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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL and husband too overbearing regarding our children

89 replies

MILissue · 02/09/2025 22:07

MIL and husband want to be too involved in our children’s lives my step daughter (3) and daughter 7 months.
step daughter visits us every other weekend and stays Fri-sun, MIL gets to see her once a week and claims this is unfair and not enough as grandparents. MIL wants GD (3) to sleep over at their house on our time. Baring in mind we get her 4 nights a month she wants to take one of those from her son. We have tried to explain this is for our daughter to spend time with her sister as a family and all we get back is “they can both stay”. Are we being unreasonable for saying no to this as we are made to feel like the worst people in the world!
We feel that they favour their first GC (my step daughter (3). When we have explained how we feel it is shut down immediately and we are called silly. However they only like to call us and visit when we have DH daughter and he feels it invades our time as it is hard to say no to them coming to visit on those days. I feel that they should be grateful they have DH daughter visit once a week but nothing is ever enough for them regarding her.

(Also to add my step daughters mother will not allow DH mother to have her daughter sleepover on her time either, we all get on well and we do not feel she is being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 02/09/2025 22:46

You are not being unreasonable, set your boundaries and stick to it.
Also, I would not be upsetting the expartner, especially when you have a good relationship with her. It's such a positive thing for a successful blending family. Don't let the mil destroy that.

Summerhillsquare · 03/09/2025 03:25

Children are not goods to be fought over. Nowhere in this do I hear anyone advocating what is best for the child, it's all about adults squabbling over their 'rights'.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 03/09/2025 04:22

@MILissue how does she manage to see dsd every week when you and dp only see dsd every two weeks?? you and your dp have the right to spend the 2nd weekend without mil visiting

Zanatdy · 03/09/2025 05:53

Just keep firm on no to sleepovers. Can’t she contact the child’s mother and ask if she can have her one night a week? I wouldn’t give up your time with her.

Ihavetoask · 03/09/2025 08:14

I dont see the issue with grandparents having both their GC for a night every couple of months. That's quite normal.

Original poster
MILissue · 03/09/2025 12:47

Ihavetoask · 03/09/2025 08:14

I dont see the issue with grandparents having both their GC for a night every couple of months. That's quite normal.

She can have our daughter who lives with us but DH is reluctant to let his other daughter as he only has her four nights a month, our daughter sees us both everyday and we have no issue with her staying every now and again, however she does not sleep over whilst step daughter is staying over at our house as we like family time together

OP posts:
Original poster
MILissue · 03/09/2025 12:48

Zanatdy · 03/09/2025 05:53

Just keep firm on no to sleepovers. Can’t she contact the child’s mother and ask if she can have her one night a week? I wouldn’t give up your time with her.

Child’s mother had also said no as she works full time mon-fri, little girl attends nursery Monday to Friday too so is reluctant to let her go as of yet

OP posts:
Original poster
MILissue · 03/09/2025 12:50

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 03/09/2025 04:22

@MILissue how does she manage to see dsd every week when you and dp only see dsd every two weeks?? you and your dp have the right to spend the 2nd weekend without mil visiting

Edited

This was an arrangement with Childs mother, as MIL requested one day a week to which they have stuck with, now little girl is attending nursery MIL says this is not enough time as she gets to see her around 4 hours before she has to go home at 7pm

OP posts:
Original poster
MILissue · 03/09/2025 12:53

Summerhillsquare · 03/09/2025 03:25

Children are not goods to be fought over. Nowhere in this do I hear anyone advocating what is best for the child, it's all about adults squabbling over their 'rights'.

We are advocating what is best for the child! We only see her 4 nights a month which DH likes to spend that quality time with her and our other daughter, they’re sisters and she adores her very much. MIL sees her once a week but still wants more, nothing is ever enough! She asked originally for once a fortnight both GC need to stay, so we would then only see my DH daughter two nights a month

OP posts:
Original poster
MILissue · 03/09/2025 12:55

Diarygirlqueen · 02/09/2025 22:46

You are not being unreasonable, set your boundaries and stick to it.
Also, I would not be upsetting the expartner, especially when you have a good relationship with her. It's such a positive thing for a successful blending family. Don't let the mil destroy that.

We did not get a long to start with, but relationship with ex partner is now amazing, MIL now feels this is a strange relationship that we are close, myself and ex partner meet up for days out to enable both sisters to spend time together every now and again which MIL does not like!

OP posts:
ClickClickety · 03/09/2025 13:18

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Just tell her no and keep repeating it. Let her be in a huff.

ZippyPeer · 03/09/2025 13:26

OP, acknowledging that your mil will complain it isn't enough regardless of what you offer her, just do what works for you.

Maybe things will change in the future and you'll see your step daughter more, and then can offer more time. Maybe not

ButSheSaid · 03/09/2025 13:28

Your husband should be parenting his child at least 50/50, why has he not arranged this already?
It will be really hard for the little 3yr old child knowing her father chooses to live full time with her half sibling. She'll feel unwanted and replaced as she grows up, has he planned ways to mitigate this?
The man can deal with his mother, don't think about it.

Robin67 · 03/09/2025 13:30

Ihavetoask · 03/09/2025 08:14

I dont see the issue with grandparents having both their GC for a night every couple of months. That's quite normal.

That's normal for parents who want that. Not for parents who are struggling to get enough time with one child anyway and don't want to spend less time with her. Not everyone feels like this; no way would I let a 7 month old baby sleep away from me.

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 03/09/2025 13:30

Give an inch take a mile.
Your mil would complain if she had both dc every weekend imo.
While some agree it's normal to have sleepovers at dgps home it's also normal to have your dc with you 100% if that's what you want. Mil has had her dc... Now it's your turn.
Don't feel guilty for that.

Original poster
MILissue · 03/09/2025 13:44

ButSheSaid · 03/09/2025 13:28

Your husband should be parenting his child at least 50/50, why has he not arranged this already?
It will be really hard for the little 3yr old child knowing her father chooses to live full time with her half sibling. She'll feel unwanted and replaced as she grows up, has he planned ways to mitigate this?
The man can deal with his mother, don't think about it.

Husband never lived with his other child (never in a relationship) one night kind of thing, but has always been childhood friends with the mother of his child. Little girl knows nothing different than just living with mum, at present cannot afford costly court costs, along with mother of child has flexible work arrangements meaning she is able to take and pick little one from nursery etc whereas husband works from 7am to 5pm mon-Fri, we

OP posts:
ChloeCannotCanCan · 03/09/2025 13:50

Why does your DH see his daughter so infrequently? Only 4 nights a month? I’d start by reassessing the access arrangements so that she spends more time with you, is there a good reason it’s not 50:50? Once that’s sorted your MIL can see her more often too as it won’t be cutting into your time as heavily.

MzHz · 03/09/2025 13:50

Someone needs to put MIL back in her box.

the little girl is 3. She needs time with her mum and her dad. If mum is not keen on her spending nights away from her generally, and at 3yo, that’s perfectly normal, then that’s fine

your h needs to tell his mum to back off a bit. The child needs to establish a proper routine with the parents and siblings

that comes before her.

outerspacepotato · 03/09/2025 13:52

Why doesn't your husband shut down his mother's custody demands hard?

She's not a 3rd parent but she's acting like she is. She's demanding a custody day that would cut his time by a significant amount. Given that he has so little time with her as it is, that would not benefit his daughter at all.

The favoritism makes her having regular custody days even worse. Your kid will grow up seeing that and that's just no good.

He needs to tell her that's not happening and back off from her. Diminish contact. His custody time is non negotiable.

ButSheSaid · 03/09/2025 13:55

Court is not costly, it's less than £400, he can represent himself.
Too expensive doesn't cut it, he needs to parent at least 50%, and figure out how to do this around his job.

Is he not devastated about only being an occasional visitor to his child's life?

Ddakji · 03/09/2025 14:00

I don’t understand why the mother of your SD allows her to be with her grandmother once a week but her father only 4 times a month. That suggests that your DH hasn’t exactly been stellar with his first child, whereas his mother might have been better?

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 03/09/2025 14:02

This Prince of a man barely sees his first kid and can't stand up to his mother.

Depressing that he's happy with 4 days a month because he can't figure out his work schedule (like his ex has to).

atotalshambles · 03/09/2025 14:06

I think that it must be so confusing for the 3 year old to keep moving around and I think it would be very unsettling for her to stay with her grandmother for another night. I would wait for grandmother sleepovers until the child is older.

user1492757084 · 03/09/2025 14:20

You are right to stick to your routine of MIL visiting you for a meal and play every fortnight. It's great that MIL helps out with her grand daughter's child care once a week. Mil sees the child enough. It is fair as it is.

Wait until your youngest is at school before allowing sleep overs every couple of months with MIL.

AncientHarpy · 03/09/2025 14:22

MILissue · 03/09/2025 13:44

Husband never lived with his other child (never in a relationship) one night kind of thing, but has always been childhood friends with the mother of his child. Little girl knows nothing different than just living with mum, at present cannot afford costly court costs, along with mother of child has flexible work arrangements meaning she is able to take and pick little one from nursery etc whereas husband works from 7am to 5pm mon-Fri, we

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Why do so many people still believe in these mythical huge sums needed to go to family court to rearrange child residency proportions? It's a few hundred pounds and financial help is available if you are on a low income.

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