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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Family wedding

121 replies

YourUmberFox · 07/09/2025 09:11

I really need to see if im being a bitch here. DH's uncle was married at the weekend. Small wedding, mostly older crowd, irish but not big drinkers. I'm 5 months pregnant and have a 4 year old boy just to preface. So we agreed before we left that I'd head up to bed early and DS could play with his cousins until his dad was ready to bring him up. Meaning DH would have to remain sober enough to mind him. As I was heading to bed DS said he was tired too and wanted to come with. I didn't want to make DH leave so early so I said he could come with me and I also took one of the cousins who is 7 months so everyone could enjoy themselves. 2 hours later I asked DH to collect baby cousin from the room so I could get some sleep. (Baby had been napping on hotel bed up to this point and I was afraid I'd fall asleep myself) DH says "On the way". 40 minutes later there's still no sign so I ring again. He arrives up to collect her very drunk. So I get baby into buggy and send them off. DH says he's calling it a night soon. An hour passes and I assume he's stuck chatting to someone and send him a quick text asking him to bring a drink when he comes back to the room. No answer. About 20 mins later DS wakes up, confused and looking for his daddy. I ring DH no answer. I text SIL to say can you send him my way. She's says ok. Another 30 minutes pass and DS is inconsolable. 20 minutes later DS finally cries himself to sleep. I ring BIL and finally speak to DH. He says he's coming up. Another 40 mins I ring again. I'm parched with the thirst at this point and DH answers the phone screaming at me that im ruining the wedding for him. I can hear how drunk he is so I told him to sleep in BIL's room and give me some space until morning. It's the next morning now and im being told I have no respect for him or how hard he works because I'm a SAHM. I think I was reasonable considering the arrangement we had previous to arriving. AIBU??

OP posts:
NoThanksNeeded · 07/09/2025 12:45

Hmm so OP has managed to some how change name midthread and then started dripfeeding more and more?

Enigma54 · 07/09/2025 12:51

Coffersmat · 07/09/2025 11:35

He has form.
He is a nasty abusive drunk.
You are a vulnerable SAHM, and pregnant.
I suggest you rethink your situation and choices.
Do you really want another child with him?
Tell your family the truth about him.
You need to get back to work and get away from him.
Asap.
This is who he is.

This for definite.

Naws · 07/09/2025 13:01

ThisSunnySloth · 07/09/2025 12:37

I don't know i was logged out and when I tried to log in it asked me to pick a username again. I wasn't trying to manipulate him with our son i just thought he'd pop up for a few minutes to help him settle and go back down

It sounds like you've been banned?

BeastAngelMadwoman · 07/09/2025 13:14

I don't really understand the fixation on the heels/shoes. You were in a hotel, not surrounded by hot coals.

OldBeyondMyYears · 07/09/2025 13:24

Not really buying this to be honest! What parent of a 4 year old (well, any age actually!) goes away without packing a whole STACK of drinks, snacks, fruit etc!

And if (by some insane chance!) that you are that parent OP…then I’ve absolutely no words! Your husband was a bit of a bore, agreed, but ffs, what did you think was going to happen? He’s at a family wedding 🤷‍♀️

You sound utterly bonkers, all that ringing different people and having gone away with kids, completely unprepared!

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2025 13:32

I’m not sure being a SAHM is a great idea if you struggle to settle a 4 year old by yourself. “Daddy’s out, go back to sleep” is better than implying daddy had done something awful by not being there and letting him cry himself to sleep. If that’s what happened. He’s 4, he’ll be at school soon.

thereneverwasacloudyday · 07/09/2025 16:08

YourUmberFox · 07/09/2025 10:05

Ok, a little more context. I have a tendency to downplay things when it comes to DH. I had no issue with him staying. The hotel we were in was like a guesthouse moreso. We had a communal bathroom between 5 rooms down the hall. And was about a 3 minute walk to main reception area so no access to bar or usual hotel amenities. And all I had in the room with me was my heels. If he had said at any point he wanted to stay I would have said fine just drop me a drink. My issue was moreso with how drunk he was. Spirits do not agree with him and turn him nasty and he waited until i was gone to drink vodka after saying he wouldn't. I did console my son he was snuggled up to me the whole time but he just wanted his dad. 4 year olds are not very reasonable. I asked him to stay with his brother because his brother had a spare bed and I knew he would be nasty after the vodka. When he came back he was shouting so much he woke the child back up and then told me he could do what he liked because I don't earn any money and didn't pay for the room.

The wedding and him staying to celebrate his uncle's marriage is a VERY separate issue to him being an abusive drunk and abusive partner who doesn't view his partner's contributions as equal because they're not paid.

Rather than fret about being thirsty for a few hours, focus on the real problems: you need to be able to settle your own child, and you need to get your child and yourself out of an abusive relationship.

PrivateMusic · 08/09/2025 09:27

You shouldn’t have kept ringing him, but also he’s a twat for screaming at you. And it wouldn’t have hurt him just to bring you a drink up and get back to the party.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 08/09/2025 19:06

Yabu to plan to go to bed before a 4 year old. Then to not manage the 4 yo’s expectations so he was upset about his dad. No reason for your husband to leave the wedding early.

Someone2025 · 08/09/2025 21:24

YourUmberFox · 07/09/2025 10:25

I had run to the toilet when he came to collect baby cousin as I wasn't comfortable leaving ds alone in the room. He was asleep ar this stage. He never looks for his dad at night he was just over tired and in a new place and confused. All things I could have prepared for it he said at any point he wanted to stay but he kept saying he was on the way

It was a small guest house with mostly relatives there and you didn’t want to leave DS alone in the room to go a minute down the hall to go to the loo?!?……that’s ridiculous

beeautifullif3 · 08/09/2025 21:36

Bloody hell you sound like very hard work !!! And your poor son wtf was that about

CarpenterSabrina · 08/09/2025 21:36

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2025 11:23

Hmmm. The drip feed that he’s a complete monster and yet you’ve chosen to saddle a second child with him isn’t really helping you is it.

Lack of preparation for a night in a room with a four year old isn’t anyone else’s fault. The shoe detail adds to the general sense of helplessness.

I agree. The tread isn't going the way OP wants so she drip feeds.

contacting his family 7 times when they're celebrating a wedding is controlling and excessive.
you don't get to police what he does. Drink out of the tap. Why didn't you do that?

your son being inconsolable is also strange. Surely a 'come on back to bed, you'll see him in the morning. But you're having it for emotional blackmail.

I think the drink is a red herring.

you chose to have a second child so he can't be that bad. I think you are controlling.

CarpenterSabrina · 08/09/2025 21:37

Someone2025 · 08/09/2025 21:24

It was a small guest house with mostly relatives there and you didn’t want to leave DS alone in the room to go a minute down the hall to go to the loo?!?……that’s ridiculous

And also this. You won't leave a 4 year old to nip to the loo? Don't take your 4 year old upstairs everytime you go there in your house?

over dramatic and hard work.

CarpenterSabrina · 08/09/2025 21:38

PrivateMusic · 08/09/2025 09:27

You shouldn’t have kept ringing him, but also he’s a twat for screaming at you. And it wouldn’t have hurt him just to bring you a drink up and get back to the party.

If he went up with a drink he probably knew he wouldn't be allowed down as OP would guilt trip him. I think he did a smart move to avoid her so he could carry on.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 08/09/2025 22:12

I can see why you were annoyed because he didn’t follow through with what you agreed, but I don’t see why your DS was so upset? Why didn’t you just tell him Daddy was at the party?

KaitlynnFairchild · 08/09/2025 22:14

I think you are unreasonable too. His family wedding, he was clearly drunk when he collected the baby so I would have written him off (and not sent a baby with him) at that point.

He was enjoying time with family, they were probably in his ear about how controlling you were being ringing them all and encouraging him to stay a bit longer.

I don’t believe your dS was inconsolable and cried himself to sleep, I think that was just to make DH feel bad.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 08/09/2025 22:15

Imagine if a nanny/babysitter called the parents if baby is crying for them..

You settle the child, no need to cry themselves to sleep when you the mother is there.

You just wanted to spoil his night because you had an early one.

YABU.

Maddy70 · 08/09/2025 23:50

Why did he have to come up to you ? He was at a family wedding and having fun. You took the children so that could happen. Yabu

Pinkbasketcase · 09/09/2025 13:38

I'm saying you aren't being unreasonable, simply because you needed support. However, your agreement was to mind the kids whilst he enjoyed the wedding. Why did that change?

I don't believe there should a split responsibility, I feel both should be able to enjoy the wedding. And each parent take responsibility. Drinking is not the be all and end all for fun. Regardless if it's a family wedding.

bloomingbonkerz · 09/09/2025 17:12

What time did you actually go to bed my reckons is 5pm by this time line ;-/

NoThanksNeeded · 09/09/2025 17:16

bloomingbonkerz · 09/09/2025 17:12

What time did you actually go to bed my reckons is 5pm by this time line ;-/

I think she maybe made it to 7 and expected her DH in bed by 9

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