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AIBU?

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Teenage daughter harassed by ex’s new girlfriend

109 replies

FCat · 07/09/2025 08:47

morning, looking for advice please. Midnight last night some random girl knocked on our door asking to speak to my daughter. Turns out my daughter’s ex boyfriend had driven her over to confront my daughter for phoning him. They split up last year but have unfortunately kept in touch here and there. Now it appears he has a new girlfriend. The relationship wasn’t ideal, my daughter was only 16 when they got together, usual story: didn’t like her friends, didn’t like her going out, accusing her or cheating, etc etc, eventually split up and ever since then he still keeps tabs on her through mutual acquaintances - still accuses her of dating others (not that it’s any of his business now), has turned up at her part time job to have a go at some lad he’s accused her of dating. When they split he screen shot her personal messages and sent them to friends, coworkers, etc. One time he also drove her around in his car at that time in the middle of the night, refusing to take her home, getting mates, a sibling etc to scream abuse at her down the phone. Until now we have let it slide, my daughter is leaving for uni in the next few days so we’d hoped this would be the end of it. However this morning, I am fuming and as you can imagine barely slept - I am torn between bashing on his door this morning (he lives with parents still) and giving him what for, or reporting last nights incident to the police. I am spitting at the midnight visit, made worse that the girlfriend knocked on the door whilst he loitered like a coward down the path. Or do I leave it as she leaves in a few days anyway, and my daughter doesn’t want me to make it worse? I’m not even sure if the police will be interested - it is all recorded on my cameras. But right now, doing nothing makes me feel useless

OP posts:
ASimpleLampoon · 07/09/2025 20:28

Police. ASAP.

AnSolas · 07/09/2025 20:54

FCat · 07/09/2025 18:48

Update: we have filed a police report regarding both of them. We will also request in writing that he and the gf do not contact DD either directly or indirectly. Any further incidents will also be reported - if he turns up here again or at uni it will be treated as stalking. We will advise her uni and accommodation of the issue. He and mates are blocked on everything we can think of

for those who asked, DH answered the door last night and told them to leave. DD did not see them

hopefully this will now be the end, at least for DD

DD is good, visibly relieved and optimistic, packing, organising and moving on to the next chapter of her life

thank you for all the advice

Its great that the police are taking action.

Now for the family bit
Have you sat down and talked about what DD should do and should not do if he or his friends turn up again?

Things like how to get help?
how to stay in a place with other people?
how to not let him with in grabbing distance?
how she needs to say " go away I do not want to speak with you" to any and all attempts to get her to engage in a conversation?
how she should yell and/or scream to attract attention?
how to ask people to call the police?

FCat · 07/09/2025 21:03

AnSolas · 07/09/2025 20:54

Its great that the police are taking action.

Now for the family bit
Have you sat down and talked about what DD should do and should not do if he or his friends turn up again?

Things like how to get help?
how to stay in a place with other people?
how to not let him with in grabbing distance?
how she needs to say " go away I do not want to speak with you" to any and all attempts to get her to engage in a conversation?
how she should yell and/or scream to attract attention?
how to ask people to call the police?

Yes, the police have also spoken to her about what to do - now they have details, if she calls 999 they will attend, if she cannot speak she needs to call, leave the line open and they will track her phone. If out find a safe space, shop etc and call. Her siblings are also aware of what to do. Thank you for your comments and additional advice

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 07/09/2025 21:05

This sounds positive hopefully this will be the end of it. She might be hypervigilant for a while but hopefully her going to university will help move on,

Ilovelifeverymuch · 07/09/2025 22:44

FCat · 07/09/2025 21:03

Yes, the police have also spoken to her about what to do - now they have details, if she calls 999 they will attend, if she cannot speak she needs to call, leave the line open and they will track her phone. If out find a safe space, shop etc and call. Her siblings are also aware of what to do. Thank you for your comments and additional advice

I am glad the police are taking it seriously, this will help boost her confidence and give her peace of mind (and also you and your DH) as she moves unto the next chapter of her life.

I wish her all the best going forward, unfortunately sometimes we learn life lessons through difficult and painful experiences but she I'm sure she is definitely wiser after this and I hope she finds someone who loves and respects her and treats her with dignity.

JFDIYOLO · 07/09/2025 23:57

Good to know they've taken it seriously.

Hopefully she's blocked the pair of them absolutely everywhere.

I take it the ex and his girlfriend are also very young?

She must be extremely careful at uni - not revealing her accommodation address information or pictures especially on social media. She has no way of knowing which of her friends might be reporting back to him.

Ensure her siblings understand that allowing this to go on so far was a mistake on your part, how to recognise a coercive control abuser and how to get away.

These articles are worth sharing with them:

What is domestic abuse / coercive control:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

'Flying monkeys':

https://narcissistic-abuse.net/knowledge-base/what-are-flying-monkeys

The law on sharing intimate photos:

https://www.college.police.uk/guidance/sharing-photographs-of-people-intimate-state

Coercive control - Women’s Aid

What is coercive control? Domestic abuse isn’t always physical. Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.  Coercive and contr...

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Leteveryoneseeit · 08/09/2025 00:29

Your DD has been the victim of emotional violence and coercive control - did she report all of the other incidents - because establishing “a pattern of behaviour”’ is very important. Each of these incidents will together be compounding. If not she should do - the police need to know the all these details to establish risk. Something she might think is trivial maybe a significant red flag.

Also is she getting professional psychological support or help her recover from the impact of this sustained abuse?

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 08/09/2025 00:52

There is a way of texting the police too but you have to register first I think.

Change2banon · 09/09/2025 01:05

ASimpleLampoon · 07/09/2025 20:28

Police. ASAP.

At least read all OP’s posts before posting 🙄

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