Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenage daughter harassed by ex’s new girlfriend

109 replies

FCat · 07/09/2025 08:47

morning, looking for advice please. Midnight last night some random girl knocked on our door asking to speak to my daughter. Turns out my daughter’s ex boyfriend had driven her over to confront my daughter for phoning him. They split up last year but have unfortunately kept in touch here and there. Now it appears he has a new girlfriend. The relationship wasn’t ideal, my daughter was only 16 when they got together, usual story: didn’t like her friends, didn’t like her going out, accusing her or cheating, etc etc, eventually split up and ever since then he still keeps tabs on her through mutual acquaintances - still accuses her of dating others (not that it’s any of his business now), has turned up at her part time job to have a go at some lad he’s accused her of dating. When they split he screen shot her personal messages and sent them to friends, coworkers, etc. One time he also drove her around in his car at that time in the middle of the night, refusing to take her home, getting mates, a sibling etc to scream abuse at her down the phone. Until now we have let it slide, my daughter is leaving for uni in the next few days so we’d hoped this would be the end of it. However this morning, I am fuming and as you can imagine barely slept - I am torn between bashing on his door this morning (he lives with parents still) and giving him what for, or reporting last nights incident to the police. I am spitting at the midnight visit, made worse that the girlfriend knocked on the door whilst he loitered like a coward down the path. Or do I leave it as she leaves in a few days anyway, and my daughter doesn’t want me to make it worse? I’m not even sure if the police will be interested - it is all recorded on my cameras. But right now, doing nothing makes me feel useless

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 07/09/2025 10:07

Most definitely log it with the police and get a notebook started with all the evidence!! He is completely unhinged!!

Who the fuck in their right mind, drives their current girlfriend round to have a go at an ex? This is so weird and downright abusive.

And you must get it through to your daughter to break all contact, no texts, calls, fb likes, insta follows!! Absolutely nothing!! She cannot allow this to follow her to uni!!

Tagyoureit · 07/09/2025 10:08

financialcareerstuff · 07/09/2025 09:34

I’m sorry your daughter is going through this.

… but it makes me uncomfortable that your title implies it is his new girlfriend who is the problem and the main harasser. When actually it is the ex who has been clearly abusive on an ongoing basis. And this is one last example of that. He has now used his new girlfriend (who is probably also being manipulated/abused) as a tool for his continuing harassment - probably telling her god knows what to fire her up and drive her to your home.

why is your title blaming the other young woman? It is not harassment to turn up on someone’s doorstep once. Whereas the ex is clearly abusive and harassing on a repeated, ongoing basis, using multiple different tactics. Can we please put the responsibility on the man it belongs to please?

Well the new girlfriend sounds unhinged too!! You're right that it is mainly led by the ex boyfriend but the new girlfriend isn't entirely innocent here is she?

InterestedDad37 · 07/09/2025 10:11

The police might not actually do anything, but at least report and get it logged.

Original poster
FCat · 07/09/2025 10:17

financialcareerstuff · 07/09/2025 09:34

I’m sorry your daughter is going through this.

… but it makes me uncomfortable that your title implies it is his new girlfriend who is the problem and the main harasser. When actually it is the ex who has been clearly abusive on an ongoing basis. And this is one last example of that. He has now used his new girlfriend (who is probably also being manipulated/abused) as a tool for his continuing harassment - probably telling her god knows what to fire her up and drive her to your home.

why is your title blaming the other young woman? It is not harassment to turn up on someone’s doorstep once. Whereas the ex is clearly abusive and harassing on a repeated, ongoing basis, using multiple different tactics. Can we please put the responsibility on the man it belongs to please?

I absolutely agree with what you’re saying, ultimately it is the ex boyfriend is the cause of all this and the problem, it’s just my poor wording as she was the one who turned up last night whilst he hid down the path. That said, she was the one looking for the scrap

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 07/09/2025 10:30

The other girl is another victim of his behaviour just like your daughter. She’s obviously in an intense relationship with him just like your daughter was and she’s seen evidence of them talking still which has rightly so upset her and instead of her boyfriend taking accountability for it he’s sent her to your door.

Your daughter needs to cut all contact and then she wouldn’t be dragged into this messy situation.

EnFlique · 07/09/2025 10:30

It makes me quite uncomfortable that you’ve dismissed the previous behaviour as “the usual story”. This isn’t normal at all, it’s controlling and abusive.
The ongoing abuse is also concerning.
If you minimise this behaviour and ignore it why would your daughter see it as an issue if it happens again in another relationship?
I think you should name it as what it is with her and support her to report it to the police if that’s what she wants to do.

Goodadvice1980 · 07/09/2025 10:35

I wonder if it would be worth also letting dds university know as well. Forewarned is forearmed and all that.

ARichtGoodDram · 07/09/2025 10:37

Don't go to the police if your DD doesn't want you to - the last thing you want is her to feel she can't tell you if this behaviour continues. If she's going to be away from you then you need the communication channels to be well and truly open.

Is she going to uni far from home?

tripleginandtonic · 07/09/2025 10:37

DaisyChain505 · 07/09/2025 08:57

She needs to stop interacting with him for one.

This. Moving to uni and on with her life will help. I'm not sure going to the police will achieve much right now.

FallingIntoAutumn · 07/09/2025 10:37

Christ. I hope he doesn’t know which uni she’s going to.
yes talk to your daughter about reporting to the police. Also go through the fact what he did was a crime and is not acceptable.

YanTanTetheraPetheraBumfitt · 07/09/2025 10:40

I’d be wanting to do both. Go round and tell him face to face in front of his parents so they know what’s going on and hopefully they read him the riot act.

If you’re not satisfied with his response at that point or there’s any further incidents go to the police. In the mean time your Dd needs to send one last message telling him to never contact her again (screenshot this as evidence he’s been told) and then block him on everything.

dd had similar behaviour from her ex and the police weren’t great to be honest. They were making excuses for him, that he was in our village becoming he was going to the shop (his own village has a shop), stuff like that. But in fairness they did talk to him and that scared him off.

YanTanTetheraPetheraBumfitt · 07/09/2025 10:41

Oh and it was the police who told Dd to send one final message saying not to contact her again. Then he’s had it in writing and that’s the evidence he’s been told.

Ginburee · 07/09/2025 10:47

Police amd his parents, this is very worrying behaviour.

Coffeeishot · 07/09/2025 10:49

My Dd was in a similar relationship although she was a little bit older and the police were involved after they split up and the police were fantastic i can't fault them.

PangolinPan · 07/09/2025 10:58

Please call the police!! They may be able to make a charge for the previous behaviour and possible stalking/harassment for the most recent offence.
He sounds incredibly dangerous. Look up the case of Alice Ruggles. She must NOT tell him where she is living at university.

JohnofWessex · 07/09/2025 11:12

If nothing else you = the OP want to advise the Police so he never turns up at yours again without serious consequences

JFDIYOLO · 07/09/2025 11:13

You let it slide???

You watched your teen daughter being repeatedly abused and endangered by this man - and you let it slide???

Only now, when his behaviour directly affects you, are you asking what to do?????

Call. The. Police.

This man has already proved himself to be a danger to girls by the way he abused your child.

Now he has another victim to wind up and control.

This kind of behaviour can only escalate. Having developed these habits already, he will get worse and worse and worse.

Do your duty and report the whole catalogue to the police with the evidence from your doorbell.

This other girl is not the problem - she is a symptom and a casualty of the problem; and she may need help, too.

ThatCleverCoralCrow · 07/09/2025 11:54

Yes, you can speak to the police even just for advice or for them to log everything that has happened should anything else happen in the future. There's a couple of crimes in what you've said, particularly the bf in the car getting people to shout abuse at your daughter and not taking her home. Do you have the girl shouting and swearing on ring doorbell footage? Even better as that is seen as abusive and threatening behaviour which is a crime. Police should take domestic related incidents seriously due to the potential for escalation.

ComfortFoodCafe · 07/09/2025 11:57

The police cant do anything as she’s actively engaging with him. She needs to block him and have nothing more to do with him.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 07/09/2025 12:06

londongirl12 · 07/09/2025 08:52

I’m not sure the police will do anything about last night. She needs to block him on everything, why is she still engaging with him if he’s been that awful?

They prob wouldn't do anything but she should still report it in case things escalate and also she can use it to threaten the ex and his idiot gf to leave her alone.

And I agree with you she should also block him and cut off all contact immediately, there was no reason for her to continue to contact him but I also understand given she's young and maybe first love all that but this is a big life lesson for her.

Coffeeishot · 07/09/2025 12:12

ComfortFoodCafe · 07/09/2025 11:57

The police cant do anything as she’s actively engaging with him. She needs to block him and have nothing more to do with him.

This absolutely not true,

Nearly50omg · 07/09/2025 12:13

Harassment and abduction with the other event!!! Why haven’t you called the police before now?!?

Tootietoots · 07/09/2025 12:16

Police . Tell them rhe whole lot and have it logged.

Soontobe60 · 07/09/2025 12:20

Please ask your DD to read this - she’s off to Uni, has already had one boyfriend who’s been abusive towards her and needs to be fully aware of what coercive controlling behaviour looks like. Also, call the police about last night’s incident if only to have it placed on record.
https://safelives.org.uk/about-domestic-abuse/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

What is coercive control

Coercive and controlling behaviour can have a serious, and long-lasting, impact. Find out more about the signs and what you can do to help.

https://safelives.org.uk/about-domestic-abuse/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/