H and pressure to breastfeed

[westartfires]

Although my LO is now 3, I’m having trouble coming to terms with how my H treated me around breastfeeding. I wonder if I might benefit from some therapy. Now my LO is older am I’m back at work I’m feeling more empowered and getting really angry about how he treated me and don’t want him to touch me.

He put so much pressure on me to keep feeding. Technically everything was going well on paper - no issues with supply, baby gaining weight, etc. But the whole process was causing my so much anxiety I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t relax, it was just too much. Honestly it’s making me anxious just writing this out.

The doctor said since my anxiety was so severe I should just quit breastfeeding and start antidepressants, but my H overrode her opinion and pretty much told me not to do that - but to keep feeding. I was feeling really low and vulnerable and I feel kind of embarrassed to say I did what he asked for another month or so until I hit complete breaking point.

If he caught me giving her formula he would shout at me and shame me, making me feel like a complete failure. He was working from home at the time to supposedly offer support but he just made everything worse.

Although I did eventually stop and take the antidepressants in spite of his bullying, I feel like his pressure in those early months robbed me from enjoying my time with my LO and has destroyed my trust in him. I haven’t wanted to share a bed with him since, and the intimacy of our marriage is virtually nonexistent. Am I overreacting?

Easier to do it whilst they are younger when they are none the wiser.

This is awful I am so sorry he did this to you, what a fucking bully and how dare he talk to you and shame you like that… please leave him xx

I’m sorry OP, you were really let down by those closest to you who should have been your support network. I know you know this already but just know, taking those tablets was not ‘weak’.. it was incredibly strong. It takes a lot of strength to admit when you need help and to go out there and get it. Both your husband and mums actions were not normal.. I applaud you for recognising that and taking action for yourself and child. Your child is extremely lucky to have you and you should be proud of yourself. X

Thank you. I’ve been made to feel terrible for taking medication for long enough really xxx

I hope she finds the strength to do what she feels is right.

He wants the baby breastfed? He can crack on then, can't he?

Oh. Wait.

Wow. My husband always tried to get me to start using a bit of formula so that he could be more involved and give me a bit of respite....

They all need to step away from your choices.

Awful

BF is a personal decision and journey.

Your DH was an arse. He had no right to dictate how you fed her. And I think its abusive to have encouraged you to not take medication your GP advised you needed because it interfered with his preference for you to EBF.

You know what a child needs more than EBF? A healthy, mummy who feels mentally and emotionally as well and stable as possible. Your mental health was important to your wellbeing, your child's comfort and security and your growing bond. And risked those things because he thought he knew better than you and the Dr?!?!

He sounds hideous. Im so sorry OP

I chose a partner like my aggressive and controlling father, without realising it too. I've been a single parent for many years now, and the relief of having a home without that energy is everything. I hope you find a space for yourself and your child that is peaceful.

You are doing brilliant. Your baby needs the version of you thats well. No one would say this to you if you were taking medication for a physical condition. You work with your GP and use medical advice from the medical professional to inform your decisions.

Your mum is allowed to not understand mental health, DH is allowed to think BF is good for babies, and EBF best. But it doesnt make it fact. You do have a mental health illness and unfortunately it means DD will need some formular. Their opinions dont have bearing on your choices

Those are their opinions. And opinions are like mixtapes. No-one wants to hear theirs

I’ve written about this before. My cousin was reviled by the maternity team for not breastfeeding. Her baby wasn’t getting enough by being ebf, he was dehydrated to the point of having a stroke, despite the midwife saying all was well. The midwife has been struck off. If you want to feed formula, you go with it.

I can’t comment on breast feeding as I exclusively formula fed, but I wanted to show solidarity for taking anti d’s. I’m appalled a loved one tried to shame you for taking them. You needed them, you were prescribed them, you took them. Feel NO shame.

Thank you all so much for the kind words xxx

Thank you x

Oh yes the breast feeding mafia - it’s so awful to pressure women if they can’t do it for whatever reason

At a meeting with other mums, they wouldn't let her have a biscuit because she wasn't bf. Nurses! Absolutely disgusting.

Fascinating. I’m glad women are waking up.

But OP get some kind of counseling because being angry ain’t great for you.

I came off antidepressants just before I got pregnant and had a very anxious pregnancy. When my DD was born, I struggled to produce enough milk despite expressing regularly, so she was partially formula-fed from the beginning. Then, when she was nearly four months old, I followed my GP's recommendation to give up breast-feeding and go back on the anti-depressants.

I felt guilty about it, but looking back, it was for the best. I'm glad that my family were supportive. Yours sound awful and I don't think you're overreacting. My DD is 7 now and healthcare professionals never ask if she was breastfed. They never ask if I was breastfed either. It doesn't seem to be very relevant in the long-term.

By the way, I used to think my DM must be proud to have exclusively breastfed her two children. To my surprise, she once said she wished she had given us formula top-ups, as we were both small for our age and she doesn't think we got enough milk. There are always opportunities for mums to feel guilty!

I am utterly, utterly horrified at the abuse you’ve suffered from your husband and your mother.

What they said and did is genuinely despicable.

I didn’t think much could shock me anymore but that truly has.

Bottle feeding was hand on heart, for me, the best thing I ever did! I could not stand breast feeding - and my mood, mental health, my ability to be a full and present mother really started the minute I no longer had to put myself through it. I enjoyed my baby, I felt so very close to her because I was mothering on my own terms.

We can each choose what suits us and our babies best, we know what works and what doesn’t. To raise our children with thought and care. For me organic milk offered me a way out of the very dark hole of breastfeeding 247, almost a shadow of my former self. It was wonderful!

Throughout DD’s life you will be making many decisions for her, whilst she is so little, and you need to find your voice. To exercise your right to parent her as you see fit. You are her best and only advocate.

Maybe going low contact with your mother, she should be kept well away from your child and from you as far as humanely possible. Getting support via trusted friends and family, and reaching out to a counsellor to explore how you intend to live the rest of your life is the best course of action op.

There is so much support out there in real life when you are ready - you just need to start telling people how difficult things have become at home.

You can’t get over it, because it is the very essence of cruelty, and I imagine it’s left you feeling very unsafe with him.

This is a particularly disturbing read OP, and I’m a lifelong witness to the conduct of a controlling man with a short temper. When I was about five he was screaming at my mum. An old woman passing shook her head and called out ‘leave him, hen.’
He shouted at her for the next four decades.

One weekend earlier this year he took a tantrum over nothing and walked out of her ward. She asked if I thought he was controlling. I laughed and said ‘I don’t think anyone could argue with that.’ Then she asked if I thought she’d put up with too much. It was the conversation I’d been waiting for my whole life. But who’s going to tell a dying woman that, yes, looks like you did. So I said ‘maybe you just did what you had to do, in the circumstances.’ And she shook her head, like it wasn’t the answer she wanted. The NHS were dragging their heels about where they’d put her, she spoke about how he didn’t want carers in the house, couldn’t cope with the ‘intrusion’. I said if they couldn’t find her a hospice she could come and live with us. She said ‘he wouldn’t allow it.’ When I replied, ‘but is it up to him?’ she looked genuinely surprised. We spoke the rest of the afternoon and evening about how we’d work it all out with carers and hoists and ramps and she seemed content.

The next day she failed, and the next, she died. I carry a lot of guilt. You sound resigned, but in case you waver, as a wise woman once said - leave him, hen.

So he’s a complete lazy arse bully who wanted you to breastfeed just so he didn’t have to help with anything. There is absolutely no shame in taking antidepressants you needed them and you needed support from your family not judgement.

No woman should be shamed into bf or shamed because of bf. Nor should anyone ever be shames for taking steps to help their mental health.

I bf 2 children (extended as well) I believe women should be supported for bf but that it has to be right for mum and for baby and fundementality it's the mums choice.

Get your ducks in a row OP, photograph copies of financial info, pensions, bank accounts if you can OP. Then get rid!

I am a big advocate for breastfeeding...if that's what the mother wants to do. Your husband's behaviour was awful and abusive. It might be worth speaking to an organisation like women's aid.

If the intimacy is gone then your marriage is doomed anyway, as he’ll get it elsewhere. I think it’s time to cut your losses.