to think you still take a gift to a party?

[Tryingtostayrelevant]

My dc has a number of 18 year old and 21 year old parties taking place in the coming weeks and I enquired as to what gifts they were getting.

They said it’s not a thing to take gifts for the birthday person or the host.

And I said have I taught you no manners and they said if it was older people (40+) inviting them for dinner or similar they would take flowers/wine but not for parties.

AIBU to think a small gift should be taken?

YABU no one does gifts any more
YANBU gifts are still the done thing

I didn't but or receive presents on my 18th or 21st because we were students with no money. At most, people bought the birthday person a drink.

I would let your DC do what he thinks is best really, he’s almost an adult. He’ll feel awkward if everyone else turns up with a gift and learn his lesson for next time.

Not sure that’s something to brag about. Are you notoriously tight?

Dd is 17 and takes a gift if it’s a birthday party but not if it’s “just a party”. I did suggest she should take something but she insisted there’s no need 🤷🏻‍♀️

My DC would be taking a gift yes.

Wow. This is a joke right?

Does no one in your social group bring gifts - even to weddings?!? You just rock up empty handed and take their hospitality??

No it’s not a joke. Some people bring gifts, some don’t. It’s the expectation that I take issue with when it comes to weddings. Gifting should be entirely at the discretion of the giver, not demanded or hinted at in invites. As for taking their hospitality… well, they chose to have a wedding, they shouldn’t expect anything in return. I don’t think reasonable people DO expect anything, just a certain grabby mentality.

I just don’t really do gifts (I don’t want or expect to receive them either) and resent that there’s such an expectation for it nowadays. If I want to give someone a gift I will, but if I’m asked for or hinted at in any way you can rest assured that you’ll get a big box of bugger all. Don’t really care if people think it makes me tight 🤷🏻‍♀️

DS 15 normally takes a card and some sweets or maybe a voucher. For an 18th surely you gift a bottle of something?

I always take something for a host and for a birthday gift.

Because I really, really hate the expectation or outright demand for gifts. It’s that that makes me go empty handed. If people want to put on an event, it shouldn’t come with the expectation of anything in return. To be fair most of my married friends explicitly stated “no gifts” in their wedding invites because they’re reasonable people.

The cheap booze is for them to drink, not give to the host! It’s just not a thing with teenage or early/mid 20s house parties. Well, it wasn’t when I was that age.

This!

The epitome of manners is having manners that are appropriate to the occasion.

I was mortified by my mum sending me in with a massive bouquet when I was a child, and the hostesses were bemused (and if it were me, I'd be a bit pissed off at having to find a vase in the middle of or after a party).

"nowadays"?

what make you think there's anything remotely modern or recent about not turning up empty handed when invited somewhere? 😂

No wedding gift is beyond rude. No need for hint or demand, it's socially expected in every culture I can think of. (I am sure I am missing one but I don't know everything)

My thought too. It is downright rude to turn up empty handed, unless there are extenuating circumstances.

well, not quite, the booze is for them to SHARE. They would take the piss completely if someone was bringing something and keeping it for themselves, not sharing with anyone.

They bring whatever, drop in on whatever table and anyone can drink anything. It's not turning up empty handed to a party, not a BYO situation 😂

Now days? Wedding gifts have definitely been a thing for centuries

I had plenty of gifts for my 18 or 21st "party", not really on the night, but anyone who came dropped something at one point or another - we all did for each other. I still have a few of these gifts 😂

I meant the demands or cash or twee poems. That’s a new thing. But you’re correct that wedding gifts have been a thing for a long time in some guise. So I’ll rephrase: it’s a tradition I hate, regardless of how long running it is, so I choose not to partake in it.

Well I think it’s rude to openly ask for or expect a gift, so I guess we’re at a stalemate

Just because something is a tradition or expectation though doesn’t mean you have to agree with it or partake in it, does it?

actually you do IF you accept the invitation.

If you strongly disagree, fine, but then at least decline the invitation. It's still rude not to send a little something when someone sends you an invit, but it's not the worst.

If you accept the invitation, you accept the expectations that go with it, and you are beyond rude not to send a gift.

Gift giving is a nice thing. Most of us want to be giving people. You can justify it all you like but going to a wedding and not taking a gift is never acceptable in my world. It doesn’t have to be a big gift. Obviously you can make a choice not to be a nice person and justify it because you don’t like poems but people will judge you. That’s the trade off. I get the impression you doing care so it doesn’t matter.

My Dd and her friends tend to club together and do a group gift

My son met up with friends as one of them just turned 17. The friend invited this group to go bowling and play pool. I sent my son with a card and a tenner in it. Never even occurred to me not to send something. 🧐 I’ve asked my son and he said all of them did the same 🤷🏻‍♀️ I guess it all depends on the friendship group. Probably when they’re 18, the gift will be a few rounds on a night out I’m guessing.

You're a tight wad.