Family wedding

[YourUmberFox]

I really need to see if im being a bitch here. DH's uncle was married at the weekend. Small wedding, mostly older crowd, irish but not big drinkers. I'm 5 months pregnant and have a 4 year old boy just to preface. So we agreed before we left that I'd head up to bed early and DS could play with his cousins until his dad was ready to bring him up. Meaning DH would have to remain sober enough to mind him. As I was heading to bed DS said he was tired too and wanted to come with. I didn't want to make DH leave so early so I said he could come with me and I also took one of the cousins who is 7 months so everyone could enjoy themselves. 2 hours later I asked DH to collect baby cousin from the room so I could get some sleep. (Baby had been napping on hotel bed up to this point and I was afraid I'd fall asleep myself) DH says "On the way". 40 minutes later there's still no sign so I ring again. He arrives up to collect her very drunk. So I get baby into buggy and send them off. DH says he's calling it a night soon. An hour passes and I assume he's stuck chatting to someone and send him a quick text asking him to bring a drink when he comes back to the room. No answer. About 20 mins later DS wakes up, confused and looking for his daddy. I ring DH no answer. I text SIL to say can you send him my way. She's says ok. Another 30 minutes pass and DS is inconsolable. 20 minutes later DS finally cries himself to sleep. I ring BIL and finally speak to DH. He says he's coming up. Another 40 mins I ring again. I'm parched with the thirst at this point and DH answers the phone screaming at me that im ruining the wedding for him. I can hear how drunk he is so I told him to sleep in BIL's room and give me some space until morning. It's the next morning now and im being told I have no respect for him or how hard he works because I'm a SAHM. I think I was reasonable considering the arrangement we had previous to arriving. AIBU??

Hmmm. The drip feed that he’s a complete monster and yet you’ve chosen to saddle a second child with him isn’t really helping you is it.

Lack of preparation for a night in a room with a four year old isn’t anyone else’s fault. The shoe detail adds to the general sense of helplessness.

Sorry OP but I do think from what you’ve said YABU.

it’s a wedding and people do get drunk at these. As long as this isn’t a weekly thing then I can understand things change and he got drunk. I know he said he wasn’t going to but it’s easy in that environment to get carried away.

i don’t think a lot of planning went into your stay (that’s not just on you, it’s both of you). No flats taken to the room, no snacks, no drinks. These are basic things to bring to a room especially when you have young children. It doesn’t matter what kind of hotel room it is. Tbh most hotels I stay in don’t have a mini bar or sometimes even coffee making facilities so I always bring snacks and water.

Your son being upset and wanting his daddy - I understand it may be difficult to navigate that but that’s parenting. There is going to be many times over the next years that he’ll want his daddy at a time he’s not there.

I hope you and your DH can smoothe things over and of course screaming at you is not acceptable, I don’t think it needs to be a big drama.

How far do you live from the venue?

He has form.
He is a nasty abusive drunk.
You are a vulnerable SAHM, and pregnant.
I suggest you rethink your situation and choices.
Do you really want another child with him?
Tell your family the truth about him.
You need to get back to work and get away from him.
Asap.
This is who he is.

YABU OP.

As a moot point, never know anyone leave a wedding less drunk than they intended to be 😬 especially not any family weddings on our Irish side …..

It's very convenient that she came up that update when it wasn't going her way. He's an abusive drunk yet she's given up her financial security to be dependent on him and is having a second baby with him.

The way she was calling and texting everyone in his family suggests she has some controlling issues she needs to sort out, and what does she mean he has done this before by being drunk, at parties and weddings or does she mean he comes home drunk every day if the week? Context and details matter.

If she can't calm her son down when daddy isn't there then she shouldn't be having a second child, and there are many things she could have done to be better prepared for this trip rather than acting like she was helpless and stuck and calling and texting everyone to send him back.

She really can't manage at 5 months pregnant with a 4 year old yet you advise her to LTB, how will she cope with 2 kids on her own???

Blimey I went to bed a couple of hours before my husband at our wedding and it wasn’t an issue - you’re being very unreasonable , cup your hands under the tap and get a drink of tap water if you were thirsty but I don’t believe you didn’t have drinks for your child you could have had.

It reasonable for him to stay and enjoy the wedding but his communication was crap. People do get a bit carried away at parties and there has to be a little tolerance of this I think. 5 month pregnant with a 4 year old is manageable on your own I would say.

I think next time, he needs to be more honest with himself about the night he wants to have and not make false promises he isn't going to keep and you maybe need to manage your own expectations and expect that if he says he'll be back at 11pm for example, maybe have it in your head that it will be more like 1am.

His communication was crap though.

Exactly - surely OP can use the bathroom at home when her child is asleep.

YABU OP - it was a wedding - he wanted to drink and continue the party but you were ringing and texting him and others? I don’t know why to be honest. And yes, an overtired 4 year old is difficult to manage but you let him cry himself to sleep.

Agreed. Is he aggressive or fed up of controlling nagging behaviour?

Is his window of tolerance understandly smaller during events where he should be happy with his family and is instead being embarrassed at his wife's behaviour hounding his family?

So the thread wasn't going the way you hoped so you decided to update with a different sob story to try to turn it around. The bit about being a SAHM added as you know it will rile a lot of users...
Who goes for a night away with a four year old and doesn't pack snacks and drinks?? That's either utter bullshit or you're an absolute ameatuer.

My issue is him getting drunker than we agreed when my back was turned

I’d imagine he told you what you wanted to hear to get rid of you, because you seem to think you have to agree with him how much and what he can drink. That’s controlling.

bout 20 mins later DS wakes up, confused and looking for his daddy.
then you just tell him daddy is coming later? why on earth was that poor child in tears about it? You don't need 2 parents to go back to sleep, he wasn't left alone in a room so why the upset?

How much "preparation" do you need when your 4 yo asks where his daddy is at a wedding?

You are being ridiculous

From the post the agreement was that he'd be sober enough to mind DS whilst DS stayed with him to play with his cousins whilst you went to bed. DS went to bed with you instead of being looked after by Dad so Dad assumed that meant he could drink how much he liked (I'd have assumed the same). I think he should have communicated better and I don't think how he's spoken to you is right but on the whole yabu.

Your first post YABU

But your massive drip feeding and changing everything YANBU.

But YABU having another child with him.

You clearly wanted your husband back to the room, and it might have possibly been because you didn't want him drinking spirits and turning into Mr Nasty. He promised he wouldn't drink too much or drink spirits, prior to the wedding. If the above was your goal, then unfortunately it backfired miserably. All you achieved is annoying your husband, to the point where he probably drank too much, because he was annoyed! And then drank spirits, because he knew it would piss you off. I'm not saying his choices were the rights ones, and certainly shouting at you wasn't. However, once you realised he was staying at the party (and it was pretty clear after only a couple of calls to him), you should have let him be. Not ideal no, but you can't stop someone from drinking, let alone too much. He saw your behaviour as trying to 'control' him, and dictate what he could and couldn't do. If you'd let him be, he might have stopped drinking and come up to the room on his own steam, rather than feeling 'forced' to do it. I appreciate you were staying somewhere with shared facilities, but you could have called reception to ask for a glass and nipped to the bathroom to get water or asked reception to bring you a bottle. Your son was asleep, it would have taken a couple of minutes to run and fill a glass of water. Next time, take a bottle of water with you and supplies. Your husband sounds resentful of the fact you are a SAHM. It's wrong to throw this in your face, as presumably it was agreed between you? Are you struggling financially, and he's worrying about money?

He sounds horrible; being rude to you is inexcusable. Ok he wanted to enjoy the wedding and that’s fine but he didn’t communicate at all. Everyone saying you’re out of order for calling so much; I get it, but you only did because he kept saying he was on his way or coming etc so you had to check back. If he just did what he said first time, it would have been fine. I don’t think it’s a lot to ask for a husband to bring his pregnant wife a drink and check on his son once during a wedding night esp as you had taken your son to bed so HE could carry on with his night?! The bar is so low that people are criticising you for hoping your husband would bring you a glass of water?!

OP HERE
I will take that im probably a little controlling. We both have a lot of unresolved issues. A lot of which come from having parents who abused alcohol so its definitely a trigger point. I wasn't trying to drip feed info to make him look worse I was responding to other people's comments with more context. We have been together 13 years and he has not drank spirits for about 5 of those years due to previous Incidents where he would lose his temper or be otherwise belligerent. Maybe only 3 or 4 times a year but everytime he consumed spirits. I text SIL saying "ds is a little upset if you see dh can you send him my way" she said she was going to bed but had let him know and party was winding down so I waited 30 mins for him to make his way up and then I rang bil to see if they were together. Dh packed the bag for our son not me so I was unaware we didn't have snacks. And the shoes were left in the car by mistake. Our room was not ready before the ceremony so dh offered to go to the car and check our stuff into the room while i stayed with ds as there was a storm outside and he didn't spot the shoes in the footwell. Yes I was definitely under prepared. The walk to the reception area was quite steep and dark so I could not have walked down in heels with my son in my arms and a belly. Yes I could go to the bathroom sink down the hall but its not fresh water in there its tank water and I was not at the point of desperation. I didn't expect dh to stay in the room with me just check in or drop a drink when asked as he knew the shoes were in the car. The fact he waited until I left to drink vodka rather than just say I fancy some spirits tonight just feels sneaky.

1. Why/how have you name changed mid thread?
2. Why did you drag your child into it instead of just saying 'Daddy's still at the wedding'?

Your husband is a functioning alcoholic - google it - my husband is one too so I know the signs 🙄 also he’s abusive and frankly I’d be getting out of there with my child and going home without him!

I don't know i was logged out and when I tried to log in it asked me to pick a username again. I wasn't trying to manipulate him with our son i just thought he'd pop up for a few minutes to help him settle and go back down

OP tool DS because DS was tired...

We are not struggling financially, and I started to look into going back to work last September when DS started preschool, but because we were trying for baby 2, he said I should stay at home. We had 4 losses in between these babies, so it was a stressful time. He is definitely resentful, and we have spoken about it before and I constantly show how much we appreciate how hard he works. I do all the housework, all the cooking. I buy his clothes. I look after his elderly relative, so I do my fair share

He should have told OP that he was going to make a night of it, not keep saying that he was on his way when he wasn't.