MIL lets herself in to our house - helping or over stepping

[Openyoureyes102733]

I have lived with my DP for years now. My MIL has her a key to our house (it was previously his house and I moved in).

We went through a period of real stress and at that time my MIL would come over and give our house a clean/tidy up to help.

We went away a couple of weeks ago, I tidied up before we left. My MIL didn’t tell us she was going to pop over but when we got back it looked like she had rearranged our house. To make things worse my DP made a comment about how she’d given us a head start for the week because she’d cleaned (the cleaning he was referring to, was actually the cleaning is done)

1. AIBU to feel it’s overstepping a little by coming over without asking? I know it’s just being helpful but its the not asking
2. AIBU because I got pretty miffed my DP hadn’t realised at all before we had gone that I’d got the house spotless - I feel like he doesn’t ever notice what I do and how much work goes into keeping on top of things?

My DSS and his GF bought their home together. When they go away his DM often goes around and goes through his GF's drawers and clothes etc. They daren't say anything to her....it's bonkers. I wouldn't dream of invading their space like this or my own DC's.

legally and financially though, you have no rights over the property. If the house is in his name, it’s his house. If you split, you’ll potentially have nowhere to live. Are you going to get married to protect yourself and the children?

If you are not married, it is his house, and his mother, and he is ok with it, then I don't see what you can do. I personally wouldn't like this. But it's not my house either.

I’d cover the place in giant dildos.

Might stop her from doing it.

You might live in it but if you split up it is his asset not a shared asset.

It’s not your home though, legally. If you were to split up, you would have no rights to it at all, no matter if you have paid your way.

You really should get married to protect yourself.

You have quite a few things to sort out here, don’t you?

Firstly, your previous post to this quoted one simmers with resentment (about not being seen, thanked etc, doing all the holiday prep and him just ‘turning up’). This sort of resentment will only grow and get worse and worse until there’s no route back. Address it now!
Split out jobs and allocate them fairly. Have the convo now, or you’ll get to the point that you are unable to have it.

Secondly, whose house is it? I understand your point about your contribution, children, etc, so to you the idea that it’s not your house is ludicrous. BUT technically it isn’t your house. It’s difficult to have a conversation about how your DP’s mother accesses the house (and when), when it isn’t your house.
Another convo needed to establish how your DP sees it - you may think it’s obvious; it may not be so obvious to him.

Thirdly, if you aren’t sure how you feel about MIL letting herself in and cleaning/tidying/moving stuff, it will be difficult for her to know even if she could mind read.
Once you’ve established whether or not it’s ’your house too’ with your DP, discuss your discomfort about her using a key etc. work out whether it really bothers you, and go from there. It’s really up to your DP to talk to his mother and explain what is or isn’t acceptable to you both.

Good luck!

This is not OK. Either have words or change the locks.
I have keys to both my adult children’s houses. I only let myself in by prior arrangement with them.

Say very gently to her that you're very grateful for her kind intentions, but you would prefer that she didn't do stuff in your house unless asked. Before you go away again, change the locks.

I think you have a partner issue as much as a over stepping mil issue. Ultimately he should be the one to say to her thanks for the help in the past but now we really need more privacy. If he however doesn't see the issue I'm not sure what you can do other than leave him. Life's too short to be disrespected.

I'd feel very vunerable not being married and I would want to either buy a new place together or at least be put on the deeds.

If you are not on the deeds to the house and have children together this is a FAR bigger issue than your sort of mil rearranging your furniture.

Two separate issues.

1. Your partner and him not helping enough. Is this accurate? Was he sitting on his arse or was he out at work (or something other true family contribution) while you were packing/prepping etc?

1. Your MIL coming in while you were away and rearranging. I would personally hate this and would ask her politely not to do this again. It is ok to say that you would prefer it if she left things your way in future.

Not sure why the MN massif have decided this morning that this isn't your home, you are on the verge of splitting and you are about to lose everything given you have said nothing about your financial security and whether things are now in your name. Unless the conversation to resolve either 1 or 2 becomes controversial.

Moving furniture around especially in the bedroom is crazy! It's like she's leaving her mark, she doesn't respect your position in her ds's life even though you have children together.

Did you explain to your dp that you'd done the cleaning beforehand, not her?

Yanbu and need to talk to dp so he can tell mil to stop interfering.
But make sure he is properly on board otherwise it could come off as "oenyoureyes isn't happy about it rolls eyes" and you don't want that, mil will take that as you being controlling. Your dp needs to properly understand why it's crossing a line and not acceptable.

So he's got two women fighting to clean his house for him, plus you pack his suitcase for him. What a life these men have!

OP, maybe you're already on this, but I think the far bigger issue that you should be focused on is the fact you are unmarried, have children and are living in his house. You know he could kick you out tomorrow if he wanted, and you'd have nothing? I really hope you have some security of your own to fall back on.

It isn’t just a technicality, you have no rights to the property that you have contributed to for years if its all in his name.

What do you have in place to keep a roof over all your heads in the event of his death?
Who benefits from any pension schemes either of you have?
If you split up how would you find a new home or get together the deposit for a rental?

If you don’t wish to use the state supplied contract for two people setting up home and a family together you need to do the work to replace that function or risk homelessness and for women, bear the full cost of childbearing alone.

Re-arranging your bedroom furniture is so far beyond overstepping. Your DP needs to see you as an equal in this home, and see it as your collective home, or you need to suggest moving. I would be asking him to have words with his mother immediately. This is your private space as a couple and you do not need her going through your things or making decisions about how your private space should be used.

I absolutely couldn’t allow this to continue.

I think the problem here is that you allowed her free access and welcomed her cleaning your house when it suited you - but now it doesn't so you want to move the goalposts. I don't think your MIL has done anything wrong - she sounds kind and was clearly happy to help when you were struggling. I wouldn't want her coming into my house and moving things around, but then I wouldn't have allowed that in the first place. Now, if you want to establish a new set of rules you need to speak to your DP first and get him on board and let him speak to his DM. You don't want to fall out with her, as I'm guessing she is only trying to help/be nice.

Rearranged our sitting room and bedroom furniture
completely bonkers and I would say something!

at that time my MIL would come over and give our house a clean/tidy up to help.
because of this, the cleaning only would be just her trying to be nice. That, I would tell her it's no longer necessary, but thank you (and ideally change the lock)

I got pretty miffed my DP hadn’t realised at all before we had gone that I’d got the house spotless - I feel like he doesn’t ever notice what I do and how much work goes into keeping on top of things?
YAB MASSIVELY U!

it's your house, you are not cleaning for him, you are cleaning for you.
Are you not sharing chores? Great it takes you time to keep the house clean and tidy, but it should take him (roughly) the same time to do whatever chores he's doing. It should be 50/50.

It's such a woman thing to want to be appreciated for dusting or their efforts to make a clean house for a man, I am a clean freak and I like show-home style but it has nothing to do with my husband. I am not a 50s wife.

May be your home but it’s not your house you aren’t married , you are being allowed to live there by your partner.

Agree, he wants his house to be clean and so he doesn’t care which of the women he knows do it, it just needs to not be him.

Sounds like your DP thinks cleaning is a woman’s job 🤦‍♀️

I’d absolutely hate it if my MIL did this.

Time to spell it out to your partner. And there’s no reason why you couldn’t tell your MIL politely but firmly, ideally in front of your partner in case she’s the type to rephrase things…

When you say she rearranged the furniture, do you mean the sofas and chairs etc? If so, I’d go bloody mental!

Hi Op,

I suggest you get onto Rights of Women ASAP and read their guide on cohabitation. As PP have pointed out, unless you are on the mortage/property deeds, or are able to demonstrate significant financial investment in your partner's property, you have no legal claim on the property. In the event of a separation, you could be made homeless. Your partner would have a financial responsibility to his children through CMS, but he would have no obligation to support you in any sense.

You do not have the protections of a marriage in which all assets are considered shared. I'd consider this a far bigger red flag than anything your MIL is doing.

It might be your home but it’s not even technically not your house - it’s just not your property and if you split up you are out on your ear with no rights to a share. It’s not ludicrous at all. It’s a fact. Thats a concern.