MIL and husband too overbearing regarding our children

[MILissue]

MIL and husband want to be too involved in our children’s lives my step daughter (3) and daughter 7 months.
step daughter visits us every other weekend and stays Fri-sun, MIL gets to see her once a week and claims this is unfair and not enough as grandparents. MIL wants GD (3) to sleep over at their house on our time. Baring in mind we get her 4 nights a month she wants to take one of those from her son. We have tried to explain this is for our daughter to spend time with her sister as a family and all we get back is “they can both stay”. Are we being unreasonable for saying no to this as we are made to feel like the worst people in the world!
We feel that they favour their first GC (my step daughter (3). When we have explained how we feel it is shut down immediately and we are called silly. However they only like to call us and visit when we have DH daughter and he feels it invades our time as it is hard to say no to them coming to visit on those days. I feel that they should be grateful they have DH daughter visit once a week but nothing is ever enough for them regarding her.

(Also to add my step daughters mother will not allow DH mother to have her daughter sleepover on her time either, we all get on well and we do not feel she is being unreasonable.

Throwing money at a child is not the same as being a parent. Keep defending him though, whilst knowing full well you would never be content with seeing your own child 4 times a month. I give up with women who defend this shit.

No one said it was !

What do you not understand about men working? There are plenty of fathers and mothers out there who are in the British armed forces and don’t come home for months on end, are they bad parents? Should they step up more?

You sacrifice time to be able to put food on the table and a roof over your head, well that’s how I was brought up, do anything to make ends meet and if that makes you a bad parent then so be it. My father worked away in the army, I sometimes didn’t see him for few months at a time. Was he a bad father? No. Did I feel loved, content, Yes. Although I missed him of course, but he was working for his loved ones and we understood this.

I suppose your family life is perfect. Father of your children does not leave the home and spends every second with them, he must rearrange work commitments, cannot work full time, must spend that time with the children, along with yourself of course☺️

I don't believe that 50/50 is always in the best interest of the child, and I think that it's great that your husband works hard to pay for his kids. I really do. I also admire your relationship with your SD's mother, that sounds unusually sensible and great for all!
However. I think that those who are lining up to yell at you that your DH is a bag of shite are shouting too loud and distracting from the message that 4 days really is very little. It doesn't have to be 50/50, and it doesn't have to be a great big drama, but gently, I think it might be worth looking at, for everyone's sake. Your points about your husband never having lived with your SD are valid, but also sad for her- one day, she will be mature enough to ponder all this, and wonder why your daughter got so much time with her father, and she got so little. When she's a teenager, "he was working hard to pay for you" will mean so little in comparison with time he could have spent with her. And yes, there are practical considerations, but there are always practical considerations- all parents have to work around those to be a present and available parent to their children.

It's really easy to be defensive when anyone points out potential flaws in your family set-up. I've been there myself! And people on here aren't being considerate or caring in the way they're sharing their opinion. But there is a valid point there OP.

Have you considered that 4 nights a month is not enough ?

Easier than admitting they just don’t want to.

Got money for a new baby and all
those costs but organising and paying to sort the agreement to see your child
more than 4 days a month is too much effort.

sure.

“Sorry MIL, 4 nights a month is already not enough time for SD to see her own DF. Dropping it down to only 3 so you can play sleepover is absolutely not something we are going to entertain. SD’s DM and ourselves are working to increase these days as SD gets older. In time this might free up more opportunity for you to have her overnight. In the meantime I suggest you work on your relationship with SD’s DM to facilitate taking her for a sleepover on one of her custody weekends.”

It is really not in the best interests sometimes of the child for 50/50. Like many have explained here.
Please remember this little girl has only just turned 3 years old, no court or legal advice recommends 50/50 for a child under three as they need stability!
Yes we sought advice on this, and were told it would be a costly and lengthy process and to attempt mediation, which we did and we got to the arrangement at present which works for everyone!

So we have a baby, yes? I know let’s just not clothe or feed this baby as we should be saving money for court! Seriously give your head a wobble! Of course if DH didn’t see his child at all that would be a different story!

Thank you!!

You have wrote that absolutely spot on without being rude, it seems a calm response we can try to put out. We are definitely working to increase days as she gets older and this would be something we could think about so it really does hit the nail on the head for us, thank you! X

Why on earth should the little girl's mother miss out on her precious weekends for her child's father's mother?!

No way should the mother be left only with the week of drudgery and hardly get any of the relaxed quality weekend time.

OP's MIL should not be trying to sweet talk the little girl's mother to get more time with her, the little girl's mother probably has a family too.

This MIL just needs to wind her neck in. She'll never be happy even if she got an overnight a month, she'd want it weekly, then she'd want whole weekends. She's had her time as mum, she needs to get back in her box and realise that being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right.

This was only spot on if you exclude the very last sentence. That's what spoiled it.

Oh yes absolutely, she will not give her time up either way sweet talk or no sweet talk. We are pretty much on the same page and both fed up of MIL

The good thing is that all of you are on the same page

now communicate it and keep at it broken record style.

That's absolutely lovely,and fantastic for both girls