To ask...Do kids always see through Disney Dads in the end??

[AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere]

My recent ex, who has already missed the majority of our kids lives cos of his job, has made the not unsurprising, but disappointing decision, to permanently live 3hrs away from his kids.
He will have them every other weekend (as much as work allows) thus leaving me to do all of the actual parenting, whilst he just does fun weekends twice a month and has a much bigger budget for frivolities such as days out and holidays.
I personally cannot understand how someone can be ok with seeing so little of their kids but that i suppose is besides the point for this discussion.

I am 100% onboard with putting the kids first and not airing my frustrations when they may hear etc and I want them to have a good relationship with their dad purely for their self -esteem (daddy issues are good for no one 🫣) But equally I feel strongly that he doesn't deserve a good relationship with them due to him constantly choosing himself first.

I believe he will pay what he is supposed to pay and he will see them reasonably regularly, but he will also not think too much of cancelling on them if something he would rather do comes up and he always justifies missing time with them for work, cos well, money.

My kids are currently 6&8....those of you who have had similar scenarios, whose kids are now 18yrs+...what does it look like now?
Do they have good relationships with them or have they figured it out for themselves? If they have, how has it affected them?

Anecdotally yes. My daughter is 18 and her Dad had her EOW, I say he had her, actually his mam had her and he would stay at his mam's house to see her, only sometimes he had a better offer. She thought he was the bee's knees for years as a kid but once she got to about 10-12 she started to realise what he was actually like, by 14 she didn't go over there anymore. She now sees him occasionally because she wants to see her younger sister but she really dislikes him as a person and hasn't forgiven him for not being there for her as a child. This is all without me ever bad mouthing him (although I do occasionally now when she's ranting about him to me)

Yes all of this!!
I have already been this parent for the last 8years as his work had him away for weeks at a time, but that was supposed to have changed by now, instead it looks like that's the way it will be for the long haul.
I actually think having every other weekend where they are with him, may mean an actual rest for me, so let's hope that helps my energy levels to still be able to have fun with the kids after doing all the hard stuff. 🤞🤞

My ds didn't, he thinks he's marvellous

How old is he?
As hard as that must be for you, do you think it's good for him? Or that it's taught him to value the wrong things?

Yes, they see through it. At first he saw them once a month as it was four hours in the car each way but as they got older they didn’t want to go. We then agreed to him having them for part of each school holiday but he frequently ‘forgets’ to book leave. My eldest hasn’t seen him for several years now. Youngest did ask once if they could move in with him as he doesn’t make them do chores but he said no. I’ve never once bad mouthed him and we are on friendly terms.

I would be really resentful in that situation. I wouldn't want to be the "bad" parent. Even if it was only sometimes.

I'm fortune that my children's father isn't allowed to contact or cinnincuate with me or the children ( he was found guilty of assaulting me when my youngest was 8 months old... he is now almost 9 😅 )

Whilst some aspects have been difficult I know I would be really really resentful if their dad was a part of their lives and was doing the disney dad act.

I think some get it when they have their own children,

Oldest child can't be bothered with him.

Youngest child adores him, hangs on his every word.

Both, now adult kids, phone me every day. They see their dad once a month at most and the oldest always makes sure he pays. She clocked quite early on that his time and money is for him, but my time and money is for my kids.
I was very unwell about 10 years ago and the oldest (16 at the time) took over bill paying. She saw EXACTLY what he contributed, and obviously then started looking at how he put in in other ways. Youngest never saw that.

Oddly, he's a nice guy though. He sends me flowers, pays for family dinners etc. I think he just has zero understanding that kids cost money on a day to day basis. And so youngest just thinks he's kind. Oldest realises he's not mean, but not really paying attention to reality either. Iyswim.

I don't mean oldest kid paid, she did the admin for me while I was in hospital!

Growing up, one of my childhood friends had the archetypal Disney-dad. "Susie" (not her real name) lived with mum (and later step-dad) after dad left when she was about 5 or 6, and she stayed with dad EOW - he (or often his mum) picked her up from school on Friday and dropped her back off on Sunday afternoon. It was the days before mobile phones/email so the communication between the parents was logistically difficult as they didn't see each other often (he would pull up outside often when he dropped her off and watch until she was let in) and he would avoid mum's phone calls when it didn't suit him.

Every other weekend Susie would have amazing weekends at his house. Takeaway dinners. New toys. Always going out with daddy - cinema, theme parks, ice skating. Plenty of weekends away. In the school holidays he'd take her on big fancy holidays - Caribbean, Disney World, etc. The holidays were always booked without any consultation with mum and he would tell Susie before mum. On more than one occasion mum had to cancel her pre-booked caravan holiday in Wales because Susie had arrived home from weekend at dad's ridiculously excited because they were going on safari/to Disney World/to the Caribbean at the same time.

As others have said he never made her do homework, barely had any rules, didn't take her to doctors appointments or the dentist, didn't do the school uniform shop, or drag her with him to do the day to day household tasks that are part of everyday life (picking up dry cleaning, taking the cat to the vets). At his house she never had to tidy her mess, do any chores or eat her vegetables. There was no bedtime. For many years mum had no car and they went everywhere on the bus. Dad had a fancy sports car.

Dad (without much consultation with mum) enrolled her in a private secondary school (he took her to the open day without mum even knowing at that point) and stopped paying any child support to mum as he was paying the school fees. A couple of years later (if that) he stopped paying the school fees saying he couldn't afford it, and step-dad took on extra shifts at work and mum took a bar job on the weekends Susie was at dad's to cover the school fees for a school they hadn't wanted in the first place but Susie was now very attached to.

Unlike other dads on this thread he was always very interested in Susie's life. He loved hearing all about school, dance concerts (that he could never attend because of work!) and what was happening in her friendship groups. As she got to be a teenager he undermined mum all the time - she was allowed out with no curfew at his house and he'd pick her up whatever time she wanted if she went out. I stayed overnight at both dad's house and mum's house and dad's was way more fun - we could watch 18 films, stay up as late as we wanted and nobody would tell us off if our music was too loud or our skirts to short. When mum wouldn't let her have a TV in her room when she was a teenager, dad just bought her one and sent her home with it. When mum said she couldn't go out with friends on Sunday nights after a weekend at dad's as she had never done her homework, dad would just drop her off at the cinema with her friends and phone mum to say she needed to pick her up at 8pm or whatever.

Me and Susie grew apart in our early 20s (pre social media and I'd moved away at that point) but at that point Susie still adored dad, thought mum was always the bad guy and hated her stepdad (who was usually the one left picking up the financial shit dad left them in).

As she became an adult her relationship with her dad (and stepmum) became even more like friends. They'd go out to fancy restaurants and on fancy holidays and dad would pay. If she came home at 4am when she stayed with him and woke the whole house up because she'd forgotten her key nobody bothered - often they were out with her anyway. For a while she drifted between different jobs and being unemployed. Dad would pay for her hair and her nails, and bought her a car (but didn't pay the insurance after the first year) meanwhile mum was moaning because she was hanging round the house all day making a mess and contributing nothing - and mum was the one keeping a roof over her head.

I don't know if things changed as she matured or maybe had her own kids - but I could also imagine her dad being a great Disney grandad! But by her early 20s Susie still had absolutely wonderful times with her dad while her mum just seemed to get more and more exhausted and stressed by the day to day grind of adulting and parenting - which Susie never recognised. Sorry!

My parents separated in 1970 and things were different. Noone talked about shared parenting. It was often thought better for divorced men to fade away, especially once a stepdad was on the scene. "Less confusing".

My dad used to descend unexpectedly for a day out or a meal less than once a month. It was always a treat.
My mum did all the stuff to keep me alive. But she was never massively emotionally engaged.

To cut a long story short, 55 years later they're both dead. I remember my dad with huge affection. I adored him. My kids adored him. He was useless but he brought love and warmth to my life.
I remember my mother far less fondly. We got on fine for most of my life, chatted regularly, had things in common. But when I had my own kids, I realised that she had been useless in a different way and i find it hard to forgive some of the things she did.
We all get to reevaluate our parents. Parents are, like everyone else, flawed individuals. It's entirely possible to appreciate people for what they bring your your life rather than how they match up to someone else or to an ideal.

I’m not sharing the perspective you want to hear as I’m in my 20s and certainly do not have children that are 18+.

However I’m posting as I think you’re misunderstanding the parent-child relationship. If your dad has been okay with you the majority of your life, has been generous at times, plus you have happy memories with him, what exactly are you (as the child) going to “see through”? Most children aren’t trying to suss out whether they have a “Disney dad” or not, he’s just dad to them; they’re not going to overthink that dynamic. They’re only going to think there’s something wrong with their dad if he leans outside of a societal norm? given that society has higher expectations for mothers vs lower for fathers, it doesn’t really sound like your ex is doing anything egregious enough to be “figured out”.

it’s not ideal for you, but the truth is your children are more likely to attribute any things they missed out on to growing up in a split household, as opposed to anything being specifically poor about their dad. At the end of the day, most children just want to be close to their parents, not analyse their behaviour or drive a potential wedge. Most children seek the approval of their parents, especially if they don’t see them often, so it’s more likely they’ll overlook shortfalls.

I’m one of a large family with a Disney dad.
We all have different relationships with our parents.

Did you ever hear the expression the same water that hardens the egg softens the potato’? This is so true in my experience.
In your shoes OP I would put my time and effort into raising resilient children in a home with love and boundaries in equal measure.

My two adult sons can now see their father for what he is but it’s taken them until their mid twenties to start to fully understand.

This pretty much sums up my worst case scenario 😅

I split with my kids father when they were not far off your children's ages. He also had largely checked out of fatherhood in the run up to that, and now they see him a couple of times a month for the day (no overnights - perhaps 3 times in the last 5 years - his and their choice).

They are realistic about him. I am the fixed point, the family, whereas he - like others have said before - is treated more like a friendly uncle. But I think they already had that distant relationship with him when we were together (entirely his own doing), and now I'm not continuously talking about him/pushing him that's just settled into this distance.

They don't think to message him or call him during the week (they do me - the couple of times I've gone away for work and left them with grandparents). I don't think they have daddy issues - they just seem indifferent (which is very much matching his energy TBH). I don't think they see him as a role model even, it's almost like he's just out there on his own little shelf in their heads. I think given the situation, that's probably the best outcome I could hope for.

That he isn't the one there when life isn't always fun?
Not there when they have events at school...or the one there to take care of them when they are ill...that sacrifices their possible down time so their kids can do extra curriculars, that is their for a chat or a cuddle when they have a bad day.
...pretty much all the meaningful parts of a relationship that show you you are loved and supported.

We live in a materialistic world where more and more people are depressed and/or struggling.
I want my children to learn to build relationships where they support and are supported.
I've worked with kids for 20yrs and studied psychology. The way parents treat their children has a massive effect on the person they become.
Best case scenario is that they realise that he loves them as best a very selfish person can love another, but that they deserve a lot better and don't pick a similar man to date or to be besties with!

TBH, I wouldn't let them travel that far EOW. I did that when exH moved the same sort of distance away and looking back, really wish I hadn't. I was trying to keep the peace, it's good for the DC to have a relationship with their father, blah blah blah... I wish I'd stuck up for them and said they could visit during the holidays (shared, not all of them) but in the meantime he would need to come to see them at weekends during term time.

They deserve to be able to do normal kid things like swimming lessons and sports matches on a Saturday morning, and use the weekend to rest and have fun, not be dragged up and down a motorway and stuck in traffic for hours because their father is a selfish arse.

Yes they do. My Mum and Dad were separated when we were young but he was always very present even once DSis and I had grown up and had our own DC. It had it's rocky patches through the years but he would always want to sort out any issues. He died some years ago now.

I split from DCs 'DF' when my DS was 18months old & DD was 4. I've always encouraged a relationship between them and I know how much they loved their Dad. They are both teenagers now. DD has stayed once in the last few years. DS has been staying less frequent now he wants to hang out with his friends more. They both recently went NC after he sent DS a particularly nasty WhatsApp. DD hit the roof at him for breaking DSs heart. Basically, the Disney Dad wears off and the mask always slips in the end.

I agree. But at least you can say from your side you tried to always facilitate the meet ups and the DCs will remember that too.

DCs 'DF' once got mad that DD hadn't called him all week. Despite her forewarning them she was going on camp for the week with her youth club. Apparently she was meant to stop mid kayak clamber out of the river to find a signal in the arse end of nowhere to ring him back there and then when it could have just waited. There was no emergency and she was having fun. Like kids are meant to! He barely ever took them anywhere!

They might not see "through" them as such. But growing up with a mostly absent parebt doesnt create that bond.
My dad is a lovely man. I love him. But he is like a kind uncle who I saw every 3 weekend. He yas very very sick recently and i know my sister struggles with the idea I have not been able to go over to see him. But she has a father daughter relationship with him I dont. As she grew up with him..

Basically you reep what you sow

@Meep2024
your poor ds….. hope he’s ok now x

You don't want them thinking this is a good way to be a dad, they'll then think it's fine with their kids etc and perhaps choose a shit partner, because being a crap father was normalised.

Exactly this! You want them to realise he is the flawed one not them. And that healthy relationship require also being there for the mundane and the difficult, not just the fun.

They can love him and have fun with him and take it for what it is, I just want them to know they and their future partners/children deserve more.

But you has children with him knowing what he was like, it cant have been a surprise

So give him 50/50 otherwise how else can you not use 'Disney dad' what can he possibly do now for you to drop that label?

A child has 2 parents so it is about those children you decided to have not what you want

I get the feeling OP would also be complaining if her ex wanted them half the time 🙄