To ask...Do kids always see through Disney Dads in the end??

[AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere]

My recent ex, who has already missed the majority of our kids lives cos of his job, has made the not unsurprising, but disappointing decision, to permanently live 3hrs away from his kids.
He will have them every other weekend (as much as work allows) thus leaving me to do all of the actual parenting, whilst he just does fun weekends twice a month and has a much bigger budget for frivolities such as days out and holidays.
I personally cannot understand how someone can be ok with seeing so little of their kids but that i suppose is besides the point for this discussion.

I am 100% onboard with putting the kids first and not airing my frustrations when they may hear etc and I want them to have a good relationship with their dad purely for their self -esteem (daddy issues are good for no one 🫣) But equally I feel strongly that he doesn't deserve a good relationship with them due to him constantly choosing himself first.

I believe he will pay what he is supposed to pay and he will see them reasonably regularly, but he will also not think too much of cancelling on them if something he would rather do comes up and he always justifies missing time with them for work, cos well, money.

My kids are currently 6&8....those of you who have had similar scenarios, whose kids are now 18yrs+...what does it look like now?
Do they have good relationships with them or have they figured it out for themselves? If they have, how has it affected them?

DD18 had a Disney dad. He would see her EOW and occasional holidays.
he never once took her to school, did homework or any normal parenting stuff.
he would very much arrange her around his life.
DD didn’t get on with step mum.
last year DD turned 18, spoke with her dad and explained why she didn’t want to stay at his house anymore but she still wanted a relationship with him.
things have gone hideously bad, she’s not seen him since January despite trying. He is blaming her for everything and calling her ungrateful.
she is so incredibly hurt and confused how he can let her go so easily when she has told him she still wants a relationship with him.
i wish more than anything I could have protected her from his and done more to stop him being able to hurt her so badly.
not all dads are the same but if you can stop them going down that path of hurt and daddy issues then please try

It's not just that the children see through them, they don't have the same relationship with them. My dad was a EOW dad, many of my friends were the same. It meant he wasn't there for the tough times, so we aren't close. Especially as in teenage years the weekends lessened because I wanted to do my own thing.
My relationship with him as an adult is cordial, but it's more like the relationship id have with an uncle or family friend than a dad. Just as he only did the good times, I'll only share general chat about good things - he doesn't know that much about my life because he wasn't around, and I don't feel the need to tell him anything.

My DD is 15, we separated when she 10. He has been less than a Disney dad tbh, definitely fits her in around his busy life.

He pays child support and does send her cash occasionally but only see her 3 times (5 days in total) in the last 2 months. It’s piss poor but she loves him and still wants to see him. I think she will realise in time though

I had a Disney dad. When you’re 10 and going to cinema and eating out with dad while mum makes you do homework and chores it’s obvious who is more fun….but yes, I eventually saw through it. I was a teenager when it became clear and now as an adult with my own DC I’m just in awe of my mum and what she did for us (and I tell her this frequently!).

Usually, yes. The novelty of going bowling, gifts and takeaways wears off. Especially when they get older and just want advice about a breakup, an issue with a friend, a personal problem etc. I used to love getting gifts from my parents, but as I got older I appreciated the closeness and conversation. I appreciated the lifts to my hobby and the effort my parents made with my friends or boyfriends. I didn't have a Disney dad, but my son has one. The novelty really does wear off.

One of mine decided at 16 to leave home to live with him.

I think there is something attractive about the absent parent. Kind of ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’, less reality more mystery and in our case a real need to please and be part of dad’s life.

Very tough to deal with.

No they don’t

I don't know about how boys end up feeling about their disney dad's.... but for me, it wasn't until I had my own children that I realised my dad was a Disney dad. As a child I thought he was amazing.

I'm a single mum and he has told me in the past he knows he did his absolute best by us.... but I think ita fairly easy to be a good parent if you only see them twice a month 😅.... if I saw my children 4 days a month I can guarantee I would be an amazing mum. Everytime he had us as kids he would take us to out cousins or have our cousins over.... nice memories looking back but the reality is he didn't want to parent us so the cousins were a distraction

It also irks me that he only paid my mum £10 per child for me and my Dsis per week. He owns his own property which he managed to buy because my step dad provided for us.

I'm NC with both my parents but I can really see why my mum disliked my dad when we were children.

I can imagine the would be a real kick in the teeth. 😔 How long has it been? Has anything changed with them living there?

That's what worries me the most, but I don't know how you stop it? You can't force them to be the parent our kids deserve. 😔

Oh boy, he is the exact same with the cousins. He has the advantage of multiple cousins on his side the same age as ours and some older teenagers. It's quite obvious he mostly hangs around with his siblings whilst the kids entertain themselves, often supervised by the older ones.

But do you really want them to ‘see through it’? People can be shit partners and not in any way ideal parents but if they give enough that the child isn’t questioning their love, why would you want any different? I have two friends with dads who are now deceased and both were fine with the sporadic ness of their dads until their mums made them question it (both told the child basically what a piece of work their dad was) In one case it led to a showdown and going nc before the dad died. That person will never be the same. The other kept contact but was always looking for signs of love until again her dad died.

After about a year DF (and wife/OW) realised they didn't really want our DC full time. (OW’s DC’s didn't live with them either).

DF ‘gave’ our DC a house, so by 18, DC was living independently, close to them.

DC still does, now 23.

Mine are 14 and 16 now and have decided that they don’t want to stay over at his anymore and now see him for a couple of hours sometimes every week, sometimes every couple of weeks.
He severely pissed me off by saying I was a bad mother about a year ago despite me doing absolutely everything for them since he left to be with ow 10 years ago. Yes, he had more money and did better things with them, took them on better holidays but he was never actually interested them. It was all for show so he could have the facade of being the best Dad 🙄
Anyway, since his bad mother comment I said that I would no longer facilitate them spending time with him and he would have to arrange it with the kids directly and he is amazed that they are not falling over themselves to see him
I never bad mouthed him and always waved them off with a smile but kids realise when they get older and make their own decisions!

Im not sure id described my ex as a disney dad as such but let me lay it out.

We broke up when ds was 11 months old because I finally realised we (ds and i) were not his priority. I threw him out! It was shitty for a while but we finally got on for the sake of ds.

DS would stay at his dad's every weekend until school, then every other, and then weeks here and there over the school holidays.

DS loved it, so much fun, no bossy mummy, no fruit and veg for a week/weekend, lots of chips, nuggets etc!!

Now DS is 11, he hasn't stayed at his dad's for over a year, barely wants to actually speak to him, sees talking to his dad as a chore to do rather than a want!!

There is never a "omg, I cant wait to tell dad!" moment, he actually cant be arsed with him.

His very valid reason is that he heard his dad speak very badly to his own mum (DS's nan) and now DS's thought is, if he can speak like that to his own mum, then he's capable of speaking to him like it so he just doesn't want to be in that position!

He figured that out at 10 years old all by himself!

I don't want them to see through it in some ways, as I want them to grow up to be healthy well rounded adults, however, I also don't want them to grow up falling for people who buy their affections cos it's easier that putting any effort in or thinking that is what real love looks like.

I have much internal sadness and anger over he disappointment he has turned out to be as a parent, but they are completely unaware of it.
I feel I am gonna spend a lot of time treading the fine line of protecting them, whilst not protecting him and setting them up for bigger disappointment in the future.

Similar situation with my ex. Once kids hit teens they didn’t want to traipse an hour away, they wanted to see their mates. It dropped to once a month. They also began to see through his bullshit. (I never slated him to them( Since uni they see him a few times a year, he’s not in their day to day life. But I am.

my sister has a Disney dad. She adored him for so long and often used his money spinning as a stick to beat our mother with (teenage hormones- she’s lovely) She started to see when she had children that her dad wasn’t all that. And now, years on, she has expressed such sadness that her dad is so superficial. On every level. Their relationship has always been transactional- he doesn’t know her and nor she him. And when she’s has tried to get to know him she’s found out that he’s not that into her. It’s hurt her so much. I wish the scales hadn’t fallen from her eyes tbh. She was happier when she thought he loved her and she him. And now she kind of resents me for my loving dad (in no way perfect, in fact often neglectful, but present and loving) Which also hurts me. I wish men were better. It’s shocking how common Disney dads are and how socially accepted it is for men to simply throw money at “the problem”

My eldest (male) is quite sensitive, so feel like he might respond the same.

I just hope they dont ever feel they are the reason he doesn't make much effort.

Do you still have a good relationship with him?

This is what I see happening... though with an even longer drive they might tire of it before they even hit the teen years. I wouldn't wanna spend 6hrs in a car every other weekend.

It's so sad for them. I know there are shitty mum's out there, but most mums (and many dads too I'm sure) could never bear to spend so little time with their child!

I just can't see a good outcome. I don't want them grow up equating money to love, but equally don't want them to ever realise their dad didn't care enough to be around in any real way. 😔

What I worry about (as a single parent whose dad has them EOW) is that I’m always going to be the one making them do things they don’t want to do and parenting in less than ideal circumstances and around everything else.

And sometimes that objectively makes me a worse parent. If my ex is ill he just won’t have the children. If I’m ill, even when I’ve been seriously so, I have the children regardless and muddle through. My income is more impacted by having them all the time. TBH probably so is my patience and energy for them. A lot of what I do do won’t (reasonably) be noticed by such young and probably even much older children - arranging play dates, clubs, parties, buying clothes etc, getting up at night for them etc.

My ex doesn’t/ won’t do homework, phonics, swimming lessons, taking them to school, dentist, haircuts, shoe shopping or any of the other things they don’t necessarily want to do. And because he won’t do them I have to spend more time on them on my weekends. And he essentially doesn’t have a source of conflict with them as he’s rarely trying to make them do something they don’t want to or where there’s time pressure etc.

I agree I could be an amazing parent 4 days a month if judged only on those 4 days.

I would absolutely want the children to maintain a good relationship with their dad though. And I’m not sure they will ever “see through “ it except perhaps when they have children themselves. I certainly didn’t realise the toll having children mostly on your own can take until I was living it.

We’re 8 years post divorce. DD’s are 14 and 12, ex has EOW and beyond that he’s not an active participant. His relationship with DD1 is hanging on by a thread, he treats her quite poorly. She often will see him for short periods but won’t do EOW.

They see past the expensive days out, holidays and activities, mostly because he doesn’t do the basic stuff. And they feel like unwelcome guests at his house. He recently chose to take his girlfriend on holiday rather than have his Father’s Day weekend with them. Let’s just say he won’t live that one down anytime soon! What’s that saying…daughters are less forgiving than wives and he has two!

Absolutely agree with this