Sick Husband - Unfriendly Friends

[Doingthegraft]

Husband became unexpectedly and severely ill a few months ago - we are talking blues and twos to hospital, major operations and a long recovery. He is still pretty sick, recovering slowly but it has been a long haul. Before we were pretty flush with money, very active socially and were pretty much the fixit couple in our social circle, hands on helping with house renovations and paying the lions share for group holidays when other people were short. Having seen a couple of other friends go through this with their partners after accidents or illness I had seen before that some people do drop you socially, either because they are uncomfortable with illness or because you just can't be as useful to them anymore, but I have been completely floored by how brutal this has been in our case. I am aware that the friends that stay and support you during this sort of chaos are liquid gold, but several people have been very upfront about ditching us with statements like "Well, (name of illness) isn't exactly glamorous, is it? I can't be around that" and from one friend that we supported through her partner's illness and death "I just don't want to be around you two anymore - I can't cope with any more sickness in my life." Can just about understand the latter one (although she hasn't seen either of us since he was rushed in) but the others have been devastating. Just to clarify, they weren't being asked to come to the house and help out or take on any care duties - although we have supported other people (including some who have now dumped us) in that way, as we are coping ok with the support of medical staff, our grown up kids, other friends and good neighbours. AIBU to be both sad and livid about this? I keep having to hide from my husband who is hurt and upset by the way that these people have behaved and cry it out where I can't be seen or heard - I hate the people that have treated us like this but I miss them too.

I did have a friend where both her husbands parents died in the same month and then he got cancer, I was in my 20's. She would write me huge e mails telling me about it. I couldn't cope with it due to things going on in my life. I stopped speaking to her, looking back it was the wrong move but I just couldn't cope with so much sadness being shared.

I'm so sorry and I hope your husband can go on to make a full recovery.

I experienced something similar when my son was diagnosed with cancer last year. It's really hurtful, especially when you think you are really close to someone.

@Doingthegraft. I hate to say this, but you need these people but they only needed a one way friendship. You subbed them and helped them and they took from you. They are not giving back. I know exactly what you mean! We had an other thread recently about one way friendships. We’ve taken a step back from hosting “friends” as a result. We would never ever sub anyone on a holiday.

Someone who has lost a husband early is probably still raw and knows what’s best for her but it’s still somewhat mean. People are though. Mean spirited. As your DH recovers, make an effort to be friendly to your friends who have not dumped you and make sure you two enjoy your own company. Plan a great holiday for you two. You now know who your real friends are and I think you accept a reduced circle of friends and, in the end, that’s a blessing. You will be valued.

People are just nasty. I’ve gone through the same myself. I have only one good friend left now who checks in on me and wants to socialise with us both. People also don’t even say how are you ? which is a normal standard question to ask because I suppose they fear they’ll get me going off on about everything. So I just smile and wave if I do get asked and say we are all fine thank you, even though we are not.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It sadly seems to be a normal thing to happen. I know now if the shoe was on the other foot definitely I will do the same.

I’m so sorry to hear this. It does amaze me how awful some people can be, truly! In some ways, it sounds like a blessing, as now you can stop wasting time with people who were never truly friends. It must be hard to find out, but at least you know now. Life will be better moving forward. Imagine wasting another 1, 5, 10+ years being friends with these people! I hope your husband makes a full recovery quickly x

Good point. And sometimes users aren’t obvious at first, though they’re certainly obvious to OP now.

I’m sorry this has happened, OP, and I understand that you still miss some of those fair weather friends. I hope life soon improves for DH and you.

This is shocking!! 😱 x

I’ve been on threads like this before. DH was very unwell in hospital a few years ago, several of his friends ran, never to be heard of again.
I had a friend who kept pretending he wasn't ill, and that her husband was actually unwell (he was fine) and she kept trying me to babysit her children. I don’t see her now.

People in general are not nice, but we dont get to see it until something like this happens. My husband not only experienced this after an accident, but also a few years before the accident when he retired from a trade and ditched his tools. As soon as he wasn't on tap to fix things, people he'd had as friends for years even stopped saying hello as they passed in the street.

He broke his neck in an accident, and people who he knew for years and played sports with just stopped all contact too.

Generally, I think many people are only looking for something in return. When they know that 'something' no longer exists, they drop you and get it elsewhere. Brutal, but I think until something like this happens, many people would swear they wouldn't be like that, but then the excuses come out thick and fast, and before they know it, they're guilty of it.

When my Dad fell terminally ill, I was virtually left alone apart from DH and my DC who propped me up through it. I no longer devote energy to people who just take. And frankly wish I'd done so years ago. It's very upsetting to realise that people whose company you'd valued could behave so badly though. It's almost like a form of grief, for the support you thought you had but never did.

Often people who are kind and generous assume everyone is like them. It takes a horrible experience like this to bring it home that it's not necessarily true.

when my dm was widowed her friends, all couples, fell away so quickly
people are rubbish

What the heck? Who need enemies with friends like that? And they had the brass neck to say those actual words?

Drop them all like they've dropped you.

Biggest lesson I ever learned is actions speaker louder than words always. If they dont step up in times of need, they are not good friends.

It’s not blaming the OP to point out that, from what she says in her OP, she and her DH positioned themselves as the helpers/‘rescuers’ of the friendship group, routinely paying shortfalls on holidays, helping with house renovations etc and that this almost certainly contributed to the unequal ‘rescuer/rescuee’ dynamic that has seen them shed friends when they could no longer fulfil the rescuer/‘Fixit’ role.

Obviously, everyone helps their friends from time to time, but if that’s literally how you position yourself in all your friendships, and you are doing an awful lot of ‘helping’, with it being generally one way, then I think you need to ask yourself if you are choosing needy, unfortunate or helpless people as friends precisely so that you can perform the helper role because, for whatever reason, it suits you. Either way, a ‘rescuer/rescuee’ dynamic distorts relationships, which crumble when the table is turned.

It doesn’t necessarily make it feel any more devastating, but it might give the OP a sense of having more agency at a difficult time, and to be aware of it in future friendships, once her husband has fully recovered. Best wishes to them both.

Sorry for your trouble this all sounds incredibly hard. Situations like this are a good opportunity to find out who your real friends are.

It’s awful, isn’t it? Sadly its frequently all too common and as more time goes on, more will likely drop off…I speak from experience.

That's awful OP, they're not friends I'd be worried about losing.

Having seen a couple of other friends go through this with their partners after accidents or illness I had seen before that some people do drop you socially, either because they are uncomfortable with illness or because you just can't be as useful to them anymore, but I have been completely floored by how brutal this has been in our case.

I can accept that people can be uncomfortable around certain illnesses. I know someone who lost their partner, and not long after had to take a step back from a friend who'd been diagnosed with the same terminal illness. They were just emotionally spent and not mentally strong enough to be around it again so soon. Their friend was devastated. Very difficult situation.

Obviously some of your so-called friends have said some awful things, but is it possible that others might simply not know how to approach the situation? My partner was quite seriously ill some time ago and as he was off work and not able to do the mostly physical hobbies he enjoyed, a few of his mates assumed he wasn't capable of doing anything. They didn't really know how to reach out for fear of upsetting him.

I hope your partner has a full recovery.

"Well, (name of illness) isn't exactly glamorous, is it? I can't be around that"

My jaw hit the floor at this. I can't believe anyone could admit to themselves they're thinking this let alone say it aloud. OP there must have been signs these were the kinds of people they were?

Anyhow, I hope your partner makes a good recovery

You have been through a lot, coping with such serious illness and all the stress that brings, then dealing with selfish thoughtless people.
But for me the worst times bring out the good people. I’ve recently had an op, friends have been thoughtful and kind.

after a previous experience with bad health I stopped seeing people who I realised weren’t friends at all.
you’ve got good neighbours and you say, some good friends. So appreciate and hopefully get a bit closer to them.
but I hear it’s tough.

I honestly think most people don’t have much to give, outside of immediate family, and really only socialise for light relief/entertainment/ to benefit their mental health.

Church 'friends' can be the worst. Really close knit as long as you are in on the rota of church activities. the minute you are out, for whatever reason, you are invisible.

Yes Ive had the same. I have stage 4 cancer and even tho I feel well, many have gone.
What disapponted me the most were my in laws. MIL decided she was protecting my privacy which meant she ceased contact. My SIL is nearly the same way but she will reply to the odd text. A friend refused to see me as she said my cancer disturbed her. Another friend dis invited me from a get together because I would 'frighten' her friend who had primary cancer.
I dont spend time thinking about why they are like this but it just shows their true colours

Not real friends, sadly. Even so, it still stings when you lose them.

I am so sorry you are having this. How horrible of them

That sounds so hurtful OP, that saying springs to mind “when people show you who they are , believe them “ . I often think that when push comes to shove most ppl only really care about their own families or themselves!