Sick Husband - Unfriendly Friends

[Doingthegraft]

Husband became unexpectedly and severely ill a few months ago - we are talking blues and twos to hospital, major operations and a long recovery. He is still pretty sick, recovering slowly but it has been a long haul. Before we were pretty flush with money, very active socially and were pretty much the fixit couple in our social circle, hands on helping with house renovations and paying the lions share for group holidays when other people were short. Having seen a couple of other friends go through this with their partners after accidents or illness I had seen before that some people do drop you socially, either because they are uncomfortable with illness or because you just can't be as useful to them anymore, but I have been completely floored by how brutal this has been in our case. I am aware that the friends that stay and support you during this sort of chaos are liquid gold, but several people have been very upfront about ditching us with statements like "Well, (name of illness) isn't exactly glamorous, is it? I can't be around that" and from one friend that we supported through her partner's illness and death "I just don't want to be around you two anymore - I can't cope with any more sickness in my life." Can just about understand the latter one (although she hasn't seen either of us since he was rushed in) but the others have been devastating. Just to clarify, they weren't being asked to come to the house and help out or take on any care duties - although we have supported other people (including some who have now dumped us) in that way, as we are coping ok with the support of medical staff, our grown up kids, other friends and good neighbours. AIBU to be both sad and livid about this? I keep having to hide from my husband who is hurt and upset by the way that these people have behaved and cry it out where I can't be seen or heard - I hate the people that have treated us like this but I miss them too.

its things like this that help sort the wheat from the chaf! Treasure the real friends and Chuck away the rubbish ones. I could forgive the rubbish friends who had their own serious issues going on but sod the others

Well unless they had a total personality change thry must have been like this before, but it sounds like you were buying their affection by paying for things in the first place, think back were they real friends before or did you not notice it, how did they treat others before?

I'm sorry, they sound like terrible friends 😔

Send them each a hand written letter explaining exactly what you have said here. Put the ball back into their court and let them ponder on it. You will feel so much lighter. If still no sight of them then they were not true friends in the first place. Take care of each other. X

They weren’t friends. They were acquaintances and hangers on. It’s as simple as that really. Perhaps you need to be better judges of character in the future or maybe shift your values to attract other less flaky friends with better values. It takes these kind of life altering events to bring these things to light sometimes.

OP wishing you DH gets well soon 💐

Remind the behaviour of these "friends" and match energy - do not do a thing they won't do for you now.

They will all come back shamelessly when DH is better and expect you to do things for them and use you. Remember this time, how they are behaving now and do not do a thing for them.

I would focus on the lovely neighbours, true friends. Honestly this experience is a blessing you know who the users are and they have taken themselves out with the rubbish.

Focus now on making new friends (if you want) who want to be friends with you and your DH for who you are - not selfish users who only exoect to be subbed on holiday or ask you to help move house etc but dont help back in times of need. Match energy.

I completely understand how you feel and I’m sorry that he’s not been well.

I’m in my 20s and was quite successful in my career. I had a lot of close friends around me, mainly those who I met via work/previous jobs. As in, people who would say they’re my work-mum or work-dad, would celebrate big events with me, we’d confide in each other about everything.

Then I suffered with my health after being bullied at work, which threw my life off track temporarily until I left that job. The amount of “close” friends who distanced themselves from me when I was going through a hard time was shocking. Particularly those who are older than me/less successful than I was. I didn’t realise I had so many fair weather friends, it’s not like they particularly had all their ducks in a row themselves - so I just thought certain people would have been more understanding as opposed to vapid. The most supportive people I found, were those my own age like school friends.

I now realise that those people who distanced themselves, were likely more interested in what I could do for them as opposed to me as a person. I definitely will just stick my proper friends in future, and not bother cultivating friendships with people who realistically have no longevity in my life.

Yes.

I’m sorry.

i had an accident eleven years ago and I use a wheelchair as a result.

you really do find out who your friends are as a result. I have an almost entirely new group of friends these days.

I hope that DH is making a recovery and that you find your strength to come through this upset. It is a very harsh way to learn who are fair weather friends, and I’ve learned that in the past too.

Dh and I have retained some of these relationships with what perhaps would have been historically called acquaintances - if we/they are in the neighbourhood we can have a meal, drink, coffee, and check in on life news, or go to big milestone birthdays, but there’s no deep and meaningfuls. We’ve also cooled contact with a number due to rather toxic behaviours and us being the default fixit couple (the default ‘hotel’, ‘just helping’ pay for taxis, etc). Recent illnesses for us both reinforced this too.

I am so sorry for you and your husband. These people are horrible. I have no real advice but am just offering a hand hold and will keep you both in my thoughts and wishes.

I’m sorry op, that’s shit. Unfortunately, there are plenty of people who just….aren't very nice? And I do hate the “well you chose them as friends, so you must have noticed this before” rubbish! Because, no, no you often don’t! When all is well, you are self reliant, happy to help out others, don’t actually need anything, everything is rosy, there is nothing to see. It is only when the shit hits the fan that these people sometimes reveal their true colours.
My only caveat to that is, when I’ve witnessed them doing it to others in the group, I do take note and distance myself. One husband in our circle legged it and left his wife extremely high and dry, financially. A “friend” in our group stopped inviting her to our regular dinners that we held in our homes because “she would no longer be able to reciprocate with the same quality of food and wine, so it’s a waste. I’m not giving her Chablis to go to her house and drink crap Pinot” were her exact words. I was agog! Horrible woman, so we’ve got rid of her and still support and see the other friend.
Wishing your DH a speedy recovery xx

This sounds so, so hurtful and there are obviously some who are just shits. But have others definitely "dumped" you? Could it be that they're just not in a position to offer any kind of ongoing support and can't really see what they can do if they can't offer this? Due to chronic health conditions I'm not in a position to be able to offer much support to my friends myself - it takes all my energy just to make it to the pub for a few hours every month. Phone calls are way beyond my limits as are house visits if I can't sit down and drink alcohol which I need for pain management etc. Obviously most of your friends are not in this situation if they're out holidaying and partying regularly but they still may not feel they're able to offer what you might need and might be at a loss to know what they could do instead? I would be unsure if sending a lot of "just checking in" texts would be a nuisance in these circumstances if I couldn't offer anything more. Most of my friends have had no idea how ill I've been most of my life. It took me decades to get diagnoses so have only been able to start explaining in the last few years. Again, I realise most of your friends won't be in this kind of situation but many may still be so tied up with their own problems (the full extent of which they may not have shared), that they may not be able to step up. For some at least it may not be that they just don't want to or can't be bothered. What kind of help and support had you expected can I ask?

Stop blaming the recipient of the behaviour.

I understand you want to feel like cleverer people can protect themselves from this but they can't, because often the people who do it have no idea they will react as they do until a situation happens.

Unfortunately it's a known phenomenon, it's hurtful when it happens, and blaming the OP isn't fair.

Wow, what uncaring people. Sadly OP, you’ve found out who your real friends are, and it’s not them. Wishing your DH back to good health soon.

It's sad but it does happen. You have every right to feel livid and sad.

My son is ill and I learnt very quickly that some people can't do illness, some are unkind, some ignore and some blame. My own mother was the worst offender.

But there's also the amazing ones who support you and hold you up. There are few in numbers but they are special.

Unfortunately this is so true. We really only get a few true friends in life. Most people in our lives are really just long time acquaintances

My husband suffered a life changing event last year and he is very different and hasota of challenges. My friends without fail stepped up. I'm so sorry you have this cope with on top of his illness. They are not your friends. Do a bit of emotional weeding out. Get rid of those who are not real friends , you don't need them

I hope your husband makes a full recovery. So sorry you are being treated like this. It sounds like you have been very generous givers and attracted a social circle of real takers. No more.

Like you, I do understand the friend who can't face any more sickness after her own husband's death. It's very sad and hard for you but I know other people who can't help reacting that way.

But the rest have no excuse. They've shown you what their priorities and principles are. Make new, kinder friends.

They sound like awful people. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this on top of your DH’s health issues.
I hope he recovers and you can move on and make new friends.

Illness and incapacity are a sure bet to determine who your true friends are! Been there, done that, still wearing the tee shirt! All but my OH and one lovely friend completely disregarded me when I became ill and disabled.

I am truly sorry OP, that you and your DH are going through this ……. Sending virtual hugs, love and support 💐💐

Hope you husband recovers quickly now.

When my DH died, I was completely surprised by how unsupportive some friends were. Even those I’d been friends with for decades.🤷‍♀️

I found out who my true friends were.

The rest were cut out of my life.

That is life I am afraid. At least you still have some supportive friends and family. It's the same after bereavement; people turn up to the funeral. offer help and condolences and then disappear. They just pay lip service.

Then there are people who genuinely cannot cope with illness, it makes them ill. They can't help that and it does actually bother them but because they don't communicate well, you don't realise. You can do nothing about that, you can't help them because you have your own problems.

It's best to be independent, go it alone. If you have no expectations you won't be disappointed.

I am very sorry about your husband and hope things improve for you.

Same happened in my divorce, dropped instantly as people didn't want to be around someone so sad. 3 years on and we still don't speak.

I had an aunty who had many friends, a lot from her church, who she did all sorts of things with until she had a stroke. She had to move into a nursing home because she was unable to live independently and only one friend visited her. This lady visited every week, faithfully but she was the only one. My poor aunty was devastated. Family visited regularly but her friends absence weighed very heavily. I hope your husband recovers well OP and be comforted by your true friends.

I think the saying friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime applies here. A lot of those friends probably thought of you as a social friend and it’s the same when you move house, they just fall away.
It sounds like you’ve been a true friend to a lot of people, but they didn’t think the same way about you. I would be angry too, but the energy you have put into the world is really positive, and you have been a force for good things in a lot of people’s lives. Don’t let this make you a different person, you sound really lovely and interesting.