MIL lets herself in to our house - helping or over stepping

[Openyoureyes102733]

I have lived with my DP for years now. My MIL has her a key to our house (it was previously his house and I moved in).

We went through a period of real stress and at that time my MIL would come over and give our house a clean/tidy up to help.

We went away a couple of weeks ago, I tidied up before we left. My MIL didn’t tell us she was going to pop over but when we got back it looked like she had rearranged our house. To make things worse my DP made a comment about how she’d given us a head start for the week because she’d cleaned (the cleaning he was referring to, was actually the cleaning is done)

1. AIBU to feel it’s overstepping a little by coming over without asking? I know it’s just being helpful but its the not asking
2. AIBU because I got pretty miffed my DP hadn’t realised at all before we had gone that I’d got the house spotless - I feel like he doesn’t ever notice what I do and how much work goes into keeping on top of things?

MiL issue is a sideshow. This is not your main problem.

You are not married and you have no right of ownership in your home. That’s very concerning. The fact your DP doesn’t appreciate you and ignores your preference to ask MiL not to let herself into your home, suggests perhaps your DP doesn’t recognise your “rights” over the home you consider “yours”.

Strategically: you should ignore MiL’s visits; don’t complain. Instead focus on getting married or being put on the deeds of the house or having a % interest recognised (eg if you pay effectively pay contribution to mortgage and bills even indirectly (eg you pay for furniture and kids clothes and clubs) AND do free housework, childcare etc then your dh should recognise this.

If he refuses you have a big problem and need to secure your financial future an out her way eg stop contributing.

Unless of course you aren’t contributing in any way and are sitting on a bucket of cash having effectively lived there rent free, which would be possible eg if you were a sahm. Or you have a stash of savings in a personal account because dp lets you live with him for free?

My friend, who happily admits she is a clean freak, once did this when we were on holiday. She had the best of intentions.
I found it amusing, as for weeks afterwards I had to ring her to ask where the corkscrew/ small pan/ tea towels were.

It's not ludicrous at all.

You aren't married and you aren't on the deeds of a property you are apparently financially contributing to. So you have children, own nothing of the house and have no legal rights to it. If your relationship breaks down then you could be out on the street with nothing and without a leg to stand on. If anything happened to your DP then you would also have no rights if there are also no wills in place (are there?) as all would go to his next of kin under the laws of intestacy. That next of kin would not be you and would more likely be his mother, siblings, cousins even no matter how close or distant/tenuous his links with them are.

People are rightly pointing out that, as infuriating/frustrating as your MIL's behaviour is, and regardless of the fact that technically she isn't your MIL, you have made yourself very vulnerable here.

Your DP clearly sees no issues but this really should be ringing alarm bells with you. If you aren't going to get married then at least get yourself onto the deeds of the house so that you actually part own it instead of just tipping money into a bottomless pit when it isn't even yours. Also, get mirror wills drawn up to avoid having to abide by the laws of intestacy if anything happens to either of you. Yes, of course wills can be changed, but it is far better to have them than not and it avoids the problems of intestacy.

If DP isn't willing to put you onto the deeds (not the mortgage necessarily, it's the deeds that denote ownership) and/or make wills now that there are children to consider then that should be a red flag for you.

Your MIL is not your biggest problem, not by a long way.

However, to answer your question, if she has gone beyond doing a bit of cleaning and tidying, and is now rearranging furniture, then yes she is in the wrong.

Why are you cleaning the house and doing all the packing / unpacking?

I’d want to start with understanding the situation. Are you a SAHM ? Are you married? Does he do any chores. Does he think of you as his human support appliance rather than an equal ?

@Openyoureyes102733 Nah! I would be asking her to return the keys!! all keys! if she starts moaning to dp then tell him that you are not prepared to have someone else raking about in your house when you are not there. if he says no, then seriously think what your are doing with him.

She has said that they are not married.

Sorry guys I know you are FEARLESSLY in my corner, so I’m not trying to cause offence. I appreciate it and will read theough
But please can we not de-rail the lost

I just wanted to know people’s views on the two matters in hand, am I being unreasonable about my MIL/DP’s mother. Am I being unreasonable about my partner?

I would like to say he did all the driving and packed and unpacked the car (did the heavy lifting) not justifying anything but although we don’t go 50/50 on specific roles we each have our own in the relationship.

@Ladyofyork sorry this is hilarious. And very true to what we are like in the weeks after she’s come over

You need to address the elephant in the room and it's not your partner's mom.

It's your partner not seeing you as equal. It's you living in a house you have no legal rights to and you think it's ludicrous that people are bringing that up when it's you ignoring a basic relationship inequality. Are you in his will to get the house and other financial assets if something happens? If you break up, you are SOL. You've been putting your money into his home.

He wants his mom to have a key to his home. You really don't have a say in what he does regarding his home, do you not get that? Her behaviour may be out of order with you, but if he wanted it to stop he'd get that key back.

It sounds like you are the house cleaning fairy and the man you live with doesn't even notice what you do. Is he not doing half the housework? There's another inequity. Who does the majority of work in parenting your kids?

You are not being unreasonable to dislike his mother's behaviour. Most of us would.

However, you are being unreasonable to think that you can influence it when the house is his (not jointly owned, and you aren't married either) and he seems happy with what she is doing. What you say just won't carry the same clout because you are not viewed as an equal.

Yes she probs should have said but her intentions were probably to leave you a nice surprise for getting home.
don’t get annoyed until you find out her intentions

I accidentally voted YABU!

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Help is great but it sounds like your MIL has forgotten to consider your boundaries.

OK. I’ve given a detailed response, but now you think those replies are ‘derailing’ your thread.

In which case, yes YABVU.
It’s not your house and she’s not your mother. You get no say.

And with your partner, again, yes, YABU. Hd did all the driving and all the heavy lifting in holiday, yet you resent doing the packing.

Guys it’s a rental property

Normally, I would just say change the locks. But if this is not legally your house, then that is tricky. I think you need to sort out your own rights first, then tackle your partner's mother.

He’s the tenant, not you.

it's a rental property?
so is he the only tenant, or are you both tenants?
(if your partner suddenly died, would you have any right to continue living in the house, or could the landlord take it back?)

Presumably completely in his name

The fact you have no legal right to the house is pertinent to the issue

But continue ignoring that

@Swiftie1878 we are both on the tenancy

I just meant I moved in with him, so it technically was his house first. Rather than somewhere we moved in together

@NoThanksNeeded is there any need to be so unkind on a forum that is casually asking about being reasonable or unreasonable.

I didn’t ask anything about the legal rights of our property hence why I didn’t feel it necessary to delve into the details of our living situation

Then you are perfectly within your right to ask for the key back from MIL. Your personal space has been disrespected as has your privacy. Boundaries need established, like YESTERDAY.

Okay so what I’m taking from this currently is IABU to expect my MIL to know I don’t love her coming in unasked and cleaning, although from her end it was well intended.

50:50 on the fence of my DH, yes if he pulls his weight. No if he doesn’t.

Thanks all I’m just stroppy

any other funny stories though would be great, I’ve had a good giggle at a few

It's two different issues. YANBU on either one, but you need to reach an agreement with your partner.

First, few people want someone, however well-meaning, to enter their home without express permission and rearrange things. It's overstepping. The challenge will be to tell MIL this without offending her, knowing that she did it with good intentions. If you were to move, it would be easier to set new boundaries, but if that's not happening, someone (your DP) will have to gently tell her that you both appreciate the help she's given you in the past, but you now feel able to cope with things on your own. If she wants to come in while you're not there, she ought to ask first.

Second, I hope you made it clear to your partner that you were the one who did all the cleaning. It's difficult for couples to not gradually take one another for granted and become blind to the ways the other contributes time and energy toward the home, kids, and relationship. I'd tell him you're feeling unappreciated and would like for both of you to pay a little more attention to expressing appreciation. Some people would find this annoying, but sometimes I'll tell DH what I've been doing as part of our 'how was your day' conversation, and in return I try to remember to occasionally thank him for the small things he does that make my life easier that could easily go overlooked.