To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

I commented that you should not reply.

Having read your comment, I have changed my mind! Excellent post and I am glad you sent it👍

Pick a windae Gemma, yer leavin'

Leave her on read and never reply. You don't owe her anything, and it's not your job to make her feel better about her life.

excellent response! Well done OP!

Excellent response

It’s certainly a strange thing for a therapist to suggest, as a trained therapist would surely know it would be triggering for a bullying victim to hear from their bully. And what you went through was particularly awful.

There was a girl at the private convent school I went to who bullied me all the way through my time there. It was verbal abuse and getting me into trouble, she was sly rather than scary, but she would never leave me alone.

In the end I did forgive her, when a couple of years later I heard that her mum had been ill with cancer right through school and had subsequently died. I felt compassion for her then (though it helped that she was no longer bullying me).

However, I wouldn’t want to hear from her and I don’t think I’d reply if I did. I’m no longer angry, but I want to leave it in the past. (Along with the rest of my abusive childhood.)

You should respond in the way that’s best for you, OP. You owe her nothing.

This thread has really made me think. I was bullied from the age of 10 until I left secondary school for sixth form college, and it has blighted my life. I was having suicidal thoughts at age 14, and I have depression and low self esteem - I will be on anti depressants for the rest of my life. I have tried to come off the medication in the past, but always end up in the black pit again, so I’m never risking that again.

So how would I feel if any of the kids who bullied me - or any of the ones that just stood back and let it happen - reached out to me like your bully has, @whattheheckkk - I genuinely don’t know. I would like to have the opportunity to tell them how much damage they did to me, to explain how much pain they have caused me - but would I be able to forgive them? I’m not sure.

I have tried to forgive them, for myself - none of them have reached out to me or apologised or acknowledged the hurt they caused, but I felt I needed to try to let go of the hurt from back then. I don’t think I have succeeded completely, and I do think that, of any of them did approach me, I could well feel all that hurt all over again, and I’d struggle to be kind to them. I suspect that ‘polite’ is the best I’d manage.

It does sound as if your bully isn’t thinking of you, or of trying to undo any of the hurt she caused, @whattheheckkk - this is all about her, so I think you have every right not to forgive her.

I haven't read other people's replies but I instantly was struck that she thinks you should forgive her (wtf??)
If you decide to reply I probably would say something along the lines of "Though I have no reason nor wish to forgive what you did, I do accept the apology I hope and expect lies behind your clumsy statement of asking for forgiveness.
I can imagine that thinking the same thing could happen to your child is scary but do you really think I am the right person to confide in?"
Why on earth is she expecting forgiveness, understanding and sympathy from you of all people? You have done enough.

I truly dislike the forgiveness message. It's a namby pambyism and it puts the onus of responsibility onto the victim. We are taught (especially women) that anger is bad, that it erodes you. Conversely, it's an important phase. Anger is healthy. Having been bullied like this, you can feel as angry as you damned well please.

No one stays angry for ever. At some point you're going to run out of steam. You can still work though that and eventually let go of the past without feeling under pressure to 'forgive'.

I'll never forgive my abusive father or my two violent rapists. Or the two teachers who sexually bullied me in my secondary school. I've made a better life for myself, it's all behind me, I've had EMDR therapy and am busy living a happy and contented life without wallowing in bitterness. In fact, this abuse was actually the driver for making me want to do better with my life (this was down to me; the credit does not belong with my attackers). But forgive those people? No. Fuck that.

I resent the narrative that tells me to forgive; that it's all for me and my own peace of mind. I've found peace in spite of these people and they have no power or control over my life. That's all that is necessary.

Some things really are unforgiveable.

OP your reply to your bully was awesome - what an incredible person you are. I just wanted to say that.

This is an absolutely wonderful response. You should be very proud of yourself. I love that big you has stood up for little you. I hope this also gives you some closure too. What a traumatic thing to have to relive and deal with. You’ve handled this amazingly well.

Good on you! Great that you had an opportunity after all these years to put her well and truly in her place! I can’t stand bullies .

Wow OP. You are an absolute star and your message about watching out for kids so important! Hope a weight has lifted.

Well done - very occasionally I wonder what I'd do if I bumped into the girl who used to bully me and now I know, I'd do what you did.
Although I'd probably include the "Fuck you Angela" bit 😂

Great response OP! I hope you feel lighter today and can sleep better tonight. Teenage you would hopefully feel very proud!!

Id respond and say although you appreciate the message you are not part of her healing journey. Her behaviour is for her to own and not your responsibility to make her feel better at your expense.

Then block

OP your response was brilliant. Now you deserve to put this to bed and get on with your wonderful life.

sending love x x

Good for you @whattheheckkk your reply was brilliant considering what she did to you.

Her message to you was purely for her own selfish reasons she clearly didn't give one thought about how you might feel to hear from her after all these years otherwise she wouldn't have dared to contact you in the first place she's a self absorbed cheeky fucker who just wants to be absolved from taking any accountability for her vicious and nasty behaviour.

As for her therapist apparently advising her to contact you is either a bullshit excuse or she has minimised her behaviour to her therapist and not told them the full truth or the extent of her abusive behaviour.

I was also badly bullied in school too a little physical occaisionally but it was mostly mental. The girl who started it was a sly bitch she was careful not to do it to extremes but encouraged others to do it for her. I was given a really cruel nickname by one of the lads in my class and she thought it was so amusing she told everyone in class about it and that nickname stuck with me for 4 years until the day I left school everytime I was called that name I felt so humiliated it destroyed my self esteem.

She also made it clear to everyone that being friendly with me would mean they would also be a pariah. I was isolated and had no friends because of that for 3 years, she used to also humiliate me with taunts and she got a real kick out of everyone else bullying me. Ironically she then fell out with the class hard nut (the only person who was ok with me) and moved out of my class quickly. She later stopped all her bullying when she found out who my cousin was (my cousin was one of the popular kids) and she started being nice to me because she desperately wanted to be part of the popular kids and had the audacity to ask me to put in a word with my cousin, I basically told her I would do no such thing and actually told my cousin what a nasty little bitch she was, my cousin wanted to defend me but I persuaded her not to because I didn't want her getting into trouble so in the end my cousin basically ignored her.

If that nasty bitch or any of my other bullies contacted me apologising my reply wouldn't be as polite as yours was, I'd be to telling them to fuck off and live with their alleged 'guilt' because its too late for apologies they made my life a misery and tormented me relentlessly and took great pleasure in doing so. I had a pretty bad home life at the time and I didn't have one friend for 3 years of secondary school and I was so lonely and very isolated and all because nasty people got pleasure from bullying me whilst those who didn't treated me like a pariah out of fear of being tarred with the same brush as I was.

I hope your reply made you feel better OP and hopefully that vicious bitch will leave you alone now. Her nerve to ask your forgiveness so she can "close that chapter" in her life is unbelievable and the excuses of having a bad home life don't wash with me when bullies use it, I had a bad home life too and I didn't bully people because of it. Bullies in my experience bully because they get pleasure out of it, it makes them feel good and powerful about themselves and they don't deserve forgiveness they deserve a taste of their own nasty medicine because they sure as hell wouldn't like it if someone did it to them or god forbid their child.

Even if Gemma does post the OPs response it on her social media, she's outing herself as having been a nasty bully when she was younger, so I don't think the OP has anything to lose.

And if my child was friends with Gemmas child, I'd try to ease off on the friendship, as I wouldn't want my child having anything to do with Gemma at all - and to be honest, I'd worry that her child could learn to be agressive from her mum.

OP, so glad you got to draw a line under this - childhood bullying is so damaging. Unfortunately my bully was my brother, but I'm finally NC with him, which is fantastic.

I don't beleive she was in actual therapy. I beleive she is a member of the AA or alanon

I am sorry you went through such an awful experience. Do or don't do whatever works best for you.

There is something quite selfish about her reaching out to you and reviving your trauma in order to bring closure for herself. On a positive, good that she has done some thinking and realised the pain she caused you.

As the mother of a daughter who was bullied at secondary school so badly that I had to physically stop her from self harming with a razor blade.....it would be a massive no.
In fact it would be a massive " Fuck off! I don't owe you anything. I hope your child never feels the way my daughter felt when she was relentlessly tortured by people like you at school'

As the mother of a daughter who was bullied at secondary school so badly that I had to physically stop her from self harming with a razor blade.....it would be a massive no.
In fact it would be a massive " Fuck off! I don't owe you anything. I hope your child never feels the way my daughter felt when she was relentlessly tortured by people like you at school'

It's awful when you're taken by surprise. You don't know what you'd do if you weren't given the opportunity to have a think about it, like ypu are with a message.

I was selling some toddler item on Facebook, years ago when my son was small. The buyer, an older bloke, said he was sending his daughter round to collect it.

I ended up opening the door to find one of my worst bullies standing on my doorstep. I was utterly shocked and horrified to see her there, at my home.

I just shoved the item at her, took the money and closed the door.

I don't think she recognised me or twigged at all.

Exact same thing happened at Halloween when another bully (not a really bad one but she did slap me round the face after being egged on by the bad ones) I opened the door to find her there, trick or treating with her child. I quickly smiled at the kid, handed him some sweets and closed the door. Luckily. She didn't come the next year.

This is a really good point. You're the one bringing your fucking kid up, Gemma - they're more likely to be a bully than a victim. Sort your shit out and make sure that doesn't happen.

So proud of you, OP. Have the life you deserve (sounds like Gemma is, too).