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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H and pressure to breastfeed

80 replies

westartfires · 08/09/2025 19:51

Although my LO is now 3, I’m having trouble coming to terms with how my H treated me around breastfeeding. I wonder if I might benefit from some therapy. Now my LO is older am I’m back at work I’m feeling more empowered and getting really angry about how he treated me and don’t want him to touch me.

He put so much pressure on me to keep feeding. Technically everything was going well on paper - no issues with supply, baby gaining weight, etc. But the whole process was causing my so much anxiety I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t relax, it was just too much. Honestly it’s making me anxious just writing this out.

The doctor said since my anxiety was so severe I should just quit breastfeeding and start antidepressants, but my H overrode her opinion and pretty much told me not to do that - but to keep feeding. I was feeling really low and vulnerable and I feel kind of embarrassed to say I did what he asked for another month or so until I hit complete breaking point.

If he caught me giving her formula he would shout at me and shame me, making me feel like a complete failure. He was working from home at the time to supposedly offer support but he just made everything worse.

Although I did eventually stop and take the antidepressants in spite of his bullying, I feel like his pressure in those early months robbed me from enjoying my time with my LO and has destroyed my trust in him. I haven’t wanted to share a bed with him since, and the intimacy of our marriage is virtually nonexistent. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
TravelPanic · 08/09/2025 19:54

I exclusively BF both my babies and I can truthfully say your husband is an arse. It’s your body and he has NO right to control what you do with it. As long as your baby was fed, that’s all that matters. I don’t blame you for being angry with him.

have you discussed your feelings with him more recently? Do you want to save the marriage or is it too late for that?

TheTwitcher11 · 08/09/2025 19:54

westartfires · 08/09/2025 19:51

Although my LO is now 3, I’m having trouble coming to terms with how my H treated me around breastfeeding. I wonder if I might benefit from some therapy. Now my LO is older am I’m back at work I’m feeling more empowered and getting really angry about how he treated me and don’t want him to touch me.

He put so much pressure on me to keep feeding. Technically everything was going well on paper - no issues with supply, baby gaining weight, etc. But the whole process was causing my so much anxiety I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t relax, it was just too much. Honestly it’s making me anxious just writing this out.

The doctor said since my anxiety was so severe I should just quit breastfeeding and start antidepressants, but my H overrode her opinion and pretty much told me not to do that - but to keep feeding. I was feeling really low and vulnerable and I feel kind of embarrassed to say I did what he asked for another month or so until I hit complete breaking point.

If he caught me giving her formula he would shout at me and shame me, making me feel like a complete failure. He was working from home at the time to supposedly offer support but he just made everything worse.

Although I did eventually stop and take the antidepressants in spite of his bullying, I feel like his pressure in those early months robbed me from enjoying my time with my LO and has destroyed my trust in him. I haven’t wanted to share a bed with him since, and the intimacy of our marriage is virtually nonexistent. Am I overreacting?

No you’re not overreacting and he probably clocked that as long as you were breastfeeding, he wouldn’t be required to help so much (though decent people would find other ways to help, dickheads look for any reason to skive!)

zaazaazoom · 08/09/2025 19:56

How dare he.
I honestly would leave. No wonder you felt like shit. So sorry you went through that.

Shoxfordian · 08/09/2025 19:57

He had no right to treat you like that, of course its damaged your relationship

SaladMum562 · 08/09/2025 19:59

Your DH is a bully and horrible.

It's very very common to come out of the baby/toddler years , go back to work and say fuck it, you survived the hardest time without his support, now you have some freedom and clearer head you might as well get rid of him.

Lots of people in my social / work circle with kids ages 4-7 are on the brink of divorce or separated. Every single one of the men in those couples were useless shits and it was obvious to everyone around them and now their wives can see it too.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 08/09/2025 20:00

Awful, He is narrow minded and aggressive. He needs to apologise, he needs counselling to learn from his mistakes, work on why he thought it was his place to bully you, that's if you want to continue with the marriage.

PinkyFlamingo · 08/09/2025 20:01

How can you ever have a loving relationship ever again with someone who has treated you like this? Shouting at you and trying to shame you for using formula is bad enough without the added fact he clearly didn't care about your mental health as you couldn't start the antidepressants. How dare he, you're not just a feeling machine you're a human being!

SandyY2K · 08/09/2025 20:01

I don't see any coming back from this. I may have suggested couple's therapy, but your husband is bully, so not really advisable.

You're rightfully resentful and hurt.

Where do you go from here?

SaladMum562 · 08/09/2025 20:02

TheTwitcher11 · 08/09/2025 19:54

No you’re not overreacting and he probably clocked that as long as you were breastfeeding, he wouldn’t be required to help so much (though decent people would find other ways to help, dickheads look for any reason to skive!)

Show quote history

Yeah a friend of mine has a husband exactly like that. Her baby is 5 months old and she has never been able to leave the baby with him. He refuses to have the baby as she's breastfeeding and baby might be hungry. He also simultaneously preaches about how formula is evil. My poor friend had the most horrible case of mastitis and their baby has had weight issues all her life and he won't let her give even a bottle of formula.

OnTheRoof · 08/09/2025 20:04

What a disgusting arsehole.

Original poster
westartfires · 08/09/2025 20:04

Thanks for the solidarity ladies. Yes I fear we are on the way out of our relationship now. I don’t see a way forward from it really.

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 08/09/2025 20:06

I’m so sorry OP. As others have said, your body your choice. A well mum is far more important than breastfeeding, especially if feeding affects your mental health. What a prick.

TheTwitcher11 · 08/09/2025 20:06

SaladMum562 · 08/09/2025 20:02

Yeah a friend of mine has a husband exactly like that. Her baby is 5 months old and she has never been able to leave the baby with him. He refuses to have the baby as she's breastfeeding and baby might be hungry. He also simultaneously preaches about how formula is evil. My poor friend had the most horrible case of mastitis and their baby has had weight issues all her life and he won't let her give even a bottle of formula.

Show quote history

That’s horrendous! I know a few women with similar stories - the ‘anti-formula’ trope is usually just a control tactic!

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/09/2025 20:07

He's disgusting and I think now that you're feeling more like yourself again, you need to leave him. You deserve better.

PragmaticIsh · 08/09/2025 20:08

He has used your body and controlled you. That is disgusting behaviour when you were very vulnerable.

Mutability · 08/09/2025 20:08

What a shitty husband you have.

I chose to ebf ours but it was my decision and mine alone. My husband supported me in any choice I made.

Maray1967 · 08/09/2025 20:11

I didn’t bf mine, and both are strappingly healthy young men. Your H is a moron.

Aside from DV cases, I don’t think I have read anything more disturbing about how a man has treated his post partum wife. If he was in my house right now he would not get out unharmed.

Elektra1 · 08/09/2025 20:11

I had the opposite problem with my last child: I didn’t want to stop BF and my ex wanted me to stop. I ended up feeding the baby in secret (I stopped by the time she was one, I’m not an extended BF-er I just wanted to stop when it felt right). We’re divorced now. Other reasons. But I think that sort of disconnect or one person’s wishes dominating the relationship is a fairly toxic environment.

Letsgoroundagainnow · 08/09/2025 20:11

westartfires · 08/09/2025 20:04

Thanks for the solidarity ladies. Yes I fear we are on the way out of our relationship now. I don’t see a way forward from it really.

Good, I’m glad you feel like that.

He deserves to be divorced……. Arsehole!!

arcticpandas · 08/09/2025 20:13

What a useless arsehole! A normal person would say that your mental health is paramount and if you need antidepressants or if you just feel anxious breastfeeding then stop! I was on antidepressants in order to be the best mum possible to my sons. They were not breastfeed but they were fed, loved and tended to by a mother who wasn't going under by depression. I can't believe that he could be so insensitive, cruel and ignorant.

Is there other things he does as well to make you feel as if your needs are not important?

Lavender14 · 08/09/2025 20:15

'If he caught me giving her formula he would shout at me and shame me'

This is abuse and completely unacceptable. I bf my lo for 2 years and I'm very pro breastfeeding but I'm 100% pro a womans right to choose what's best for her baby, her body and her family and i think formula is a completely acceptable alternative to breastfeeding if someone doesn't want to/ isn't able to do that for whatever the reason. Noone else should get to dictate that either in favour of breast feeding or formula feeding. I'm so sorry you had that experience op. His behaviour is utterly unreasonable, there's absolutely no good reason for him to feel the need to shout at you and it sounds like you were having a really hard time and needed support you didn't get from him. I agree with others that it sounds like he was using feeding as a means to control you. Does he show other controlling traits? I think it would be important to talk to people in real life about how he's treating you so they can support you.

Original poster
westartfires · 08/09/2025 20:16

His controlling behaviour definitely got worse after having a baby. He does have a short temper - he has really embarrassed me by shouting at people about inane things in public before. Then if I get upset it’s obviously my problem 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
westartfires · 08/09/2025 20:18

Btw I really appreciate the support here - thank you!

OP posts:
TheTwitcher11 · 08/09/2025 20:19

westartfires · 08/09/2025 20:16

His controlling behaviour definitely got worse after having a baby. He does have a short temper - he has really embarrassed me by shouting at people about inane things in public before. Then if I get upset it’s obviously my problem 🙄

I hope you can leave him!

Nestingbirds · 08/09/2025 20:20

Please really consider leaving - your message shocked me. Your baby is also growing up in the most frightening environment.
You poor love. No one should ever endure that. I have bottle fed, my dh championed me no end. That is normal. Being forced to breast feed would have only made things worse. It was breast feeding first, next it will be food, school, friends, housework, the way you look - it will never stop. He is an abuser.

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