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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

H and pressure to breastfeed

80 replies

westartfires · 08/09/2025 19:51

Although my LO is now 3, I’m having trouble coming to terms with how my H treated me around breastfeeding. I wonder if I might benefit from some therapy. Now my LO is older am I’m back at work I’m feeling more empowered and getting really angry about how he treated me and don’t want him to touch me.

He put so much pressure on me to keep feeding. Technically everything was going well on paper - no issues with supply, baby gaining weight, etc. But the whole process was causing my so much anxiety I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t relax, it was just too much. Honestly it’s making me anxious just writing this out.

The doctor said since my anxiety was so severe I should just quit breastfeeding and start antidepressants, but my H overrode her opinion and pretty much told me not to do that - but to keep feeding. I was feeling really low and vulnerable and I feel kind of embarrassed to say I did what he asked for another month or so until I hit complete breaking point.

If he caught me giving her formula he would shout at me and shame me, making me feel like a complete failure. He was working from home at the time to supposedly offer support but he just made everything worse.

Although I did eventually stop and take the antidepressants in spite of his bullying, I feel like his pressure in those early months robbed me from enjoying my time with my LO and has destroyed my trust in him. I haven’t wanted to share a bed with him since, and the intimacy of our marriage is virtually nonexistent. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

Original poster

westartfires · 08/09/2025 20:20

The other problem is my parents agreed with him about the breastfeeding. It was awful. My mum in particular took the antidepressants away from me. I really had to find my anger to get the help I needed. And I didn’t feel like myself again until I started on the medication. My mum still judges me for taking it.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/09/2025 20:21

I think you should break up

LynetteScavo · 08/09/2025 20:21

How fucking dare your DH tell you what to do with your body!

Cinai · 08/09/2025 20:22

The same happened to me! He stood next to me with a stopwatch when I breastfed and then kept lecturing me that other women breastfeed much longer per feed or over a day. I tried to explain how much stress it caused me (I had supply issues) and how I’d love switching to formula but he wouldn’t listen. I eventually stopped but our relationship never recovered. I want to leave but I feel I need to wait until my baby is a little older.

Venturini · 08/09/2025 20:23

I'm so sorry OP. That is completely unforgivable abusive behaviour. It's also one of the most upsetting things I've read on here short of domestic violence in the postpartum period. I hope you can leave ASAP.

Nestingbirds · 08/09/2025 20:24

Do you have other forms of support, your parents don’t sound much better op. I am so sorry - you deserved to be looked after. Not berated and forced.

Original poster

westartfires · 08/09/2025 20:27

I have my sister nearby who is amazing, and my brother. And friends too, but they don’t know the full story.

OP posts:

Venturini · 08/09/2025 20:28

westartfires · 08/09/2025 20:20

I'm so sorry. I don't think I would be able to forgive that kind of treatment from my parents. I would have to go low contact/no contact. Well done on getting through it and prioritising your health and well-being when no one else would.

Lavender14 · 08/09/2025 20:28

Your mum sounds unhinged.

I think a good starting point would be to try and get a 1-1 with your health visitor or gp without your husband there and discuss what's happening and get some support. It sounds like you're in a really vulnerable position with a lot of very controlling people around you and that's not a good place to be with a small baby.

Do you have any friends you can lean on for support? You could speak to womens aid for support as well.

Coffersmat · 08/09/2025 20:29

WTF have I read.
Please contact me aid.
I think this is Coercive control and should be reported to the police.
You need advice and support.
He is controlling abusive scum.
As for your mother?
I would strongly suggest no further contact and report her too.

Taking your prescribed medication away from you?
Coercive control too.

You poor woman. Get advice. Tell the truth about them.
This is so beyond shocking.
I am so sorry.

Velvian · 08/09/2025 20:30

Im so sorry for what you went through, with your mum too. I think women are so vulnerable after giving birth and sometimes there is a queue of the people that are supposed to love you the most waiting to trample and control you.

I hope you can do what is right for you and build a great life with your DC away from that control.

CoffeeCup14 · 08/09/2025 20:31

I am so sorry you've experienced this. Shaming you and shouting at you are absolutely unacceptable. If your mum is also trying to override your wishes about your own health, it's likely you've been brought up to acquiesce to what other people think you should do. It would definitely be helpful to talk this through with someone because there's a risk of you internalising shame at complying with your husband's demands.

When I started reading your post, I wondered if it was miguided encouragement to keep breastfeeding - if breastfeeding is hard but a mum wants to persist, a bit of encouragement to persevere can sometimes be helpful. However, it quite quickly became obvious that your experience is completely different.

I hope the antidepressants are helping. Having a baby and being responsible for it can be a huge adjustment. I really struggled, but it did get better.

Original poster

westartfires · 08/09/2025 20:33

Thank you everyone I’m actually crying reading some of these replies but it’s very validating.

OP posts:

Nestingbirds · 08/09/2025 20:38

westartfires · 08/09/2025 20:27

I have my sister nearby who is amazing, and my brother. And friends too, but they don’t know the full story.

Would you consider sharing with them what has happened? How it felt? Maybe even a counsellor op? So you can realy gather some proper support. I fear you have already been through a great deal you haven’t actually written on here.
You have MN, and it’s a blessing when you need this kind of support.

NotAMessiahJustAVeryNaughtyBoy · 08/09/2025 20:38

I’m not surprised you’re angry. You have every reason to be angry. Who the actual fuck does he think he is, laying down the law on whether someone else chooses to breastfeed?

What is he like as a husband other than this? What is he like as a person? Honestly? Because I’d bet my house this isn’t the one, single thing he’s been an arsehole about in all the time you’ve known him.

Topjoe19 · 08/09/2025 20:39

I'm horrified for you OP. He should've had your back when that was going on, not bullying you. If it was the other way around, you wouldn't have behaved that way.

I'm sorry about your mum too. I bet you can't imagine treating your DC like that.

I hope you know what an amazing mum you are.

Teacaketravesty · 08/09/2025 20:41

Oh my god!
It’s ok for a dad to say once, that he would like you to bf his child, and how can he support you to do so. Once. And asking not telling. I’m so sorry your parents were horrible too. Definitely divorce. Set yourself free.

DramaLlamacchiato · 08/09/2025 20:44

What a vile man. My dr also advised me to stop BF for my mental health and my husband was completely supportive as any man should have been. He’s been an absolute cunt when you were at your most vulnerable.

Somanymumquestions · 08/09/2025 20:48

I felt so much rage bubbling up reading your post, and I think a lot of readers are having a strong emotional response too.

I exclusively BF both my babies, and I can say hand on heart that a healthy mother is the most important thing you can give your children. Maternal mental health is no joke, and giving formula is nothing compared to depriving your children of the best version of their mother.

Postpartum is such a vulnerable time, and I'm sorry you were treated this way instead of supported. ❤️ I would have the ick too tbh.

It sounds like your parents are prone to controlling behaviour as well, which is why it might have seemed normal at the time for your DH to behave that way? Something I think a lot of us are wondering is is he really that anti formula (and why - all studies show it's safe) or was he trying to get out of parenting duties / trying to control you?

At the very least, he didn't do adequate research on postpartum depression, supporting partners, or infant nutrition.

WhiteCat13 · 08/09/2025 20:49

My daughter was in special care when she was born, I was lucky she survived. But she developed a thorough dislike of warm milk because she had got used to being fed cold formula. I ended up having to express milk and put it in the fridge before she would feed. We both spent hours and hours trying to breast feed, as I watched her lose weight steadily. In the end I supplemented with formula, as well as expressing, although I did this for 6 months, even after I returned to work. My ideal was a live healthy baby, not following any husband-imposed rules. She is now a happy, healthy 26 year old. The most important thing for a child is a happy mother. Honestly, men have no business making breast feeding rules up. I would suggest that one of the reasons you have depression is because your H is shouting at you. If he is also doing this to random strangers I think it shouldn't be too long before someone bites back. Kick him into touch and see your life improve. Same goes for your mother. Put yourself first for a while. Sending hugs.

Original poster

westartfires · 08/09/2025 20:51

My mum is very aggressive and controlling. I think it’s a major cause of my anxiety tbh. I worry I’ve repeated the same pattern in choosing a controlling partner. But I think it’s time to make better choices for me and my DD.

OP posts:

Lavender14 · 08/09/2025 20:55

I also completed agree with zero contract with your mum going forward.

Having a child is a wonderful eye opener as to toxic patterns in your family dynamics and I think it's great you're prioritising yourself and your dd and breaking the awful cycle you were put through. You can't undo the past trauma but you can make sure you're a much better mummy to your dd than what you had.

SL2924 · 08/09/2025 20:55

What an absolute prick. I think I would struggle to get past this.

Florencelatsy · 08/09/2025 20:56

My ex did this and in hindsight, and I only came to this realisation recently after my family said something was that it was probably more to do with the expense of formula than anything else.
I lasted three days and it was my midwife who said to stop as she could see how ill and distressed I was. I had to go and get the formula (he wouldn't even do that for me) and I'll never forget a woman in front of me letting me go to the till before her, I must of looked like a mad woman with leaky boobs, crazy hair and no sleep. My ex had given up work to "help" with the baby. He did nothing of the sort, and I left 5 months later, only wishing I had done it sooner. He had a very controlling nature and didn't help at all with my pnd, being a single parent has been hard, but I guarantee it would of been a million times harder with him in tow.

Nestingbirds · 08/09/2025 20:59

It sounds exactly what has happened. His controlling behaviour would have felt perfectly normal to you, as you grew up in a similar environment - you may even have felt more safe with him. Assuming he loved you in the same way your mother did.

Your little dd can grow up in a home free of abuse, she can learn all about healthy relationships and love in a calm, peaceful environment. You can be free of this op.

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