To ask...Do kids always see through Disney Dads in the end??

[AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere]

My recent ex, who has already missed the majority of our kids lives cos of his job, has made the not unsurprising, but disappointing decision, to permanently live 3hrs away from his kids.
He will have them every other weekend (as much as work allows) thus leaving me to do all of the actual parenting, whilst he just does fun weekends twice a month and has a much bigger budget for frivolities such as days out and holidays.
I personally cannot understand how someone can be ok with seeing so little of their kids but that i suppose is besides the point for this discussion.

I am 100% onboard with putting the kids first and not airing my frustrations when they may hear etc and I want them to have a good relationship with their dad purely for their self -esteem (daddy issues are good for no one 🫣) But equally I feel strongly that he doesn't deserve a good relationship with them due to him constantly choosing himself first.

I believe he will pay what he is supposed to pay and he will see them reasonably regularly, but he will also not think too much of cancelling on them if something he would rather do comes up and he always justifies missing time with them for work, cos well, money.

My kids are currently 6&8....those of you who have had similar scenarios, whose kids are now 18yrs+...what does it look like now?
Do they have good relationships with them or have they figured it out for themselves? If they have, how has it affected them?

Invite the friend too where possible if they'd be willing? My BF said one of her favourite childhood memories is the days out my late Father included her too. Obviously a bit more tricky once their teenagers and where they want to go but they'll appreciate the offer.

At least Disney dads try to give their kids a good time. My ex seemed to think being a dad was saying no. It made life easier for me but I would have liked my dd to have felt loved by her father

3 of my friends children have moved to their dads at 16 but all but one have come back realising. My own child is currently in the process of realising that her dad is a tight bastard and fits her in around his other kids.

I have heard that too.
Parents that do the lions share of the work, don't always get the best treatment.

I see saw on which option is worse!

I guess for the love of my kids I just have to suck up the unfairness and try and soften any blows that come from having a self centered father and hope he pulls his fingers out as some point rather than gradually disappearing when they suddenly don't want to go up there. I can't say my optimism is high on that one though.

Yep, they see through, even when the break up is later. My dd told my ex that he is lucky she ever visits as he never made an effort to get to her events as a kid!

Is a 6 hour round trip every other weekend really in the DCs’ best interests? Doubt it, especially once they reach secondary age. For example it’d be tiring and make it hard for them to do any local extracurricular activities and attend friends’ birthdays and things.

Before agreeing to it would be seeking info on other such cases and legal advice, if you can afford it.

Mine didn't even get a Disney Dad. He moved to the other end of the country, didn't pay for them, saw them very occasionally (as in maybe twice a year), took them for a week's camping in Cornwall a couple of times.

At first they idolised him, but by the time they started to reach their teens (there are five of them, seven years from first to last, so VERY close in age) they realised that he might talk about loving them and missing them but it was completely in his power to do something about this - and he didn't.

I was the one keeping it all together on zero money. And now they are all adult they regard their dad with a kind of exasperated fondness, like you would an incontinent uncle. They love him, I'm sure, and they see him under their own steam but I am the one that hears all their news and gets asked for advice.

I think this is very naive. You can’t force someone to parent, not legally or otherwise.

I think my experience of an EOW parent is quite typical so I’ll describe it. I have tried to get the children’s dad to do more multiple times. He agreed to do one weeknight evening recently. This would be extremely useful to me as it would give me a longer day in the office once a week. He cancelled one agreed evening, brought the children back early once and has just cancelled another. So it clearly isn’t happening. He frequently cancels a night on his weekends. He had them one extra day during the summer holidays despite having loads of leave and me asking in multiple ways if he could cover some days.

If he did decide to do 50/50 by some miracle I’ve no confidence this would result in him doing homework, swimming, school admin etc as he does none of this in the time he does have them. And this is with me sending reading books, offering to explain phonics / homework to him (which he says he doesn’t understand), booking swimming etc.

But if fathers want 50/50 the courts are now very sympathetic to that unless there are significant safeguarding issues. So it is open to most men to apply for 50/50 even if the mother is against it and most will be successful.

Personally I would absolutely go 50/50 with an involved coparent. I don’t actually enjoy looking after two young children mostly alone alongside a very demanding job a lot of the time.

I do think EOW can inherently create a Disney dad dynamic even for an otherwise good parent but imo most dads are choosing that.

I didn't have a 'Disney Dad', did have a Dad who had me one night a week though and patted himself on the back for doing the bare minimum.

I'm sure I told this story on here before but as a little kid I hated having my hair washed and used to play up awful for my Mum who had no choice but to crack on with it because obviously it needed to be washed. One week she put a note in my overnight bag for Dad's telling him he needed to wash it because she hadn't had chance - she told me it was in there so Dad wouldn't miss it.

When I got to my Dad's I immediately cried because I didn't want my hair washed to which he said 'okay so we won't then' and he didn't. Sent me home and left Mum to do the actual parenting and let her deal with my tears and tantrums because he couldn't be bothered.

Obviously as a young child I thought this was marvellous. As an adult I think he's a twat who was happy to let Mum be the 'bad guy' because it was easier to just give in than to actually do any difficult parenting.

There are lots of other stories about him I could tell but ultimately I do like to think children eventually grow up and realise decent, loving parenting isn't presents, expensive holidays, day trips and letting children have their own way all the time.

My partner would have been classed as a Disney dad I guess when his son was young.
He would do all the fun stuff with him and only the occasional parenting. His ex wasn’t very sporty/outdoorsy or even into day trips / road trips etc. my partner is the complete opposite and would take him away for weekends in the campervan, paddle boarding, fishing, theme parks etc as well as just having him at home along with football practice every week.
his ex stopped contact because he couldn’t just drop everything when it suited her and because he had to cancel the odd time due to traveling for work. He was made to feel like his dad didn’t have time for him or wanted to spend time with him. As his son got older and got a mobile phone he would contact his dad and they would exchange messages daily. He realised that his dad done the best he could given the circumstances.

he’s now living with us full time and barely speaks to him mum.

Sounds just like our set up. (He did pay maintenance but it was a weapon to use against me). My younger son (adult) says he regards him more as an uncle he occasionally sees.

We have had to work very hard to rebuild our relationship after a period of very little contact.

DF pulled DC out of the local grammar, as part of the move to his, ending the planned uni path. An apprenticeship was arranged. DC hasn't fulfilled their full potential ( but then DF didn't want his DC’s to acheive more than he did). It is really difficult to talk about and I don't think DC and I will ever agree about the way the path was changed.

We don't see loads of each other. DC is very independent. I can only accept what happened otherwise our relationship would be damaged irretrievably.