To think I don’t have a alcohol problem

[Boingyboingy]

So I do tend to drink everyday. Never to the point of not being able to walk, being sick etc. I don’t wake up and crave it, I just crave the feeling of being chilled out and being able to deal with stress better. DH thinks I am an alcoholic and has been going mad at me

Sure, and there are people in their 90s who have been lifelong smokers.

It doesn't matter if it hasn't harmed individuals. What matters is how it has affected the population as a whole (i.e. the average).

Simple way to find out. Stop drinking for a fortnight, and see how your life is - how easy/difficult you find it, how good/bad your mood is etc. Keep a daily journal of it all.

If you make the whole fortnight without drinking, and there's no negative change in your life, you're good to go. In fact, if there's no change, there's no need to drink at all, so - congrats, your shopping bill just got cheaper.

If you can't do the whole two weeks, or your mood is constantly dark, or your temper's short, or everything feels more difficult...or any combination of those...time to seek help.

If the thought of not drinking for two weeks makes you anxious and you can't bring yourself to even start...yeah, your DH is absolutely right.

Is there really any need to be snippy ? If OP has a low alcohol tolerance and is only drinking a glass of wine a day to relax and chill out, that’s much less of a problem than downing a bottle of wine or more every day just to be able to cope. Without knowing how much she drinks it’s difficult to gauge the problem.

But we’re not dealing with the whole population. This is one OP who is posting for advice. And the only sensible advice is for her to visit her GP, be honest about how much she drinks every day, and why, and be guided by what the GP advises.

@Rosscameasdoody But we’re not dealing with the whole population. This is one OP who is posting for advice.

OP could be the 90 year old woman who drinks a glass of wine everyday, or alcohol use could cause her harm. I'm saying that on the basis of averages, the latter is more probable.

Do you understand averages, statistics, and probability?

And the only sensible advice is for her to visit her GP

This is sensible advice, but the GP is not going to tell her anything that isn't already public health advice. Public health advice is that people should minimise alcohol consumption as far as possible.

If you don't think you have an alcohol problem what are you hoping from here?

I could have wrote this, in fact I think I did a year or so ago.

Like you, I liked a drink in the evening, a glass of wine, a beer or maybe a Tia Maria and coke type thing. My family told me drinking everyday wasn’t good, regardless of what quantity. I thought they were just being a bit uptight and didn’t see anything wrong with it.

it’s a slippery slope though. My one glass of wine turns into two, two turned into nearly a whole bottle of wine most nights..

I was shocked when I found one night i nearly polished off an entire bottle of amaretto without feeling a thing.

Later on, not too long ago actually. I was being investigated for IBS (unrelated to booze) but during my blood tests the found my liver was showing as severe damage. It was a real wake up call for me. I cut down my alcohol intake to weekends and occasions only. Then recently had more bloods done and my kidneys are also struggling a bit. I’ve decided to go completely sober now. I’m 29, I have two young children and the thought of self-sabotaging my body and reducing my life and how long I’ll get to watch them grow up really changes my mind set. I don’t need it either, I thought I’d struggle with the social aspect, and the feeling of needing that kinda of ‘chill out’ at the end of the day. But I just have some nice elderflower drink in my wine glass if I want to feel boujee. It’s been easy and my anxiety has massively reduced, I feel better in myself.

So yes, drinking everyday is bad. It’s the gateway to becoming an actual alcoholic; you might not feel like it. But who does? No one realises they’re an alcoholic before it’s got so bad.

I know you’ll be feeling in denial, thinking you won’t end up like that, or like me. Because that’s exactly how I felt too.

Another couple of thoughts, although, if you are reading OP, very well done, because this would be an incredibly confrontational and hard read for you!

My DH can take or leave alcohol in a way I cannot - much like your DH, I would hazard a guess. He began drinking less and less, in a reaction to my drinking, and the contrast was very stark, and I guess, I found it pretty hard not to take it personally, and feeling like he was being holier than thou and pointmaking with his abstinence. But if you're watching somebody drinking in a way that is upsetting to you, I guess the last thing you're going to want to do is drink with them!

Also, I was very surprised one night, when my DH irritably said I was already slurring my words, so there was no point talking to me. It was relatively early in the evening, both time wise and drinks sunk wise, and I was genuinely surprised, I certainly couldn't hear any loss of diction in my speech. So, I wonder if perhaps you are more 'altered' and more obviously so, than you are aware?

And, of course, we build up a tolerance when we are drinking regularly, and heavily. And not just a physical tolerance, a pyschological one. In that, I mean, we can tell ourselves 'I'm just having a few glasses' - disregarding how huge the glasses we are pouring ourselves are! Or 'well, I normally drink two bottles, so actually 1.5 bottles is really good'. Or 'well I didn't drink last night, so it's okay if I drink a bit more tonight'.

Not every alcoholic gets sick or wobbly/can't walk. In fact, if you're drinking several drinks every day, it's less likely to have that effect on you. But that doesn't mean it's not a problem. If you are relying on alcohol to relax you in the evening, that suggests a dependency.

Why not have a month off drinking and then take stock? If you find it difficult not to have a drink, that tells you you have a problem. Lots of alcoholics think they could stop if they want to but don't actually test it. Try and stop drinking for a month and see how difficult you find it. Replace alcohol with a non alcoholic alternative like lime and soda water or a flavoured tonic water.

You are drinking 6 days out of 7 and seem to rely on it to reduce stress/ feel relaxed.

Sounds problematic to me

Alcohol is a drug. That's why you crave the feeling 'of being chilled out and dealing with stress better'. Other people smoke marijuana. I'm sure there are other drugs which give the same feeling too. It's just that alcohol is the only legal one.

A GP could order blood tests that will show if the liver is under stress.

Wasn’t intended to be snippy, sorry. But I feel snippy about the dance we all do when something is so terribly obvious, we do this charade around it, “… well it might be, can you tell me again, how much exactly, let me check the units…” it’s all white noise.

White noise because in her opening post she says she drinks because she looks forward to how it helps her cope with stress.

It doesn’t matter how much, what matters is why. She said it right there in her first post.

None of this skirting around the issue helps.

A lot of organisations stopped using the word ‘alcoholic’ a while back as that conjures up the image of someone who’s permanently drunk, unable to work, maybe even living rough. The truth is that many alcoholics are nothing like that, so organisations tend to use words like ‘alcohol misuse’ or something along those lines.

I’m no expert but if you’re a) using alcohol to help calm you, then really that is ‘alcohol misuse’ and b) if you’re purposefully not drinking when your DH is at home all day, that implies you’re abstaining because you know he’s watching.

Alcohol misuse is something a lot of people struggle with. I did myself for a few years. I
was stressed out and anxious and there’s nothing quite like the mellow that hits when you’ve had that first drink or two but honestly, it will only get worse and much more damaging to your health if you don’t get it dealt with.

Also, you might be aware that alcohol misuse often runs in families. I’ve lost an uncle and a cousin to it and my grandfather and aunty were both alcoholics too.

If others around you are noticing a pattern then there’s probably a problem. You might be hoping the people of Mumsnet will say ‘no, you’re not’ but it’s those who are up close to you who know best.

For me, I started small by getting an alcohol/drinks tracker app (I used Drinkaware) and I counted every little sip. Was horrified to see I was drinking 55+ units a week and it didn’t remotely feel anything like that. I just gradually started to taper down and my aim was to chip a bit off each week so that my graphs in the app were going downward. I love a good graph!

A few years on and everything is so much better. Alcohol isn’t my coping mechanism any more and on the days I feel overwhelmed I use natural things like Kalms or Rescue Remedy. I still drink but (according to my app) it’s 8-10 units a week and many weeks none at all. At the start, that seemed totally impossible! It’s been a huge help to my waistline and my cash flow too.

That’s not advice, just what worked for me. Realistically, as you’re drinking every day, you really need to talk to your GP. But you could start by tracking your alcohol consumption first.

Too many people think an alcoholic is someone who has to drink a litre of vodka to get out of bed. That’s not right. You’re an alcoholic.

So how do you feel if you can’t have a drink?

sorry but it sounds like you are becoming alcohol dependent. If you can’t get through every day without thinking about it then you’re an alcoholic. You don’t have to be raging drunk to be classed as an alcoholic.

I just play games on my phone and/or read and I don’t tend to think about it. I just get so relaxed after a few and I love the feeling

What part of playing games on your phone or reading is stressful?

The fact you say you love the feeling suggests you have a problem with alcohol.

Its so true. “Alcoholic” as a term allows people to minimise their drinking.

I’m still working = I can’t be an alcoholic
I still dress nicely/take care of myself = I can’t be an alcoholic
I only drink with food = I can’t be an alcoholic
My friend drinks more than me = I can’t be an alcoholic

They are all forms of denial.

If you drink enough to worry your spouse and you need alcohol to relax, there’s a problem.

I don't think loving the feeling alcohol gives you means you have a problem. I love how alcohol makes me feel and I don't have a problem.

Yeah sorry op. You sound like you have a problem with drink. Please speak to your GP. Also maybe look at counselling or support for you and your husband.

Problem is that many drinkers show clear results for a long time. My uncle went to get a test after much prompting from his wife. They came back fine and that was a green light for him. He eventually died after an accident whilst drunk.

DH and I both enjoy wine and beer. A few years back we did our first dry Jan and since then don’t drink Mon to Thurs. At the weekend we normally have drink over the 3 days but it may be a glass or two or more depending on what we are doing. For me, I enjoy a beer in a nice pub after a dog walk in the country or a glass of red wine while cooking Sunday dinner. Those are the most enjoyable. I try to remind myself that the first 2-3 drinks are the best, after that you’re just chasing that feeling

You really need to be hitting it hard for years before you'll see any liver tests coming back positive, I mean spirits.

I think the way someone drinks alcohol can be as problematic as the amount (though without the same health implications).

‘A few a day’, however makes it sound as though you are both exceeding unit and have problematic mentality towards alcohol too, so I would think about that.

This is coming from someone who also has a problematic relationship with alcohol. I rarely exceed recommended units as I am very mindful about it, but my mentality about it is not good, I also crave ‘the feeling’, and saying no to a drink is difficult – this is how I know it’s a problem.

I had had 5 units yesterday and another 5 earlier this week and I am disappointed not to be able to have any this weekend, but I have to be disciplined!

My father was an alcoholic for 45yrs and ultimately died from alcoholism, so I imagine I have a genetic and learned response.