How attracted to someone do you need to be??

[Spookygoose]

I’ve been on 3 dates with a guy I really get along with and fancy a little bit. We’ve slept together once and it was fairly good. Everything about him is perfect - personality, life situation, he likes me a lot. But I’m confused about whether I’m attracted to him ‘enough’. I don’t have a strong urge to kiss him (but I do a little bit) or rip his clothes off but I THINK I like the idea of sleeping with him again. I’m so confused 😕 he’d make a great partner (from what I know so far) but I’m worried that that tiny bit of attraction that’s there might fizzle out pretty quickly considering it’s kinda weak to start off with. I look forward to seeing him when I’m not with him and don’t want the date to end when I am with him…but I just don’t know if I fancy him enough! Can anyone shed any light on what I should do? I’m so undecided

I’ve found my attraction to a person can grow as I get to know them more and feel secure about their feelings for me? In the past the instant “rip your clothes” feeling has led to relationships that are based only on that and cloud my judgement to the point I’ve kind of had a lightbulb moment and realised there is nothing more than a sexual attraction involved.

Keep on seeing him and see how things develop.

I’m not suggesting she should stay with someone she doesn’t find attractive at all. She has said there is some attraction there, albeit not super strongly (yet), so all I am saying is that she could give it the opportunity to see if the attraction grows (or not, in which case of course it’s fine not to continue).

Also - my experience has been different from yours. Before meeting my husband, I dated a traditionally “hot” man, who treated me like shit in the end. In contrast, my husband is the most kind and generous person, and for me that is a big part of the attraction.

I would give it two months then see how I feel.

And I’m saying that there’s a risk in keeping a relationship going in the hope you’ll start to fancy them. You need both qualities (compatible personalities/ values AND to be attracted to them) to be really happy in a relationship.
If you’d have come on mumsnet and said “I really fancy my boyfriend but he treats me like shit” I wouldn’t have told you to stay with him because he’s “hot”.
This isn’t an either or situation. It’s the rest of her life.
Not to mention it being very unfair on him.

I didn’t say not to. I didn’t say to ignore other people. I just gave my opinion and my experience.

Nothing wrong with ‘settling’ as a concept - everyone does it to some extent anyway, but in my case it was the best decision I ever made.

Looks fade over time. A wonderful personality remains. DH was never handsome, but he’s a tremendous husband and father and I thank god every day for him!

I think there are 2 types of people. Those who have instant attraction (or not). And those who prefer a slow burn.

I know I'm in the first category. I've had 3 relationships since my divorce many years ago. And I had an instant attraction to each of them. Sadly they didn't last. But that's another story.

I've met a number of men who are nice and would be a good partner. But not for me.
My friends think I'm fussy but even after 3 or 4 dates, I just can't see myself falling in love with them.

You seem to be in the first category as well. And while you are still getting to know him, you should ask yourself if you can see yourself with him in the long term.

Don't settle just because he's a nice person. But as others have said, you like him so maybe give it a little longer.
Spend more time together, not in bed, and see what develops

I don't think there are two types of people, instant like/slow burn.. I think both types of attraction can happen for anyone. Sometimes you fancy them first and their personality etc becomes attractive as well later. Othertimes, you're into them as a person first and their looks become more attractive over time because you like and admire that person.

I guess for me, my relationships have been personality first, looks later but looks do come into it a bit at first as well.. just not as important to me.

I would give this chap a chance. It's so hard to find someone who aligns with you in all the important ways. You might find he gets more attractive the more you get to know him.

I’m shocked (and fascinated) that you have lots of friends that didn’t find their partners sexually attractive yet still married them! With respect, were these women very unattractive or did they have some major personality defect or extremely difficult life circumstance? Or were they secretly gay and chose to stay in the closet? Is this common among women? I’ve never even considered that a fairly average woman would ever have a relationship with, let alone marry, someone they didn’t find physically attractive. I mean yes, maybe not fireworks, rip your clothes off type attraction but a basic level of attraction has to be there surely. Otherwise how do you kiss and have sex? There would be zero motivation for either and you’d constantly have the ick. Sex would feel like a slightly gross chore. Who would choose to live their lives like that? Were they that desperate to get married and really thought they couldn’t do any better? Have they ever been unfaithful? Do their husbands know how they feel? Did they have varying different reasons for marrying them and if so what were the reasons?

I think if you didn’t fancy him at all I would say leave it, but you’re not saying that, you’re saying there is some attraction there, it’s just not ‘super hot’. I would say give it time, take the pressure off and just enjoy getting to know each other without any expectations of it leading to something long term at this point.

Yes, my mind is boggling at the one too!

I have heard of plenty of people where the attraction has waned over time, but I don’t know anyone who is married who was never attracted at all to their spouse in the first place (that they would admit to, at least!)

I agree. I mean, attraction develops for everyone - it’s just it’s usually the other way round, it starts out strong then decreases over time. I dated this beautiful man for a few months, years ago. I’m talking people stopping in the street to stare at him! I had a strong, instant physical attraction to him. He was an absolute dick though, treated me like utter shite. His behaviour made him physically unattractive and I actually stopped fancying him, so personality is a big influencer in increasing and decreasing attraction. I’m someone where looks are a strong factor in how much I fancy them initially though. I wish to god I wasn’t like that but I am and I can’t help it. I’ve never fancied anyone who would be considered unattractive and don’t think I ever could. Yes attraction can grow but there has to be a seed to grow from and that seed is the instant physical attraction you get or don’t get when you first meet. In my case the seed seems to be on a spectrum..ah what am I talking about now?!!

Actually, I have just remembered about one friend who ‘settled’ for someone she was really unsure about because the biological clock was ticking loudly. And yes, she is unhappy. But I feel like it is because she has always struggled with aspects of his personality that are difficult o deal with.

I don't think it's that simple. Attraction involves personal as well as physical attributes, for me anyway. In your case op, you might as well have a few more dates to see how it goes. You're not committing yourself long term by doing so.

😂😂😂

No.
They are all attractive women. They had all had boyfriends while we were younger who they really fancied and they were mistreated by them so they all chose the safer option for marriage.
I don’t think it’s uncommon at all. There are plenty of women who will talk about it on mumsnet. ☺️ To answer your questions:

With respect, were these women very unattractive or did they have some major personality defect or extremely difficult life circumstance? No. All attractive. All successful. All lovely.

Or were they secretly gay and chose to stay in the closet? No. They are all straight

Is this common among women? It certainly seems to be.

Were they that desperate to get married and really thought they couldn’t do any better? They all wanted to get married, definitely. Their idea of “better” would be different to mine.

Have they ever been unfaithful? Some.

Do their husbands know how they feel? No. Have you told this man how you feel?

Did they have varying different reasons for marrying them and if so what were the reasons? They wanted to feel they had more control in the relationship and didn’t feel insecure, I think.

“What I’m wondering I guess is if attraction can grow.”

Of course it can! The lightning strike doesn’t hit all of us. I liked DH when I first met him and we went on a few dates, and I liked him more, and it continued from there. We’ve been happily together for over twenty years. Sometimes I think people miss out on happiness by looking for perfection. Any relationship is going to be a bit of a compromise, because you’re both accommodating each other. If you like this chap well enough to have been to bed with him, then carry on seeing him and see how it goes.

I mean wanting to rip someone’s clothes off can be influenced by your cycle…

Just to clarify.

They don’t find their husbands “attractive”. They don’t fancy them. They don’t find them sexy.

I’m not saying they don’t love them. They absolutely love their husbands.

I think many posters are confusing this. Attraction and love are not synonymous.

You've been on 3 dates. Stop catastrophising ! Take it steady. See how it goes. If you still feel the same way after 6 months, think again

“Do their husbands know how they feel? No. Have you told this man how you feel?”

But I do feel a slight attraction to this man. It’s not the same, if I had zero attraction towards him there would never have been a second date and I certainly wouldn’t have slept with him.

I find it really hard to believe that “many” of your friends never had any physical attraction to their husbands whatsoever (also, why would they all admit this to you?) I could believe that they’re no longer attracted to them, but to stand there on your wedding day and marry someone you know you don’t even fancy..just how?!! What about their honeymoons where you’re supposed to spend all day in bed shagging? How could anyone possibly have sex with someone over and over again for an entire day without the slightest bit of physical attraction? At best it would get very boring, at worst you’d be overwhelmed with ick. I don’t doubt they love them. I love my child and my parents deeply, but obviously the thought of anything sexual is disgusting. So..just how do they do it?! It’s sad for the men too, a bit like living a lie. I’m sure they believe their wives are attracted to them (because, like me, they’re unlikely to believe any sane woman would marry a man she wasn’t attracted to) maybe they wouldn’t have wanted to marry them if they knew how they truly felt.

I’m sorry. I don’t have time to answer each and every question you’ve posed again. I’ve tried to be polite and honest.

You see to be getting a little hostile towards me so I’m going to bow out of this one.

Good luck OP ☺️

Lol I’m not catastrophising, I’m just trying to figure out how I feel. 3 dates (plus sex) should be more than enough to know whether you fancy someone or not. This is why I’m so confused - because I just don’t know yet. I also can’t really just carry on or “go with the flow” as others have suggested because now we’ve slept together, if I carry on seeing him he’s going to expect intimacy/kisses/physical contact/flirting etc when I want to scale it back to just hanging out to give me time to figure out how I feel. I guess I’ll have to talk to him 😬

Not on Mumsnet, there seem to be many women who’ve married seemingly nice men only for them to turn into arseholes later on, with no apparent red flags to begin with.

Not hostile at all, sorry if it came across that way. I’m just really fascinated with these women and want to understand their reasons! Maybe slight trauma from previous relationships (as you said they’d been hurt in relationships in the past) and fear of getting hurt so picked a safe bet 🤷‍♀️

You are the only one who knows how much you actually like him. When I've not been keen, the idea of them touching me is revolting. I'm not sure that I really know what "a bit" means, it could add easily grow rather than fade out?