MIL lets herself in to our house - helping or over stepping

[Openyoureyes102733]

I have lived with my DP for years now. My MIL has her a key to our house (it was previously his house and I moved in).

We went through a period of real stress and at that time my MIL would come over and give our house a clean/tidy up to help.

We went away a couple of weeks ago, I tidied up before we left. My MIL didn’t tell us she was going to pop over but when we got back it looked like she had rearranged our house. To make things worse my DP made a comment about how she’d given us a head start for the week because she’d cleaned (the cleaning he was referring to, was actually the cleaning is done)

1. AIBU to feel it’s overstepping a little by coming over without asking? I know it’s just being helpful but its the not asking
2. AIBU because I got pretty miffed my DP hadn’t realised at all before we had gone that I’d got the house spotless - I feel like he doesn’t ever notice what I do and how much work goes into keeping on top of things?

“Hello MIL, just want to say although I appreciate your good intentions in coming in and cleaning while we were away, I think moving and re arranging our furniture crosses some serious lines. I know it’s been helpful in the past but from now on we would appreciate if you didn’t come and let yourself in or clean/move anything without first running it by us.

We were quite happy with how our bedroom was when we left, which is exactly why we chose to have that way. Forgive us but the truth here is having your mother in law poking around your bedroom and moving what is, for all intents and purposes, your marriage bed (where your grandchildren were conceived) pushes beyond the realms of intrusive and into unsettling.

Look forward to seeing you soon, but only in our living room this time, once we have found the time to move our furniture back the way we had it and liked it.”

No one is being unkind...

I wouldn't be ok with it but I wouldn't allowed someone to clean my house for me in your situation you kind of have to be ok with it because its not your house and you're happy for her to come round and clean it so I think in your specific case shes not overstepping

Is this not condescending? Correct me if I’m wrong but I’d call that being unkind

What stands out to me is why is it YOUR job to do all the cleaning and even though you left everything spotless and cleaned before you left... he still thinks that its ok to ask another woman to come and clean a bit more..
Is he normally fastidious without any contribution?

WHY doesn't he share in the cleaning, but only in the approval of it. You both live there. You both make the mess. How much of the housework does he actually do? I would start giving him marks out of 10 for that. Blooming cheek!

But she didn't just clean, she re arranged your BEDROOM and sitting room furniture. That is not cleaning that is wierd.

You are both on the tenancy but its referred to in one of your posts as HIS home as he lived there first, but presumably you are paying your share of the rent. Therefore you have equal rights to live there and equal rights to do the housework.

I think I'd say (very nicely) to her. It was very kind of you to come round to clean, but I'd already done most of it and I didn't need the furniture re arranged... We are on top of this now so you don't need to come round when we are not there anymore.

YANBU! Does your partner ever clean his own house though or has he always had women around to do it?

I thought you said it’s his house and you moved in? Are you changing the story OP, because that aspect is very important, not just for dealing with your MIL, but for your future security.

Not true at all. Under the law OP would be entitled to half if she could prove she’d shared half the load and was the main carer of the children. Yes it really does work like that. OP doesn’t have to be on the deeds although it would be easier.

The OP is renting.

If she had stated that in her first post the thread might not have derailed.

Well you take it as unkind when people are trying to offer you help

You could have said "it's a rented house and we are both on the tenancy" when asked

@RampantIvy genuine mistake, I didn’t think it mattered to be frank in terms of what I was asking until responses came in. And then by the time I next looked there were so many responses I was having to play catch up!

@NoThanksNeeded but I didn’t say that, in hindsight I could have added the details but I didn’t realise it would make a difference.

I said I moved into his house, which I did he was here before me we didn’t move in together. I didn’t realise the first assumption would be that it was bought. But hindsight is a wonderful thing

The first para of this quote makes no sense in the context of you both being on the tenancy agreement.
Very confusing, and very important.

No she won't!!! I love my MiL but for years she would clean our house without being asked.

She thinks she's modern but actually old fashioned and this 'cleaning to be helpful', is actually just a dig at me (despite DP and I always having an equal split of chores).

OP tell her to stop. Clearly. And get yoyr DH to do his fair share.

You are both on the tenancy, so you haven't simply moved into your partner's home. It was solely his home, until you were added to the tenancy. You also haven't just recently moved in, as you have children together. Before you lived together, did your MIL have a key and did she pop over and clean etc for your partner? Or has your MIL only had a key during a period of time when you needed her to come over, and she's just hung onto the key? If your MIL has been coming over to clean for your partner before you met/lived together, then this is historical and she's just doing what she's always done! Your partner needs to tell her to stop. If she's only had a key because she was needed during a specific period of time, then it's time to ask for the key back! My parents have a key to my house - they use it to water the plants/collect the post when we're away. They don't let themselves into my house without my knowledge. Yes, your MIL is overstepping boundaries, and especially moving furniture!!! You need to have a chat with your partner.

I have been on mumsnet long enough to know that a lot of posters don't even bother to read the OP's further updates. It's rather frustrating TBH.

It is absolutely YOUR home. Ok, it is not your house, you don't own it, fair enough but yes of course it is your home! A home is a place where someone lives, resides, especially with their family - that's the definition.

If you were renting from a stranger it would still be your home and you would still have rights.

Of course you have a right for her not to enter YOUR home without your permission.

I get you. The mil had the key before you moved in. Had it been a joint decision it might have been different. This makes it a little awkward.

Of course this is your home too now. Your relationship and home are what you and your partner define it as, not strangers on a forum.

You define it with boundries. What boundaries would you like to have with your mil? You are perfectly entitled to live comfortably and feel respected in your own home. No matter who pays for what.

I wouldn’t mind the clean and I’d love if they stocked the pantry and fridge too with fresh bread and milk. But I would dislike the rearrangement of furniture. It’s too personal.

I can totally understand you feeling annoyed at her coming over and tidying and rearranging without you there.

She has probably tidied with good intentions, rather than trying to be overbearing. She probably thinks because she helped you before that you would still appreciate the help. I wouldn’t bother make a fuss about it, even though I totally understand how you feel.

With regards to rearranging the house - that’s nuts. She’s mega overstepping and should not be doing that. Could you get your partner to have a word?

My MIL was very similar after I had the kids. I was really offended when she started cleaning my house, but then accepted that actually I couldn’t really cope and it was a help (even though it still irritates me).