much help, it’s tough.

Namechangerage · 09/09/2025 10:20

sandyhappypeople · 09/09/2025 10:09

Why should she have to have a 'conversation' with him about not saying spiteful things to his own child?

Things like this annoy the shit out of me, it's not OPs responsibility to teach him how to be a decent human being and father.. no amount of conversations will change who he is as a person, he did it to HURT op, and he used spite against his own child to do it, most people would say 'I'm not stupid you know' or 'don't treat me like a child' not purposely say something mean to their ill, upset child to make OP feel awful.. it's honestly disgusting.

And, no she shouldn't have to ASK that he gets up in the fucking night either, again, if he was a decent person and dad he would be getting up with them to support them, he obviously sees it as her work and OP has already been 'trained' to think that is true.

I'm sorry OP but you're not going to have a great parenting journey with this piece of shit.

Show quote history

I agree with you, it shouldn’t be her responsibility. But she can’t just do nothing. So either she dumps him (I would) OR she tells him to get a fucking grip. Otherwise he thinks he’s a-ok acting like a twat.

OreoCookay · 09/09/2025 10:24

It is a really stressful time in a relationship to have a small child (or two) especially when they are ill.

You have to have a pact between you, verbally agreed, that no matter what the time of night or circumstances, you will speak kindly and respectfully to and about each other, and absolutely no other way.

This is really important as it sets the tone of your long term parenting.

Blissker · 09/09/2025 10:26

"I’ve only ever asked him for help with her 2-3 times in the night."

I think this is your biggest problem. How is he not more involved after 15 months?

The rest is words spat out by your "chimp"/emotional brains wen you're on your knees with exhaustion. No one was showing their best side. What was said at a flashpoint is less important than making up and supporting each other day to day.

Redrosesposies · 09/09/2025 10:28

Jeez you posted this at 1am.
You are knackered and touchy. Get off your bloody phone and get some sleep and stop trying to take offence.

MissDoubleU · 09/09/2025 10:33

He’s manipulating you. This is a manipulation tactic.

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