Sick Husband - Unfriendly Friends

[Doingthegraft]

Husband became unexpectedly and severely ill a few months ago - we are talking blues and twos to hospital, major operations and a long recovery. He is still pretty sick, recovering slowly but it has been a long haul. Before we were pretty flush with money, very active socially and were pretty much the fixit couple in our social circle, hands on helping with house renovations and paying the lions share for group holidays when other people were short. Having seen a couple of other friends go through this with their partners after accidents or illness I had seen before that some people do drop you socially, either because they are uncomfortable with illness or because you just can't be as useful to them anymore, but I have been completely floored by how brutal this has been in our case. I am aware that the friends that stay and support you during this sort of chaos are liquid gold, but several people have been very upfront about ditching us with statements like "Well, (name of illness) isn't exactly glamorous, is it? I can't be around that" and from one friend that we supported through her partner's illness and death "I just don't want to be around you two anymore - I can't cope with any more sickness in my life." Can just about understand the latter one (although she hasn't seen either of us since he was rushed in) but the others have been devastating. Just to clarify, they weren't being asked to come to the house and help out or take on any care duties - although we have supported other people (including some who have now dumped us) in that way, as we are coping ok with the support of medical staff, our grown up kids, other friends and good neighbours. AIBU to be both sad and livid about this? I keep having to hide from my husband who is hurt and upset by the way that these people have behaved and cry it out where I can't be seen or heard - I hate the people that have treated us like this but I miss them too.

Yes, my Mum and Dad had the same when my Mum was terminally ill. Some friends that she had given so much too were nowhere to be found. But, some friends really stepped up, and have continued to be friends with my Dad many years later, after her death, even when they were more my Mum’s friend than couple friends. He really values those people. I hope you have a few of the good ones x

Thank you so much everyone one for your words of support - so sorry for everyone who has either gone through this themselves or watched friends or family get through to the other side. It has left me very raw but have read some very good advice from you all and am taking it on board. Helped enormously by a friend - not someone that I would have thought of previously a very close one - who drove 11 hours - 11 HOURS - each way this weekend and turned up unannounced on the doorstep with some home baking having checked into a local B&B. She said she thought that we would need a hand and a hug, checked that she wasn't intruding and that we were up for visitors and has just been good company all weekend, making my husband laugh and sorting out the garden. Liquid gold, and coming back in a month with her lovely wife.

Yep, it pays to learn early on that everything is transactional, like a PP parents, we were the ones bankrupt losing our home, people fell away rapidly, it goes to show that people like to be around folk that will give them something be it status or something more tangible, as soon as your usefulness dwindles so do they. Fuck the bastards, and learn from it, only give if you are getting something back, it's the way of most folk, sad but true.

@Doingthegraft its amazing how some people can step up in most unexpected ways. I am so pleased to hear about the unexpected support over the weekend. It sounds like not only was the visit was practical but such a boost as well.

@Doingthegraft Well that’s much better news! I think you do need to recognise people are busy with their own lives and cannot all come and do the garden though .

We have friends in a slightly different position in that it’s a long term disability but, they have plenty of money to get help. They refuse. We are over 70, as are other friends, and have our own gardens, families etc. We don’t understand why they won’t pay for any help (they have the money!) and neither does anyone else. Friends can help in some ways but not everything. We do have them over to us and continue to chat regularly but they don’t seem to recognise they need to change how they live. So please consider how you will manage in the future if your DH continues to have health problems. Hopefully he will recover but it’s hard for friends to be carers.

@TizerorFizz I don’t think that there is the expectation for people to provide caring or household duties, just to be friends and not treat them any differently due to illness.

It is awful, and the ones who said “it isn’t glamorous” are terrible people and you are well rid of them.

I wonder if any of the “ghosting” friendships can be salvaged? You obviously liked them once. Maybe some of these people assume you have your plate full and they don’t want to intrude/overstep? I wouldn’t offer to get a friend’s shopping or drop food round unless they asked me (because I wouldn’t want that myself, but I would send flowers or take a care package round or something) but if you invite them round do they say no? If you ask them explicitly to do something helpful do they refuse?

If you’ve tried that and had no luck, then yes you just have some really awful friends. But you might have a mix of terrible friends (the ones who have openly told you they don’t want to know), and useless/awkward friends who just need to be told what you need from them. Might be worth a try anyway.

This is horrendous.!no know some people quietly slope off, but say outright such horrible things… I can’t get my head around that. Sorry and I hope your husband makes a full recovery

@AllthingsI think the op wants friendship but when people struggle with chores it gets very difficult if they tell you it’s a struggle!

@TizerorFizz the OP makes it clear that she is not expecting people to help out and refers to people dropping them socially. I have not seen OP mention struggling with chores let alone telling people so. But even then, it’s not her responsibility if people then feel obligated to help. She has enough on her plate without having to managed the thought process of other people.

Sounds incredibly hurtful but you are better off without these horrible people. If other friends have stuck around treasure these relationships instead.

I think you’ve missed the point. I don’t think the OP, or any of the others of us on this thread are asking or expecting friends to be carers! We’re just sad that people we thought were friends disappear because of illness. We are only in our 40’s but DH has about the mobility of an 80yr old on his bad days. It’s hard, really hard, even more so when everyone that you thought cared about you obviously doesn’t. We’re not asking for anything, only friendship. It’s different to old people insisting on living in a townhouse with 10 sets of stairs, or a big remote house with an unmanageable garden for instance and making that other peoples problems.
DH just wants someone to say do you fancy a pint, or would you like to come to the rugby…but they don’t ask anymore.

It really is times like this that you find out who your REAL friends are 🥰🥰

Sadly I think this can happen more than we expect.
My Dad died a few months ago and some of my parents close friends seemed to disappear, didn't visit him when he was ill and very linited contact with Mum checking how she has been after. But most went to the funeral. Makes you wonder if they did this out of obligation/to save face or actually did care.
I hope your husband makes a full recovery

@user9064385631 I do understand perfectly. I’m not saying people we know need friends to be carers but friendship is difficult to keep going when friend cannot go to a pub or do anything due to long lasting health issues. No conversation either so it’s very difficult to maintain a friendship. Anyway, I hope everyone on the thread who wants to see friends manages to see them.