MIL lets herself in to our house - helping or over stepping

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I have lived with my DP for years now. My MIL has her a key to our house (it was previously his house and I moved in).

We went through a period of real stress and at that time my MIL would come over and give our house a clean/tidy up to help.

We went away a couple of weeks ago, I tidied up before we left. My MIL didn’t tell us she was going to pop over but when we got back it looked like she had rearranged our house. To make things worse my DP made a comment about how she’d given us a head start for the week because she’d cleaned (the cleaning he was referring to, was actually the cleaning is done)

1. AIBU to feel it’s overstepping a little by coming over without asking? I know it’s just being helpful but its the not asking
2. AIBU because I got pretty miffed my DP hadn’t realised at all before we had gone that I’d got the house spotless - I feel like he doesn’t ever notice what I do and how much work goes into keeping on top of things?

Are you okay with your MIL popping in to clean? If not then address it, but if so, are you certain she's aware where your red line is? What did she actually rearrange? E.g. cushions and flowers would seem a non-issue. Bedroom furniture, bit weird.

The issue with your partner not noticing is a different thing entirely, but it really depends on the wider context. Is he thoughtful in other ways but just blind about this, or is he generally unappreciative? Also, on the flip side, do you notice what he does for you/the family? (Assuming he does things, of course!) I'm only asking because it's easy to slip into a habit of not thanking a partner particularly, just expecting things as business as usual. Maybe that's what's happened?

Change the locks 😵‍💫

It's creepy. I wouldn't like it. And rearranging your house, that is massively overstepping.

It is not your house. It's your partners house and until you buy a house together, she will continue to exhibit a proprietorial attitude. Did she help him out with the deposit?

You need to get your own territory. Then she'll stop

It's your DP's house, his mother and he's OK with it

If she messed with your personal possessions you could complain

When you live together, things "daily done" as it were become standard and you don't really realise they're done until they aren't. He knew his DM had been in so just put 2 and 2 together wrong

Did she help him before you moved in?

I think it's difficult when people retire and have too much spare time, they like to be needed and do nice things for their children, sounds like it's coming from a good place, but perhaps you need to have conversation and set boundaries.

Not sure if am okay with it, I think I find it a tad insulting now we are back on our feet. I know it’s done with good intentions
Rearranged our sitting room and bedroom furniture

I think we both lack appreciation to eachother if I’m being honest. I think I am the better person at saying thank you but if you ask him he may say otherwise.
It didn’t help I did all the packing and unpacking for the trip with our LOs so I was already peeved at the fact he just got to show up.

Went to France for two weeks with the kids once and came back to a bare bathroom floor.
It was originally that delightful 70's carpetted look, which we were planning to get rid of and my parents decided to "help". Turned out that my mother had chosen the new lino to be put down but it couldnt be put down until after we got back.

I went properly batshit over it.

All I got was how ungrateful I was as they had taken up the carpet and were paying for the lino. Didnt matter that what they had chosen was not what we wanted, or that we didnt want to come home (after a 12 hour drive) to that, nope, we were ungrateful.

We sorted it eventually (sort of, not sure that they got that we appreciated the thought and the gesture, but not the execution) but they never had a key again.

So in short, no YANBU. Its your home now too, and she has no right to assume anything.

I wouldn't like it. What if you accidentally left your giant dildo out whilst Mil popped over. It would be a no from me. My house is my sanctuary, my personal space.

You;ve reminded me! I have posted about this before.

My sister and herhusband were on holiday. They house they rented at the time had no washer or space for one, so they would do their washing mums. She was being "helpful" (see post above) and emptied their washing basket for them. All of the washing was done, ironed and put away, except my sisters underwear, which was left on the bed near her bedside chest of drawers. DSis went to put them away and there was her vibrator, pink and proud! Mum had seen it and put my sisters underwear on the bed instead of in the drawer. As Dsis said, it would have been less obvious if she had just dumped the knickers on top of it, as it was she couldnt have made it more obvious that she had seen it!

Leave a key in the lock or change the locks.

The re-arranging would annoy me, but it's his house, and if it's a one-off, he's okay with it and if you otherwise get on with her I'd leave it.

I'd be more concerned that he has the women in his life cleaning his house for him. Why doesn't he know "how much work goes into keeping on top of things?"

you're not married? you say dear partner vs dear husband so technically she is NOT your mother in law and is his mom.
it's his house, he gave her key.
she cleaned in such a way that he noticed and was pleased.

I mean, of course she's overstepping. That's not even a question. You don't (ever) go into someone's house unless it is an emergency, or agreed to by the owner.

Change the locks.

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable.

However, you're not married, it's your DP's house not yours and he seems fine with his mother doing this. So there's probably little that you can do, infuriating though it must be.

Nonsense, it's her home, not her mother in law's. Of course she can do something - she can tell her de facto husband that she's having the locks changed so his mother doesn't over step again.

If her de facto husband then decides he wants his mother to continue to overstep and argue with OP about it OP can then have that conversation and make her decisions accordingly.

I would be annoyed but, as I'm fairly lazy, I wouldn't clean and tidy before our next holiday and hope she comes round again. If neither of you tell her you don't want her to come into your home uninvited then she's not going to stop.

You’ve allowed this and previously welcomed it, you need to have a discussion with MIL to stop it now.

She is unaware.

The point is she is not a MIL if there is no marriage. She is then her partner’s mother.

My DM used to come in and clean when we were away, despite me cleaning beforehand. It pissed me off but even she wouldn’t have dared enter our bedroom, let alone rearrange the furniture!

How long have you lived with your partner? Wasn't this a boundary that should have been put in place at the beginning? Presumably it is your home as well as your dp's and your name has been added to the deeds.

I wouldn’t like it but neither my mother or in-laws have ever had my keys. When I bought my first flat in 1981 my mother thought it was appropriate that I gave her back my key to her home.

She rearranged the furniture BECAUSE you had cleaned, there was no other way to ensure you both knew she had been in and "helped".

Oooohhh…we had this when my DH and I first moved to a property together.

In his flat that I moved into, his parents would pop up - his mum would clean and rearrange stuff (although I’d already done it) and his dad would open our mail. They lived 4 hours away. First I would know would be when I got home from work. But, it was his flat and I didn’t want to interfere. I just made sure all the mail was filed and made it clear that we were handling things as a couple.

When we moved to our next house together, I put my foot down. Said no keys to his family or mine - if they were coming up, I’d take a half day and be there to let them in. Then they could have a key while they were there so they could head out any time but they weren’t going to just show up unannounced. Caused a major rift between DH and I at the time but I stuck to my guns…and we were the better for it.

Felt bad as my SIL/BIL lived a couple of streets away from my IL’s and my BIL would come home from work desperate for a shower and nap to the MIL in the hallway, scraping wallpaper and saying that she felt it was time they had a makeover in the house and other crazy things. They were and are wonderful people and I love them very much but boy, those first boundary-setting years were tough!

Can I just add although it is technically not my home, we have children and I have paid my way since the day we decided to live together so this rubbish about it not being my home is ludicrous.

Technically no she is not my MIL as I am not married to my DP, but I call them my in-laws regardless as 1. It’s easier and 2. We have children, my partners family are my family too.

Did you pack for your partner as well?

Are you on the deeds of the house?