How attracted to someone do you need to be??

[Spookygoose]

I’ve been on 3 dates with a guy I really get along with and fancy a little bit. We’ve slept together once and it was fairly good. Everything about him is perfect - personality, life situation, he likes me a lot. But I’m confused about whether I’m attracted to him ‘enough’. I don’t have a strong urge to kiss him (but I do a little bit) or rip his clothes off but I THINK I like the idea of sleeping with him again. I’m so confused 😕 he’d make a great partner (from what I know so far) but I’m worried that that tiny bit of attraction that’s there might fizzle out pretty quickly considering it’s kinda weak to start off with. I look forward to seeing him when I’m not with him and don’t want the date to end when I am with him…but I just don’t know if I fancy him enough! Can anyone shed any light on what I should do? I’m so undecided

A great result!

For me, utterly, totally, absolutely in love!

That's the only way I'll have sex with anyone. I guess I must have a low sex drive (reading MN!! 😀- I never had any hang-ups until I started reading this forum)) but I have zero interest in sex itself, only in the relationship and the other person.

This attitude has kept me safe from a lot of trouble, heartache and rubbish men.

Is it an attitude or are you maybe Demi sexual? I don’t know if I personally believe in labels like this as everyone’s an individual and no one fits nearly into a box but demi sexual is a term used to describe people who don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone they haven’t got a very strong emotional connection with. So it’s not a choice like an attitude might be, it’s more just the way they are

You aren't that into him and it won't last. Set him free to find someone who is attracted to him. It's unfair on him to waste his time.

Ooh, I’ve never heard of that.

I'm definitely straight - I just need lots of time to build a relationship with someone and have never wanted to have sex with a ‘stranger’, or someone I’ve just met. But I do think I’m unusual!

Glad it's working out for you!
Was coming on to say I was similar with my ex- wasn't sure how much I fancied him, but the attraction did grow because he was a lovely guy, and we had a great relationship (and sex life!) for 7 years, and only split because we had different views on commitment (he didn't want marriage, but was happy to consider kids, I wanted both!)
Met new guy couple of years later. I fancied him, and slept with him straight away- he really wasn't relationship material, but made a great ONS. Only he came back for another date, so I thought it would be a fun occasional thing....26 years we are still here! Married 23years with 3 kids..
There are all sorts of attraction, and every relationship is different and worth a chance

It’s not to do with sexual orientation, as far as I’m aware you can be any orientation and be demisexual

Thanks for the lovely update, OP. I was one of the posters advising you to give it longer so am feeling very wise and happily vindicated 😀!

I have a theory - it could be nonsense like many of my theories 😂 - or there could be something to it. I think people can be the slow burner types where they take a while to fancy, get feelz and fall in love. I am the ‘it’s there straight away or it will never be’ type. It’s taken me 8 years of dating to realise this. I stuck with the slow burns hoping I’d start to feel something - anything! - never did bar ‘what a nice chap’. I was beginning to think it was over for me and I’d wave the white flag. Then I found my partner - sparks a flying from first meet, and from the first kiss I was utterly smitten. At 51 as well so no spring chicken.

if, god forbid, I was ever out there again I know that if I don’t feel much at the outset there is no point in me carrying on.
that’s just the way I’m made.

OP I think you have to work out what sort of person you are!

I believed wholeheartedly in your theory until I proved myself wrong! (Read my update) I’ve always been the same as you too, always knew without a doubt whether I fancied someone within an hour of meeting, and most times, within seconds of meeting. Yes, attraction got stronger from there but there was always that baseline there initially. With this guy though I didn’t feel any baseline of attraction initially. I did like him a lot as a person though, and as I explained in my update, my attraction has developed to the point where I now really fancy him. It’s never happened to me before so I’m pleasantly surprised! And just goes to show people are not necessarily the slow burn type or the instant attraction type, rather that either thing can happen to anyone.

Love and attraction are very different things. I was a bit like OP with my ex. I did think he was attractive, but he wasn’t my usual type and not sure I’d say I “fancied” him, but we got on and he was good person, ticked a lot of boxes etc. I loved him so much and I still do. But that lack of raw lust, passion, sexual attraction, chemistry etc meant that I ended up finding sex very difficult. That wasn’t fair on either of us.

The person I am with now is more “my type” and I feel a physical desire and connection with him 4 years on that I don’t think I ever had with my ex 😕

Sure, I could have bumbled along with my ex and we’d have been “happy” on the face of it, successful, holidays, not really argue etc. but that’s basically a friendship, not a relationship.

I've been blessed, every person I have ever been in a relationship with, have been good decent kind people. The two people I had strong physical attractions to were certainly not the right partners for me. That said, you usually are blinded to faults at the beginning of a relationship, and hormones take over. The honeymoon period is a thing, and people can get addicted to it, and jump from one to another. I would be worried somewhat if you weren't feeling a strong attraction at the beginning. However, I find that wanes and fizzles somewhat and the stronger bonds of partnership take over. I want to be close to my partner and miss them at a distance even if I don't want to rip their clothes off! I have never gotten the 'ick' from my partner. I sometimes sigh when they are being an impatient driver, but that's about it. If you like spending time together and it's comfortable and easy, and you want to be near them, then that's surely a great start.