How attracted to someone do you need to be??

[Spookygoose]

I’ve been on 3 dates with a guy I really get along with and fancy a little bit. We’ve slept together once and it was fairly good. Everything about him is perfect - personality, life situation, he likes me a lot. But I’m confused about whether I’m attracted to him ‘enough’. I don’t have a strong urge to kiss him (but I do a little bit) or rip his clothes off but I THINK I like the idea of sleeping with him again. I’m so confused 😕 he’d make a great partner (from what I know so far) but I’m worried that that tiny bit of attraction that’s there might fizzle out pretty quickly considering it’s kinda weak to start off with. I look forward to seeing him when I’m not with him and don’t want the date to end when I am with him…but I just don’t know if I fancy him enough! Can anyone shed any light on what I should do? I’m so undecided

Why did you sleep with him if you are only a bit attracted to him? That's a pretty low bar.

Is it?

Everything about him is perfect - personality, life situation, he likes me a lot

Peoples looks change over time, personality doesn't tend to

I’m worried that that tiny bit of attraction that’s there might fizzle out pretty quickly considering it’s kinda weak to start off with

I think that’s a fair concern.

The number of threads I’ve read on here from posters who never really fancied their partner or spouse has really shocked me. It can go on for multiple kids and decades, unhappily, and it seems just a sad waste.

It depends what you’re looking for I suppose.

Do you like how he smells? Do you want to rest your head on his shoulder if you’ve had a shit day? Lie in his arms on a lazy morning?

A friend of mine felt like this with a guy I set her up with.
She is now happily married to him, they have children and he has adopted her two children from a previous relationship.
He really grew on her, she is now deeply in love with him.
See how it grows no pressure in early days

What have your previous relationships been like?
What are you looking for?

Speaking from experience, don't do it. A lifetime is a long time.

Sometimes love and attraction can be a slow burner, so it maybe worth bit of time, but tbh, if sparks still don't fly I'd move on pretty quick.

Take your time, attraction can grow

You’re worried about things that may not happen.
Go with the flow

In general relationships work better when the woman likes the man less than he likes her. Stay cool and see how it develops - your indifference will probably bring the best out in him...

I look forward to seeing him when I’m not with him and don’t want the date to end when I am with him

I'd say that this is "enough". Someone that makes you laugh, who is interesting company, is kind and funny and generous and doesn't take themselves too seriously knocks the socks off a pretty boy with no substance if you're after someone for the long haul.

Previous relationships I’ve always really fancied them in the beginning and never had to question it. However we weren’t always well matched in other ways or love didn’t last hence why I’m now single in my 30s. I’m looking for a life partner really. I’ve got a young son and I want a stable long-term relationship. I feel like he’s someone I could have that with potentially..apart from the weak physical attraction. I’m not willing to settle, I want a partner but it has to be right

I think you’ve answered your own question.

You're not willing to settle. This would absolutely be settling.

I had relationships with men I wasn’t all that attracted to because I was terrified of being hurt by men who were attractive. I was always deeply unhappy even though they were all very nice.

I met my husband and was completely obsessed with him. I’ve never fancied anyone as much as him and luckily we were compatible in all the other areas.

It’s a real gamble. I have many friends who settled for the nice guy. Some are happy. Some aren’t. None of them have sex anymore.

You have to be really honest with yourself. Can you imagine really being happy with this long term, or would you be stringing him along?

Do you think he would be happy to be in a relationship with you if he knew you felt a weak physical attraction to him?

No I’m sure he wouldn’t. What I’m wondering I guess is if attraction can grow. I personally haven’t experienced attraction not being very strong in the beginning but it then growing and getting stronger, but I know people who this has happened for. So I suppose I’m just hoping it’ll grow but going on my previous experience it doesn’t. So yeah, just unsure how to go forward with it, not ready to shut it down yet but don’t want to lead him on either

Took me 3 dates before I realised I fancied my now husband .

Attraction can definitely grow and tbh become more real. Initial attraction can be based on assumptions or first impressions but a deepening attraction can grow from a real connection- or how he makes you feel safe, or how much you laugh together etc. Niceness is very very underrated and to me a really attractive quality my husband has that makes me feel safe and that’s attractive to me.

Attraction and connection can definitely grow, as is possible with the reverse. I wouldn't think of it as looking to fill the position of long term partner, but if you want to see him again, then do it. And repeat until that's no longer the case. Light touch required.

This is how I felt when I first met my now husband. I was attracted to him but he didn’t sweep me off my feet. I wanted to see him but didn’t obsess about him, iykwim.

Fifteen years and 3 children later we are still together and have a strong relationship. I really admired and respected him for the sort of person he was: his values, integrity, kindness etc. He is an amazing dad. For me, all of these things are more important in a marriage than simply being extremely strongly attracted to someone.

I would give it time

Don’t settle. It won’t work. You have to find him attractive.
I had a date with a guy tonight and he ticked every single box. Gorgeous, emotionally intelligent, single for a while after his marriage ended and hasn’t really dated. Lives in my village. I could have slept with him but I didn’t.
He’s long term potential and I could have ripped his clothes off. But I know very little about him. I need to know more.
I’ve had dates like yours before and attraction doesn’t always grow. You just get more of an ick. If there isn’t that connection to start with, it often fizzles out.
Find someone that ticks more boxes. You can’t fake attraction.

You say you've not yet had growing attraction - in contrast I'm always super bemused by the people who have instant attraction. Just not wired that way - I've never had a relationship that wasn't a slow burn that grew over time as I got to know them. And by slow burn I mean 6mths - 18mths.

Sounds to me like there's plenty of positives there - if it does fizzle, oh well, so do lots of things. While you are still somewhat attracted to him, why not keep giving him a chance, and if it grows, great, and if it fizzles, move on. Lust and raw sexual attraction is important over time, but as you've noticed, it doesn't necessarily lead to great partnership choices - and it definitely can grow, if you give it a chance.

This

Keep dating him and see what develops. He sounds like it’s worth giving it some time to see if you want to go the distance with him

Please don’t be put off this by this OP. Nice guys tend to be selfless and attentive lovers - speaking from experience 😉

Some people are and some people aren’t able to have good sexual relationships with people they don’t find physically attractive.

I have many, many friends who didn’t find their partners sexually attractive but continued on to marriage. Some of them are happy with the companionship. Others feel they made a mistake.

I’m not a person who can have a fulfilling sex life with someone I don’t really fancy, and I’m perfectly valid in sharing that.

It seems like OP might not be either.

You're trying to settle