To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

Pitch perfect OP 👏👏👏

I am so proud of you! I was bullied too, and it has left me with deep physical and emotional scars as well. I came back to say that you don’t owe her healing and she doesn’t deserve to feel better. Hopefully she’s going to feel a modicum of pain as a result of your answer.

Just read your updates. Good for you OP and I am glad you have replied and said what you have. It now feels like someone who contacted you out of the blue, trying to guilt you into forgiving them, has got their just returns, and you have denied them this.

Ignoring her request as some have said, would have made you feel like she was still the one in control and you the one owing her a reply, so I agree you have done the right thing. You were honest and factual and kept it to that.

I don’t believe an actual therapist told her to contact her abuse victim.

Your guilt over the way you treated me or fear for your own child having similar is not my problem and you were disgustingly awful. Don’t contact me again.

@Yesitismeandiamcomingforyou my bully is an alcoholic and a gambler, has never worked or had a family and generally appears to lead a miserable existence.
I encountered him once as a young adult coming home on the bus from a night out and he still tried to verbally abuse me even then, about 5 years after we'd both left school.
During lockdown he was in the local news for spitting at a police officer and claiming he was going to give them COVID.
Last time I saw him he was blackout drunk falling over in the street at 1pm on a Wednesday and looked physically wrecked.
I have a lovely life.
Maybe I'm an awful person but I have absolutely zero sympathy for him, he was a horrible child who grew into a horrible adult and he has the life he deserves.

Well done OP. Move on.
Let her wallow in the reality of her actions, it's not your job to let her off the hook.

You'd be surprised. You don't have to be a psychiatrist to work as a therapist in the UK and you find a lot of those low level therapists can be total morons.

Hard no from me i would take your sisters advice and ignore. Engaging with her gives her what she wants and needs evenif you dont give her forgiveness the affect she imparted is still.there its sending you spiraling to those years and you dont deserve that you put up with so much and you fought your way to feeling important in your life which if anything to go by from my experience one big feeling is not feeling good enough.
Don't get me wrong my bullies weren't half as bad as your 1 what you experienced from the little you have shared sounds horrific and the fact you got through it have pushed yourself forward to be successful have a family is tantamount to you and your resilience. You risk undoing all of that to what give her closure. Make her feel better. Give her a chance to think it won't happen to her kid now as she was forgiven? Don't get me wrong I hope it doesn't happen to her kid as her kid may not be as strong as you and noone deserves to be bullied.
It's great she realises she was wrong nothing excuses it as an individual even if home life is shit you should know right from wrong the fact she is now an adult with her own kid only just realising that is not your issue.
Delete her message enjoy your life and family and know you are strong and though I dont know you probably amazing because you didn't let it impact you and empathetic because you are considering engaging. But remember you owe nothing to anybody you are in charge of you and your life.

If that impacts her then tough maybe she will then teach her children to be better people because that is the main issue with society, too many people are to quick to judge and ridicule others instead of leaving be or lifting up or supporting and if we were all just that little bit nicer then maybe just maybe the world would be a better place to live instead of the world wide chaos its becoming.

Bless you. I am not surprised her message left you reeling and you are wise to sit on it and feel no hurry to make a decision over whether or how to respond.

You do not owe her anything. You certainly don't owe her closure or any sense that her guilt can be lifted. In your shoes I would never want to see her again. If I did reply, I wouldn't forgive her, but I would outline briefly the way she caused you anxiety at the time - the vomiting, anxiety and the impact hat had on your ability to have a normal childhood. How you hid how bad it was from your friends to protect them. How you ultimately overcame it and that you are now happily married and enjoying being a mother and having a successful career. You hadn't thought about her for years and have no desire to revisit those experiences.

I bet it wasn't a therapist. I bet she's in Alcoholics Anonymous and was doing that step where they make amends. Her sponsor would have encouraged her to do that. When they get sober and realise all the damage they've done they think all they have to do is say sorry and it makes it right. It doesn't.

I have only ready your messages OP, not the full thread, but I am glad you got the chance to stand up to your bully, have the final say and ultimately control the narrative.

Just to put forward - I have had clients say that I told them to do thing in therapy which I have not. Sometimes people hear what they want to hear, not what is actually said. So the therapist may be innocent here.

That reply is absolutely perfect @whattheheckkk

Sounds like it's about her you forgive so her conscience is eased.
I wouldn't even reply leave it at that saying nothing says a lot.
You are obviously still feeling triggered by this bullying so close the door on her and keep living your life pay no more attention to this person x

Good for you OP.

😂 You need to RTFT @Tuesdayschild50 the OP's reply to the bully said way more than saying nothing ever could.

Good choice!

Now focus on you and your wonderful family and your successful happy life. The fruits of being a good person.

She doesn't feel awful about it, though. She just wants to do what her therapist has told her to, for whatever reason. If she really is seeing a therapist. If she felt awful she wouldn't have done it in the first place - she didn't have a conscience and hasn't suddenly grown one now. I was bullied mercilessly at primary school, so I know how it feels.

Great response, firm but fair.

@whattheheckkk

I think you deserve a standing ovation for that response!

Well done for standing up for teenage you. She would be very proud of who you've become 💐

No I wouldn’t respond or if I did it would be to say that I didn’t forgive and why. In life you make decisions and then you live with the consequences. It’s not your job to make this ok for her.

Perfect response OP. Now block and forget about her.

Good for you

Since she was a child at the time, I would extend her the courtesy of a response.

X, I have received your message. I don't feel able to forgive you. Please don't contact me again.

That way she will know where she stands and that's as much kindness as you can show her.

i think something like this, polite but firm, is the best way forward.

I would reply and tell her exactly how she made her feel and tell her that you don’t forgive her and that maybe if her child goes through even half of what you went through then maybe she’ll really understand what she put you through. She’s doing this for herself, not for you.