to think you still take a gift to a party?

[Tryingtostayrelevant]

My dc has a number of 18 year old and 21 year old parties taking place in the coming weeks and I enquired as to what gifts they were getting.

They said it’s not a thing to take gifts for the birthday person or the host.

And I said have I taught you no manners and they said if it was older people (40+) inviting them for dinner or similar they would take flowers/wine but not for parties.

AIBU to think a small gift should be taken?

YABU no one does gifts any more
YANBU gifts are still the done thing

For teen parties I think they just seem to be large gatherings, where not everyone even knows the host, just seems to be a case of bring some drink.

In my era would be smaller groups of friends and would have taken a present.

I’m in my 30s and when I went to parties I never took anything. Had my own 21st and didn’t expect anything either. But I’m talking parties with over 100 people and a dj. Not a small group thing. If it was a smaller group I would take something.

I think there was so many different factors at this age including how close the friend is. Close friend present always not always given at party. Party that is funded present. Unfunded party of someone that isn’t a close friend I don’t think it’s required.

@BarbarasRhabarberba
I always take a gift or send money (as some wedding hosts request these days) but I also agree that it shouldn’t be expected and I wouldn’t mind if someone turned up to a party I’m hosting with nothing.

My DD took gifts to the 18th parties. A load of them usually clubbed together to get the birthday person something nice (gig ticket, nice clothing etc). They usually only take alcohol or something small to other less important parties.

I think as a culture we have a massive addiction to buying cheap tat. I don't think it's a bad thing that there is a move away from gift giving for the sake of gift giving. I think just bringing some cans to this sort of party is fine. What 18 year old boy needs dozens of shitty trinkets?

I agree with this - they know when to get presents or not, let them make their own decisions like this (and stop imposing stupid shit on them - which we need to learn from them as well).

At 18 and 21, my mum wasn't involved in what I did or didn't bring to parties. I'm sure they know their friends well enough to know what the done thing is.

My son and his rather large gang of friends have always done joint gifts. They all chip in a d buy the birthday boy/girl a better or more useful gift. Ie last month birthday boy recieved a new seat for his VW camper. My son for his 18th (nearly 6 years ago) was gifted a tabletop fridge fir his bedroom. Another fir a birthday (one of the girls) got a voucher for the local hair salon she likes.
At Christmas they do secret santa. There are 12 of them in total in their friend group.

birthday presents are still a thing.... if you're a kid or an adult.

18 or 21 and having your mates round for a party? definitely no gift called for - unless it's BYOB

That's just tacky.

No way would my DS take a gift at this age. He would tell me it was a weird millennial thing to do 🤣

Narcissus, is that you?

I have had had this conversation multiple times with my male teens.
It's not expected to take a gift to a "gathering".
When we host them no gifts or booze are expected.
I'll give gifts to the close friends I've known for years and years, and will insist they bring a drink contribution to those gatherings, usually something the parents will appreciate more than the youths.
I found it very weird at first, and thought it be might be my DS being inconsiderate, but no, it's not expected where we are (south east).

I'm mid-40s, I think we would just buy someone a drink, or bring a bottle of what you're drinking. That's been the case through my adulthood too - generally I'd take what I'm drinking to someone's house, or something to add to the buffet, or pay towards something when we're out. I've never really done gifts, except weddings. The norm through my adulthood is if you go out for dinner or drinks you pay for yourself, whereas my uncle told me in their day if you invited people out you paid for everyone, so things have changed a lot

My older teen is the same - no gifts, prank gifts, packs of cider or beer or a single/personal bottle of champagne once.

There's always a reason why he picks what he picks and it's in line with what's expected and appreciated..

I have got over the shock of it and let him do what he likes on this.

House party = small thank you gift for host

Restaurant host paying = send a thank you card to host afterwards (maybe with a small gift too)

Restaurant pay for self = nothing

Pub with tab = send a thank you card to host afterwards (maybe with a small gift too)

Pub no tab = nothing

Party at a venue = gift for the birthday person

I have no idea WHY but it feels like this is what I would do / have done in similar circumstances!

I agree with this, actually. I'd put some money in a card or bring wine, because that's how I was brought up. But I'm closer to 50 than 18/21...

I was also shocked at that. Wonder whether the PP ever hosts?

Exactly.

I suspect that OP's DD knows what the expectation is within her own social circle and thats what matters.

I have zero knowledge of what my adult sons give when they go to friends' parties. What people in the 4ps, 40s or 60s do or did is completely irrelevant to what my 20 year took to the pub last week.

My 16 year old was gifted money, chocolate and google play cards from his friends. He invited them for a meal and an experience (we paid for all). He had told his friends they didn't need to get anything, that he was just happy being with them which was the truth. I like that mentality and I'm proud of him not being grabby or cf.

If it’s someone’s house, I’d take a gift.

If it were a hired venue where you buy your own drinks and I’d already given a birthday gift, for example, I wouldn’t take another. If I hadn’t already given a gift I’d take a little something.

DC dont really seem.to do gifts in the same way we did. If its a meal they will cover the birthday persons meal between them or they will take drinks to the party includkng the hosts favourite drinks. DS (16) went to London for his friends birthday and bought his lunch instead of a gift. I just leave them to it now tbh, they are old enough to manage it themselves

A lot of that age group don’t buy gifts for friends birthdays. Leave them to it.

Etiquette is about making people feel comfortable, not about rigidly sticking to rules. If the etiquette in the friendship group is not to give presents then it’s awkward to be the one to start it. When I was 18 (over 15 years ago) I’d buy a gift for a friend or a small birthday party. But no one brought gifts to the hire a village hall and invite the whole year group parties. Not sure if that’s changed now, or was even just a my year group’s culture.