to think you still take a gift to a party?

[Tryingtostayrelevant]

My dc has a number of 18 year old and 21 year old parties taking place in the coming weeks and I enquired as to what gifts they were getting.

They said it’s not a thing to take gifts for the birthday person or the host.

And I said have I taught you no manners and they said if it was older people (40+) inviting them for dinner or similar they would take flowers/wine but not for parties.

AIBU to think a small gift should be taken?

YABU no one does gifts any more
YANBU gifts are still the done thing

Because my presence is enough

🤣🤣

Maybe they are taking alcohol but not wanting to tell you! (That’s what I did at 17/18 anyway)

Both my Grandsons at house parties tonight

One an 18th one a 21st.. they just took some cans of beer..

I don't expect them to have any real understanding of social expectations at that age

fair enough they have their own "rules" between themselves,
but they're 18, not 4. They absolutely should know about social expectations, they're young adults!

It’s not a social expectation for teenagers to bring gifts to house parties though. Cheap booze, maybe!

Like 15 years ago when I was 18 it wasn't the done thing to take birthday gifts to most of the parties - they were generally just "invited the whole year group and get pissed up". My closest friends would have gifts either at the party or after, same at mine.

Certainly not any "host" gifts which would presumably be for the parents and would super awkward

Just let kids establish their own society rules because society rules change over time....

Roughly speaking, we do:

Gifts for close friends
Drinks/snacks for party at someone's house/not close friend
Small hosting gift if staying over anywhere

My presence is the present
😂 😂 😂

At that age mine were more likely to contribute a bottle of booze or a six pack of lager. Other gifts were not the norm.

Teenagers buying flowers for their friends' parents would surely be uncool. As a parent, I never expected or got gifts/flowers from my children's friends. Absolutely not an issue at all.

Gifts are given to your friends but not to casual friends that are having a couple of hundred to their party.
Private parties at home for 30 or 40, yes.
Large parties in pubs, clubs etc., no.

by the time you reach 18, you should be more than aware that you don't turn up empty handed. My 6 year old knows that. They have left the house before right?

It's not social expectation to bring a bunch of flowers, which would be weird, but bringing cheep booze IS bringing something. They've been bringing "something" to parties since the first parties in reception, they should know that by now.

I think it’s a good thing if this tradition is dropping off. It’s pretty wasteful. No one needs 10, 15, 20+ mini gifts that they wouldn’t otherwise need or want. The thanks can be give in other ways.

20+ years ago I, and a couple of other friends, hired a room at the local nightclub for a joint 18th birthday party. There must have been 100+ guests - I don’t remember a single present! My friends gave me presents separately, most likely at school on my birthday itself, though I don’t remember exactly. Boys don’t really do that, and never have in my experience as a secondary school teacher. It’s one of the reasons why some women end up perpetually disappointed by the men in their life not buying them presents or buying rubbish presents - most of them are just not bothered about ‘stuff’ and don’t buy things for each other beyond a drink on a night out or a joke/prank gift. It’s not that they’re not generous - I often see the boys I teach buy food for each other at the canteen, etc. it’s just that it’s more a practical need. They then have to learn the ‘cultural difference’ that some/most(?) women are bothered about the little thoughtful gifts and don’t want the practical/useful stuff (or jokey stuff) and they don’t all learn it until they have to (and certainly don’t all learn it with passive aggressive huffs or subtle hints).

My DD's 18th is coming up and she's having a party. I doubt most of the kids will bring her a present (not counting alcohol which they'll drink themselves!). Her closest friends will though.

This. My adult son took his best mate a pair of edible knickers made of sweets. That's the sort of mad gifts they buy each other.

If someone was having a house party as teenagers we didn't use to do gifts- sometimes we did if a close friend, but they were the people we'd have gotten gifts for anyway. We didn't always make it as formal as wrapping them. It sometimes was just alcohol. If we were meeting in the pub for someones birthday- and buying our own drinks- no we didn't bring presents.

I think each friendship group tends to have their own way of doing things.

DS1, DD1 and DS2 (15-25) don't seem to do gifts or cards at all for parties. Whereas DD2, same age group, and her friends do (imo) massively OTT presents for each other.

DD3 is 12 and still at the £5 in the piggy bank (a local thing here) stage.

Surely your dd is best placed to know? Leave her to it!

Teenage parties, no gifts. It'll get raucous probably so they usually just bring 'supplies'. If it was their best mate then give a gift at a different time.

Obviously adults bring flowers or a bottle of wine to parties but it's not that type of party really!

I think it's seriously poor form to turn up empty-handed, but I'm in my 60s so what the fuck do I know?

I'm pretty shocked by the lack of basic manners / etiquette shown by younger generations, including my niece (and her groom) who didn't even bother to say thank you for the significant wedding gift we sent. A gift that had been requested no less.

I must be getting old...

Thinking about it, it's the "popular" ones who seem to bring something and are quite chilled about it.

One of my son's friend, teenage boy, even brought me flowers after injury leaving me on crutches for a few weeks, and he's your typical top student/ top athlete everyone knows in the school, bless him. Totally non plussed about being seen with a bunch of flowers by his mates.

I think it's important to teach your kids basic manners, but as long as they bring "something", it's fine surely?

If a house party you just bring what you drink usually, if it’s at a venue and you are paying your own way you bring nothing, if it’s at a venue and the birthday person (or family) are paying for the hospitality it’s still polite to bring a nominal gift eg chocolates or bottle of wine, something more personal if you are close to them. Girls definitely do more gifts than boys. My dd hasn’t been to many 21st’s where things were funded beyond perhaps a single first drink as typically they are in bars or restaurants and you pay your own way, hers was at a restaurant and it was family only, then went clubbing with mates the following week

When you're a teenager or young adult, you are paying for your own alcohol and going for a drinking session. It's not Penelope Keith, trying to follow etiquette and not be 'rude'. I had my 21st beneath a pub in the early noughts and no one brought a present. What would I do with it? I'm there on a night out.

Why??