How attracted to someone do you need to be??

[Spookygoose]

I’ve been on 3 dates with a guy I really get along with and fancy a little bit. We’ve slept together once and it was fairly good. Everything about him is perfect - personality, life situation, he likes me a lot. But I’m confused about whether I’m attracted to him ‘enough’. I don’t have a strong urge to kiss him (but I do a little bit) or rip his clothes off but I THINK I like the idea of sleeping with him again. I’m so confused 😕 he’d make a great partner (from what I know so far) but I’m worried that that tiny bit of attraction that’s there might fizzle out pretty quickly considering it’s kinda weak to start off with. I look forward to seeing him when I’m not with him and don’t want the date to end when I am with him…but I just don’t know if I fancy him enough! Can anyone shed any light on what I should do? I’m so undecided

As a general rule you can't build a long and happy relationship with someone if there's zero sexual attraction. You will end up finding someone repellent. There's no point in being with someone if there's no connection: you're better off alone.

That said, sexual attraction can build over time. When I met my current partner I didn't immediately fancy him much, it grew over a few dates.

But if you've slept with him and there's no connection at all, I'd say it's not going to fly.

Everyone I know who didn’t really fancy their partner is now either divorced or in a sexless marriage with huge cracks in it. I’m sorry to say I also know women who tolerate sex they hate, out of a sense of obligation. It does very bad things to their heads. Don’t do it.

I’m usually a blow burner type where attraction grows over time. However the one relationship I had where the opposite was true and we had instant attraction and huge chemistry was the best 3 years of my life.

I saw him again recently for the first time in 20 years and it was a wow moment. His hair was grey, his face was older, he had put a bit of weight on but my god the chemistry and attraction was still there! I would love to be in a relationship that has that and who has all the other attributes.

How much does he earn?

I cannot beleive the number of people on here telling you to settle! I dont think it's only weak attraction that's putting you off this man.. ?

I think red flags are there in the beginning, most just choose to look past or ignore or maybe arnt even aware some of their behaviour is a red flag

How far into your 30s are you? Once I got into my mid 30s perimenopause must have started as I stopped finding men as attractive before. Mid 40s now and cannot even imagine wanting to rip a man's clothes off. I can look at a man and know he is attractive, but have zero feelings of being actually attracted to him, if that makes sense.

As you can see from these responses, different people have a different approach to this.

To me, it sounds like this is a perfectly promising beginning - attraction absolutely can grow over time (in my experience, the more I like a guy's personality, the more attracted to him I can become physically) and this is still very early days for you.

You already know that situations where you started with a strong physical attraction have come to nothing so it makes sense to try something a bit different.

It's only been 3 dates. You don't have to make any big decisions yet - just keep it under review. I would say that if by, say, 2-3 months in you're still not feeling much attraction, then that might be a sign that it's not going to happen. Of course you can walk away now if you want to but in your shoes I would be inclined to give it a bit longer. And I don't think giving it a bit longer to see if feelings grow is settling! Staying with him for months and years if you realise that feelings won't grow - that is settling.

It really is the only thing putting me off. Everything else so far is pretty perfect - great personality, loads in common, great sense of humour, financially stable, great dress sense, wants kids (and I’d like to have another child) so that’s a huge bonus. I wouldn’t settle if the attraction didn’t grow but I am thinking about investing more time into him to see if it gets any stronger

I’m the other person here. My BF (of 11 months) told me recently (whilst drunk) that he isn’t that attracted to my body. I am a size 16 and apparently He needs more ‘tone’.

As you can imagine, I was devastated. I couldn’t understand how someone could say this to someone that they apparently love, someone with whom they have a very active sex life and someone who they actively chased after in the first few months.

When we talked about it the next day, he was very matter of fact, and said surely there were things about his body that I would like to change.

anyway, I sat on it for a week, and then ended things.

He was absolutely devastated and has done an awful lot of groveling, so we are trying again. But I think about it every single day if I am honest. It has really hurt me.

For me, attraction grows through getting to know and like their personality alongside really good sex. Was the sex good? That's the essential bit for me personally. If they can make me orgasm and make me laugh, then I'll end up attracted.

This.

Is he a vet?

Even Jason Statham? 😋(I'm 66).

Loving someone and being attracted to them as a whole package of looks, personality and chemistry isn’t synonymous with actively finding every part of them attractive though. I love and am attracted to my partner but there is a particular attribute (loose skin on a certain part of his body from weight loss) that if I’m being honest I find a bit gross. I haven’t used that word to him but I have been honest with him that I don’t find that part of him attractive (within the context of a conversation about attraction and bodies I didn’t just bring it up out of nowhere). I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Likewise I wouldn’t be offended if he said he found me attractive but didn’t like my nose/bum/preferred me slimmer etc

I’m so glad you found the strength to leave him.
x

Consider the fact that many guys are being very careful how they act a woman now. Maybe he's being on his best behaviour and you don't feel like you are getting a true sense of who he is. If you don't not like him and he's perfect it other ways, there's no harm going on another few dates until you figure it out. And u don't have to sleep with him until you're sure if you don't want to

It's ok to take things slowly and get to know him. There's only so well you can know someone after 3 dates. If you have been in a bad relationship in the past, you may have been with a guy who moved faster and was more demanding of your attention. I think girls often confuse the anxiety response associated with this, with attraction or him really liking her. If he is respecting how you actually feel and is not demanding your attention. It's a good thing. I think men demanding they have your attention and then girls going along with it, until they can't could be the root of domestic violence. No need to make your mind up instantly

I’ve just been in a very similar position with a man who I get on SO well with, could build a beautiful life with, and have loads of fun with. His personality is so attractive to me, but physically I’m not feeling it. We’ve dated for nearly 4 months but I’ve had to end it after he’s said he’s in love with me, and it feels awful. I hope we can stay friends, he’s an amazing human, but unfortunately the attraction hasn’t grown like I hoped it would. I would give it longer, but not too long, because people get hurt.

I’d give it a few more dates at least, either the attraction will grow and you will actually fall in love with him, which helps the attraction to grow even more - or things will fizzle out pretty quickly and you can move on

I felt like this with my dh. I was attracted to him when I met him but not like I have been to some people.. my boyfriend before him was the best sex but what a bastard.

Over the years my feelings, love and respect for dh have grown. This is my second marriage and I thank my lucky stars every day. As long as you enjoy the physical side too, even if it’s not the best ever, in my opinion a good partner is worth his weight in gold.

Thought I’d do an update to this as I’ve really surprised myself. I started spending a lot more time with him hanging out, doing stuff on Sunday afternoons when sex/intimacy wouldn’t be on the table cos I had to get back for the kids or we had separate plans later on etc and the attraction really grew in a way I really didn’t think was going to happen. I started to really fancy him and finally had sex again the other night and it was amazing. I’m super into him now and fancy the pants off him! I’m really surprised cos for my whole life it’s always been very black and white for me. I either clearly fancy them in the beginning or I don’t and that never changes but just goes to show it’s not that simple!

And thanks to those who said to give it longer. It was definitely good advice!

That’s a lovely update.
Congratulations ☺️

Excellent news!